Struggling with unsupportive grandparents while parenting a high needs toddler

[Landgirl91]

We are 30+ parents of a very high needs toddler. I have a full time workload but end up parenting on a Thursday + Friday on top as my partner is massively burnt out parenting solo. We are putting everything into making sure our child is happy and well-rounded whilst undoing a lot of generational 'stuff'.

Our respective parents are complex characters. They are a mixture of mental health needs and/or irresponsible. My mother is a product of abusive parenting, some traits of which she has inherited herself.
Thusly, our expectations of support were understandably quite low. However it seems they were not low enough.

Our expectations:
To listen and empathise occasionally when we are really struggling.
To leave some shopping or pick up a prescription for us on the rare occasions we have both been incredibly unwell.
To withhold judgement on our parenting choices. For context, my mother recently suggested I tell our son I love him less, to keep him on his toes. This was a way of blaming my unconditional love for his normal toddler boundary testing.

Both parents still expect to see us as long as it fits for them and we ensure our child is not a 'nuisance' in any way. Pretty tricky during a 3 course meal with a toddler!

I have started to feel angry, sad and let down by them and am struggling with the motivation to maintain a relationship. Mostly due to their exceptionally high expectations of us at our most depleted.

Can anyone relate and does anyone have any advice? Sadly, I don't think cutting them off is an option.

How old is he? He sounds pretty typical tbh. Some toddlers are more placid before entering the arsehole phase and some enter it early. He just sounds like he has lots of energy but if your DH isn’t taking him out he’s just going to be causing chaos at home. My DS preferred his balance bike, swimming, climbing, anything physical to anything more gentle like listening to stories and crafty stuff. He’s nearly 5 now and is interested in everything these days but he was hard work at toddler groups at age 2/3 as he’d just run off and went through a fun phase of screaming “NO!” at anyone that made eye contact with him. Your DH needs to take him out way more and just learn to cope. Or he needs to work full time. Toddlers are hard. There’s nothing wrong with putting him nursery full time if it’s going to work better for your family.

But if one of your parents has mental health needs as you say , maybe they cant be as understanding or supportive as you expect? Realistically you can’t just wish aware their mental health issues too

Completely agree.

I mean, going by your original post, it would, wouldn’t it.

True!

He's 2 and 2 months. I think it's definitely not helped that we are comparing him to a bunch of very placid compliant kids. One of the parents said that theirs just stays wherever they put him the other day and it blew my mind! Neither of us have had any experience with babies/toddlers at all and so we're flying blind here!

You think it's a normal, healthy thing to be a dick to people you don't know online, for kicks, then?

So what does a day look like for your toddler?

DGC is around the same age and definitely struggles more on days without set activities/routine. DGC is in nursery 2.5 days a week, I have them 1.5 days a week and mum is off on a Friday. Both DSIL and DD are off all weekend.
None of us are great fans of toddler activities and groups but DGC thrives on the interaction, burns off energy and isn’t cooped up so just running wild and making mess. DGC has swimming lessons, toddler group and a music & sensory class every week. They are taken to the park, soft play, play dates etc.

It has taken me years to realise that my parents are never going to be the grandparents I hoped they’d be.
they have never worked out that being a good parent to us at this age means being a good grandparent. They’ve not offered to babysit since before Covid. They never proactively suggest coming to see us. They always want us to visit them.
it makes me really sad, and now it looks like poor health is starting to curtail what they can do, so they’ve missed out on what could have been really special years of being more involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

i just tried to be cheery and keep it positive, I never said we had any issue to them or addressed it at all, there’s no point. I just started saying no to things that didn’t really work for me and offering specific things that did. I stopped asking for their advice or input and I started preparing myself for lack of support. I also readied myself with polite but firm responses to rudeness so I didn’t have to panic in the moment.
I stopped over explaining myself. I did at times ask myself what would they do in this situation? Eg would they say no to an activity that didn’t suit them, would they say sorry etc. sometimes I did what I had seen them do in the past, other times I found a midway point between what I would normally do and what they would normally do, that was probably a bit more balanced.
I have had varying degrees of success and often I feel guilty, or find myself falling into old people pleasing patterns without even thinking about it. it’s quite draining putting the boundaries in place, but I will say now I’m through the first few months it’s a lot less stressful than all the pandering I was doing before and I have more capacity for my dc. I hadn’t realised how much energy I was putting into them before.

Honestly, he’s still so young. None of the stuff you’ve mentioned strikes me as having additional needs (or even high needs) just a 2 year old with energy to burn.

Normal at this age to have sensory issues as well btw. They grow out of it.

And last thing to say is that my friend has a child that used to stay wherever she put him (and still does) but this child is now 4 and lacks confidence in doing anything independently and is under investigation for SEN so a placid toddler really isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Your partner needs a bit of a boot up the arse if he is only “solo parenting” 2 days a week, “high needs” child or not, and still needs you to help. Aside from that sack off the 3 course meals for them. If they want that they can go to a restaurant. Go low contact as best you can.

It all sounds very over dramatic. Your DH needs to either get a grip or get a job, quite frankly.

Your "high needs" toddler is still a baby. I wouldn't expect a baby to particularly enjoy an organised birthday party. If he really is high needs (I have a child who was much like you describe at that age) large groups of children arent going to be an ideal environment such as he might find in a busy nursery. Outdoor play, 1 to 1 with adults, stimulating interactions with small groups but with adult supervision, routines calm environment (perhaps your mother is onto something about bombarding him with interaction)
Enjoy him. On his terms. Boundaries don't come at the expense of common sense. If he keeps running off or biting it might be because he is overwhelmed and you need to change the situation he is running From or lashing out at, rather than just thinking it is a question of gentle guidance to behave better.
Instructions need to be very simple and intuitive- actions rather than endless words cajoling or explaining.

