Is it normal for DDs to strongly prefer their mum and not let dad bath them?

[Ayla1991]

I should start this by saying I suffer with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and am currently having therapy.

My DH is naturally not very playful, works a lot and has never bought the kids any toys etc but he is a fantastic dad and spends most of his time helping me. I’m a SAHM and have always spent a lot of time with the kids

But is it normal for the kids to have such a strong preference for me? My oldest DD is 4 and still will not let dad put her to sleep, bath her, take her to any activities, still cries when I leave the room. She does this when she is with my DH but also sometimes with grandparents but definitely more with DH. Last night I said DH had to bath her and she was hysterical. My youngest is very similar but I would have thought by 4 it would change

last night after the bath I got a notification on my phone from Reddit - a thread had been deleted where the mum was asking if there was something inappropriate going on and I could only see the comments where they had said something to do with the DD not wanting dad to bath her. I know my mind works in a strange way but it felt like a sign. A lot of comments said it was concerning so given my anxiety this has sent me spiralling a bit and I know I don’t have the full context of that post.

It’s normal for any child to have parental preference. You need to go out more so he has to parent and the children get used to it.

I’m also a sahm with a 4yo. My dd is very close to me BUT she has no issues with dh bathing her or putting her to bed.

The difference here seems to be the way your dh is.

my dh is very hands on, very playful and spends a lot of time doing what DD wants to do. The other day they were painting each others nails and I could hear dd rattle on and on about school stuff and dh is so engaged. He has made the effort to be a fun yet safe space to her.
My dh likes being in the kitchen and does all the baking so dd loves helping him.

your dh isn’t very playful, never buys toys and spends his time helping YOU. Why would she ever feel close and comfortable with him?
How is she meant to go from not having a lot of close and secure interaction to being bathed and bedtime?

Look at it from her POV.

There was a point where she was about 3 and refused dh to do anything for her. He couldn’t even look at her and she would get so upset. He still showed up and tried every day to get through to her even when she was being mean at times. But it worked because she broke eventually and they are so close.

it’s up to HIM to nuture a relationship. Have a discussion about this with him, on how he can go about it.

My dh also works long hours in a very intense and stressful environment. But manages to make the very little time he has work with the kids.

This is very true. He doesn’t tend to make a lot of effort as he hates when she’s mean to him and rejects him. I asked him why he has never bought either of them a single toy and he said because we have too many toys, but even on birthdays he doesn’t buy any. My parents and sister are very involved, buy a lot of toys, play a lot etc and that probably makes it worse. Once in a blue moon he comes home with chocolate for them, maybe twice a year

I’m a SAHM and DD prefers Dh to give her a bath and do bedtime, they are extremely close but she doesn’t see him as much as she sees me and he’s more fun at bathtime.

My 2yr old prefers her dad. She lets me do all the things you mention but she absolutely lights up when he’s around. It’s just one of them things.

I going to be really brutal here to try and get through to you past your anxiety. What you are applying here is a horrific criminal offence, the worse thing that a parent could do and a child could have happen to them. I have looked at your previous post and you wrote it in May. It sounds entirely like you asked a 4 year old completely leading questions. However, there is two issues here.
One is you honestly believe your husband could be abusing your daughter for the past 4 months and you’ve continue to let them be under the same roof and for it to continue to happen. Which is horrific.
or (and let me be crystal clear from your messages I believe this to be the most likely option) you have let things gets so bad you are asking your 4 year old leading questions about this and thinking these things about your DH.
Children have parental preference, it’s normal, it does in absolutely no way mean the parent that isn’t the preference is doing something to the children. Please, please continue to get help for this for your children.

Thank you. I really need the brutal honesty and this is what I needed to hear. It’s very hard to explain and I honestly don’t think he has done anything but even the 0.1% chance from these events has been impossible for me to cope with. He is the person I trust most in the world and have done for 16 years so I can’t even speak to him about these feelings. I have actually been fine for a few weeks and have barely thought about it but I guess my recovery won’t be a straight line. I remembered the incident where I found her without her nappy which has sent me today but I know I was only downstairs for around 20 mins and they were both asleep so I need to focus on the most likely, not the possible

Have you ever been SA?

He’s the person you trust most in the world and have for 16 years . But your mind thinks otherwise.

I'm a sahm dh works and no got four under 5 plus older and all perfectly happy with me or dh to bath, clean up,soothe,put to bed. Never had a problem as he helps and always has done soon as each was born nights,sickness etc so there used to both of us being able to look after them

What stands out to me OP is in your previous thread when you said your Mum brought you up to fear everyone. This seems to be the root of all this and doubtless you are working on it with your therapist. Maybe your present crisis is a symptom of progress,actually.
When are you planning to go back to work?

This is really it. If I told my mum all these things she would think it’s red flags and panic as she always does. My sister is aware of my anxieties and a lot of this situation and she was unsure whether it was something to worry about or not which obviously made me feel worse as she was the only person I told for a long time, but when I told my brother he told me I was being ridiculous. When my DD started reception my sister said “you need to make sure she communicates with you because she’s going to school now and anything can happen while she’s there with teachers etc”. Obviously that was not the best thing to say to me of all people

what do you mean my current crisis could be the start of progress? Because I really hope this is true, I’d do anything to get better!

My therapist wondered the same thing but no I haven’t. I was just brought up to fear men and struggled with that until I was a lot older

My dad (who has always been a great dad) did not bath me when I was little and I would definitely have felt very uncomfortable if he had.,

I met a similar Mum to you not so long ago, her child is non verbal and she was obviously struggling as a single Mum. She didn't want her child to go to nursery as 'they are full of p*ds'. Of course we read sensational news stories but that doesn't mean its going to be found every where you go especially in regulated work places.
I'm no psychologist but I wonder if, as you go through therapy (which I have for unrelated issues) your anxiety is fighting back by crystallising into this particular focus. I certainly had some strange mental experiences in therapy. Your therapist will be able to help more than me! Wish you the best of luck you obviously love your child and are doing your best for her and tbh sounds like your H is too. Hugs

Thank you so much
you have no idea how much you and others on this thread have helped me