Struggling with unsupportive grandparents while parenting a high needs toddler

[Landgirl91]

We are 30+ parents of a very high needs toddler. I have a full time workload but end up parenting on a Thursday + Friday on top as my partner is massively burnt out parenting solo. We are putting everything into making sure our child is happy and well-rounded whilst undoing a lot of generational 'stuff'.

Our respective parents are complex characters. They are a mixture of mental health needs and/or irresponsible. My mother is a product of abusive parenting, some traits of which she has inherited herself.
Thusly, our expectations of support were understandably quite low. However it seems they were not low enough.

Our expectations:
To listen and empathise occasionally when we are really struggling.
To leave some shopping or pick up a prescription for us on the rare occasions we have both been incredibly unwell.
To withhold judgement on our parenting choices. For context, my mother recently suggested I tell our son I love him less, to keep him on his toes. This was a way of blaming my unconditional love for his normal toddler boundary testing.

Both parents still expect to see us as long as it fits for them and we ensure our child is not a 'nuisance' in any way. Pretty tricky during a 3 course meal with a toddler!

I have started to feel angry, sad and let down by them and am struggling with the motivation to maintain a relationship. Mostly due to their exceptionally high expectations of us at our most depleted.

Can anyone relate and does anyone have any advice? Sadly, I don't think cutting them off is an option.

The set up on a Thursday/Friday isn’t working at all. If your DH is struggling I think your toddler should go to nursery for an extra half day or a day. If toddler is at home when you are working, you need to completely detach yourself from childcare: preferably out of the house but if not in an office with a door you can lock. Trying to both do childcare and work is a recipe for stress.

So your toddler is in nursery 3 days a week, your partner can’t manage him for two days without your help, and you both have the weekend off.
Sounds pretty usual to me.

Maybe you need to rethink your working week.

If your dp can’t cope with being a SAHP , then maybe he should also work ft, and put your child in nursery longer.

Regarding your parents, they could have been more supportive when you were ill, and/ or providing a listening ear.

You could have used online shopping to get some shopping.

You are so right.

You should cut contact with anyone who says you should tell your toddler you love him less to keep him on his toes. Your child will eventually be old enough to understand what this person is saying. I am saying this as someone who doesn't have contact with either parent.

That's what it sounds like to me as well. 🙄

I have come close many times and have been pretty repulsed by much of my mother's parenting advice. However, in moments of reflection, I can appreciate that my parents are both damaged from their upbringings and have been deprived of any kind of blueprint for parenting. I understand that I might have to grow some balls in the future and limit contact if their interactions with my child become problematic. I salute you for making that tough decision!

Not sure why you feel guilty about needing to work in working hours. I mean illness and emergencies, sure - everyone mucks in.

Your set up is identical to millions of couples up and down the country but with the sexes reversed. Are millions of dads relieving their partner on two work days when their partner isn't working?

No. Not they are not.

Every office in the land features at least one chap using work to dodge bed and bath time!

If my mum said that to me, I wouldn’t want her around my child more honestly.

I have a dad who offers very minimal support and I have a disabled child with very complex needs. I have just completely lowered any expectations to protect myself. It’s just me and DH and we manage. Our life is hard but it’s just our situation.

I’m sorry you feel unsupported.

Im sorry your parents aren’t supportive, you’re not expecting a lot but you’re wasting your time focussing on them, they’re not going to change and it would be perfectly reasonable for you to stop putting the effort in for them, expect nothing from them and don’t give them so much of yourself.

Your home working situation isn’t sustainable though. Can I clarify what “burnt out” looks like in this situation? He can’t do even one day without asking you to leave work to take over?

Im not saying this to be a cunt, but speaking from my own experience and growing with dysfunctional adults, I’ve seen the dynamo over and over repeated on my siblings where the dads gets stressed and impatient at the first sign of unwanted behaviour and the woke then have to take over because they want to avoid the man getting more stressed and the child picking up on it while looking for medical reasons as to why their life partner can’t be expected to care for their own children.

Is it your husband using the term “burnt out” to describe himself, or is it you? You don’t need to answer, I just wanted to ask in case it’s you using the term “burn out” to maybe sugar coat the fact that just like the rest of your family, you’ve also had to lower your expectations of your life partner his share of parenting .

Has he tried to access any help for this burnout? Does he acknowledge the immense pressure it puts on you and what does he plan to do to manage long term?

@NameChangedBecauseItsOuting I may interpreting it wrong, but are you asking whether dp is actually getting properly ‘burnt out’, or whether he is ‘panicking’ at the first sign of trouble, and therefore expecting op to take over.ie, is he experiencing normal parenting struggles? (Incidentally, op ,you refer to dp as ‘parenting “solo’’. Most mums/sahp do this).

Parenting is hard, very hard, and can be relentless and demoralising. I found going to toddler groups help, as you get to talk to other parents and/or do an activity with them. Is this an option for dp?