Toddlers are like this too but some children stay longer at THAT developmental stage.

Your parents aren't really important here but getting to grips with yourself as parents not as children will help. Stop thinking about them. Think about your own role - that's not navel gazing. Don't talk about "parenting" as if it is some therapeutic method...it's your daily life, enjoy it, live it

My parents were in another country and no help at all, not were DHS. We suffered (a bit) but learnt a lot on our own four feet

I’ve never met a toddler who stays in one place in my life! Can your husband get a pass to a local soft play, country park etc and take him to those each week? Take him swimming? Sign him up for baby gymnastics, football or rugby etc? Unless you live rurally there’s usually lots going on. Get into a bit of a pattern of getting out each morning and out of the house and away from you working. He’s so lucky to spend all that time with his son. I’d go mad spending two days in the house! It sounds like a lovely balance so he’s not in nursery full time.

Sounds like your parents are high needs too. You are surrounded by them. So I can quite see what the problem is. Family. They are what they are and you cannot choose them. They have their needs and you have yours but they are not the same. Perhaps they are tired and don't feel up to being grandparents? With mh issues, I’m not surprised. They are probably into self preservation!

I actually really feel for you because I think one of the things that leaps out is that you don't have anyone supporting YOU, if your husband is needing you to rescue him, the baby needs you to rescue him AND your parents are demanding the wrong kind of attention.
In this situation you really only have a duty to the baby. If your husband can't cope he should be asking himself how he can make his life with the baby easier. Naps? Outdoors? Baby groups? If he is an introvert( I was) prioritize play at home, routines naps preparing meals way in advance; and not going with the flow - unless that is child led going with the flow. You will all be happier when the day has a very simple predictable manageable structure

Expect nothing from your family and you can't be disappointed. My parents weren't available to help out and I never expected it. My child after all, and I was grown. From what you've written, it might be best to not have them too deeply involved (not telling a child you love them to keep them on their toes?!).

I think you also need to look at your expectations of yourself. What's this about a three course meal? Not necessary. One simple course will do just fine.

Your toddler needs to go to nursery if your DH can't buck up and parent alone for 2 half days.

I would distance myself from your parents. See them ocasionally, keep things cool and polite. You can't fix them, you need to take care of yourself. But there is a middle ground between your current level of contact/reliance and "no contact".

Across all your posts there is a really common theme of you managing other people’s emotions at the expense of your own. It’s classic behaviour from an emotionally neglected child. I would suggest therapy to work through it so you don’t feel so responsible for solving other people’s problems. If it helps most people would refuse activities with their parents that don’t work for their family. They would just say no and think no more of it. They would also let their husband get on with it on his days. He agreed to this set up, it’s on him to figure it out. And most toddlers are fussy about new people you just push through if you need childcare to work, you have no choice. I also think you might be reading too much into your child’s behaviour. They may be high needs or you may be overly sensitive to their feelings and behaviour. Your parents sound shit and you’re obviously a product of that upbringing but the only thing you can control now is your response.

You obviously have a strong moral code that doesn't allow you to cut contact with your difficult parents and in-laws.

Therefore, you need to be able to implement and uphold rock solid boundaries so that they are never rewarded for their cruel and poor behaviour. One of these boundaries is that they can't criticise your parenting. Another boundary should be that any meals out or outings with them must be suitable for your toddler. If they can't or won't do this, just decline the invitation.

I would reduce the time you spend with your parents and in-laws. No-one seems to enjoy the experience and they have no tolerance for your child's behaviour. That will make you more anxious when you are in their company so don't put yourself through it.

It doesn't sound as though your DH enjoys the two days when he looks after your toddler. He won't take him to toddler groups and he panics if you work away from the home. Would it be better if he worked full-time even though it would mean your child being in nursery/day care for five days a week?

Your parents are not going to be the parents you want which is a shame. it does seem that you and your husband do struggle with things do you have any other support, like who picked up your prescriptions when you were ill ?

I had never so much as held a baby when I had mine. There was no internet and I had no family with children, the whole process was a huge, huge shock to the system. I don't know what my expectations were but it wasn't the tsunami that small children bring.
I'd say that you were describing both of my DSs at that age. Two boys, two years apart. Life was chaos and lively for those early years. It became easier once the second child was a year old and they could play together.
Some children are placid and compliant. I remember people suggesting "colouring" as a way of getting some quiet time. Neither of my children would ever willingly engage in colouring.
What they actually needed and what worked was lots of physical stuff. They need " lunging" if you know the horsey term. Outdoors twice a day at least. Indoors lots of creative active play, if you're clever you can direct some from the sofa. Make up silly dance games.
Discipline was tricky. I think DH and I were uncomfortable with it and disliked confrontation so we practiced avoidance. It worked reasonably well but at nearly four the eldest was becoming harder to manage. A very good friend was brave enough to talk to me. She said the stricter boundaries and discipline would pay off long term. If he wouldn't accept no at four how were we going to manage at ten or fourteen. We switched things around significantly and changed our approach. It really paid off long term.
From about five onwards both DC were an absolute joy, albeit they still needed a lot of physical activity to let off steam.

A book I found really useful was ‘Toddler Taming’ . Gave me lots of good and practical advice for ‘The Terrible Twos’.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Toddler-Taming-Bestselling-Parenting/dp/0091902584

@Silverbirchleaf I had that book 25 years ago. Also "raising boys" by Steve Biddulph.