My sons deadbeat dad has contacted me for the first time since I was a few months pregnant

[Gracexoxo]

He has never wanted anything to do with my child since I was 3 months pregnant (child is now 2.5) when he was constantly asking me to get an abortion/he did not want to be involved if I chose to keep the baby. He has never paid any child support, is not on the birth cert and I have never heard from him/or his family since, until today. I have no idea what to do for the best for my child? Worried he will grow up and hate me for not trying to give him the chance to know his father? But also what if he comes back and is then inconsistent or walks away again, I’m worried this will harm my son more. I’m also worried something like a new relationship has triggered this sudden interest and he may just want to impress a new girlfriend, or I know a few of his close friends have had children in the past few years/are due children in the near future, obviously this is all just speculation though but it does seem out of the blue so feel like there must be some explanation for it, or maybe he is completely genuine who knows

Is it reasonable to say to him (if I do reply) that I was to establish good communication and start to rebuild some trust back between us before involving the child, as I want to know he’s genuine about this, before he meets my child.

This is the message he sent
Hello, it really shouldn't have taken me this long to message as it's all l've been thinking about.
Looking back I clearly wasn't man enough or mature enough to handle the consequences of my own actions, I let negative emotions get in the way when I should have been thinking about the bigger picture. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. I'm hoping you'll give me the chance to prove I can be a good dad. If you don't want to reply or speak to me I understand. If you'd be open to having a chat or even just hearing me out that would be much appreciated. Take all the time you need.

Well it is his child too so unfortunatley unless there is serious issues & something legal stopping anything then yes him allowing access to start may be best

but as usual with these issues maybe seek legal advice

This is a difficult one. I was in this position years ago and my adult son now has nothing to do with his deadbeat dad but it was finally his choice (he cut off contact in his teens) and because of this I’ve not had any of the repercussions you mention.
I think you need to go with our instincts here. Meet with him alone by all means and get a read of the guy. Only then decide.

I’d probably meet him (without child) to hear what his life is like now, why he’s been absent for years and what’s prompted the sudden interest in seeing his son?

Then take a view on what’s best for your son.

Do a cms claim as well - but separate to any decisions about contact -that’s money that would benefit your son, even if you don’t need it you can pop it in a children’s isa for him when he’s older.

Always take someone with you and meet in a public place.
I would seek legal advice and have all communication be polite and through your lawyer.

Understand your rights, responsibilities and risks.
The person is a stranger so I would not allow any unsupervised visits before your son is old enough to verbally articulate, at maybe 6 years old.
If a trusting relationship eventuated, it would be a positive outcome.
Is he a respectful person?

It sounds like a polite, respectful message to me so I would be willing to meet for coffee without the child

A nice message. Meet just him and trust your instincts. Ask him about the money he morally owes. Good luck!

I would meet him alone and hear him out and use your instincts. If you’re still not convinced, then don’t let him in any further.

I'd want to see consistent payments before any contact took place.

In fairness, that's a damn good message he sent. I'd meet and see how deep it goes.

The most important person is your son. I think you owe it to your DS to see if his Dad is capable of a decent relationship. If you didn't try and then as an adult he found out you block him he will be resentful and his anger would be directed at you.
The message is as good as it could be. Explain to your ex that you are willing to meet him to hear him out without your child and that if you did agree to meet your son it would be taken very slowly and that he would need to be reliable.

Give him the opportunity to talk. His behaviour has made you wary but as messages go that is not bad.
This is about your son and what is best for him. If contact is agreed then he will have to commit to being consistent. Payments can be part of the discussion but shouldn't be primary focus. Building the relationship, if that's what's agreed should be first.

Do you think children are pay per view?

It may be that your ex grew up and realised what a twat he has been or he's a very good liar. You aren't going to know which, until you meet him.

I would be inclined to seek some legal advice, before responding to your ex. At the moment he's not on your son's birth certificate, so he doesn't have parental responsibility. Without PR he has no say over anything medical/education etc with regards to your son.

You need to meet your ex in a public place, and have a chat. At this point he has zero access to your son. You need to see that he's serious about having long-term, consistent contact and he's willing to put his money where his mouth is! You need to make it absolutely clear that seeing your son inconsistently, until he becomes bored, isn't an option. I would actually opt for you being with your son and his Dad, for access time, until your son gets used to his Dad and understands that he's Daddy. At the moment he's a random stranger, nothing more, and you can't be expected to hand over your son for contact time, to someone he doesn't know.

It’s a bit “me,me me”. He hasn’t asked how the baby is, how you are, how you’ve managed. In fact it sounds a bit like the sort of letter someone attending AA orNA might send - did he have drink or drug issues? What’s made him contact you now?
I think I would reply, but be very wary. Maybe don’t agree to meet up straight away, and certainly not with the baby until you're more clear about his motives and ability to be consistent.

I would reply something along the lines of:

"You're right, you were immature and what you did was appalling. I am happy to facilitate a relationship between you and your son but I will need to be sure it's in his best interests first. You can start with setting up regular maintenance payments and then we can meet to discuss your plans and to see if you are mature enough to be nurturing and beneficial to his life. I won't just be opening my door up for you to quickly walk in and out of his life, you need to prove you are serious."

If he falls at the first hurdle, by refusing to pay for his child, then that tells you all you need to know.

I'd meet him, you name the time and the place. If you feel you need to, take someone with you for moral support. I'd go with a spirit of open mindedness. Tell him you are just listening that first meeting and won't be agreeing anything, you want to give it some thought. Find out why now? What was the catalyst for this change of heart?
Go from there.

What was he like before you got pregnant?

Do you think children fund themselves?

He wants to have a chance to prove he's a good dad. Part of being a good dad is providing for your children financially.

I wouldnt want this person in my child's life. He's already shown you both who is he. Best of luck OP.

Do you think children fund themselves?

He wants to have a chance to prove he's a good dad. Part of being a good dad is providing for your children financially.

I wouldnt want this person in my child's life. He's already shown you both who is he. Best of luck OP.

Does this sound like he wrote it?

I was sort of softening until the last line 'take all the time you need'. Like you require his permission to do that.

i wouldn't reply. At all

I think he’s worded it well and is a good starting point. I’d answer and say you’re willing to meet up or FaceTime but not with your child. I’d at least hear him out. People can change. He’d only get one chance though.

I’m not in the UK so I’m not sure of the legal situation…but if you say no can’t he pursue this (parental responsibility and contact) through the courts anyway?

child has a right to know who their dad is, no matter how deadbeat he is.

OP had sex with him so took the risk of getting pregnant and having a child with him

Obviously given his past behaviour you are right to be skeptical. That is a good message but Chat GPT can write good messages but if it honestly conveys how he feels this could be a positive thing in yours and your son’s life. (By yours I mean having someone else who potentially will love your son as a parent should is a positive for you)

I would meet and have a discussion to build up trust for you first and take it from there.

No, adults have that right. Allowing a child to be damaged by a deadbeat would be stupid.