My reception child keeps hitting at school

[mummyofthree935]

Hey everyone, I have a four year old son who has just started school (reception), he has not been to nursery before and went straight to school. He has been there for exactly two weeks now and three days out of the 14, he has hit another child. It happens once every week, basically, and the teachers send me a message and talk to me at the end of the day about it. It’s so so so worrying for me as a parent I’m going sick with worry and I have no idea what to do. They say he just randomly pushes or lightly hits another child and today he even hit the teacher as he ran past her. I’m soooo confused and upset and I have no idea what to do. If it were at home I would be able to understand what may be causing it ie he’s overtired or hungry ect but I have no idea what happened at school and what causes it and neither do the teachers. He has a two year old sister who does this sometimes, but nothing major and stops when told so maybe he’s copying her? I don’t know. He does it at home with his sister but very rarely and nothing out of the ordinary. The teacher said today that this usually happens only with kids that have needs and our son seems perfectly fine otherwise, listens to instructions ect too and behaves but just this one problem. They are equally confused as me and I am so so so upset and worried. Like is this because he’s finding it hard to settle? Is this something that he will grow out of? Is this something to worry about?

A few questions:

What does he say when you ask?
What does he say when the teacher asks?
Have you asked what was happening before these incidents?
Have you talked to him at home?
Has the senco observed him?
Would you be happy for that to happen?
Has he had much chance to play with others his own age? What happened on those occasions?
Is he co-operative playing or parallel playing?

Nothing, he just says I won’t do it again or he just says no I was just playing
i dont know what he says to the teacher
yeah and they didn’t really specify but it’s mostly when changing tasks from playing to reading or tidying ect
no senco has not observed him yet and yeah I would be happy for them to
not really apart from parks and soft play ect and that was with me by his side
I have no idea if it’s co operative playing or parallel
but he fights with his sister and vice versa during both
also thank you so much for your reply ydek how badly I needed to talk to someone

I think you’re worrying unnecessarily. He’s just getting used to being with other children, he will modify his behaviour. If he’s still doing it in a year’s time, that might be a worry.

What are the consequences at home for it?

He’ll settle down. Starting school is a huge upheaval for him, especially as he hasn’t attended nursery or had the opportunity to interact with other children

This is what the teacher said too she said she’s not worried but I’m finding it really hard not to stress I’m actually really really really stressed and the mum guilt is so so bad, I just wish I had sent him to nursery. I just did not expect this at all because he’s such a friendly, playful child. Also, another thing is that his cousins (that are older than him and he has spent quite some time with) are very aggressive and always hitting, so maybe he learnt alot of it from them, I’ve completely stopped going there now because of this reason.

I just tell him off, explain to him, and take away a toy If it’s really bad which is very rare

I really hope so

It’s very early days, and he’s very young. He’s learning how to interact appropriately with others, as all kids must. I really don’t think you need to panic about this.

He's finding it a little hard to adjust as he's not used to a school environment. I'd imagine it's pretty overwhelming for a 4 year old with no similar experience. He'll get used to it. Keep telling him its not ok. Send your 2 year old to some form of childcare from 3.

Do you not put him on a time out? ‘You hit Alex today, so you have 4 mins on bottom step/ back door. After you need to draw Alex a nice picture to bring in tomorrow and say sorry’.
Ignoring the violent behaviour of young boys is fashionable, but you’ll be in well over your head by the time he’s a teen.

Probably 90% or more of the other children have been in a nursery setting. I would make it very clear to him it's unacceptable but I would y worry unduly until after October half term. Most children figure out not to hit in nursery. He hasn't had that opportunity.

Yeah you’re very right and yes I do put him in time out too but again it happens rarely at home that it’s needed. He’s actually so patient with his sisters most of time and plays nicely most of the time which is why I’m so confused

Yeah your so right, If I I had had any idea that this could happen I would’ve definitely sent him but he was my first child and I just wanted to keep him with me as long as I could before he went into the big world😭😭which I am kicking myself everyday for and will definitely not do for my other two

Was there a reason he didn't go to nursery?
Has been to any other setting with other kids? Childminder?

It sounds to be like he is trying to play but doesn't quite have the social skills yet to initiate in an acceptable way.

