Is it normal for DDs to strongly prefer their mum and not let dad bath them?

[Ayla1991]

I should start this by saying I suffer with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and am currently having therapy.

My DH is naturally not very playful, works a lot and has never bought the kids any toys etc but he is a fantastic dad and spends most of his time helping me. I’m a SAHM and have always spent a lot of time with the kids

But is it normal for the kids to have such a strong preference for me? My oldest DD is 4 and still will not let dad put her to sleep, bath her, take her to any activities, still cries when I leave the room. She does this when she is with my DH but also sometimes with grandparents but definitely more with DH. Last night I said DH had to bath her and she was hysterical. My youngest is very similar but I would have thought by 4 it would change

last night after the bath I got a notification on my phone from Reddit - a thread had been deleted where the mum was asking if there was something inappropriate going on and I could only see the comments where they had said something to do with the DD not wanting dad to bath her. I know my mind works in a strange way but it felt like a sign. A lot of comments said it was concerning so given my anxiety this has sent me spiralling a bit and I know I don’t have the full context of that post.

I wouldn’t say it was normal but I wouldn’t say it was a red flag either - was your DH involved in bathing and bedtimes from day one or did you do it all?

I think girls can lean towards their mothers more and that’s not necessarily you Husbands fault , perhaps he can start with playing or their dinner time rather than baths

Reddit is the worst for your anxiety ! Stay off it

wish you well in your therapy

My dp is a very loving and involved father-the kids love him. My dd was 8 before she was happy to let him do bedtime.

It's normal for children of both sexes to have a strong preference for one parent (sometimes girls prefer dads!), usually the one they spend most time with, though not always.

Keep going with the therapy as you don't sound very well if I'm completely honest op. Well done for engaging with the help you need.

It’s very normal for kids to have a strong preference. My son was always all about me, my daughter went through cycles. I think some of it is how you respond to it. When she cries for you, do you run back in? Do you ever go out of the house and just leave him to it? Has he been involved with personal care from day 1? Some things are inherent preferences, some are familiarity, some might be learned behaviours based on your reactions.

so what happens when she cries? Do you run straight back in or do you let your DH crack on?

if you go straight back in you’re teaching her that crying will mean she gets you. And I assume she cries more with your DH because she knows you’re in the house.

stop looking at Reddit and keep engaging with your therapist.

I think it’s normal for kids that age to have a preference for the primary carer. Especially if your DH isn’t very playful etc. Some kids are also particularly resistant to any change in what they’re used to, so if she’s used to you giving her a bath she just won’t have it any other way.

My 2 DSs go through phases of preferring me to DH. Even my 5yo will often insist on me doing his shower and bed time. They prefer DH to play with though.

I think crying when you leave a room at 4 is a bit extreme.. my eldest did this at 2 or 3.

Does your DH actually do anything to engage with them? Play with them? Talk to them, read them a story? If not then I’m not surprised it feels like too much of a jump for him to do bath and bed.

Do you ever go out without them? Like out of the house… it’s easier for them to settle if you actually leave the house rather than just being in another room but not accessible to them.

She is 4. What do you mean “won’t let”? She isn’t in charge. Do you go out? Make plans to see a friend and let them both have time together. It’s not surprising that she cries for you given that she spends more time with you.

Kids will naturally feel more safe and secure with a parent who provides the most care to them. Really he should’ve been sharing bedtime and bath time from day 1. Take yourself out of the house for an hour and let him and the kids crack on. If he’s loving and patient the kids will come round. They’ll probably still have a preference for you but they should at least be ok with dad doing it.

My 3 year old daughter will only let me bath her, because that’s what we always do. My 4 year old son used to be the same, but when I became pregnant I asked my husband to take over as my son was too heavy to lift (tbh I was just looking to offload as many household/child tasks as possible 🤣). So then his dad doing bathtime became his routine and he would refuse to let me do it.

However my husband was away a few weeks ago so I had to do my son’s as well as my daughter’s baths - he was upset about this, until I got a new bath toy out and then no problems. Now he always wants me to do bath time instead of my husband.

I think it’s probably just that children get really stuck in routines. If it was part of a bigger picture then yes I’d be thinking about it, but alone it means nothing really.

I remember being like this as a kid because my dad was quite heavy handed. As a small wriggling thing I can now understand why but he would rather dunk me than carefully hold a hand over my eyes to stop soap going in/splash a huge bowl of water in my face and up my nose, etc. Mum's tend think with a bit more empathy.

DD2 was fixated on me, especially at that age. She wouldn’t willingly let exDP bath her or put her to bed either. ExDP was a very uninvolved Dad tbough and was perfectly happy to not bother with the DCs, DD1 was also more focused on me but much less so. DD2 turned out to be autistic and have ADHD which I think may have played a role in this behaviour.

My granddaughters are the same , they definitely prefer me or their mother bathing them .
They were both naked in the paddling pool very happily playing and on hearing their dad and grandad coming both wanted their knickers on , they were around 6-7 at the time and I think both were more comfortable with underwear on when men were around .
I think it’s just a natural thing that girls prefer other women to men sometimes .
Not saying all girls are the same or they see men as a danger it’s just a comfort thing .

is this a routine that you have set up where you are always there to do it ,and you always rush to her when she cries ? Has he ever spent one and one time with her doing these things ? You need to step back and leave them together and she will warm up to him eventually. Get off reddit . That is going to screw with your head.

