Struggling with unsupportive grandparents while parenting a high needs toddler

[Landgirl91]

We are 30+ parents of a very high needs toddler. I have a full time workload but end up parenting on a Thursday + Friday on top as my partner is massively burnt out parenting solo. We are putting everything into making sure our child is happy and well-rounded whilst undoing a lot of generational 'stuff'.

Our respective parents are complex characters. They are a mixture of mental health needs and/or irresponsible. My mother is a product of abusive parenting, some traits of which she has inherited herself.
Thusly, our expectations of support were understandably quite low. However it seems they were not low enough.

Our expectations:
To listen and empathise occasionally when we are really struggling.
To leave some shopping or pick up a prescription for us on the rare occasions we have both been incredibly unwell.
To withhold judgement on our parenting choices. For context, my mother recently suggested I tell our son I love him less, to keep him on his toes. This was a way of blaming my unconditional love for his normal toddler boundary testing.

Both parents still expect to see us as long as it fits for them and we ensure our child is not a 'nuisance' in any way. Pretty tricky during a 3 course meal with a toddler!

I have started to feel angry, sad and let down by them and am struggling with the motivation to maintain a relationship. Mostly due to their exceptionally high expectations of us at our most depleted.

Can anyone relate and does anyone have any advice? Sadly, I don't think cutting them off is an option.

Totally agree @Striveforcompetence, great post 👏

@Ladybyrd I used to see more of my DM with my DDs because we lived quite close. My Dsis with dc lived 2.5 hours away and didn’t drive so I facilitated visits. My dc undoubtedly saw more of their grandma but that is inevitable when people are spread out around the country.

What I ended up disliking intensely was the cousins mocked their grandma when they were together in my house. Sniggering, rolling eyes and generally laughing at what their grandma said. Old age isn’t always easy to understand but this was plain rude and not corrected. My Dc had manners and accepted grandma sometimes came up with some slightly odd comments but there’s a way of responding that’s not laughing and mocking. I’m not saying your dc would do this but your nephew does have a close relationship with his grandad and could you not have waited until they got back or spoken to your parents in advance?

It doesn’t sound like your partner is coping, I’d go for full time nursery and he go full time at work

Probably expecting emotional support from parents who didn’t give you much emotional support before you had kids, is not realistic.

As for practical support, I might ask for that from parents found the corner but not otherwise. Pharmacies will deliver prescriptions for a small fee. Groceries can be ordered for delivery

I also think not everyone is equipped to offer emotional support! Certainly me and DH never had any. It’s how it was years ago. You were housed and fed and not much more. It’s only recently that parents have been expected to step into areas they have no idea about!

so hubby works 3 days a week, and has the toddler 2 days but he's burnt out doing all the solo parenting so you have to help Thursday and Friday?
when exactly is he child caring solo? is your child actually high needs or is your husband just failing to parent?

Thank you for all of your comments. Many of these have been incredibly helpful and reassuring, especially when sharing your own experiences.

Some of you pointed out that my original post was self-pitying and naval gazing. On reflection, I agree and I apologise for how objectionable and antagonising some of you found it. It was a particularly difficult evening for me and perhaps it was for you too.

I will not be reading any further comments but I would urge some members to be a little kinder to future posters on Mumsnet. It's so easy to be emboldened by the anonymity of the internet.

It is a shame that you’re not really interested in taking anything on board if it does totally align with your own view, as you’re not going to develop much by doing that.

The main response you’ve had about your child is to stop saying high needs when he sounds very dry much like a normal toddler. He is a normal toddler and you are a normal family. Trying to frame everything as high needs or special, and trying to make yourselves out as pioneers of parenting breaking generations of issues… all you’re doing is playing. And giving yourself far too many things to have a “woe is me” attitude over.

You have a normal toddler. You are a normal family. Everyone has their own things, and you need to realise that and accept thag parenting is hard work - no need for a high needs label. It’s just parenting. You’re not worse off than anyone else. Stop creating drama where there isn’t any. And please stop with the gentle parenting nonsense or your kid will be the problem child in school who has never heard the word no.

