sick with stress over 2 year old's eating

[PiedPiper89]

My 2 year old is obsessed with food and I'm stressing myself out not knowing if I'm handling it the right way.

She has a healthy appetite but is quite picky, which I know is normal, especially around vegetables, and often refuses the meals we offer. When we're busy or out and about it's manageable as she's distracted but we're really struggling with the post-nursery, pre-bed period. At nursery she has 3 meals and 2 snacks per day but still comes home starving. We offer a substantial snack (like banana and toast, greek yogurt and fruit etc) but she just screams for cereal and won't touch anything else. She could easily eat 2 toddler bowls of cereal and ask for more.

Another things I'm worried about is that she always wants what my husband and I are eating. We can't eat around her outside mealtimes without her screaming for our food. We usually say no, which leads to a tantrum, but I don't know when to hold the boundary and when to just let it go. Should we avoid eating in front of her altogether?

She's just turned 2 and weighs 13kg. She's a solid toddler, average height with slightly chubby arms/legs and a big toddler pot belly. I'm terrified of her growing up overweight but I'm also terrified of giving her issues around food. She just doesn't seem to have an 'off button'. My dad has commented a few times that she 'doesn't stop eating' and makes me feel like a terrible mother who is letting her child get obese.

All my friends with kids stress about them not eating, or not eating enough so I feel very alone with this problem.

You should be having family meals together, stop giving her own separate meals and eat together and offer her what you have (obviously smaller portion.)

maybe she’s not actually eating the meals at nursery? Is she getting plenty of exercise?

Why would you be eating and she not be eating? That sounds like a recipe for disaster for most toddlers.

Is she eating enough protein and fat?

Some kids are just hungry.

After 3 kids- all with different attitudes towards food I keep it simple. I provide 3 meals a day and snack after school. If they are hungry they will eat it.

they will have tantrums and say all sorts to try to get the food they want. This is some of the only control they have over their little lives and so it can seem extreme to grownups. They are just practicing choice.

however I stick to my mantra . They will eat what I give if hungry.

not sure why you and dp and eating in front of her and not including her through? Natural that she will want to join in .

How much is she actually eating at nursery, and why can’t you do her a plate of what you’re having in the evening a well? Maybe she just needs more food.

Why are you eating separately to her and refusing to let her try your food?

What are her meals on a normal day? What are her activity levels?

Maybe the meals at nursery are too small, or she doesn’t eat it all if she’s not keen on it.
It’s great that she wants to eat what you and your DH are eating, so instead of giving her toast or a bowl of cereal when she’s comes home, I’d be dishing her up a little plate of whatever we were having.

Toddlers are notoriously picky and fickle with eating. If she is eating a meal at nursery but then seems hungry and trying to eat your dinner then give her some but make sure your meal is healthy and veg filled. If you are eating pizza for dinner or something in front of her then of course she will want it.

Try and swap the meals around if that works better, my fussy eater wouldn't entertain fruit and veg at tea time when tired and grumpy but would be more amenable at breakfast and lunch. So we moved toast and cereal to tea time but offered the more nutritious food earlier in the day.

Lots of questions, sorry:
Do you know what she actually eats (as opposed to what she is offered) at nursery?
If she’s still hungry, why can’t she have a small portion of what you’re eating? It’s good for a family to develop the habit of eating together, anyway.
Why do you give in when she screams for cereal? You’re just teaching her that screaming for what she wants works. (And is it healthy cereal like unsweetened Weetabix or something sugary?)

If she’s really hungry she'll eat what you offer. You say she has no "off" button where food is concerned - but you don’t have to give her food every time she asks for it. If you know she’s eating well at mealtimes, it’s up to you to teach her that perpetual snacking is not good.
Good luck!

There are chromosomal conditions that cause insatiable hunger but I suspect you’d know by now and there are other signs.

I don’t really eat in front of my toddler much. I would just eat at other times, tbh.

Have you tried actually giving her dinner at home? My eldest wasn’t that hungry after daycare but my youngest was starving. You really never know how much they’re eating in a day so I always offered dinner.
If I collected them and only gave banana and toast they would be hungry.

Another things I'm worried about is that she always wants what my husband and I are eating. We can't eat around her outside mealtimes without her screaming for our food. We usually say no, which leads to a tantrum, but I don't know when to hold the boundary and when to just let it go. Should we avoid eating in front of her altogether?

This is just normal imo. It’s weird to eat around anyone and not include them, if you don’t want your child constantly snacking then don’t eat things in front of her when you don’t want her to have it.

I would offer her a small portion of what you are eating. I do not do separate meals for my two and may offer cereal if they refuse to eat what I have offered but that is a case by case basis. They can choose 1/2 things that they do not want to eat on their plate but they have to eat everything else. I also do not praise for eating vegetables/fruit as you do not get praise for eating chocolate. We do call salad dinosaur leaves as my son has dinosaurs that live in his mouth that come out at night time and have a party if he eats the leaves

I would offer her a small portion of what you are eating I tried this but more often than not DD eats it quickly and then tries to devour mine. Only if it’s a burger or something mind; she leaves me alone if it’s a salad!