I think you being a SAHM means she sees you as the default parent. From day one Dh was hands on, fun, engaged and spent as much time one on one with Ds as he could. We always took it in turns to do bath time and putting him to bed. When I became a SAHM that became even more important for Dh so I just used to leave the house so Dh was alone with Ds meaning I couldn't be found even if Ds wanted me. Or he would take him out, just the two of them.

I think you need to ask yourself in the 365 days of every year, how many of them has he put her to bed for? Because it seems like this is something he doesn't do. Of course she will kick off because you are changing her routine.

Your Dh shouldn't be "helping" you, he should be parenting his child which includes things like bathing her and putting her to bed. You could prepare her for this, set it up so she gets advance notice it will happen tomorrow or whatever and then you take yourself out of the house way before the whole evening routine starts so he can bath her and put her to bed. If you were suddenly unwell and hospitalised he would have to do it anyway. Start helping her build a great relationship with her Dad.

I am one of six children and out of the six of us me, my oldest brother and my sister all insisted on my mum putting us to bed. We were all just a lot more attached to my mum and very much wanted my mum or we wouldn’t settle. The others didn’t give a fuck who put them to bed. With my own kids, my son tends to prefer me and he did have a period of screaming if I wasn’t there but it was a phase.

I don’t think it sounds abnormal. Get off Reddit though ahah it will drive you mad.

My DH is naturally not very playful, works a lot and has never bought the kids any toys etc but he is a fantastic dad and spends most of his time helping me

Not what you asked but This isnt a description of a fantastic dad with a close relationship with his children..

Separately my kids inc 4 yr dd are very happy for my dh to bathe them but je has always done bath times.
neither like my dh washing their hair in the bath as he is rough and hamfisted vs me and isnt very gentle imo he is also careless with water and get sit in their eyes than has the audacity to be annoyed when they complain 😅

He probably needs to spend more time with the kids.
Unless you had a feeling pre the reddit thread and / or your dd has other signs UTIs is a big one so is change in personality I'd be more focused on achieving a better balance in your parenting

I remember when I was little, my dad was easily my favourite parent, but one night my mum said he had to bath me instead of her. I was maybe 7. I was adamant that wasn't happening. There was no abuse; it just would have embarrassed me.

I wouldn’t say it’s a girl/mum thing. Some children go through phases of parental preference.
our girls are 4 and 6, and they’ve often had a phase of wanting daddy to do bath and bedtime and then for me (although he does a more “fun” bath time than I do!)

we’ve always split it so it’s never just 1 of us doing for for a long period of time (unless the other is away)
for example, if DH has a meeting in the evening, he will do bath time and I do bed time for the both. Or during bath time, I wash their hair and he supervises tooth brushing before each doing 1 child’s bedtime and we swap bedtime each night.

we’ve never just given in to the kids demanding “mummy does my bedtime” if I’m doing her sister’s or if I’m busy doing something. And the girls know that, even if they do try it on!

I think your anxiety and this Reddit post is clouding your view, especially if you have had no concerns about your DH towards your child. Plus the anxiety may be filtering down to your child as they pick up on anxiety and feelings more than you think

I have a DD4 who is exactly the same but DH is very involved and fun parent. Always doing things with the kids and making life fun. I am the fun police with the boring mundane things we have to do to make the day work. She sometimes gets in hysterics if DH tries to help me out and do something for her.

I don't think it is unusual. I remember DS being the same at this age and he would flip flop between which parent he wanted on a weekly basis.

So he's not good at playing with them, works long hours, doesn't buy them treats.

And you're wondering why she prefers you?
Hoenstly op, I think it's just crap Dad syndrome.

Thank you all for the replies, this is very helpful.
I do sometimes go in when they are kicking off. When I’m not in the house they will get upset when I leave but he puts the tv on and then they’re fine. They’re fine when I’m gone and also fine for him to bath them and put them to bed when I’m not there from what he says.
there is no other background or reasons to suspect, the kids aren’t scared of him and often do play and laugh with him (especially the youngest). But this all started with a conversation with my daughter where I asked her leading questions and she eventually said yes, it’s on one of my previous threads. The only other thing was when she was around 3 she used to sleep in our bed and I went downstairs in the morning while they were asleep to make her lunchbox. I was gone for around 20 mins and when I came back up they were both fast asleep but my daughters trousers and nappy were off. I know sometimes kids remove nappies in the night and at the time I wasn’t concerned but now with my anxiety like this I think of that sometimes

I know this is a very strange anxiety to have and I don’t know why I have it, hence the therapy

OP this is new information, its really hard to judge as readers and i don't want to dismiss your anxieties or fears. What type of leading questions do you mean? why did you ask?

Sorry the thread is this if you can see it

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5535587-sensitive-topic-safe-and-unsafe-touch-conversation