I think @Striveforcompetence ‘s posts has been some of the best on this thread, and has basically said that op’s child sounds like a normal toddler, so stop trying to medicalise or excuse his behaviour as ‘high needs’.

Because she’s so clearly about to raise a child who will have lots of problems in school because they’ve never been told no, their behaviour is excused due it “needs” that have never been seen by a professional and every time a teacher tries to talk to her and her husband about it, they’ll go away using victim language and feeling like they’ve been attacked and treated terribly and why oh why can’t anyone understand… when there is absolutely nothing wrong. They have a normal kid, it’s hard work and her husband clearly can’t be bothered with the actual work of parenting and would rather create labels to hand wave his failings away.

Anyone who has worked with kids has met parents like this, and they are exhausting. And they’re always the victims and impossible to deal with, so their kid’s behaviour goes unchecked. Oh so loved and oh so spoilt, and terribly behaved.

Given you’ve never met OP or her child there is no way you can say this. Nor do you know whether her kid has additional needs/ is particularly hard work. You obviously don’t like gentle parenting, nor really understand it as a concept (it’s not permissive parenting, there are plenty of boundaries). OP is having a hard time, she reached out for help and you’ve torn her apart for not liking the way she phrased things. Mumsnet is becoming a really toxic shit place for young mums to ask for help and your posts are an example of this.

No, strive was spot on. These terms like gentle parenting are a lot of nonsense.
You either parent your child or you dont. Its that simple. Children need love and boundaries and consistency. Not mumbo jumbo. Not labels.
Sometimes labelling a child is easier than parenting it. Parenting is bloody hard. You need to be switched on and focused. You need to realise the responsibility you have taken on and step up, and be the adult.
Kids are annoying and exhausting and full of beans. To the point you wonder if they'll ever learn, or behave or listen to you. But all that takes years, and maturity. Something a 3 year old doesn't have yet. So you plod on, teaching them right from wrong, teaching them to be kind to others and to have personal responsibility. And , hopefully, they will grow up to be decent human beings, because they've mirrored what they've seen at home.
Of course some children get labelled as they are diagnosed with something they need help with. And its hard figuring that out when they are small.
But the basics dont need labelled, they just need taught every day by parents who realise this and get on with it, without it being called anything as daft as gentle parenting.

I see the op has said shes not reading any further comments. So she's behaving like a 3 Yr old, sticking her fingers in her ears and refusing to listen to anything she doesn't like.
Is that what gentle parenting is, behaving worse than your kid because its easier for you?
As Jim Royale would say, "gentle my arse"

Perfectly said. There’s no need for all the navel gazing and psychology speak.

@Cornflakes44i saw nothing harsh in @Striveforcompetencecomments. She gave very measured responses, just speaking common sense. Sometimes that’s not easy to hear, but if it’s true it needs to be said. There was no pussyfooting around, but equally there was no nastiness.

I don't think it's helpful to imagine having better parents. Unfortunately you can't change them (though I'd only offer them the same level of support and empathy that they offer you).

Toddlers can be really challenging, and some are definitely more demanding than others. I have two DC, interestingly it's my child without any diagnosed SEN that has been harder to manage. He sounds similar to your son (fearless, endless energy, big melt downs). I've found that getting out every day really helps.

I know you say that your DH doesn't like baby groups, but what else does he do with him? My youngest is impossible to manage in the house if he hasn't had the opportunity to run wild in a park or soft play first. He just needs that physical outlet. If you're DH isn't already doing so, I'd recommend starting each day with something really physical outside of the house.

At home, you can use different techniques to meet his sensory needs and help him regulate. Tug of war, games were you roll him up in a blanket (we pretend he's a caterpillar going in a cacoon), jumping, carrying heavy (for him) toys or boxes are all things that I've found useful... there is a technical term for this kind of thing but it escapes me at the minute!

