My sons deadbeat dad has contacted me for the first time since I was a few months pregnant

[Gracexoxo]

He has never wanted anything to do with my child since I was 3 months pregnant (child is now 2.5) when he was constantly asking me to get an abortion/he did not want to be involved if I chose to keep the baby. He has never paid any child support, is not on the birth cert and I have never heard from him/or his family since, until today. I have no idea what to do for the best for my child? Worried he will grow up and hate me for not trying to give him the chance to know his father? But also what if he comes back and is then inconsistent or walks away again, I’m worried this will harm my son more. I’m also worried something like a new relationship has triggered this sudden interest and he may just want to impress a new girlfriend, or I know a few of his close friends have had children in the past few years/are due children in the near future, obviously this is all just speculation though but it does seem out of the blue so feel like there must be some explanation for it, or maybe he is completely genuine who knows

Is it reasonable to say to him (if I do reply) that I was to establish good communication and start to rebuild some trust back between us before involving the child, as I want to know he’s genuine about this, before he meets my child.

This is the message he sent
Hello, it really shouldn't have taken me this long to message as it's all l've been thinking about.
Looking back I clearly wasn't man enough or mature enough to handle the consequences of my own actions, I let negative emotions get in the way when I should have been thinking about the bigger picture. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. I'm hoping you'll give me the chance to prove I can be a good dad. If you don't want to reply or speak to me I understand. If you'd be open to having a chat or even just hearing me out that would be much appreciated. Take all the time you need.

At least it might prove he's serious about it. Providing for your child regardless of whether you see them shows commitment and good intention.
Plus he is legally obliged to pay CMS.

From what you know of him is that message him or ai assisted - that was my immediate thought

It does sound like quite a mature message full of self reflection. The choice is yours but boys need a strong male role model and you can decide if this man is it . On a practical note a good dad to split parenting and financial duties has to be a positive . I also think your son will throw it back at you if you don’t explore the options with his dad . Take it slowly and see if he will step up permanently.

It is a good message. I agree the right approach is to meet him one on one for a chat, find out his situation and get a sense of his sincerity.

As someone else alluded to, see how much he asks about his son or whether the conversation is all about him. Get an idea of his expectations, if any, and go in with clear boundaries about how you will manage contact etc.

Would also be interested to know if he's told his family about the pregnancy, and if not how and when he will do so.

@Gracexoxo how old is the father?

The best would have been not to have a kid with a man who didn’t want to be a father.
OP and the dad have both been very selfish and immature.
Now, it’s doubts, rancour and mistrust all round, baked at the heart of this poor child’s story.

That was my thought too.

If he wants to be a good Dad he can start with supporting bis child financially and go slowly from there?

Legally, can you ignore? I am not saying you can as I genuinely do not know. Can you get some legal advice? If you can, I think it comes down to your gut feeling of giving him a chance v block and ignore.

This. I wouldn't reply either.

He's been nowhere 2.5yrs plus 9mths. Hopeless.

I'd be looking to move house, change my life and start afresh.

He's a bum, really.

I’d meet him for a chat and see what he proposes. A truly good dad who wants to be part of his child’s life would immediately suggest beginning regular financial contributions and suggest a slow build up ie supervised visits first and being introduced by first name to begin with rather than dad. And they would stick to any agreed schedule.

Just remember that even if he flakes at some point, that you can’t control that and that you are doing your absolute best for DS

That's all very well, but I think she owes it to her son to check him out. It could do untold damage to their relationship in the future if her son tracks his father down and finds out he tried to make things right and was ignored.

OP can't ignore him, imagine being a teenager or young adult, finding your father and discovering he admitted he'd been an idiot over your birth and had tried to get in touch and become involved when you were a toddler but Mum had blocked him.

OP will have to meet him and find out what he thinks being a good Dad looks like. I think she is absolutely right to want to build trust with him before he meets the child, and one way or another he does need to support his child financially. That's not pay per view, that's being a parent.

His message is about what he wants, he doesn’t really mention your child or even an apology! If he is genuine thrn à real father will contact again and won’t give up jist because you haven’t replied. You will get the truth if you don’t reply… eant and see if he attempts to contact again. Personally I think you’re correct about him being in a relationship and probably his new partner is behind this sudden change of heart!

He can start by paying child support. Then meeting you. I don't think I would be introducing him to my son for a good while. Not until a) I can see he has changed for the positive and b) am sure he won't disappear again

Given how reluctant most men are to ever admit they displayed poor judgement, I find that message a very sensible first step, and something of an olive branch. Good luck.

I think its a good message to open a conversation, it acknowledges responsibility and past faults and isn't immediately requesting access or anything else. I think setting up tests like seeing if he tries again or else he's not a real father are futile and not helpful to their son.

Meet him for coffee in a public place. Don’t say much , just listen. Don’t agree anything about your child until you’ve had time to think. Don’t give him any photos of your child,

Then come back here and get more advice.

The usual thing would be to arrange a regular very short meeting with the three of you . So say once a fortnight for an hour in a local busy park . Do that for about 6 months and see how it goes.

Make all plans by email ( NOT TEXT ) and keep copies of everything. Be EXTREMELY polite and factual in these emails . Imagine then being read out in court . Talk about NOTHING except your child’s welfare now.

Don’t let you son out your sight. Tell your ex no photos to be taken. No one else to be there eg GF. Remember he has ZERO legal rights to insist on anything

After 6 months of that you will see how genuine he is.

If he cares about his child then he will manage 12 hours of his life to show he is genuine and can be a regular in his child’s life .

In the meantime apply for child maintenance

I actually wouldn’t mention child maintenance at this stage but meet with him. It would say an awful lot more if he offered it during the meeting or shortly afterwards than you asking for it. That to me would show more responsibility and maturity. If you meet with him I assume this will be soon so you’ll know soon enough. I’d say definitely meet with him if you feel able and see how you feel take it from there. His message does sound like he may have changed but only you will be able to be more sure on meeting.

This is more or less what I would do.

The request for money could be very revealing of his true feelings and make him run a mile. Then you won't have wasted any more time on him.

One thing to bare in mind. If he has a mind to. There's nothing stopping him chasing contact legally. If you prevented contact he would have to prove his parentage and get himself on the birth certificate which would give him a lot of power to disrupt your lives in the future.

It might be the more strategic decision to gently and very slowly give him some minimal contact eg. A couple of hours a week with you at soft play or similar. This way if he turns out to be a shit you can still withdraw contact. He could still do the above if course but you would know that you had done all you could and been reasonable.

OP has not been selfish and immatire. She has been there for her child and funded everything. The opposite to selfish and immature.

This.

I think that AI has worded it well. Regardless his intentions may be positive. I would be wanting him to demonstrate that this interest is long term.

If you want to talk to him this can be done via video call. No need to meet him and drink ciffee its not a date.
If the only risk is him walking out of your childs life then he should have the chance to meet your child.

That’s basically what I said. Meet him without the child and hear what his intentions are.