'Normal Fred' and concerns about starting school

[Diddleydo43]

Dc4 has always been a bit off the standard, fits the definition of 'spirited' if you understand that.
Only child, both parents at home, settled background though Dad can be a bit firey.

Started school Sept, seemed to settle in well, managed to avoid toilet accidents but seems extremely unhappy at times. Definitely doesnt drink enough fluid but we can work on that. No idea if he eats lunch but not too worried, we can feed him.at home.
He's not academic but has excellent vocabulary and pretty good speech. He likes to be the centre of attention and in the latter part of pre-school (different setting) had quite a few good friends.

However he doesnt deal well with not getting his own way and can tantrum/meltdown for a good hour or more over seemingly ridiculous things. Has been alot better lately but went off on one today eventually said it was bc there were too many big people, but failed to understand that we couldn't help bc we didn't know. Fully accept overwhelm is a thing. I would have removed him from the event after 5 mins screaming but DH felt he needed to stay.

2 things concern me, first is he says no one plays with him. I have no idea if its true but we had a school event today -like sports day, and he did everything on his own. Though he did communicate with a couple of his classmates..

Second his teacher (who is just qualified) calls him 'normalFred' as opposed to the other Fred in the class. This horrified me on so many levels, maybe he is normal? Not a problem, but what the heck do they call the other Fred? Nc for obvs reasons..
We think our Fred is probably special in some way, adhd, sensory, but he's able to mask it mostly. NormalFred just doesn't seem appropriate for either child..

He's only been at school 3 weeks, do I just carry on and not say anything, or speak up?

Talking to the teacher at the beginning or end of the day is pointless because its chaos.

Yes, speak to the teacher. There will be a way of asking for time after school which isn’t in the chaos of home time.

I would just directly tell the teacher to call your DS by his name and not to use the “normal” prefix. It is an odd description to choose and it’s not something I think is suitable.

In terms of the not playing with other children, just ask what the teacher sees and whether it’s an accurate representation from your DS. There will likely be ways they can encourage the children to play together and staff in the playground can keep and eye out.

I’d absolutely complain about the use of the word
“ normal” when referring to any child never mind as part of his name! That could stick and others could start calling him that. Really awful!

It does sound like he could be facing sensory overload and struggling to regulate. Any other sensory needs?
Maybe arrange to speak to the SENCO after half term. They may observe in class especially if teacher isn’t very experienced.

You could look at SPD and see if you think that fits so that you can look at strategies. The out of synch child has fun is a good book. Lots of activities you can do at home.
An assessment from an OT specialising in sensory integration might help.
Does he have a restricted diet? Re not drinking enough ask staff to prompt. Does he drink enough at home? You could look at Interoception.

I would definitely speak to the teacher about how she addresses him. Why cant she call him Fred “surname”

If he is hungry or dehydrated this will have an impact on his behaviour. How is his sleep?

Its a big transition for a little 4 year old so I would give him time to find his feet.

4 is a bit early for you to label him as 'not academic'!

I'd definitely ask the teacher about the 'Normal Fred' thing - doesn't need to be a big deal, just a casual 'I've noticed you call him normal Fred, where does that come from?' and see what the response is.

Well he doesnt read or write although he recognises letters and numbers quite well.

He shies away from any form of writing but is happy to free draw. He is quite creative on his own terms.

Sleep, better than this time last year as we had a medical issue sorted out. Could do with earlier bed time but moving it back slowly.

Food and drink I think is just a matter of getting used to systems but concerned in case he's getting overwhelmed at lunch times.

"Well he doesnt read or write although he recognises letters and numbers quite well."

THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S 4.

Fucking hell.

hardly any kids starting reception can read or write.... That's why school teaches it....

Even recognising letters and numbers is good for a child 3 weeks into Reception. Give him a break!

He’s 4!

He's fucking four years old. Why are you putting your kid down like that? That's horrible.

‘He’s not academic’

He has literally done less than a month in school. Lower your expectations now OP

Always been a good drinker and recently a great eater, just concerned in case he's getting overwhelmed at lunchtimes, whereas he was very used to nursery dinners.

I think I'll not worry to much about that for now.

He seems less on the SPD scale than he was, but maybe bc i took steps to help him, eg overcoming fear of washing, toothbrush etc.

Ordered the book though, great recommendation thank you.

Thanks to all who commented and recommend I remark on the use of 'normalFred'. I don't want to be 'that parent"..

Bit harsh, we support his skills, and offer him opportunities for reading and writing, he just shies away from it. We never push it because that makes him worse. And we try to give him confidence and absolutely not put him down. I'm just writing here what we've observed.

He can read you a lovely story from a book with no words.

And I never swear, but thats just a me thing.

I think definitely speak out about the ‘normal’ prefix. Just be upfront and ask the teacher. If it’s hard to find time to speak face-to-face, then you could send an email. Definitely don’t worry about being “that parent”… it’s perfectly reasonable to ask why the teacher is referring to your child in that way, and nip it in the bud asap.

He's the child that can't or won't write his name, doesn't like to count, though he can.
His pre-school friends could nearly all read/write/draw better than him.

I'm far more concerned about his welfare than academia. He develops the skills, fabulous, he doesn't, thats ok too.

I mean this kindly, OP. You do seem to be a little anxious about the detail of what happens at school. Everything is potentially an issue - drinking, eating, toilet, friendship, writing, friendship, neurodiversity/typicality. He's only four and term is three weeks in! He's still finding his feet and might even be enjoying himself. His teacher will give you an objective view and be able to reassure you that everything is fine, which it almost certainly is.

@Diddleydo43
Don’t worry you’re not being that parent re the
“ normal” name.
I’m a retired teacher. It’s not OK Senior leaders would be mortified.

He is 4. He can be very academic. Leave him to it.

Most 4 year olds can't read or write.

‘He’s not academic’ he’s 4! Don’t write him off just yet 🫣

is your child bothered he has no friends? My son is 9 and is friendly but has no real friends at four he wasn’t bothered by that, he preferred to do everything alone.

I'd ask about the normal Fred thing. It might not be what you think (normal Fred as opposed to Ffred?) but it would be quite reasonable to ask them not to do it.

Thinking about it again, I would be very surprised if the teacher is calling your boy “normal Fred” in the context of the other Fred not being normal! It’s far more likely that she has asked your son if there’s anything special about him that she could use as a prefix on his name, and he then he shrugged and said something like “I’m just normal”. So I expect that’s why she’s jokingly calling him that. It’s still worth checking out though, and totally fine to point out to her that you would prefer he is addressed in a different way, eg Fred T (or whatever).

Loads of 4 year old can't and won't write their name...

Because they're 4....

My 6 year old I year 2, reads books aimed at Year 6. She is currently reading The Wizards of Once.
But her writing? Looks like a toddlers

Doesn't mean she's not academic.

Give your baby a break. He's.4!

What was the context of the teacher saying " normal Fred"?

What happened? And what else was said? How often did she say this?

Seems like you misheard or didn't hear the context tbh and she said something like " No more, Fred" when telling him something.

If you say dad is 'fiery' and DS 'spirited' - I'd think if what are the similarities and take things from there. Learned behaviour or biological, there will be a connection.