I would imagine if he hasn't been in nursery the noise and chaos of a reception class is probably quite a lot for him. If it is at the time you said, tidying up and changing activities, then it could be a reaction to the sudden change is pace of the class and probably increased noise levels and chaos as all the kids get up and start moving around. My DD is now Primary 4 and she doesn't like it when the class is being rowdy and disruptive. Luckily her way of dealing with it is to put her hands over her ears and say "I can't be doing with this noise." Even more luckily the class seem to actually take notice of it and every teacher she has had so far has said that they love the fact she can get the class to behave before it is even at the point where they are needing to step in. 😂

No reason other than I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before school started. I know it probably sounds so silly but he was my first and I just was so emotional about sending him away and thought it would be better if he spent that time with me instead. I guess I know better now😭😭

He’s getting used to the structure and routine in school. Expectations are high in Reception.
Sitting and listening in a group is a skill he would have learned at Nursery. I know you have realised this.

He’s now having to learn the social rules alongside the general routine and rules.
At home he can more or less plan his own day but needs to share resources and change activity when asked in school.
He might need support with transitions in class such as timers or a countdown.

I’d have a chat about “ safe hands and feet” and “no hitting or pushing”. Look for some books to share. Hitting the teacher is another level but sounds like this was a passing thing.
Hopefully he will soon settle with reminders.

Honestly don't stress about it (I say that having been though a few issues)
Basically my stock response is asking the lines of getting the full details from the teacher, asking if there's anything they would like me to do to reinforce/support things at home, and then once home I ask my son (in a non judgemental way) what happened, and then report back to the teacher the next morning what he thought.
I don't see it at my job to enforce discipline at school because I'm not there, but it's my job to support the teachers, communicate all round, and follow and their discipline system and policy.
So far it's worked well and it's taken the stress off it that I'm following a system rather than being a bad parent!
To be honest the worst day was a biting incident but luckily that was a one off, but either way, following the process helps.
I did get him to write a sorry card after the biting incident. But it's limited how much reflection you can do with them at that age, and it's not close enough to the moment to do many direct consequences.
Good luck!

He likely needs some time to adjust to being in a class environment with loads of other kids. If you’re in England everyone gets 15 free hours the preschool year so he’s probably the only one that didn’t at least do part time preschool. Many will have been full time since they were babies. Meaning they learned not to hit their friends and how to place nicely a while ago. For him it’s all new. So give it time. I do think you need to toughen up the consequences though as a telling off/explanation and only occasionally taking a toy it’s going to be much an incentive not to. Presumably school do some sort of thinking time/time out then ask for an apology so I’d check with them then make sure you do the same at home so it’s consistent.

Don’t worry.

Make a sticker chart! At the start of the day remind him “no hitting or pushing today. If the teacher says you had a good day you can have a sticker for your chart. When you have got a whole week of stickers you can have a treat!”

If he'd gone to nursery he'd just be doing the adjustment a year earlier and you'd be talking to the nursery teacher about hitting rather than the reception teacher! I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Keep an eye on it but I wouldn’t say worry. He’s never been in this situation before, this is his first time around that many kids.

Do ensure you’re consistent with his behaviour at home, make sure he knows it’s not acceptable ect… in reality, kids will often do this and then a bigger/stronger one will hit them back and they stop. It’s not nice but it’s the law of the jungle sometimes. I was a biter when I was little, until I got bit back!

I wouldn’t worry too much, keep reinforcing that it’s not ok to hit and think about some consequences for him if you hear anything from school. Tv ban for the rest of the day etc.

We had an absolute terror in DD’s class in reception, within two years he was completely different.

Unfortunately a lot of people don’t send their children to nursery because they don’t feel they need it but tbh the most important thing they take out of nursery is the social skills. Being in a class room with 20+ other children is very strange when you have been home with mum for so long and not been eased in. I’m sure it’ll go, just keep consistent.
also since my son was 2 when we walk into nursery we say ‘what kind of ears will we have for our teacher?’ And he chants back ‘listening ears’ and ‘what kinds of hands for all our friends’ and he chants back ‘kind and gentle hands’. He absolutely loves it but it’s also a good reminder each morning what the behaviour expectation from me are.
There is also a very simple but very good book called ‘hands are not for hitting’ you can get on Amazon.