12 year olds in a relationship

[Afrokimmy]

I check my 12-year-old's phone every so often, and I just found out they are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a classmate. They're both 12 & in Y7. The messages include lots of "I love you", "baby", "forever", etc.

Needless to say, we're having a long conversation tonight, and there will be consequences around phone use and social media.

I'm genuinely interested in how other parents have handled this. Is this something I should discuss with school as well?

Consequences for what? What have they done wrong?

I was at primary school in the 60s and some dc had special friendships even then! Don’t see it as wrong. Just talk about safety and trust. “Consequences” is just ridiculous!

There doesn't need to be consequences unless you have told them they are not to have a relationship until they are X old which I don't think you would have done. If you punish this they will just hide it from you.

Just talk to your child. It is heady to have someone you like like you back. Their feelings are valid. Do they spend any time together outside of school or is all of this in school time?

Set ground rules for dating, only in groups until they are X age, talk to them about boundaries and not to share any photos at all unless fully dressed. Make them understand that it is against the law to do this even between couples unless they are 18 years old. And that the police do prosecute these types of offences and no everyone is not doing it.

If you come at this from a harsh punishment standpoint they will never ask you questions and never confide in you. You are there to guide them, to protect them, inform them. I have two adult sons, we have talked about this sort of stuff since they started secondary. It is kudos to have a girlfriend/boyfriend at that age. It usually means that, just the words, no hand holding, no seeing each other outside of school time etc. It is a conversation starter about friendships, relationships.

Have you talked to your child about how you and their Dad met? What age you were? Other people you dated? I met Dh when I was 22. Of course I dated other people before him. Clearly they did not last, that was part of the conversation too. They also know my sibling met their wife when they were 29, it is all part of talking about life with them, you inform them about things without them actually asking questions.

You should be checking your 12 year olds phone every day - not just every so often.

Unless you set a boundary already, I’m not sure how there can be consequences for their actions. If you go heavy on this, they’ll hide things for years to come. If they’re just hanging out at school and texting each other (as long as nothing lewd!), then I’d find that quite sweet and I’d be happy that my child has people/relationship skills to form a bond with someone. As long as everything is above board, talk about consent, but otherwise enjoy the excitement with them.

Do you have a no dating rule that you’ve already communicated to her? If not then I don’t think she’s done anything wrong to warrant any consequences. Just have a conversation with her and either say you think she’s too young to date or tell her about boundaries etc that need to be in place. Many young kids “date” so I don’t think it’s something the school would be interested in unless you think it’s crossed the line into inappropriate contact.

What have they actually done wrong? They’re just a couple of kids sending soppy messages. It’s not a genuine relationship and they’ll have fallen out in about a fortnight. At that age it’s really not a real relationship, it’s two kids with a crush who probably barely see each other.

If you’d caught her sexting that would be different but ‘love you forever’ is just silly inoffensive pre-teen daftness. You need to calm down.

Some of those primary 'relationships' are nothing though. Two kids will say they're 'going out together', but won't even be friends!
This sounds like more.

So it depends on what you mean by ‘relationship’. Mine is in Y8 now and generally most (but not all) of these relationships involve pretty much never even speaking face to face. It’s like back in school when friends were ‘going out’ with someone and the extent of that involved deciding they were ‘going out’ and then that was it. My dd has had several ‘boyfriends’ since Y5 and with the exception of one, who happened to be a good friend (still is), she’s never even hung out with any of them. 😂

I think you need to ascertain what the extent of the relationship is. If it’s just messaging (firstly, are you not checking her phone regularly?!), as long as nothing inappropriate, then I’d just leave her to it, but I would have a chat about healthy relationships and inappropriate messages. At 12, I wouldn’t be letting them hang out one to one, unless under your supervision. It’s too young for a proper face to face physical relationship, but I assume you know where she’s going and who she’s with.

