My reception child keeps hitting at school

[mummyofthree935]

Hey everyone, I have a four year old son who has just started school (reception), he has not been to nursery before and went straight to school. He has been there for exactly two weeks now and three days out of the 14, he has hit another child. It happens once every week, basically, and the teachers send me a message and talk to me at the end of the day about it. It’s so so so worrying for me as a parent I’m going sick with worry and I have no idea what to do. They say he just randomly pushes or lightly hits another child and today he even hit the teacher as he ran past her. I’m soooo confused and upset and I have no idea what to do. If it were at home I would be able to understand what may be causing it ie he’s overtired or hungry ect but I have no idea what happened at school and what causes it and neither do the teachers. He has a two year old sister who does this sometimes, but nothing major and stops when told so maybe he’s copying her? I don’t know. He does it at home with his sister but very rarely and nothing out of the ordinary. The teacher said today that this usually happens only with kids that have needs and our son seems perfectly fine otherwise, listens to instructions ect too and behaves but just this one problem. They are equally confused as me and I am so so so upset and worried. Like is this because he’s finding it hard to settle? Is this something that he will grow out of? Is this something to worry about?

My son did exactly this as a very young 4 yo in reception - once he whacked a teaching assistant too. Today he is a high-earning solicitor and a wonderful, warm and empathetic young man. I can’t say what’s going on with your little boy but it’s really challenging starting school especially if they are v young in their year. Looking back, I would have taken mine out of school for six months - there is no obligation for them to start until the term following the fifth birthday.

Yea they did all of those things, went to groups,, met up with friends, met with other children, went to mums and tots, swimming, toddler gym, playgroups. They made friends at school, no issues with behaviour or anything starting school. They knew not to hit or anything, Nursery isn't essential, many of my generation never went to nursery, cos there were not many nurseries. But we didn't have children hitting or anything or having problems taking turns, or making friends. And I was starting to read just as my children were, when they started.
Now grown up they take turns, dint hit people, have loads of friends. Children benefit from having adults who take an interest in them, encourage them in their interests, take them to interesting places. It can be done outside of nursery, and it's not right to criticise OP because she didn't do nursery. I do know that some of the other children who did misbehave actually had gone to nursery, I don't blame nursery for that, my son's best friend when he started school had been to nursery, she behaves well but she took a long time to settle in school, I think my son felt sorry for her because she was so upset and tried to help. Yes, she did settle down . (And my son is still a kind person)

@mummyofthree935 Loads of dc go to a pre school before starting school and they are not all nurseries by any means. Many are just mornings and quite often dc don’t go every day. However the point is, they get the first year of the EY curriculum. Or at least some of it. Doing nothing in a pre school setting is gojng to make it more challenging for many dc in YR. Often the pre schools are attached to the schools anyway and they are neatly always part time.

I agree with your last part. I think this dismissing of the behaviour and telling the OP to not be concerned or worry is at all helpful to the situation. It's the behaviour you expect to see from toddlers, not 5 year olds and if my child was being hit at school, I'd be wanting something done about rather than it being dismissed. The OP is right to be concerned and I think it's great she's willing to engage with professionals to address the behaviour.

Someone made a comment about nurseries in not existing in previous generations and it's like comparing apples and oranges. It was a different time 50/60 years ago, young kids played with each other out in the street more, lived closer to families and communities and neighbours for example tended to be a lot closer. Children learnt their social skills there. As time gone on, life has changed plus there's been research to show just how important play is for early development and particularly for children once they reach 3 to spend time with other children, to learn play and socialisation skills. My FIL is in his sixties and his siblings were all much older than him and he had very little contact with children until he went to school and he still speaks now about how traumatic it felt to go into school, a busy environment and with lots of children having be used to being with only his mum.

It's been quite evident on this thread that even those that say they didn't put their child in nursery/pre-school still went to play groups, structured activities, play dates etc. I may be wrong but it seems from what the OP says that this isn't the case and his only contact has been with kids at the park or soft play or with his older cousins which is just isn't going to prepare you for an environment like school or to be around children and socialise and play.

Did you see any benefits of nursery or did you see it as childcare that you didn’t need?
Even if he’s tired or hungry you need to make it clear that hitting is absolutely not ok. Needs to be a consequence even for 2 year old if they hit. If they hit at school I would give a consequence such as no tv or similar. He needs to know it’s not ok ever so it doesn’t affect friendships.

I agree with another poster, it isn’t fair on the children he hits so good you are trying to address it.

You mentioning it’s understandable if he’s overtired or hungry etc is not understandable to me …and just telling him off if/when he hits his sister - unless it’s serious 😳 - isn’t sufficient. My DD went through a hitting stage as a toddler and I dealt with it really very seriously. I had a thinking step with a timer, we talked about why she was angry (because she was), I helped her learn how to take a breath and stop herself from lashing out. Imagine if your child was the child with needs being pushed or hit by your DS. I’m not trying to guilt trip you but I knew parents that continually made excuses for their child’s frankly shit behaviour (always tired or ‘coming down with something’) just be a parent and learn how to set boundaries for your child! If you don’t know how attend some parenting classes.

