My reception child keeps hitting at school

[mummyofthree935]

Hey everyone, I have a four year old son who has just started school (reception), he has not been to nursery before and went straight to school. He has been there for exactly two weeks now and three days out of the 14, he has hit another child. It happens once every week, basically, and the teachers send me a message and talk to me at the end of the day about it. It’s so so so worrying for me as a parent I’m going sick with worry and I have no idea what to do. They say he just randomly pushes or lightly hits another child and today he even hit the teacher as he ran past her. I’m soooo confused and upset and I have no idea what to do. If it were at home I would be able to understand what may be causing it ie he’s overtired or hungry ect but I have no idea what happened at school and what causes it and neither do the teachers. He has a two year old sister who does this sometimes, but nothing major and stops when told so maybe he’s copying her? I don’t know. He does it at home with his sister but very rarely and nothing out of the ordinary. The teacher said today that this usually happens only with kids that have needs and our son seems perfectly fine otherwise, listens to instructions ect too and behaves but just this one problem. They are equally confused as me and I am so so so upset and worried. Like is this because he’s finding it hard to settle? Is this something that he will grow out of? Is this something to worry about?

Yes it’ll likely be an adjustment period for him if he’s never been to nursery or any other group childcare. Do you organise regular playdates for him with kids his own age?

Honestly, this will make me sound 'old school' but one day he'll do it to a kid who hits him back and that will likely put a stop to it. Until then, you can only back the school up by doing what they suggest and talking to him at home.

Don't be too hard on yourself. There was nothing wrong in not sending him to nursery . Only in recent times was it available so young and other countries don't start early either . He could still be swiping kids no matter what . And it sounds like he is not deliberately hitting anyone in anger , just making contact . I would ask teacher what she would like you to reinforce at home but ultimately it's her job to manage this in Reception. I actually feel sorry for you that she felt the need to mention it so early in the term .

Other countries very much do have nursery at a young age. All these countries we discuss as having late school starting ages generally have a robust pre-school system.

I wouldn’t worry, you always get kids that hit and misbehave in reception. He will soon learn what the rules are.

He shouldn’t be getting away with hitting his much younger her sibling!!! This is why he things it’s acceptable to do this to other kids and adults at school!

On the question of what might be causing it, my first thought is that he may have missed out on socialising with other children during his toddler years. Nursery isn’t just for parents’ convenience; it gives children regular contact with peers, which can be harder to provide in everyday life than it was 50 years ago. Hopefully he’ll catch up this year.

There’s unfortunately a lot of misinformation about nursery. I think the government could do a better job of explaining how valuable regular time with other children can be in the first few years of life.

Children have always grown up around other children, whether in extended families, villages or close-knit communities. Modern life can make those everyday opportunities harder to find, and nursery can help provide them. Yet mothers are often made to feel that choosing nursery means they don’t want to spend time with their children, which is deeply unfair.

I can understand why you made the choice you did. Going forward, I think it’s worth looking for regular opportunities for him to spend time with children his own age outside of school. Try and meet the other school mummies and organise some playdates on morning weekends when he's not tired. That way you can monitor the interactions and moderate his reactions, it's what his key worker would have done in nursery.

Why didn't he go to nursery? They learn to socialise with other children there.

@mummyofthree935 I’m a bit concerned that the only play he’s participated in is with rough cousins. He’s learn from them hasn’t he! Can you keep family meet ups at arm’s length until he learns not to hit ? These dc have been his role models and they aren’t great. If you haven’t observed him play, coukd you start organising play dates and observe how he is ? Other 4 year olds will inevitably push his buttons so he really does need to learn how to
play cooperatively and not with noisy hitting relatives .

He'll be fine - he's just working out what all this socialising lark is about.

It does not sound aggressive or malicious. It will pass. I am sure the teacher is explaining to him each time that we don't do that, just as you do when it happ[ens with his little sister.

Neither of mine went to nursery and neither of mine hit children when they started school.
They both went to playgroup a couple of afternoons a week and neither of them hit anyone there either
Don't worry at all about him not having gone to nursery

If I were you, I would talk to a child psychologist right away, not because I think that there is something wrong with your boy, but so that you can get a proper advice and tools to deal with his behaviour. The longer it continues the harder it will be to correct. Also as someone mentioned previously, there should be some kind of consequence, like time out, when he gets home to address his behaviour at school.

Best of luck OP.

@livelovelough24 That’s total overkill! He’s no identifiable Sen at the moment. Most EY teachers and good TAs will give the op a strategy for helping DS. The first thing to do is to work with the school or even the SENDCO there. Early days for SENDCO involvement though.

This dc did need a nursery though because his cousins have modelled hitting to get your own way in front of him. He’s not had good cooperative play modelled, so he’s learn to hit. Most parents think nursery helps dc adjust to playing and socialising appropriately as well as taking turns, not interrupting, tidying up etc. First person to speak to
is his teacher. Don’t splash out in an Ed psych.

I think this is different though from the OP. Your kids were at a playgroup a few times a week so learnt to be around a kids and socialise. From the what the OP says, she says her child has only been around kids at soft play or the park with the OP at their side.

I'm not criticising you OP as you did what you thought was best, but what sort of socialisation has your child had? Have they been to playgroups, toddler groups, play dates or parties? Learning to be round kids and learning these social skills is so important. Play is absolutely crucial for early development and it's easy to think as mums we can meet absolutely every need a young child has but it's impossible too which is why places like nurseries and playgroups help build these skills for children or even spending time with kids their own age.

