Struggling with unsupportive grandparents while parenting a high needs toddler

[Landgirl91]

We are 30+ parents of a very high needs toddler. I have a full time workload but end up parenting on a Thursday + Friday on top as my partner is massively burnt out parenting solo. We are putting everything into making sure our child is happy and well-rounded whilst undoing a lot of generational 'stuff'.

Our respective parents are complex characters. They are a mixture of mental health needs and/or irresponsible. My mother is a product of abusive parenting, some traits of which she has inherited herself.
Thusly, our expectations of support were understandably quite low. However it seems they were not low enough.

Our expectations:
To listen and empathise occasionally when we are really struggling.
To leave some shopping or pick up a prescription for us on the rare occasions we have both been incredibly unwell.
To withhold judgement on our parenting choices. For context, my mother recently suggested I tell our son I love him less, to keep him on his toes. This was a way of blaming my unconditional love for his normal toddler boundary testing.

Both parents still expect to see us as long as it fits for them and we ensure our child is not a 'nuisance' in any way. Pretty tricky during a 3 course meal with a toddler!

I have started to feel angry, sad and let down by them and am struggling with the motivation to maintain a relationship. Mostly due to their exceptionally high expectations of us at our most depleted.

Can anyone relate and does anyone have any advice? Sadly, I don't think cutting them off is an option.

Don’t expect anything. You won’t be disappointed then.

What is your child's diagnosis?

It sounds sadly common. My advice is to step back and try to stop caring. Try to go ‘grey rock’ and don’t let anything bother you.

Three course meals are an absolute no. Just say ‘sorry that doesn’t work for us’ but we could meet you at an outdoor coffee shop with a park.

Definitely something I need to work on! I feel like that should work both ways though (there's a lot of expectations of me)

Most of the mothers of SEN children I knew, when DC were small, did not get a great deal of support from their parents. Their parents tended to think, all you need to do, is tell the child how to behave normally and it’s problem solved. Or, DC with SEN were left out by the whole extended family.

Don’t expect anything!

Your expectations are way too high. Sorry.
You do you and your family. Don't rely on your parents. It's easier that way.

Don't expect anything. Disengage and only see them when it works for you.

They sound really shitty and I'm sorry you both have to put up with it whilst parenting a Sen toddler. My toddler is also sen but my parents both live too far away to provide any help anyway. My dad used to be quite crap at dealing with my little ones behaviour until I had it out with him that my little one isn't the same as your usual toddler so he won't respond to certain things the way a child usually will. I did end up crying in that conversation but it at least showed my dad that I was already having a hard time and his judginess about my parenting was making it worse. Have you actually tried to explain to them just how hard it is and that your child isn't going to respond the same as a typical toddler. Solidarity, I know how difficult it can be😊

When you have a child you need to do it on the basis that you will be looking after them. Help from grandparents is a lovely bonus if it is given, not an expectation.

Depending on how far away they live expecting them to do shopping for you and get prescriptions isn’t the norm.

my mum lives a 4 hour drive away. One of us would have to actually be dead for her to come down

"my mother recently suggested I tell our son I love him less, to keep him on his toes"
WTF???
These aren't the people to support you. You need to recognise and make peace with the fact that they are not the people who can be of any use to you or your DC.
Me and DH have been doing it solo for 17 years, it gets easier. It used to be painful seeing friends who DC had close relationships with their grandparents and they had support on tap. But we got through it and did a very good job alone, a much better job than our parents did.

Are you saying your partner doesn’t work and you have your child Thursday and Friday because your non working partner needs a break?

Maybe you need to be too busy with dc to see your dps..

Maybe you need to be too busy with dc to see your dps..

Just focus on you and your child. Honestly it won’t improve. Been there, done that. You’ll end up upset and losing out. You’ll beg for attention and it will be drip fed to you to keep you hanging. You will never win.

Im guessing ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ has hit your radar before? If not well worth a look at.

Despite the suboptimal grandparents (to say the least)…it sounds like things are unnecessarily very hard for you and your partner. Who is working what hours and where is your toddler during these hours? Is toddler in childcare?

What do you mean by a high needs toddler?

I wouldn’t expect anything from them. Try and get some regular paid childcare though

I would clearly explain - maybe by text do they can refer back- what challenges parenting a high needs child present.
It may seem obvious to you, but a relative who isn't there to see the relentless demands could instead see a child with poorly defined behaviour.
Explain that formal meals are not currently an option because ... Ask if it is possible for DM to do a supermarket run once a month as that will ensure... etc.
Grandparents are not mind readers, also they come from a different generation where 'high needs' could be labelled 'naughty'.
If your simple explanations make no difference, then be justified in keeping a distance. If this distance causes upset, refer them back to the clearly defined issues.
Expectations work both ways. Communication is the way forward but I'm very aware grandparents don't always listen.
Your DC, your partner and you are the priority here.

We have never had expectations of them to ever care for, watch or childmind our child. We do expect a little grace and a listening ear from them once in a while.

Apologies I wasn't clear, absolutely not routinely doing shopping no. I was referring to an occasion where both myself and my husband were on antibiotics and were dreadfully unwell. His folks live 25mins away.

Sounds as if your parents are additional toddlers, you really do need to build your own village of support and kind nice people around you and your children

Did you have that before you had children honestly?
I remember being suicidal and wailing down the phone to my parents. I learnt very quickly that they were not going to be of any support no matter how dire the scenario.
If they weren’t good before they’re never gonna step up afterwards, unfortunately

No diagnosis as still very young. We use the term high needs as an umbrella term for a very intense temperament plus some behavioural/sensory challenges that may or may not resolve/result in a diagnosis.

Good question. I never had that relationship from my father. It was patchy with my mother, depending on her own mental health. I'm sorry you've had to learn not to expect emotional support! I suppose there is a strength in that true independence.

I spent the first two chapters crying haha! My child goes to nursery Mon, Tues, weds and my partner has him Thursday and Friday as he works PT. We rely on my wage. I don't have an office and work from home in a job with demanding KPI's. I did start trying to work in cafes so I don't get 'drawn in' to helping at home but I fell very very guilty (like I was avoiding responsibility/my own family). We've never used a babysitter as our child doesn't settle and would be distressed with anyone else but I do wonder whether we should push through this for a bit of respite.