sick with stress over 2 year old's eating

[PiedPiper89]

My 2 year old is obsessed with food and I'm stressing myself out not knowing if I'm handling it the right way.

She has a healthy appetite but is quite picky, which I know is normal, especially around vegetables, and often refuses the meals we offer. When we're busy or out and about it's manageable as she's distracted but we're really struggling with the post-nursery, pre-bed period. At nursery she has 3 meals and 2 snacks per day but still comes home starving. We offer a substantial snack (like banana and toast, greek yogurt and fruit etc) but she just screams for cereal and won't touch anything else. She could easily eat 2 toddler bowls of cereal and ask for more.

Another things I'm worried about is that she always wants what my husband and I are eating. We can't eat around her outside mealtimes without her screaming for our food. We usually say no, which leads to a tantrum, but I don't know when to hold the boundary and when to just let it go. Should we avoid eating in front of her altogether?

She's just turned 2 and weighs 13kg. She's a solid toddler, average height with slightly chubby arms/legs and a big toddler pot belly. I'm terrified of her growing up overweight but I'm also terrified of giving her issues around food. She just doesn't seem to have an 'off button'. My dad has commented a few times that she 'doesn't stop eating' and makes me feel like a terrible mother who is letting her child get obese.

All my friends with kids stress about them not eating, or not eating enough so I feel very alone with this problem.

Sorry I've probably not represented what's happening very well, we don't eat meals without her, we eat meals together on the days she isn't in nursery but on the day's she is in nursery she comes home at 6pm and has her snack and I might have a piece of toast for example. She will scream for my toast.

Or on the days she's not in nursery she has her breakfast at 7:30/8am but I can't eat that early. If I then want a bowl of porridge at 10am, I give her eg a banana to eat while I'm having breakfast but she screams for mine.

We've tried all having dinner together but one of us picks her up on the way home from work and so we'd have to cook when we got in and she's screaming for food and cant wait even 20 mins. So we've been having a snack and then we have dinner when she's in bed.

Nursery have also commented she's a great eater, often has second helpings etc

I suppose thinking about it, it's turning from just wanting food all the time to actually being very specific with what she wants. She is offered plenty of reasonable options but she tantrums because it's not what SHE wants

Example from yesterday. Husband got home with her from nursery at 5:45. I immediately put her in her highchair and offered her a snack plate with baked courgette fritters, dip, some crackers with hummous on and a piece of ham sliced up. I sat with her and ate my afternoon snack (some yogurt and granola). She ate the ham then started screaming for either cereal or my yogurt.

I said no, you've got your food, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to but you can't have mine (cue a tantrum) but I don't know whether I should have just given her mine?

I would just eat the same as her or eat the yoghurt when she wasn't there.

Yeah, I'd just eat the same as her. I don't eat anything in front of my toddler that I'm not prepared to offer her.

Also 13kg doesn't seem massive for a 2yo? It's the 80th percentile for a girl who's only just turned two, so well within the realms of normal.

Just give her the same as you.

I think it’s natural for a two-year-old to want the same as you’re eating, particularly if it’s something she likes. I think you’ll either have to give her the same as what you’re having, or be prepared to eat what you’re giving her. You can’t expect her to understand why yogurt and granola is an acceptable snack for you but not for her. (Actually, I’m not sure I understand why, either!)

Your problem is not eating the same food as her. You need to have the same snack. Of course she wants your yoghurt or toast! So either you have crackers, houmous etc or offer some toast like yourself. You just need to fill her up so she isnt hungry overnight, you can worry about offering a range of food or balanced nutrients etc when she hasnt been eating full meals at nursery.

Why cant she have some porridge with you at 10am instead of a banana? I think you will see a difference if you start eating with her rather than alongside her.

Just eat the same as her. Food on the table for everyone to help themselves to. Including snacks. Why give her a banana when you're having porridge and she wants porridge? And why can't she have granola and yoghurt when you do? All a bit weird.

It’s completely normal for your toddler to want to have some of your food if you’re eating without offering her any. Like completely normal, it’s actually weird that you think it’s weird or makes her obsessed with food.

You are “terrified” ?? That’s an extreme reaction. Do you have food issues yourself?

Do you have a healthy relationship with food OP?

But why could she not have yoghurt and granola with you instead? Or why can you not eat Hummus and crackers? That is what you wish her to have? What would have been wrong with that and it would have solved the tantrum situation.

Also, why are you having an afternoon snack at almost 6 pm? And breakfast at 10 am? It sounds like your own eating times are all over the place. It’s perfectly normal for a two year-old to want what you were having whenever you were having it.

Overall, it sounds like a lot of drama and stress which she is undoubtedly picking up on.

A two year old is too young to understand why you have different foods. Especially when they are tired after a day at nursery.

She’s 2. She’s growing at a huge rate. If she is hungry, feed her. If she wants your food, she should have a plate of the same food - if she wants some of your porridge spoon some out for her it’s fine. If she wants yogurt give her some.

You should eat as a family not after she is asleep.

She’s too young to teach about moderation etc. Just avoid sweets/juice/sugary crap and choose low sugar cereals.

I would just start eating the same as her when she’s around.
No reason why she couldn’t have had yoghurt and granola like you as a snack.
No reason she couldn’t have a small bowl of porridge as a morning snack either.

You can't eat something different in front of her and not expect she'll ask, that's very unfair. You need to either not eat (in a scenario where you are having dinner later) or eat the same as her, even if just a small portion, whatever it is. It sounds like you're massively overcomplicating things and have unrealistic expectations of a very young child. if you're having porridge at 10am, just give her a small portion - that's her morning snack. And she's not overweight at all, she's a normal weight for her age.

No not really, hence why I have huge anxiety over what I give her and when.

I'm currently on a diet so my eating times, portion sizes etc are strictly calorie controlled. It's the first time in my life I've managed to get my own eating habits under control and I feel really good for it, I don't want to stop.

But it makes it difficult to 'just give her some of mine', or eat meals together. Our schedules just don't really align right now. But then it sounds like that's the answer to why it's so stressful. So I have to choose between me being healthy or low stress mealtimes.

You’re being ridiculous, it’s not a choice between you being healthy or anything else. You’re enforcing unhealthy eating patterns on your DD by eating different food at different times to you.
There’s no reason you can’t make your daughter a small amount of what you’re having. It’s literally a non issue.

Stop differentiating her/your food and meal times. Try and eat the same food at the same time, even if it means preparing it the previous night.

3 full meals at nursery? Or do you mean a bowl of porridge, lunch at 11.30 am and a light tea at 3pm? She’s probably ravenous by 6pm. Give her an apple for the way home.

Make 1.5 or 1.25 of what you are "allowed" to eat and then offer her the 0.5. It doesn't have to be super complicated.

If yours are Low fat then give her the same thing or even the full fat equivalent. Even better if she’s eating full meals at nursery surely.

Just make sure you are eating what looks like the same thing together.

Don’t give her low fat stuff. Kids need fat and often low fat stuff is full of crap.