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My daughter said '****'s daddy did it' and now Im scared and dont know what to do

227 replies

clothears · 24/06/2008 21:24

My mum was looking after my daughter today and thought she saw blood on her pants (it wasnt), she asked my DD how it happened. DD replied ''s daddy did it'. My mum asked what happened and DD said ' wont be my best friend anymore' I have had the same coversation with her. She is only 3.5 yrs old. Im worried. What do I do? My friends partner did look after her last thursday night while I went out. She has been moody since then and I thought nothing of it. I have had thrush and she has been saying she is sore, so I assumed she may have caught thrush from me but its easing and there has been no blood and she isnt sore.
Please help.....

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
getmeouttahere · 25/06/2008 21:08

So do I, of course Crush.

soph28 · 25/06/2008 21:08

Exactly Orangehead!

Getmeouttahere- again that's what I think. I don't know any 3yo that would make that kind of thing up. My 3yo doesn't understand that someone would not be his friend so he would only say that if someone said it to him. It wouldn't occur to him to say to someone 'I won't be your friend if...'

issyissyissy · 25/06/2008 21:11

I would certainly get some advice from someone professional. Having recently been on a study day about child abuse and how to protect the children within school, I was shocked to learn that about 80% of cases children are abused by a friend or family member. This case may come to nothing and simply be kids stories, but surely it is better to be safe. I would be horrified if it was my child and I did nothing only to find out years later that it was true.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

orangehead · 25/06/2008 21:12

Yes 3.5 year old dont typically have these thought processes. But it is a typical thing that abusers say to children to scare them into being quiet and children this age typically repeat things said to them. I am not saying that that means this was said to her in a abuse situation it could be innocent but also possible it was. It doesnt matter if this adds up, often cases are more complex than people realise, what does matter is that a concern has been raised.

itati · 25/06/2008 21:13

I hope the poor love and her mum are okay.

EBenes · 25/06/2008 21:13

"I don't believe a 3.5 yr old says things like "X won't be my friend if I tell". They don't have those thought processes at this age."

I guess the worry is that the man, if something bad had happened, had said this to her: don't tell anyone or...

not that she had come up with that sophisticated betrayal thought process. Hope things have turned out to be innocent, what an awful situation to be in.

CrushWithEyeliner · 25/06/2008 21:14

Thank God she is following her instincts and not just brushing it off. It must be so tough for her.

BooshBaby · 25/06/2008 21:15

Agree eyeliner - it would be very hard to know what to do in those circumstances.

soph28 · 25/06/2008 21:17

I think that's exactly what myself and getmeouttahere are saying, hence why it IS A CAUSE FOR CONCERN. It is not natural for a 3yo to come up with that by themselves so it is likely that someone has said it to her.

In fact this is the main reason why it is worrying.

nappyaddict · 25/06/2008 21:21

hope it all turns out to be nothing.

BooshBaby · 25/06/2008 21:22

I don't know.. my DS is also 3.5 and when I give him a row, he sulks, and if comeone asks what is wrong he says 'mummy is not my friend anymore'. After a little while, we will 'make up' and be 'friends' again. So I do think 3yo's can process that information.

I would also point out that 3yo's can change from one topic of conversation to another in one sentence. It could well be that she was referring to two completely unrelated events. Friends daddy taking her to toilet, and friend not being friend any more, could be completely unrelated. I know my DS does this. Can be confusing (not to mention annoying)

However, I will stand by the fact that I think this may be blown out of proportion. What I personally would have assumed was that the daddy took her to the toilet at some point while babysitting. Totally innocent.

And you know what? I hope to god I am right.

AnyFuleKno · 25/06/2008 21:27

hatrick if you meant me I haven't namechanged.

I agree with you that the op should investigate of course.

I just worry that some of the content of this thread could be in danger of being inflammatory and speculative, such as thisfrom Sohp28 :

"So the little girl's thoughts went something like this-
granny says there is blood on my pants
pain=blood
x's daddy did it"

That is speculating on the chain of events which noone knows of course, at least on this thread.

Bumperlicious · 25/06/2008 21:28

The DD has been saying she is sore, that is why the op was worrying.

Hope it all turns out for the best.

orangehead · 25/06/2008 21:30

If I am wrong I apologize getmeoutofhere, but it doesnt sound like you too concerned more stating that it doesnt add and wanting points clarified. But maybe I have read it wrong. Getmeout did also post that op should be updating us and it silly, this doesnt sound very supportive of what op going through. If I have got the wrong end of the stick I apologize inadvance

orangehead · 25/06/2008 21:34

No not uncommon to say x isnt my friend, but most ime dont say I cant tell or x wont be my friend (or words to that effect). But I hope you right to boosh

KnickersOnMaHead · 25/06/2008 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

soph28 · 25/06/2008 21:42

AnyFuleKno- yes I was speculating on the girl's thoughts because some people were questionning why there was a cause for concern and why the blood/pen on pants was relevant. There is a cause for concern for several reasons and one is that. It was also because someone was suggesting that Hatrick had inferred that the man had hurt the girl but she was just saying that the girl knew that pain = blood through normal life experience. Anyway it isn't much of a speculation because the granny did say there was blood on the pants and the girl did say 'x's daddy did it'.