I’ve not seen anything harsh in Strice’s comments either. She’s just given an alternative point of view, and has given constructive advice. It may not align with op’s interpretation of events but this is a discussion forum.

No, no one has met op or her child, and the family are clearly struggling and need some help, and all Strive and others have advise is to approach from a different angle.

It sounds like your parents are never going to be what you want them to be, that even if they became more supportive it wouldn't fit what you need, they don't have it in them.

However, it does sound like you are making things as hard for yourself as possible and maybe lack a bit of perspective. Your child sounds normal for his age, your partner needs to step up more and is probably contributing to how your child is, if he isn't taking him out of routine to do new things. All easily fixed and nothing to do with your parents.

I was originally going to reply with ideas from a friend with a genuinely high needs child, feeding tube, trachiotomy etc. I don't think you should be throwing around terms like burnout and high needs for a child that's a little bit harder than you expected and a DH stuck in a rut, you'll not get the sympathy. If you are honest that you are struggling, that's ok, you don't need to pathologise it to get people to listen. It's called the terrible twos for a reason after all.

Summary: sounds like a DH problem, not a child or parents problem.

Bear some people are stricter from day dot and do expect more obedience and it will increasingly bear fruit as children get older.

You say you've tried being more authoritarian & it "made it worse" but realise that our course a child not used to firmer parenting will instinctively resist and put up a fight, thats standard, you have to persevere through & be consistent. You're in charge.

Most toddlers are inherently wilful, selfish, disobedient, prone to tantrums etc, its our job as parents to socially condition some of these traits out!

OP I'll be honest, you almost lost me at the "we are processing a lot of generational stuff".
It is easy to blame your parents but in all honesty most parents aren't perfect but did try their best.
Focus on being the best parent you can be to your own DC instead of blaming your own parents. People are very quick to go "NC" these days and actually your DC might be able to form a much better relationship with your parents one day.

Not sure I agree with the advice about cutting out someone who recommended saying "I love you" fewer times, without a lot more context.
Maybe OP is saying "I love you" as a stock reply to everything or even as a sort of plea?.
Eg, "Stop hitting me, I love you".
If the kid is hearing "I love you" 40 times a day it is going to become meaningless and almost a bit "me doth protest too much".

I'm a parent of ASD and NT kids and honestly they all need firm, clear boundaries and consistent parenting much more than they need a stock "I love you" response to everything.

IME, I'd recommend maintaining family links as much as possible but on your terms. Meet at parks or low demand environments rather than a three course dinner.
Get out somewhere with the child every day for a long walk or a swim.
Establish a routine, if your DC does turn out to be ND a routine is absolutely invaluable.

Stop comparing your child to others. So he's got a lot more energy than other kids? Harness that by getting him into mini sports, dance or gymnastics. It teaches them to hear instructions from other adults and gets you used to hearing other adults giving him instructions.

Life sounds quite fraught at the moment.
What nice things do you want to do? For you?
You have needs too.
A day at the beach? Just do it.
Painting a picture? Just set it up, DC can do it alongside you.
Baking? Again just do it, let them help, who cares about the mess.
Gym? Stick DC in the crèche and go enjoy it.

Finally if DC does have ASD or ADHD, it is far more likely that their parents and grandparents may also be ND so remember to factor that in if you continue examining your own childhood, (although to be honest, I think I'd let that go and focus on the here and now).

Also to reassure you op, your DS sounds very normal. Many energetic kids this age absolutely do not want be sat placidly and are "bolters", both mine were! My DS was very similar and is now a well behaved 9 year old who plays lots of sport & does well in school.

Also the "I love you" thing jumped out at me as a possible sign you are maybe into gentle parenting? Is there a lot of "i love you but i don't love this behaviour" etc.

This - strice has the nail on the head imo.

I hope OP reads on because @JacknDiane and @ToffeeCrabApple have nailed it.