I have the opposite problem in a way as my DD is a very poor eater (unless it’s crisps, in which case …) and is both picky and has a tiny appetite. I don’t actually know how she hasn’t wasted away to nothing but given she hasn’t I am inclined to think toddlers need less than we think.

Ours sat at the table with us at that age and ate what we were eating if it wasn't too extreme. If it was too spicy she would get her own meal, I usually had frozen portions of things she liked to reheat if necessary.

What type of cereal ? If it’s a healthy kind ( porridge or weetabix) with milk what’s wrong with that. If it’s junk - you need to wean her off that and that will be hard

and why on earth are you not eating the same meals together ?

Are you certain she has 3 full meals at nursery? That would be quite unusual, normally the children have tea at home with their parents. And sit and eat with her, giving her some of what you have, of course she wants some if u sit and eat in front of her!

Mine would always want what I was eating, I think that's very very common! We always eat together, except breakfast, but I still sit down with her and drink my coffee while she eats.

I think it’s quite damaging to not include toddlers/children in your family meals. I remember watching my parents eat happily without me and felt very left out - maybe because there was always some tension or conflict going on, so I couldn’t understand why I was excluded from one of the only peaceful and happy experiences I witnessed between them... I grew up comfort eating and have always struggled with my weight.

Also, she has her own metabolism that has nothing to do with your very unhelpful father. Babies and toddlers are naturally intuitive eaters that know how much they need (and of what sort of food - that’s why some days they will eat lots of something and the next day they turn their nose up at that same food).

Do her a food diary with help from nursery and go to the doctor. It's true that some people don't have an off button and this can lead to obesity. HOWEVER, food is a very emotional and subjective topic - you may have a distorted view of how much she is eating and how much she needs to eat. Proceed with extreme caution and medical support so you don't make matters worse.

At her age i would give her as much healthy food as she wants and definitely eat with her and offer her what you are eating to build normal habits and a good relationship with food. Let the cereal run out or hide the box. When she screams, calmly repeat that there isnt any and offer your alternatives. She will adapt to the change, she screams now because you give her cereal.

A pot belly is a normal body shape for a toddler (mine used to look pregnant in the bath after a big dinner) and some children are naturally hungrier and more solidly built than others who are naturally skinny. Thats okay as long as you are satiating the hunger with nourishing foods. I found a plate of sliced salad bits put out on the table with no comment while I finished preparing the rest of the meal led to increased intake of those kind of foods.

Her wanting to eat what you are eating is fabulous. Family meals are the way to go.

I can't see any reason for you to be stressed? You need to sort your own worries out, it'll rub off on her otherwise. She is growing and she doesn't sound overweight.
" Should we avoid eating in front of her altogether?" - yes, if you don't want her to eat it! of course she will want what you are eating. We have to hide if we have any snacks, and otherwise we eat all our meals together. I don't see why you wouldn't have a family dinner after nursery? Mine has 3 meals at nursery but the tea is at 4pm so we always have dinner together around 6-6.30pm. Often mine won't eat much but sometimes she does. Always offer the same meal. Don't buy any more cereal, we've never given our toddler cereal. If she is hungry, offer porridge.

Just offer a sample of what you are eating. Don’t buy food you don’t want her to have.

Post-nursery hours, I feel like a lot of kids are overstimulated and tired. Is your LO really screaming about the food, or could it be more tiredness/connection seeking? Can you do something slow and gentle together instead before dinner and bed? Is she only being triggered by food when she sees everyone else eating, but she's not allowed? That could feel quite isolating!

I have a 2-year-old too, and a lot of this sounds like him :) One of the best bits of advice I ever got was not to stress too much about how much he eats day to day but to step back and look more at the overall week.

He has some days where I swear he's surviving on nothing but dust and a single cornflake he somehow found somewhere. Those days I'm literally pulling my hair out trying to get sustenance into him. Other days, he's having 2 bowls of porridge before nursery, a second breakfast when he gets there, then multiple portions of whatever flavourful meals they've got going (which he would NEVER touch at home btw) + healthy snacks up to his eyeballs. Then he comes home and continues munching for tea AND dinner!

I feel like he's growing and evolving so fast at the moment - he doesn't stop moving, and he seems to eat quite intuitively, which may not fit with my 'schedule' or 'expectations', but works for him. He's tall for his age, quite slim but he's got the toddler pot belly and honestly seems to be built more like a 14kg wombat than a child. He's absolutely solid!

I do think it's really important to eat together as a family as much as possible, and yeah, of course they want to share whatever you're having! That's totally normal. Either be willing to share by making enough, or wait until she's not around x