12 year olds in a relationship

[Afrokimmy]

I check my 12-year-old's phone every so often, and I just found out they are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a classmate. They're both 12 & in Y7. The messages include lots of "I love you", "baby", "forever", etc.

Needless to say, we're having a long conversation tonight, and there will be consequences around phone use and social media.

I'm genuinely interested in how other parents have handled this. Is this something I should discuss with school as well?

I hope this is a wind up!

There is nothing wrong with starting to have feelings for other people - it is definitely time to have a sensible discussion - but there is nothing wrong here so no need for consequences - if you say no they won’t tell you anything in the future.

Of course they bloody shouldn’t, but 13 year olds still give birth and still have terminations in the UK every year. Only a handful, admittedly, but would you risk your 12 year old being one of them because you didn’t think it was appropriate to teach them about consent and safety before they reached the age of consent?

Teacher of preteens/young teens here, this is absolutely normal and completely within developmental stages. Please don’t call the school, they will just roll eyes or press the red button, just talk to your child. Find out what dating for them actually means. You’d be surprised how many just text and nothing else, it’s all about the kudos of having a g’friend/b’friend!

So if she's sensitive, she won't like you snooping. Much better to work on a relationship with so she will share when she's upset and confide in you and so on.

Lol.

I didn’t say she’s sensitive, I said she’s sensible, and she’s absolutely fine with it.

There are many ways to protect them. Teaching them about dangers, establishing a rekationship of trust and honesty and so on

"They"? You mean more than one of your children is 'in a relationship' with a classmate?

Young children have always had school sweethearts, it's normal.

I have a 12 year old also in year 7, she has had 2 boyfriends and sending love you messages but I dont see it as a problem because she tells me about it. I think thats more the problem, not whats been said but the fact she hasn't told you about it? Before thinking of anything drastic like speaking to the school I would just reassure your child that they can be open about any relationship they are having

I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss this as innocent childish fun and I think a lot of people here are naive about how well kids can hide their activities from adults. When I was young, some girls started having sex at 11yo and that was a long time ago so it could be even earlier now.

I agree with not making a huge fuss over it or punishing them for it but I’d be keeper a much closer eye.

I work in a secondary in a pastoral role and I internally eye roll at 12byr olds in "relationships" but obviously i dont comment on it.My ds 12 has been having so called girlfriends since age 8 its just kids being kids.

Crushes are common. I was in love with a boy in Year 6. He didn't know of course and mobiles didn't exist.
Do they meet up socially? Alone?
That would be more of an issue .
Have you had the sex/ contraception chat?
Do you discuss things like this openly?

I thought OP was insane! But reading the thread I equally find people talking about 12 year olds with partners and relationships bizarre.

3 DC and at 12 year old they were effectively having a very good friend of the opposite sex or someone who you never actually talk to for month but your friends might pass a note or giggle at them because they are your “boyfriend/Girlfriend”

Very open and relaxed about sex (approximately) for years but none of them thought it was something for children in fact kissing was considered disgusting! They’d thought I was a weirdo telling them not to sext 🫣 they wouldn’t have been remotely into that. Normal healthy happy teens (with normal ups and downs). So I wonder whether this is a thread at cross purposes because maybe there are some families and kids with very different experiences of tween/young teens? But in the main I think the “boyfriends” nothing to worry about and very developmentally normal.

I don’t think they deserve punishment or consequences for saying I love you or calling someone baby if that is the extent of it. It’s not really a “relationship” and as long as they know about boundaries, consent, safe sex, peer pressure etc. then it’s probably fairly innocent and texting is the extent of it. You can have strong feelings at that age but I think a lot of it is influenced by TV shows and the words or phrases they’ve heard on there. If they are telling each other they want to have sex, sending suggestive photos or one is pushing boundaries etc. then that’s a different matter

My DD is 12 and in year 7 and also has a ‘boyfriend’. They are basically good friends and who have said they ‘like’ each other and text good morning and good night with lots of heart emojis! I don’t think you can control these things and there is no need for any ‘consequence’. Certainly what I have been doing is using this as a chance to help my DD work out what kind of qualities are good ones for a boyfriend (or friend) to have. Does he treat you kindly? How does he treat others? Does he try make you feel good about yourself or pull you down? We’ve talked a lot about messaging eg scope for confusion with you can’t hear tone, avoid saying things you wouldn’t want shared etc You want to cultivate a relationship of trust so she will come to you when things go wrong without fear of being judged. I think in some ways its better to be able to start these conversations now rather than at 15 etc when I fear there will be more resistance. You can sow little seeds to help her make smart decisions and recognise what is not ok behaviour. Please don’t make her feel shame as she will retreat and you will start to lose her.

It sounds like typical kid stuff to me. Kids think they have to say that kind of thing to be grown up.

Talk to her about how long they’ve been a couple and if she wants to invite him to dinner etc. If it is ‘serious’ then maybe a few ground rules about what’s acceptable at their ages. Try and get friendly with his parent(s) even if it’s just text message based contact.. ‘Hi, daughter says she coming yo dinner tonight.. is it ok if I pick her up at X’.

Don’t talk to the school either.. that’s an overreaction and a half,

I was ten when i began to get unwelcome comments from boys. By 11 it was persistent. My mother had not attracted such attention and had no notion it could occur.
Not all twelve year old boys are innocent .
I think much depends on the boy. But personally far too young. And have conversations do. I remember one girl asking me whether my mum had had the conversation with me. Later I realised she meant about boys and boundaries. Not my mum no. I remember being jealous that she had such a mum.

Or they didn't tell you about them...

Wind up.

Talk about overreacting. Punishment for a normal part of growing up. Wow.

Better that she feels she can talk to you about her relationships than that she sneaks around. Kids will have relationships whether they need to sneak around or not. Just make sure you educate her at home about sex Ed, knowing her worth, red flags or whatever. Its scary for the parent tho.

I'm early 70's.

My oldest school friend told me she was in love with someone in the next class up.

They've been married for ever and are grandparents.

I also know someone who got pregnant at 12.

Nothing new under the sun.

People seem to be assuming that the original posting was about a girl, when actually the only references were to "they". And the person who started the thread hasn't posted anything since.

In the absence of any clues, I would say this is harmless. I'd tell the kid, "Just don't do anything physical". And I'd hope to meet the other child at some point, and if it really persists, talk to their parents. But not with any idea that my own child was in any danger from the other one (or vice versa).

The sticky issue here might be that the parent has been looking at the child's phone. The child might see that as an intrusion on their privacy, unless it's been made clear that such inspections are a condition of having the phone.

My almost 12 year old broke up with her ‘boyfriend’ of 19 months at Easter. Their relationship consisted of texts, standing looking at each other and Christmas and valentines gifts. They went bowling with another ‘couple’, I took the girls and the boys were taken by my daughters ‘bf’ mum who’s a teacher at their primary. This ‘date’ consisted of them not talking for the first hour! At this age a boyfriend is just a male friend. Well it is for my daughter.

what talk are you going to have with her???

Is this a wind up? Sounds like very normal pre-teen behaviour.