Struggling with unsupportive grandparents while parenting a high needs toddler

[Landgirl91]

We are 30+ parents of a very high needs toddler. I have a full time workload but end up parenting on a Thursday + Friday on top as my partner is massively burnt out parenting solo. We are putting everything into making sure our child is happy and well-rounded whilst undoing a lot of generational 'stuff'.

Our respective parents are complex characters. They are a mixture of mental health needs and/or irresponsible. My mother is a product of abusive parenting, some traits of which she has inherited herself.
Thusly, our expectations of support were understandably quite low. However it seems they were not low enough.

Our expectations:
To listen and empathise occasionally when we are really struggling.
To leave some shopping or pick up a prescription for us on the rare occasions we have both been incredibly unwell.
To withhold judgement on our parenting choices. For context, my mother recently suggested I tell our son I love him less, to keep him on his toes. This was a way of blaming my unconditional love for his normal toddler boundary testing.

Both parents still expect to see us as long as it fits for them and we ensure our child is not a 'nuisance' in any way. Pretty tricky during a 3 course meal with a toddler!

I have started to feel angry, sad and let down by them and am struggling with the motivation to maintain a relationship. Mostly due to their exceptionally high expectations of us at our most depleted.

Can anyone relate and does anyone have any advice? Sadly, I don't think cutting them off is an option.

It looks to me like you are currently having to parent your husband as well as your children. Does he gave any plans to grow up and become a fully functioning adult?

What this seems to boil down to is that you have a difficult toddler, you aren’t coping very well, and you’re miserable because you aren’t getting sympathy. Welcome to parenthood!

Have you ever read anything online about Boomer Grandparents?

There's a theory based on a very common issue a lot of parents are having, that the Baby Boomer generation just does not step up, very slopey shouldered and disengaged. Different to grandparents of a generation ago who wanted to be much more involved.

I see this in both sets of my children's Grandparents, they love their grandchildren but don't want to really do any of the running around and helping out.

My DH and I just say 'Boomers' now at all this. I'm sure there's something in this theory.

This. I get the gut feeling the apple doesn't fall far.

I think I’d get your dh back to work full time and put your ds into nursery full time - he likes it there and it will give both of you a break. Realistically he not cut out for doing solo parenting at this stage - why try pushing water up a hill?
My parents were guilty of coming out with some corkers with regards to parenting and discipline - I laughed it off - they never were left alone with my kids and I didn’t expect support of any kind.
The twos were hard, ds hit us too- that upset me a lot - I was eventually told to completely ignore this behaviour and that worked - amazingly fast! But he was a bit of a nightmare - he’s a lovely young man now…you’ll get there just use the cheats and don’t make life harder

Im also getting the toddler is bearing the brunt of all this intensity.

If your toddler is high needs they will find it difficult to look after him/her. I don't think you can expect them to as a right. However, I wouldnt go out my way to help if they need help.

It’s not easier for you to burn yourself out parenting and working so that your husband can avoid baby classes on his 2 days at home with the baby.

It sounds fairly normal unfortunately. I don't really know anyone who gets support with their children from family. My son was also a high needs baby and it was so hard trying to get someone to watch him for even a few minutes. My son settled down a lot once he was around 5 and he's the happiest most chilled child now so I hope the same happens for you.

@Bedheadbeachbum I’m 70 - am
I a boomer? My dc don’t have dc, but I’m not sure I’m capable of chasing around after a difficult toddler all day! Most people I know of my generation baby sit and, you might not have noticed, plenty have dc all day so their dc can work - unpaid! It’s a very unfair characterization! Many I know have put their needs and wants on hold. I won’t be going that far but I’m at least 1 hour from one dc and 1.5 hours from the other. They know I’m not a child care substitute and neither was my DM!

Go into the office or find a space to work you cannot be disturbed.
Your H needs to take the toddler out for part of the day every day too.

Honestly it sounds like normal toddler behaviour being over thought and over interpreted.

Why didn't you just use pharmacy or supermarket deliveries? I wouldn't ask anyone, apart from maybe a good friend or family member who lived very nearby, to pick up meds or groceries.

I wouldn't expect anything, including leaning on them verbally and emotionally. They've clearly shown themselves to be too selfish or disordered themselves to provide you with any support. Rely on people who you know you can rely on - friends, wider family, neighbours, etc.

And honestly, I would a) set clear boundaries around meals (no 3-course meals - state what works for you and if they don't want to do that, so be it) and b) I would quietly quit on them. You say not seeing them isn't an option (it is, but clearly you don't want to do that), so just don't initiate. Let them do the running. If they are no help and support to you, reciprocate in kind.