I can’t imagine getting worked up by this so long as it was all innocent. I second posters asking consequences for what, it’s not like she’s done anything bad.

It’s just time for a talk about healthy relationships, boundaries etc. in my opinion.

@GwenhwyfarIt was a friendship and very innocent! No phones then of course but kids liked each other. It didn’t last but the only difference here is the phone and op knowing the language used. Not that it’s improper either. Certainly by 14 some had more meaningful relationships with boys at school, but no one got pregnant. It’s just similar interests and a bit of fun but when is it ok for dc to be friends with the opposite sex and not incur the dreaded “consequences”? Dc aren’t all the same are they? No friendships until 16?

Not sure if what consequences you mean? What have they done wrong? Is there explicit content or sexual images being shared?

probably just a normal pre teen relationship! Very normal!

My 12 year old isn’t at this stage yet but many of the kids in her year are in ‘relationships’. Which often means they’re too embarrassed to speak to each other in real life but send each other soppy messages!
What exactly has your daughter done wrong OP? There’s no indication of wrongdoing in your post.

My 12 year old has a boyfriend

They haven't 'done anything' together though
I'm not even sure how much time they're even together in school to be honest apart from lessons

They don't see each other outside of school

I have noticed in her text messages they say 'I love you'
It was actually her who started this.
It's not what I would say at this stage but young people say I love you in different ways sometimes

Surely 'forever' and 'babe' might just be how some people speak?.

Sorry this seems entirely normal - why would you discuss it with school. Poor kid 🙈

I echo other posters comments. Consequently for what exactly? All sounds very innocent and normal for her age. Of course at 12 years old you believe you love your boyfriend and will forever, reality is that they probably don’t even speak in person and will have broken up in a few weeks. There is absolutely no reason to get so worked up, unless there is more to it than you have shared in your post?

Just continue checking her phone as all parents should be at that age and let her carry on. I feel like telling her off and giving her “consequences” now will only push her away from you and risk her not telling you bigger things in the future.

Punishing your child will simply mean they cut you off and as they get older - they will hide even more from you.

Unless the conversation has gotten sexual - I wouldn’t worry too much.

A 12 year old is a child and they don’t understand those feelings. They are acting out what they have seen.

A conversations about the birds and the bees is completely in order. However, punishment would be over the top.

Mine were told - no romantic relationships before age 16 and they both kept to that rule.

Your complete lack of respect for privacy with you kid is probably why they don't tell you anything.
No doubt you'll be on here crying in 5 years about how they want no relationship with you and you don't ubderstand why.

Nothing to punish them for! Maybe have a conversation about sending intimate photos and age appropriate sex chat, bit they've not actually done anything wrong. My son is 14 and has had the same girlfriend since he was 7, but usually these relationships only last a month or ao and then move on to the next.

Oh for gods sake!

Consequences for what? It’s perfectly normal to have boyfriends/girlfriends at that age. The school will laugh at you if you raise this with them.
Common sense should tell you what boundaries do need to be in place to help keep them safe eg no sleepovers and what things you need to discuss with them.

You should not check their phone unless they need help keeping up with emails or homework requirements. You should do so only with permission.

It's perfectly normal for 2 12 yr olds to date. You may well find when they split up they don't have another boyfriend until they are 16+

Think you should tread carefully here. I think it’s really important for your child to feel they can have an open line of communication with you. This will also probably be excruciatingly embarrassing for them if you bring it up. So choose how to proceed carefully, as you don’t want them to shut off from you.

If 1980s Rob Lowe had hoved into view when I was 12, it wouldn't be only a relationship that my parents would be having to worry about. So I think it depends on the child - lots of PPs are dismissing the relationship as being - as it probably is - pre-teen playfulness. But what if OP's daughter really does feel things deeply? I think a conversation rather than consequences is the way forward, OP, and I would suddenly be taking her swimming, to the cinema, clothes shopping etc, so that she remains grounded in family love, sort of thing.