Feeling overwhelmed with my 9 week old and needing reassurance

[Lilbonbon]

My DS is 9 weeks old today, I know he is so fresh and still adjusting to the world and I'm trying to be patient with him but I'm really struggling now with lack of sleep and feeling like I have no clue what I'm doing.

For context neither me nor DH have mothers, and I just don't feel like there's anyone I can truly ask for advice.

DH works 6 days a week and I'm home alone in a rural area with no car and no childcare and a 9 week old who.the internet said would be transferred after the 6-8 week fussy stage.

He will only contact nap, doesn't sleep quietly at night and is so fussy at the moment.

I don't really know what to do with him when he's awake, we do floor time and tummy time and sing songs, but is that enough?

On top of it all I've stsrted my period again but it's weird and light and I'm EBF day and night so.just super confused.

DH is incredible and supports me so well, but we really have no one, and i worry about him burning out.

I would appreciated any hope, any advice, and sleep tips that anyone has to offer.

Gratefuly,
A 23yr old first time mum.who desperately wants to get it right but feels overwhelmed.

Join some mum & tots groups. Not good to be sat at home all the time.

I plan to bit the nearest one is an hour away and we only have one car that DH uses for work.

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Congratulations on your baby OP!

I felt exactly the same as you as I'm sure the vast majority of first time parents do. I reckon everybody just wings it.

If I recall correctly around 10 weeks I spent most of the day sat on the sofa eating biscuits whilst DD BF (it felt like it was round the clock!). We used to do tummy time and I would read books (mostly for my benefit), listen to music and go for walks outside. I also didn't drive when DD is a newborn so we went on a LOT of walks to stop me going stir crazy 🙃

The bleeding could still be post birth? I seem to remember it rumbling on for a few months for me, hopefully you haven't been unlucky enough to get your period back so soon if you're EBF!

Try and make plans with some adult humans if you can to help you feel a bit normal. It can make you feel a bit crazy looking after a tiny baby 24/7 without having proper conversations!

Oh and sorry that this probably isn't helpful but my DD would only contact nap, nap in the car or eventually nap in the pram until she grew out of naps. It was a nuisance really as I couldn't use that time to get stuff done. I used to wear her in a sling and make the most of the guilt free sitting down! Also slings are super handy for the bus.

Edite

I liked taking mine out for a walk in the pram at that age, they’d often drop off to sleep and I liked the fresh air. I found the mornings ok, but the afternoons a drag so needed to break it up a bit.

Where do you live? In the middle of a forest or something? Im sure theres one closer if you look. Or get on facebook and ask if any local mums would like to meet up for a cuppa.

I don't really know what to do with him when he's awake, we do floor time and tummy time and sing songs, but is that enough?

Yes absolutely enough. At this age they just need to be warm, fed, held and some talking and singing is perfect. They really don’t care about much else!

Baby groups etc are great but they are for your sanity rather for the baby’s benefit. Is there anywhere you can get to without the car? Anywhere you can walk to? Can you buy another car?

It can be really lonely having a new baby, if you can get out and about it will do you good.

Living rurally with no car and home alone with a baby for 6 days out of 7 would drive the majority of people mad. I coped by going out for walks (baby in carrier, either napping or awake) and getting out to mum and baby groups regularly. I worry you may feel very isolated. Could your partner use public transport a couple of days a week? Could you look into another car for yourself? Or are there options for you via public transport instead? When would you be returning to work (if this is the plan?)?

As they get bigger they do interact more and you can do more with them, this age is a bit boring and the sleep.deprivation is likely at its peak. Please ignore what the internet says about young babies though. Many do not sleep through for a very long time, no matter what routine or steps you follow (unless you sleep train, which is a personal choice). Hes so little still

I definitely agree with those saying you need to get out of the house. Staying at home with a child of any age drives you crazy. I recommend getting out for the morning and then staying home in the afternoon. You don’t need baby groups, go for a coffee, to the supermarket, anywhere. Meet friends or family without kids too or ask them to come over. You need other company aside from your baby. If you don't know anyone already then speak to other mums, they might want the company just as much as you and if they don't they can probably empathise and chat to you anyway.

I'm afraid the sleep sounds pretty normal but it'll bother you less if your days are a bit more fulfilling.

Agree you need to get out of the house. Anywhere locally you can get a coffee? Just a change of scenery will help. Are buses accessible to you if you don’t have a car? Genuinely I think I’d have gone mad if I’d have stayed home all the time with mine when they were babies. Even getting out for a walk breaks up the day and the fresh air is good for you both.

First. You are doing amazing.

It is still early days and being perfect is a dream. At this stage getting through the day is a major win.

If you can get out to a group try to. Or a walk outside with baby. Just fresh air is great. Life saving for me anyway.

Sleep when baby sleeps. Watch crap TV. Or if you can read or listen to the radio..

Bless you OP. Are you normally someone who does a lot and is always on the go? I am absolutely not, so I loved those early weeks and months when there was nothing to do except keep baby warm fed and entertained.

When we left hospital with my first, I was absolutely amazed they were allowing us to walk out with this precious baby and barely a clue what to do with her. This was pre internet so I had read some books and magazines. I had never changed a baby’s nappy before my own.

You are doing BRILLIANTLY. It really is just like this the first few months. Like a sort of blurry, lost in time feeling.

When your baby is ready, they will fall into a rhythm or routine. And just when you have relaxed into that, they will switch up their routine!