Yes that’s what I’m asking,I’m dyslexic and can muddle my words up a but yes, that’s what I was getting at, as well as him panicking at the first sign of trouble, Op could also be the one doing that due of how her own childhood affected her. If either of them grew with a shouty, snappy, sulky, angry and impatient and angry parents (but especially dads) she may feel stepping in reduces her partners physical and mental and emotional load, but if he’s not seeking support or making plans to, and this carries on long term, they runs the risk of creating a similar cycle where his mental and physical health from burnout impacts his ability to function as a parent.

Your balanced response is really helpful. So him being burnt out is based partly on my observation and partly on him asking things like 'are you going to be around today?' anxiously, like he needs me. If I were to say 'I'm out working all day' I can see his anxiety rise. This is what triggers my guilt. He's not making me feel bad and he's a wonderful, patient dad but it's just a lot, especially in this particular phase. I want to be a considerate partner and not leave him to struggle essentially.

I'd say yes, totally normal parenting struggles apart from that parenting our child is definitely harder than most (I absolutely wouldn't change him for the world) but I think it's important to acknowledge that it's really tough sometimes. When I was on mat leave I went to allll the baby classes and found them to be a haven. My husband does not like going to classes as he's a total introvert. I've signed him up to things and he's not gone.
I think I've just convinced him to go to a new one that requires minimal human interaction and I think that will really help - you're right!

Why isn't cutting them off an option? Would that make your life easier?

For context, my mother recently suggested I tell our son I love him less, to keep him on his toes.

What did I just read? That is all kinds of wrong and I'd struggle to trust my parents around my children if that was their view.

Op when you say high needs please can you explain in more detail?

toddlees are such hard work but if he’s your first how do you know he’s high needs?
has nursery said anything?

couldnit be that your husbands the one really struggling here and it’s putting pressure on you which makes it feel like fiddle is hard work?

whatever it is your set up isn’t working.

cam partner work full time and you work less?

when you have toddler on your day off without work distractions don’t find them high needs?

I could’ve written this a few months ago.
you need more boundaries, with dh too.
he can watch your child for 2 days a week, if he can’t he needs to go full time and put your child into childcare those two days so at least all the financial burden isn’t on you. If he’s requesting your help a lot you need to speak to him about the stress you’re feeling and decide together what support is realistic on those days. (Eg you’ll come help on your lunch hour), then stick to it. If he’s not requesting your help you need to figure out why you feel bad and why you’ve delegated yourself as both the breadwinner and primary carer and expect yourself to do both simultaneously when there is another adult present (I imagine because you’ve been trained to put other people’s needs first)

With your parents, stop agreeing to things that don’t work for you. I know it’s SO hard, and I’m speaking from experience. But you can say no a 3 course meal doesn’t work for our family right now, but we are going to the park to play on Saturday morning if you’d like to join us we’d love to see you (or obviously whatever does work for your family). They’re not bothered about accommodating you, they are happy setting their own boundaries, so you’re not BU to do the same.

You have to stop going to them for support, it’s hard and it’s disappointing and it’s so sad, but they can’t provide it, they don’t have capacity for that. It’s not fair, I was sad too, but you can’t make them support you even if they should, you can’t only control how you respond to them

Toddlers are all needy and very hard work, what is different about your child compared with others?
Are they easier to manage in a group, outdoors, when you are not distracted or tired?
What are the most difficult situations?
You say you have no expectations of help but what happens when you actually ask for help from your parents? Do they know you are struggling?

It sounds like you’re massively navel gazing. All this therapy speak… seems an exhausting way to live.

There have definitely been times where I thought I might have to but have ultimately decided against it. I don't think I would ever forgive myself if they died and we were estranged and I also feel a lot of empathy for their upbringings. I know it sounds odd to give them grace I'm sure they wouldn't give to me but ultimately I think the guilt would eat me up!

Yes of course. So we are using high needs as a term as we are trying not to label him at this point. He has always had strong emotions, he has sensory needs i.e gets very upset by noise and complains often that things are too loud, he absconds (this has been getting better) and currently struggles with biting and hitting (us not other kids). He struggles with anything out of his routine. Nursery are fantastic and we both work together to encourage his 'golden rules'. We have clear and loving boundaries.

Time will tell as to whether this is toddler behaviour and a particularly difficult phase but we will seek him further help if it doesn't subside!

On balance, I would rather use therapy speak than use the internet to be unkind to a stranger who is finding something tough - strikes me that action deserves therapy itself.

I've popped some examples in my response to humpty Dumpty fell off but I would say that he's comparing as much more challenging to manage than other kids his age. He had a birthday party recently and his friends were a lot more cautious, placid and didn't run off as much. Other parents expressed concern (kindly) for us. He's not unkind to other children though. He absolutely could be just a wonderfully spirited child. I don't want anyone to think that we are ungrateful, seeking fault or self- diagnosing. It is just very tiring and sometimes a little worrying.
It is really reassuring to hear that much of this can be normal and that we are not alone!
I have expressed to my parents that it is tough and they use it to criticise our parenting which they see as not authoritarian enough. The truth is, we have tried to be stricter and it definitely makes it worse and I don't want our child to feel scared of us.

This is incredibly helpful. How did you broach/enforce boundaries with yours? We're you explicit about it or did you retreat a bit??