@Bedheadbeachbum What a massive bloody generalisation and absolutely unnecessary! As a boomer as you so eloquently describe my generation,I can only guess that you have your head underneath a rock!
The amount of jiggling around that we do ,as our friends do as well with their GC ,to accommodate looking after grandchildren is non stop!
We work around our daughters work commitments to help out regularly.
I regularly cancel or change shifts for unexpected child care problems ie even this morning I have cancelled a 12 hour shift on Friday because toddler now has chickenpox and both parents have to go into their workplace on Friday.
Last weekend had both grandchildren overnight so parents could have a break…it was 34c and tiring and exhausting looking after them both.
Try and not be so tunnel visioned about any generation,it’s offensive and an unhealthy way of thinking!

And there’s a fallacy that in the past that parents had constant helped from their parents (dc’s grandparents). I don’t recall this at all, either in my family or friends. In fact, I see more gp helping today routinely than in the past.

Are you gentle parenting? Your post really is very naval gazey, and really hammering into therapy speak and making yourselves special.

Your child isn’t high needs. I appreciate that have you never parented a really high needs disbaled child, but what you’re describing is a very normal toddler. Some are placid, some are crazy. But that’s not high needs. And it really comes across that you’ve fully bought into gentle parenting, particularly with your comment of undoing generational issues of bad parenting… the result of gentle parenting is quite often a child who is much more out of control than other children. It doesn’t make your child high needs - it just makes him a toddler who never as the word no enforced. And whose parents just gaze lovingly at all behaviour, while other parents put the work in to stamp out these behaviours.

Maybe your parents are all a bit fed up of being told how very wrong their parenting was, and how much better your lovey, gentle, never say no parenting is with a huge focus on labelling (randomly deciding he is high needs is labelling) and naval gazing about your own feelings.

You’re working parents - it is exhausting. I was a single parent to a 2 year old and a 6 week old. The fact that you can’t seem to cope with a child who sounds like a huge number of very normal toddlers, when there are two of you really does point to 2 adults who are maybe a little self involved, and maybe a bit too used to the “self care” lifestyle all over social media and you now have to live real life.

Your spouse needs to toughen up. You’ve both convinced yourself that you have it so much harder than anyone else and can’t possibly cope so he needs a break for a few days a week… no. He’s just a normal toddler and he needs to toughen up. And you both need to stop being so hippy dippy with therapy speak and diagnosis and just get stuck into the actual hard work of parenting, and learn to say no and discipline and hold those boundaries with your toddler so he learns.

You won’t get any support from them, you know that, so it’s sadly just something to live with. BUT yes it does go both ways. They expect to see you and for you to fit in with what they want - well they can’t necessarily have what they want. They might expect three course meals and for your child to be kept quiet, but you don’t have to give that to them. I understand you don’t want to cut them off, that’s drastic, but you can give them your time only when you want to, and conditional on them being civil and not making demands.

Lack of support is one thing, being deliberately nasty is another. Mother tells your child you love him less: “We’re leaving now mother, I’m not allowing you to say hurtful things like that to my child”. Your husband will need to back you up and you’ll have to be firm. She’s used to walking over you, your resistance will be a shock to her and she won’t like it. You might find it very hard. But unless you want her to treat you and your children like this forever - most likely escalating as they get older and find their own voices - you need to stand up to her now.

I think if most grandparents were capable of withholding judgement on the parenting choices of their DC, Mumsnet would be a much quieter place than it is! You have two basic choices, learn to ignore the judgement or reduce contact with your parents. At least make them do more of the legwork with maintaining contact and don't agree to situations that are obviously going to cause conflict (like 3 course meals!).

I agree with pp mentioning the 'gray rock' technique. Don't engage at all. It's what I use with my MIL who has absolutely no filter between brain and mouth.

Also stop comparing your DC to other people's DC. I've never met a genuinely 'low needs' toddler tbh. People whose DC seem more compliant than yours are generally either lying about what goes on behind closed doors, or are more laid back about toddler behaviour than you are.

I will say op that of my nct group, we’re in touch with 4 families still, and all 4 dc sit and read and colour, play quietly with their toys, they like caring for dolls and doing puzzles. Their parents can go off and the dc are fine with it, they’ll just sit and play until they come back, I’ve never seen them break anything, they sleep through the night, they don’t throw food at meal times. And my dd looks absolutely feral in comparison. But I think we’ve ended up with an unusual bunch that’s skewed my perception of 2 year olds. I wonder if that’s the case for you too, unless nursery are also highlighting concerns.

Try and find a parenting support group for your H. Dad Matters run by HomeStart is very good.

I would lower your expectations to the floor with the unhelpful grandparents. Only do contact that works for you and for a length of time that works for you - cafe with play park/ restaurant with kids area/ park meet up/ come to your house. Tbh I would go low contact.