If he has been at home with you till the age of 5 and you didn't send him to nursery because you wanted more time with him, and he's your eldest, I suspect he is very used to everything revolving around him. School, other kids, teachers etc don't work like that!

He will learn but he might never recover from the bad reputation with the other kids and parents.

Ask school if the speech and language therapist can observe him.

Actually I'm in my late 60s and back then it wasn't all rosy like you imagine. For some people it might have been. When I was preschool age there was a grand total.of 1 little boy up the road I played with. None of my family lived close enough to be there on a day to day basis, yes I did see my granny every week, she would come round for Sunday dinner, I occasionally we would have a meal out instead, sometimes I went away with her to visit relatives, maybe once a year, sometimes I went with my mum to see the lady next door, I went on the bus with mum shopping in town, or to the little shops nearby, in town we would have a bite to eat. But no streets full.of children where I lived, just the little boy up the road. I guess I learned to behave by spending time with older people, who didn't model hitting behaviour, just nirmal.aocial.behavioir. I think I'd probably enjoyed playgroup, they didn't come along until my little sister came along ( and she hates it so never went bXk after a few sessions, and she transitions to school without hitting anyone. I actually enjoyed school when I started, I guess it helped I could more or less read.
From someone who lives in that era, it wasn't a happy band of children playing in he street for lots of people

I'm quite aware it wasn't a rosy era, in fact if you read my post properly I mentioned my FIL who didn't have much contact with children until he started school and he's in his sixties.

And I also said communities and neighbours TENDED to know one another. You might not have played out in the street, neither did my FIL and many others. The fact is and research has shown, kids don't play out in the street now as much as previous generations, theres been a loss of free play and families are generally smaller and spread out. Your individual experience does not detract from this.

@Batcats I’m 70 and we played in back gardens. Not very much though and didn’t really have to follow rules. It certainly would have been far better prep had there been a playgroup! My dsis went to one but she’s younger than me. Some areas had nursery schools because they were set up in ww2 so women could work. In our town, that wasn’t the case so nothing until the 60s and that was run by mums. I think most people think dc learn by socialising with others and leaving mum for periods of time.

My youngest stepson was a nightmare. He would hit & spit in nursery and first year at school and he used to find it funny when we told him off for it.

He's now nearly 6 and has thankfully grown out of that stage and is doing amazing at school. He's got a group of friends which I think helped as he understands how to socialise more now. We just percervered with explaining how it's wrong and he'

A big reason for children not playing in the street any more is the amount of traffic there is even on quieter residential roads, quieter just means not as much traffic as in a main road. No mother in her right mind would let a 3 year old play in the street nowadays on her own unless it was officially traffic free

He's possibly lashing out because he is already very stressed with being in his new setting. Imagine being incredibly stressed and anxious and then being placed into a packed train carriage with rude commuters with no sense of personal space and someone trying to take your Metro newspaper, you might feel like snapping too. Find ways to bring his stress levels down.
For my little boy it was as simple as being allowed to eat his lunch at "lunchtime club" ,and not get dumped out in to the playground. Most schools have something like this run by staff. Its for children that cant really cope with the bustle of lunchtime. Ask your school what they have to offer. My child's stress levels were reduced and his behaviour improved massively. Also has he mentioned a particular child that he likes or plays with?

I would not worry too much and also not get too caught up on the nursery thing. He probably would have learnt a few more of the rules around "kind hands" etc at a younger age where the teacher wouldn't have bothered to tell you what happened (I never got told my kids hit another child once and I find it hard to believe it never happened - but at nursery I think they only say something if it causes damage i.e. my kids did get bitten or scratched a few times by other kids and I assume in those cases the parent was told). With some time in nursery the current transition might be a little easier, but he might also have picked up some bad habits from other kids (my two went for 4 mornings a week from 1 and it was sometimes a mixed bag of the things they learn). If he's good with his little sister at home mostly I imagine this will calm down at school as well (some hitting at home is unavoidable as siblings have a different relationship than school friends but you sound like you respond appropriately and unlike some posters here my experience is its almost as important not to overreact as to not underreact because when you feed too much attention into the behaviour it can fuel it).

In the end kids learn from their surroundings the good and bad - it the school is a good school with well maintained behaviours he will learn just as he has at home. He will also learn terrible traits from the other kids and that will be a surprise for you I think. For example, when my eldest was nearly three he'd never been a biter but he got bitten aggressively (huge mark) by a kid at nursery who was going around doing it all over the place and all of a sudden the next couple of times he had temper tantrums when i was holding him he bit me (one time really really badly). I came down on it super hard, and showed him the mark as it healed over the next two weeks a lot, and he's never done it to his little sister or at nursery. However, he has sometimes gone to do it to me in tantrums since (I've stopped him/he's pulled back so not quite the same) and its a completely new behaviour he learnt from the kid biting him.

Definitely look at the book hands are not for hitting!

