Struggling with partner’s childcare arrangements, boundaries and stepfamily tensions at home

[Lhasamum17]

Will try to keep this brief, bear with me. Been with my partner 3 years. He’d been seperated 6 months. He has 2 kids, I have 1. His ex is very high conflict. She has been extremely derogatory/nasty about me to the kids since day 1 which has resulted in them not really wanting anything to do with me. We moved in together last year. They are civil enough however they are allowed to do what they like at home & he previously also allowed this so it’s very difficult when they’re here as I have my child to consider. Eldest won’t be left alone with me at any time.

partner is either working or has the kids. He has them all of his days off which is 3 nights/4 days at a time and another night a few days later giving her a lot of free time. She doesn’t share any pick ups or drop offs at all. We both work shifts. Getting any time together has to be planned out using time off from work. She also has a new partner the kids seem ok with as they don’t have anyone in their ear bad mouthing them .

he recently proposed a couple of changes to drop offs for the kids to try make things easier for them & him to be honest but she said absolutely not. Lots of back/forward, her suggesting she’d just keep them through the week now & he could do weekends knowing he works a lot of weekends so that doesn’t work. He said he would also drop the extra night he has them to give them more time at home then but she said only if he’ll still have them any Saturday nights as clearly she wants to be able to go out. So yet again no agreement.

im finding things very hard just now. Feeling uncomfortable in my own home when they're here due to awkward relationship, absolutely no boundaries, house ends up in chaos/a mess and how she just seems to have final say/control over everything clearly wanting to continue to ensure any spare time he has is taken up with kids?? I genuinely have huge moments of regret now that it’s too much.

anyone been through this, any advice or thoughts? Very much appreciated

So this is their life now? What benefit is all this to them?

agree with this but also think the non resident parent always has the most amount of power and it baffles me when they bow down to the ex who says you have to have them x y z for x y z hours. Althoughryes both parents should share the loads. If he really wanted to (not that I would even suggest it) he doesn't have to see them at all and there is actually not a single thing she would be able to do about it lol. I am just surprised that like with how many deadbeat dad's we hear about on here daily, that some men really let their ex pick and choose their time with their children. it really should be fair on both sides. I don't believe one partent should have their children every weekend and the other not. there needs to be a balance just as I would say to parents who are living together as a family. you wouldn't expect the women to have the child every single weekend while dad goes to football. you have a equal amount of time.

sounds like he needs to grow a pair. have a set routine and tell her what's what.

Move out or tell him to move out. See each other in your childfree time.

I think the issue is they wouldn't have any child free time to see eachother.

Oh well. At least the children will be happier.

so basically break up lol or they could just manage time better and make time for the relationship if they really want to...

You're the one who said they couldn't make time, so I'm not sure what your point is.

And them having more time together is not going to help the children, who are the most important people here.

I’m inclined to agree, speaking as someone who shares custody of their kids with their dad, I hate it tbh, I do have some down time but I fill it as I have no choice, I didn’t have kids to spend time apart from them. It seems alot of blended families feel entitled to time without kids - why? Also, people don’t seem to consider when getting with someone who’s had kids that at any point something could happen to the other parent. Mad

Seriously life shouldn't be this hard...he's a shite df. I wonder who's idea it was to live together?

He was in a rush to couple up after only six months of separating from his ex, he never put in the time to recover. He has his hands full with his ex and having his children, he hasn’t anything left to offer you. I can’t imagine how awful the atmosphere is for your own child, his mum is unhappy and as for your partners children, they have only just been introduced to the concept of rules and they must be full of resentment knowing their dad is only doing it because he lives with you. The children can see you are fed up with the chaos so will be doubling down on their behaviour because they have a Disney dad. You are not happy in this set up, his children aren’t and I doubt your child is so why are you continuing in this one sided relationship?

I didn't say they couldn't make time that's what OP is saying in her thread?

I have a different view. I feel that when you unite as a couple (same for parents who are together as a family) the children see that and respect it and feel more secure and in return they will thrive. But you have to actually want to be with the person in the first place to make time for them and grow as a couple.

I think by nurturing your relationship your making a much better environment for the children and are happier as parents/ a couple and it teaches them good relationships skills.

that's just my personal opinion

I think her partner was in a rush to be in a relationship after he split up with his ex, he doesn’t want to be alone. He isn’t putting anything into the relationship because to him she is convenient to get his needs met and help with the children.

I just don't understand why you would want to rush into living with someone else's kids or subject your child to this type of chaos. Your DP does what his ex tells him to and this won't change. The kids are a handful (probably because their dad is a wet blanket and they watch their mum walk all over him) and your poor 11 yo is living through this. He's not a good catch, you can do better for yourself and your kid. And by that i mean don't rush into a relationship with a deadbeat parent again, even if that means staying single for a while.

I wouldn’t have moved in with him tbh. Are you in his house, he in yours, or did you choose a new place together?

I don’t think this sounds like a great environment for your child. Or for you.

I think you need to be very clear to him that this isn’t working for you, and that he needs to find some way to change it eg via a court order that he strictly enforces, or you separate.

This isn’t fair on you or your child.

OK. Mine is that children deserve a safe and stable home without the antagonism, stress, and discomfort that the OP describes.

His children want their dad to themselves, his ex wants to make sure OP and partner don’t get any free time. Her child must feel crowded out and his mum is always unhappy and that’s why they need to live separately. Then @Lhasamum17 will see clearly that if he doesn’t have any free time to see her then they don’t have a relationship.

of course I agree to this too!

You both must put your children first which means living apart so all the children feel happy and secure.

Do you really want to spend the next 10 or so years living like this? It's unlikely to ever improve. Life is too short, especially to feel so crap in your own home.

It's very sad but it's not working out, is it? You're not at all on the same page when it comes to parenting and that is going to grind on you over time. He is trying to juggle work, looking after his kids and managing co-parenting with an antagonistic and difficult ex. He doesn't have the time or the emotional bandwidth to invest in his relationship with you too.

I'm agog that you moved your child in with someone you'd only been dating for 18 months tbh. That was far far too soon although appreciate that ship has sailed. I feel really sorry for all of the children caught up in this. It's not going to get better, actually it will probably get worse, so I'd cut your losses and separate now. You will need to support your child carefully because yet another separation and house move and so on will be confusing and destabilising for them but better for it to happen sooner than later.

This is for him to work out. I think in situations like this it doesn’t matter how much you like him separately to the situation as he comes with the rest of it. Prioritise yourself and your child as if you’re feeling uncomfortable with the situation your child probably is too.

Prioritise your child and move out.
It must be awful for them to have this chaotic lifestyle.
Ridiculous that he allows the ex to dictate to this extent.

You need to walk. I took on 3 children full time- 5,10 and 12 with my own 5 year old. In the background a mother who had walked away and did not want the children. I became in her words, the black step witch. But I cared, cooked, cleaned up the sick etc for 13 years and for what? Won't go into it here but is that what you want? You will never be more than a nanny and if he has no time for you or will not put his foot down then. . . just date him or better still, find someone who thinks the sun shines out of you which I am sure it does, and makes you a priority. Right now you are not!