I HOPE IT IS NOTHING AND I AGREE THAT IT PROBABLY IS NOTHING. Children say all kinds of things and it is impossible to know why they do and say these things.

The point is the OP can't ignore it.

TheMagnificent7 · 25/06/2008 21:58

Firstly, clothears, my wishes are with you that this is just nothing at all.

Have to say that some of the advice is superb, namely get a professional that is trained to do this to help (FYI Barnardo's has the highest proportion of trained children and family social workers in the country), and also to get medical advice as soon as possible in case there is a need for rapid care or evidence gathering in the unlikely event there is anything to gather. Personally I hold little trust in police investigation first, and would trust a profession that's primary purpose is child welfare or healthcare first.

But, this chap has not been asked what happened. His partner has not been asked what happened. The child is apparently not injured but has been spoken to probably by him about something relating to some pen, and it's sounds just as possible that the girl maight have drawn on something else and been told off for it. I've read, and re-read the original message, and it does not say that he told her that xx wouldn't be her friend any more IF SHE TOLD ANYONE. That piece of damning evidence was introduced into this feed by SOPH28, not clothears. Shortly followed by butterflymcqueen being happy to send him into the baying hordes just on the off chance because it's better to be safe than sorry. And he COULD be innocent. In the UK it's the other way round. He is innocent until proved otherwise.

Please don't think that I'm not concerned, my instincts are to go silly with worry. But, and this is a big but, some of you are suggesting that a man with a daughter of his own be exposed as a paedophile on the off chance that a 3.5 year old child who spoke to her grandma who spoke to her mother who spoke to a thousand people on a website to get advice BEFORE contacting anyone in a situation to deal with it properly. That's almost as awful as what you think might have happened. Those of you that do have partners could test this out by asking them what they think, and how they'd feel if their child was snatched by social services on this sort of evidence.

I hope we are wrong in what we think, I think that should there be a case, then putting names on websites regarding it is particularly ill advised and would harm it. But, remember that a man with a child of his own, that in clothears own words she could believe it of him, is probably guilty of nothing, and the least you could do is ask.

getmeouttahere · 25/06/2008 22:07

You are not wrong Orangehead, but you did read me wrong in one big way.

It is not that I am not concerned. Who wouldn't be where a little girls welfare is being discussed?

My niggles with this are that a mans good name is potentially on the line here.

I think some of the earlier posts were rather hysterical, saying that his own child could be at risk. Huh?? IMHO, (and of course we can differ) that is a BIG leap from what I consider to be rather tenuous reasons to suspect child abuse.

I am not saying the OP should just ignore it. I am rather that this is even genuine. I hope it is all nothing, of course I do.

BooshBaby · 25/06/2008 22:13

Excellent post Magnificent7, that is exactly how I feel about this.

TheMagnificent7 · 25/06/2008 22:15

Sorry, re-read again and cothears does say that she can't tell because xx won't be her friend. That doesn't mean the man said it, but I'm still concerned like you all are.

But I'm with getmeouttahere, your crucifying someone without a scrap of evidence. Please don't. You don't get over these sort of allegations and there is no protection for anyone, unless anyone sticks his name on here, accuses him, and then he gets to sue your pants off of course

StealthPolarBear · 25/06/2008 22:26

I don't think anyone is doing that. Most people have said if there is anything to worry about then his own child may be at risk. Emphasis on if. Most posters are fully aware that to take to seriously has the potential to ruin an innocent man's life. To ignore it has the potential to ruin an inncoent child's life. There aren't any easy answers - I think the only answer is to trust 'the system' to get it right rather than burying seriously nagging doubts.

EBenes · 25/06/2008 22:29

His name is not on here. She's being advised to speak to professionals, not to give the man's name to professionals but so that she can get less emotional advice on the way to talk to a small child. I think she is already handling this responsibly. It's such a big deal that I think it would be wrong to ignore it, so what should she do? And all that this thread is, is asking what she should do, and being referred to people who know more. I don't think this is crucifying anyone BECAUSE it's anonymous, I think this is helping someone talk it through with people who are not as scared as she will be.

micci25 · 25/06/2008 22:33

sorry but wouldnt it be best for the op and the man if we just left this thread alone, instead of speculating on who maybe be right or wrong? since its a very sensative topic.

and just wait and see if the op wants to come back and tell us waht if anything did happen?

getmeouttahere · 25/06/2008 22:35

Join me here in the bunker Micci

I think you are right. This is not helping anybody.