Struggling with partner’s childcare arrangements, boundaries and stepfamily tensions at home

[Lhasamum17]

Will try to keep this brief, bear with me. Been with my partner 3 years. He’d been seperated 6 months. He has 2 kids, I have 1. His ex is very high conflict. She has been extremely derogatory/nasty about me to the kids since day 1 which has resulted in them not really wanting anything to do with me. We moved in together last year. They are civil enough however they are allowed to do what they like at home & he previously also allowed this so it’s very difficult when they’re here as I have my child to consider. Eldest won’t be left alone with me at any time.

partner is either working or has the kids. He has them all of his days off which is 3 nights/4 days at a time and another night a few days later giving her a lot of free time. She doesn’t share any pick ups or drop offs at all. We both work shifts. Getting any time together has to be planned out using time off from work. She also has a new partner the kids seem ok with as they don’t have anyone in their ear bad mouthing them .

he recently proposed a couple of changes to drop offs for the kids to try make things easier for them & him to be honest but she said absolutely not. Lots of back/forward, her suggesting she’d just keep them through the week now & he could do weekends knowing he works a lot of weekends so that doesn’t work. He said he would also drop the extra night he has them to give them more time at home then but she said only if he’ll still have them any Saturday nights as clearly she wants to be able to go out. So yet again no agreement.

im finding things very hard just now. Feeling uncomfortable in my own home when they're here due to awkward relationship, absolutely no boundaries, house ends up in chaos/a mess and how she just seems to have final say/control over everything clearly wanting to continue to ensure any spare time he has is taken up with kids?? I genuinely have huge moments of regret now that it’s too much.

anyone been through this, any advice or thoughts? Very much appreciated

Sorry to hear you are struggling

it is really a litany of argument in favour of not blending families. Hope you find a way that works for you and your own child.

So you have been with him for 3 years and he has been separated for 6 months??
Apologies - I have re-read and he had been separated for 6 months when your relationship began.

I think he'd only been separated 6 months when they got together. He evidently wanted a nanny with a fanny, and QUICK.

"He'd been separated for 6 months". This means he had been separated for 6 months before they met.

How old are the kids?

I’d just call it a day @Lhasamum17
It’s not worth the pain

They are 12 & 8

That’s so rude

Thank you, I think you could sadly be right

Honestly, this is not the man for you. Time to move on…

Did you move into a place together or did he move in with you?

Honestly getting together with a man 6 months after he split from his wife with 2 small children was never going to be a great idea for you - way too much baggage. This is going to affect your child too. at the least I'd not live together and see how it goes.

Continue to date but don’t live together. You need to protect your own child from this chaos.

I feel this is how it may end, I wonder how some people manage to work through it I really do you’re up against it constantly

Moved into a place together 18 months later so would have the absolute headache of dealing with that but so be it if needs must

I have thought about that but feel at that point really be as well just accepting it won’t work

Is this even ok for your own child?

have you told him how you feel? Does he expect you to just live like this? It sounds grim

I think the issue is that he has no free time for a relationship due to his commitment to his kids. If they are 12 and 8 the light at the end of that tunnel is 8-10 years away (if their secondary school isn’t a walk away and he’ll be doing school runs until then) and you have to take a back seat until then. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong but it’s the truth. Honestly, I don’t see the point in blending families when you have different parenting styles and I think you would be happier moving back out and having a home with your son that is peaceful.

i say this as someone who fully empathises, me and my DP have 5 between us (he had 3, I had 1 and then we had one together) it has been incredibly hard due to his high conflict ex, but we are absolutely on the same page in terms of behaviour and our ambitions for our kids (I.e. we both think school matters but we also value emotional wellbeing, sports and them developing as a whole human above academic success even though we have both achieved highly academically ourselves). Nonetheless it’s been hard for me to handle my step-children’s chaotic behaviour on handover days and the long term challenges of high anxiety caused by their mothers actions (bringing a pedophile into their life’s) and SEND needs of one of my step-children. If you don’t have shared values and boundaries I can’t see how this can work long term.

What age is your own child?

You firstly have a DP problem. He needs to put boundaries in place for when his children are over. Unless he implements this immediately moving forwards, you will have no future.
Secondly, he needs to put firm boundaries in place with his ex regarding contact. It needs to work for everyone, otherwise it will fall apart. If she continues to be resistant then a child arrangement order will be necessary but I warn you now, the process is brutal and any shred of former amicable relationship will be a distant memory of the past.....

A relationship is for enhancing all aspects of your life, to make it easier and fun, and in your child's best interests.

This man is pointless, he's a bad parent, he's making your life harder.

You know a life of happiness and peace is waiting for you and your child.

It’ll get worse as his DC hit the teen years.

End it now would be my advice. For your sake but also your DC!

11

Your child has one childhood.
Why would you trash it like this?

See what you’re saying and I’m well aware of commitments to kids of course and would always encourage that the issue is the arrangement that he seems to have put in place initially meaning he has them at any & every opportunity she will not deviate from
or agree anything else. The only other option is an order via court which has been spoken of many times but has never happened & doubt it will so a lot to think about going forward for me

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