The basic advice is the best. Never wake a sleeping baby. Sleep when baby sleeps.

It passes so quickly. I know it feels like forever just now, but before you know it they will be charging around.

Can you drive but just don’t have a car? Do you have friends who might visit you?

You do sound very isolated. Being out and about and seeing people saved my sanity with both babies. Is there any scope for a second car? What did you do to get around before the baby if DH has the car 6 days a week? Is there really nowhere walkable to get to? Even small villages often have baby groups at the local church etc.

I live on a small scottish island 😅

Welcome to Mums' World : You will never get it completely right, it's always a guessing/watching and see time. Stop trying to be perfect you will never win.

Do your very best for you and your baby. As you have already found out they are challenging at this time and always will be. Make sure you are well fed and rest when baby is resting. Do what you can when you can and don't fret about baby books, what you read on social media etc. None of this totally applies to you as you are both individuals and learning to live, love and laugh together. Some babies cry a lot, some want to be cuddled, others want more feeds. All are very different.

Your baby will soon grow up just treasure all the different times.

It is such early days and so do not stress about tummy time etc, just let dc sleep on you. I would agree with others to look to see if there are groups closer in a village hall or church. It would be helpful to be around other mums if you can. I would see if you can get another car, although I know this is expensive but it would mean you can get put and do things and feel less isolated.

You’re doing really well and it sounds like you’re doing all you can for your baby. It’s hard being so isolated, I was in the same position. What helped me was two walks a day, around half an hour each. It was something nice to schedule my day around other than feeds and naps.

My period also returned despite EBF so be careful as you’ll be extra fertile at the moment as I can tell you from experience!

Thank you everyone for the tips and advice!
I'm probably catastrophising a wee bit after an exceptionally difficult night last night.

For context I live on a Scottish Island, so a way of life that is probably hard to relate to. We don't have an abundance of shops, cafes or amenities outside of the capital which is an hour away by car.
We also don't have an abundance of people - there are currently 3 babies in our village and that is considered a baby boom.
The local school only has 20 pupils total when things are going well and has dropped to as low as 6 at times.

What we do have is gorgeous beaches, an abundance of wildlife and a close knit community. I do get out for a walk every day, and wee man absolutely loves it. I wear him in the carrier a lot and we average 10k steps a day at the moment - something we both enjoy since I'm used to being active.

DH is starting a new job locally, and they will provide him with a work vehicle, so hopefully in a few months I will have use of the car and can travel to town (an hr away) once a week for baby groups.

I think part of the frustration is that all my friends work full time, so the only time to see them is after work - also my only time to see DH and also coincides with DS bedtime.

All that to say, I am enjoying motherhood overall, it's just been a gruelling day, and as someone who can often measure her worth based off her productivity, it can feel hard spending the day feeling like I've accomplished very little and yet am still exhausted.

Oh and also I do have a health visitor who comes regularly, so I am not completely without support!

Thanks for all of the encouragement, I really just needed some kind words today!

OP mine didnt nap independently til she was over 12 months. Only contact; pram, carrier or car. You need to get out if you can, it sounds like thst should be easier soon. Just keeping a baby alive is an accomplishment. Don’t worry about anything else.

It is really hard OP, especially at this stage when the sleep deprivation feels like it’s been going on forever.

Can you organise a little meet up with the other 2 babies in the village? Do your own little baby group.

Use a carrier in the house if you want to do things whilst baby sleeps. And we never did tummy time.. mine toddler is perfectly strong!

You’re doing amazing. You’re keeping that little baby alive with your body that has gone through pregnancy and birth, on minimal broken sleep. They’re safe and loved in your arms which is all they want or need. You’re going through matresence which is a complete physiological, neurological, psychological and sociological change of identity, all while your husband is out of the house 6 days a week. I’m so sorry you don’t have your mum to help you. Becoming a mum without a mum is hard. Keep expectations low, honestly building a secure attachment, meeting the baby’s needs and looking after your health and sanity are your only goals right now, you’re doing more than enough, it’s everything.

This genuinely helped, thank you so much.
I think I just needed the acknowledgement so that I know I'm not just in my own head.

Honestly, I would have lost my mind with that setup. Living so remote AND with zero family to help must be absolute hell with a newborn. Nornally, island living comes with close community help.

Are you going back to work? Sorry to say, but, while things will improve when she's an older baby, once she is a toddler your days will be even harder than they are now if you are just alone with her for 6 days a week.

I didn't have any help and DH worked 5 days a week but I got out to baby groups every single day.

So you're doing well to cope so far really. But I'd revisit this living arrangement.

Aw mate, I was rural with no car for the first 4 months of babies life and it is a soul sucking existence, I at least had my husband wfh! But many a lonely buggy walk around the local graveyard or round and round the playpark as not many paths in the village. It was so. Hard. My son also was a bad sleeper and contact napped, very refluxy and grizzly. It's so lonely, we're not meant to be without people when we've had our babies.

I used the peanut app to meet other mums closish, one of whom became a good friend and took me and my son out, I remember the first cafe I went to in months, that cappuccino was amazing, being round people again was so energising. I'd come from London to rural was was a shock.

Is there nothing at all in your location for babies, classes, groups etc? Just know that you're getting it right in your and your babies way by simply responding to your babies unique needs. There's loads of literature and advice online, but your baby is on its own time scale. There's no right way, just respond to their needs and love them as you are. Do you know any mums nearby? Is there a village Facebook group you can ask if anyone has babies and wants to meet up etc?