In terms of high needs. Tbh it sounds like you just have a toddler who has hit their "turd" stage early. Almost all toddlers go through the little shit stage where they have intense emotions, tantrums, feral, loud, endless energy, and are generally arseholes, it's a phase it will pass. It does take some adjusting to though. I know 3 people who had placid toddlers of the 24 children I know. 2 of those placid toddlers were nightmare velcro babies who screamed and purple cried for hours on end, didn't sleep, had reflux, struggled to feed but no tongue tie, wouldn't be put down, refused to go in prams/ cots/ swing seats their parents had over 1 year of really intense emotions so the toddler phase was a breeze for them. 1 of those babies is now 6 and is one of those rocking horse poo children who never whines or natters for things, sits beautifully at a table with 0 entertainment at extended family dinners for hours, never strops, walks beautifully at all times and holds hands when told to without any argument, gets dressed when asked, eats all his dinner every time without moaning or negotiation, he is an absolute dream (bar his first 15 months of life) my friend was incredibly smug and had another child expecting the same, she was very quickly humbled by her lovely placid baby2 becoming a feral beast of a toddler. The other placid toddler is still a very placid child but is very withdrawn and barely speaks, school are investigating for SEN.

Your DH definitely needs to buck up in terms of taking toddler on outings/ to toddler groups. Sometimes as parents we have to do things for our children that make us uncomfortable. I personally am quite shy but I attend many baby, toddler and children's groups for the sake of my DDs and going often makes them less daunting, I've become more outgoing and made lots of mum friends.

Toddlers get terrible cabin fever and just cause more and more chaos if cooped up at home. They are also 100% easier to parent out of the house. Interaction with others is not expected at groups, he doesn't have to talk to other parents if he doesn't want. Your local children's centre and library will often have free groups like singing/music/general toddler group. Churches often run a toddler group for a couple of £. The local leisure centre will run some kind of drop in parent and toddler swimming session in the pool if you don't want to pay for lessons. The park is free, the woods are free, walking to get shopping is free.

A routine will help and so will getting out the house every day for a couple of hours. So for example Monday/ Tuesday/ Wednesday is nursery, Thursday is y, Friday is z.

If he really won't do groups then an extra half day at nursery would help.

No idea why you think they should be helping you, you chose to have a child it’s down to you to look after them.
Don’t expect help from anyone then you won’t be disappointed.

I think @Striveforcompetence has pretty much nailed it.

If DH can’t cope with DS for 2 days, that may be why grandparents can’t either - having much less energy?

You havent really desvribed the high needs apart from some abscoding and not sitting still.

Dd1 has audhd and never rwally coloured. Never listened to no. Never went down easily for a nap. Didnt sleep till 1yo and even then not well.
She would only spend maybe 5 mins on an activity at a grouo then move on.
I think the other difference to your dc is we put her in nursery at 12m and she didnt cope and we had to take her back out. She had lots of issues still at 3yo in preschool year. And reception. Issues with haor and teeth brushing suntan lotion and late for a girl to PT at 3.5yo.

Thing is toddler groups dont fix everything but purposely having a child not engage with other kids 2 dqys every week and then probably also on weekends seems not great. As you can see my dc didnt go to nursery in the end till 3yo and there were limited toddler groups etc locally. But how many hours have you or DH spent with other kids (toddler groups/birthday parties etc) for dh to know how other generally behave?

As my dh will say things about dc behaviour BUT mine has literally only been to maybe 10 bday parties and a few scouts/cubs things. So mine literally doesnt know how NT kids behave. (Obviously weve dont soft play etc but he never really paid much attention and all kids are crazy there.)

However i do think its notable you are saying the GP are not the most understanding or helpful, because in our case its noticeable that all the GP are potentially ND in some way. But also dd is pretty bright (seemed gifted at toddler age, and she always wanted to best us by not doing what was asked etc)

OP, my children are 8 and 6. My parents have given us very little support. By that I mean they looked after my son for a couple of hours while his sister was born. Apart from Christmas and birthday presents, that’s the sum total of their effort.

I tried to compensate by taking my children down to see them. My brother lives with them and his son has a room there to stay at weekends. In our particular case we’ve discovered that they can make a huge effort for my nephew, and it’s gotten to the point where they’re just rubbing it in our faces.

The last time we went there, a three hour round trip that was prearranged, my dad wasn’t even there. He’d taken my nephew out somewhere. I took my children, turned around and went home.

That was almost a month ago now. No sorry. No phonecall. Not even an acknowledgement it was wrong.

Your situation sounds slightly different but if I had my time over again I’d have stopped making the effort a long time ago. My children have started to notice the favouritism, don’t feel as loved as their cousin, and don’t want to go anymore. If they want to be Hallmark grandparents, so be it but I’m not going to pretend their behaviour is OK any more.

OP, it has taken A LOT to get to this point, but I just want peace in my house. Some strange incident always seemed to arise just before a special event and ruin everything. If I were you, I’d drop the rope. If they want to be decent grandparents they will. If they don’t, nothing you can do or say will change that. Unfortunately, some people are just arseholes.