I never heard of “kind hands” when my DDs were young. Kind is a very abstract feeling and concept for a child and I do f like it associated with hands. Dc, from what I’ve seen, can stamp, kick and bite. So talking about abstract attributes for hands is bizarre. I’d just keep it simple. No hitting, kicking, biting or stamping. Then explain in simple terms why not.

The big advantage of pre school is learning how to navigate other dc and other adults reinforcing good behaviour.

Guys, update…
He has started swearing too. He has done it once a week for two weeks, so basically one day in a week and a total of two times.(just to be clear he’s been there for three weeks now and this is his fourth, there has been a complaint every week about one day from the five. So in total from the whole month he has hit twice and sworn twice, on separate days). He said the F word and B word. I am genuinely so so so stressed that I can’t even function normally anymore. My whole day is filled with anxiety from the moment I drop him off to the moment I pick him up. I think what’s happening is that now he’s fully understood no hitting so he’s expressing his exhaustion/overwhelm ect in this way now. Aside from the absolute stress this is causing us, we are genuinely confused and shocked! He never does this at home, he knows that it’s very bad, he’s such a smart and polite boy, our least problematic child and now all of this😭😭I’m sooooooo upset and am trying so hard to keep strong, he’s also absolutely exhausted when he comes back, he falls asleep in the car. Weve even moved bedtime back an hour, focus sooo much on breakfast and dinner, especially on protein. I don’t understand what to do, the teacher calls me at the end of the day and then tells me this in front of all the other kids, parents and teachers and it’s so upsetting. Today when he swore (he said wtf to another child, and he’s never even said this before at home😭) they took him to the early years lead and she told him off. I was already so so guilty and now I feel 100x seeing him struggle. The teachers are saying he’s so good otherwise but we are very concerned…like what do they mean? And what do I do? I’m doing everything I can!

Maybe he is just too young for all this at age 4. Not all children fit the government dictated model. I would keep him home till he has to go.

I guess they are concerned because whilst hitting I frustration is fairly common, a four year old swearing and using phrases such as wtf isn’t, so there may be something else going on, where has he even heard those words and phrases? I’d set up a meeting with the teacher and ask what you and they can do to support your DS.

He’s probably heard it from his cousins, from me even (I try very hard not to ever swear in front of the kids though)

You’ve already had people saying there might be undiagnosed needs but, as this old fashioned approach isn’t in trend these days, but I would praise the positive and have a consequence for the negative. Yes he’s young and tired but they all are. Have you thought about reward charts? Try and keep it simple, anything like bad language, being unkind or hurting others isn’t allowed and a consequence at home. Some parents don’t punish if school already has but I would, you’re backing up the school and making it unpleasant for him so he won’t want to do it. But you need those boundaries all the time at home so no one hurts anyone, swears or is mean. I’d speak to the teacher and ask if they could phone you or tell you once other parents have gone.

You mention he doesn’t do it at home but does he meet much resistance at home? Have to do things he doesn’t want to do? Children can find reception a shock because they have to follow class rules and do things they might not want to do. That’s why when parents see nursery/pre-school as just childcare you might now realise just how important pre-school education is.

Using adult swear words at age 4/5 or any primary school age tbh is obviously a concern. He is repeating what he is witnessing and hearing. So if he sees pushing and shoving and swearing then at that impressionable age he will copy that. So of course school are concerned (as they should be) as this is unacceptable behaviour in school. So of course they are now concerned about his home life. You can hardly act on this behaviour at home if others are doing it. That others do this at home means he thinks it is ok. So if cousins and adults are swearing he will do to. Kids reflect what they see and hear. Its a very obvious solution. Stop or control his exposure to swearing and bad behaviour at home to set a good example to him. When home life behaviour improves around him he will reflect that better behaviour in school Simples. But it will take a concerted effort at home to break the bad habits. But its a very obvious solution. If you are not willing or able to improve the environment at home then you can expect the pressure from school can continue. If schools concerns continue they may take further actions as of course no one else wants their kids exposed to swearing and bad behaviour in primary school. At least you now know whats going on and you can now act on it. Best of luck

You probably need to stop him seeing his cousins if they can’t control their language around a young child, he’s copying their behaviour and it’s not acceptable at school. School will be concerned he’s around unsuitable behaviour at home.

Being at home so much hasn't done him any good has it.

OP stop seeing the cousins for a while and insist that the teacher talks about behaviour privately with you instead of in front of the other parents.

@mummyofthree935 Make an appointment to see the teacher. They can and do offer advice in these situations and working with parents is part of the job.

I agree with others. Cold turkey on the cousins. Why are they allowed to fight and swear around a 4 year old? Doesn’t anyone control them? It’s simply not good enough. The teacher will be thinking he comes from a rough background!

Id also do rewards for a day with no problems! Engage him in positive things. If he sleeps in the car it doesn’t matter. Calm routine at home with reading and bedtime. See if he’s excited about anything at school? What does he enjoy? Be very positive about school and cut out any tv or media with swearing. Disengage from rough and swearing dc.