Again I don't want to make you feel bad but to get an understanding of where your child is at. It would be unusual if you've said for a four year old to have only spent any time with kids at a park and soft play with their mum at their side. Hopefully he is just a bit behind in his social skills and school can help with this. Meanwhile I'd make as much effort as you can to try and get to know parents outside of school to encourage meet ups with the kids.

I agree with other parents it sounds like your child didn't attend daycare setting earlier which is when social skills with other children/peers develop. So it would appear he is behind other children who's used to being around others their age.

In addition, if he's having these play fights at home with his siblings I find sometimes these behaviours snowballs later. Sometimes parents will find behaviours "cute" but because it's not corrected, the behaviour snowballs. I have observed at swimming lessons, parents on the side laughing at their kids mucking around during class. Was funny to them at first until the behaviour got worse and worse each class and the kid just became so out of control the parents could no longer convince their kid to listen to the instructors anymore. Best to stop anti-social behaviours early and role model what's appropriate. Easier to correct poor behaviours early and that way the kids are clear on boundaries and expectations.

Good luck.

Giving a time out at home for something which happened four hours earlier at school, and was addressed at the time by the teacher, would be silly and completely pointless. 4-year-olds don’t connect the dots that way. He’ll be fine, OP - the staff will manage his behaviour at school, and as long as you’re reinforcing the same sensible rules at home he’ll catch on quickly.

Please don't link your son not going to nursery with him hitting in reception. It's brilliant that you wanted him to be with you until going to school!
Hopefully it is just an adjustment period and if the teachers aren't overly worried, you shouldn't be.
Is he a summer born? Might just be that he's very young or just overwhelmed by the noise/environment of the reception.
FWIW my son didn't go to nursery, only very PT preschool. He was a very happy, bright little lad. He started in reception and it's been pretty up and down since then. We've finally changed schools and he's a different child. He needed a different school environment to thrive and meet his academic needs.

@Mumofoneandone Why? He’s only witnessed rough play with relatives and seeing good behaviour in a nursery setting has not been available to him. Nursery doesn’t need to be full time of course, but no interaction with other dc in a pre school setting means he’s never been required to “play nicely”. Nor has he had to share, cooperate, sit down, listen, follow instructions or wait his turn. If it makes no difference we would not see it as important for dc and offer nursery education to dc. Nursery is a chance to mature with a high staff ratio.

I agree and came here to say the same. Consequences need to be immediate and inline with what’s happened. You can talk about it at home but make sure the consequence was at the time. Check in with school as to what consequences they are giving. Sometimes natural consequences work as well as planned punishment types. Maybe being asked to sit out for 5 minutes to calm down before returning back to play could be as simple as it needs to be. Punishing a child later in the day when they have no concept of time and possible can’t recall exactly what happened isn’t helpful. It might also be that someone needs to so do some social stories or similar with him about kind hands that can be regularly read each day so he gets the message.

Play dates with classmates are a good idea but if he’s labelled as the child who hits them you might also struggle with this. Perhaps look at enrolling him on some after school or weekend clubs. If he likes the ring and tumble then a martial arts might be good as they are very strict about making sure kids don’t ‘fight’ outside of the class. He might also so be sensory seeking the rough and tumble type activities of these are familiar to him. Or something like gymnastics where he can climb, jump and tumble but in a safe environment.

Look up children and hitting and pushing schemas. It’s a part of development where they explore cause and effect and how things or people move and impact each other. He needs to be given a chance to do this on the right environment and not school. Lots of throwing and hitting activities (banging toy hammers on toy benches or hitting toy drums) can be a way to redirect as well.

I had a child recently who was pushing stuff off tables, swiping them and pushing things over. It was in a school I was visiting for a few weeks and I suggested the got toy skittles and other things that could be knocked over as part of their purpose.

As a mother of a 22 year old and a 18 year old I used to stress and get down about things like this even less. Try not to take it personally I know it’s hard. Believe in yourself as a mummy and the kids will follow xx sending hugs x

Why didn’t you ever take him to playgroup or activities where he could mix with other kids? I didn’t go to nursery (as was common in the 80s) but remember going to lots of different playgroups with my mum or playing with her friends’ children who were similar ages to me. Has it just been you & him all the way from birth to school?

I agree if he has a lot of energy to get him signed up to some after school activities/sports to work it off/learn to socialise and behave appropriately.

Everyone saying oh it’s fine don’t worry/ what about the children he is hurting, who are doing nothing wrong? Why do they have to tolerate his bad behaviour? If it had been either of mine when they were younger getting hit, I’d be demanding the school did something about it.

Dont be too concerned he is still really young. Just keep an eye and keep reinforcing behaviour rules. Having said all that it could be an early sign of something sensory. Schools are busy noisy environments. Look up sensory processing disorder. My child was labelled as naughty at primary school from as soon as he started. They were always complaining to me of hitting, pushing, jumping around yet always denied any signs of other needs. He was meeting milestones in school so no referral etc. But it became apparent that his ''bad' behaviour was linked to noisy environments. He was later assessed for sensory processing disorder (SPD). As he got older these issues faded away and he was always well behaved and quiet. At high school he was having panic attacks and other traits and was referred and diagnosed with ASD. He is still doing great educationally, but he is still very much affected by noisy environments. So worth just finding out more - loads of great videos online about SPD. Keep and eye and dont worry - he will be fine. Its the uncertainty that is probably getting to you. I felt the same at the time

When posters are saying nursery they're using it as shorthand for a setting with other children before school. They don't necessarily mean FT private nursery. Part time pre-school and playgroups, which have both been mentioned on this thread, are basically the same thing as nursery, it's just semantics.

I think everyone knows what is meant by nursery and it's very different from preschool or playgroups.
Obviously referencing PT or FT nursery is helpful in their answers.