12 year olds in a relationship

[Afrokimmy]

I check my 12-year-old's phone every so often, and I just found out they are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a classmate. They're both 12 & in Y7. The messages include lots of "I love you", "baby", "forever", etc.

Needless to say, we're having a long conversation tonight, and there will be consequences around phone use and social media.

I'm genuinely interested in how other parents have handled this. Is this something I should discuss with school as well?

Consequences? What have they done wrong? Do not get this out of proportion or you will have done wrong. Play it down. I reckon it will blow over.

@Denim4ever
They are children.
They need to be kept safe in the online world - by their parents. Have you read the threads on here where people have discovered their children are sending nude photos? Or are being groomed by predators? Or are being seduced by the toxic masculinity influencers?

What are you giving them consequences for? What have they done wrong? My son had a girlfriend from our caravan site when he was about 11, they wrote ‘ML’ to each other on every message which translates to ‘my love’. Vomit worthy perhaps and quite amusing but absolutely not requiring any chastising of any kind. I even helped him make a little valentines gift for her. We’re no longer at the caravan site anymore, they don’t see each other and no harm done.

I mean sure, if you want to chastise him/her go ahead but don’t come back shocked when they tell you absolutely nothing about anything when they’re older.

What will your consequences be though for not adequately parenting your child and their devices if you only check ‘every so often’?

Yup I agree with this!

Also nothing to do with the school!

So my 12 year old daughter has a ‘boyfriend’, it is chatting in school and they went to play mini golf together one Saturday. They were there an hour and then I picked her up and his mum picked him up. All very innocent and cute.
I did have a talk with my daughter about what she is too young for (regular meet ups outside of school, kissing, sexual touching etc) but my main priority was to keep her talking to us. I had boyfriends at school and didn’t tell my parents anything - I do not want that for my children!
it doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong, you’re more shocked that she hasn’t wanted to confide in you and perhaps want to lash out at her for shutting you out?…

Why would you go to the school and what consequences??? I certainly had a b-f at that age. We wrote letters back then (was the early 80’s), these days they can text 🤷‍♂️.

I still have my letters from past b-f and the beautiful ones from dh as mobile phones when I met him were still bricks and texting cost money and you’d have to press the buttons several times to get the letters up so took forever.

at 12 they shouldn’t be on social media anyway, nothing to do with relationship status

What really "concerns" you, OP?
Having a "boyfriend/ girlfriend" at that age, is perfectly "normal". I don't want to assume anything, so is there more to the messages than you've mentioned in your post? Sexting? Images? Or have you been affected by incidents in your own past? Or influenced by friends/ news reports you've read?
Two 12 year olds messaging each other, in the context you have given us, is genuinely nothing to be concerned about. Rather than confronting your daughter about it, and talking about "consequences" for normal behaviour; talk to her about YOUR relationship with her. Reassure her that she can talk to you, safely and that you will listen to her. Encourage her to confide in you. This relationship, will in all probability, not last very long. She may feel "heartbroken" by that, or maybe she won't know how to end it herself, maybe she'll feel rejected, or trapped, maybe it will escalate to something you should be genuinely concerned about ... but ultimately, how you approach her and support her NOW, will have enormous repercussions for a very long time to come.

I’m a teacher In a secondary school. Fairly normal typical behaviour for a 12 year old. I’m not sure what you are concerned about tbh

Absolutely disagree with this. I reserve the right to check my 12 year old’s phone at any point. She’s very sensible, but other people aren’t.

I don’t think you can issue ‘consequences’ unless your DC was aware it was against the rules to call someone ‘baby’ and tell then you love them.

I’m assuming you generally know where they are and what they’re up to when they’re not in school, so what are you worried about, in particular, here?

If you don’t know where they are and what they’re up to outside of school, then I don’t imagine your consequences about phone use and screen time will make much difference.

I suspect mine is a bit of an exception, but he fell for the girl he met on his first day of secondary school, ‘dating’ if you can call it that by 12, and still together now at 18 ready to go off to uni together, taking regular trips and holidays places. They’re really well suited.

I don’t bring this up because I think that’s what’ll happen with yours, but because they have become adults together who have continued to behave kindly and respectfully toward each other. They’re best friends. They don’t plan on having sex until they are mature and ready for it (COVID kids so I think they’re a bit young for their age this generation aren’t they), and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they weren’t intimate like that until they had their own place.

Young relationships don’t have to be bad, they can be respectful and nice, if you make sure that they have clear boundaries. But please stop reading their messages…that isn’t what you need to be looking at, if you really need to check their phones then it should be looking for bullying in group chats etc

This in spades, been there dealt with this. It only lasts a couple weeks, months at longest until the next crush comes along.

Very jealous, I wish we had mini golf nearby. Is this outdoors or indoors?

Yeah, my mother had an attitude like yours. By 13 I realised I couldn't have any kind of conversation with her about anything personal or tell her anything I did or wanted to do. I did all sorts of stupid shit and she didn't know and couldn't help me because I didn't feel I could talk about anything with her. I had to learn so many things the very, very hard way instead of having open communication.

You don't want to go down that road.

I’m sure it’s all very innocent and it’ll be over in six weeks. But relationships today are very different from relationships when many of us were that age. They’re exposed to so much more than we were and there’s more pressure to rush things. I think you’d be unwise to ignore it completely and very unwise to assume it’s completely innocent.

I think now might be a good idea to have a chat about the danger of exchanging photographs, that they are out there forever, you have no control over them, they might ‘love’ each other now, but if they look at the adult and late teen couples around them now, very few if any will have met so early, so the likelihood is that this is not going to be the person they spend the rest of their life with. And if they fall out badly, and they’ve exchanged photos, there could be all sorts of fall out from that. And if you haven’t already, talk to them about safe sex. Kids will always find a space to be alone.

If you treat them as if they’ve done something wrong at any point, then they will just shut down and you will be the last person they come to if they’re in trouble and need help.

If she hasn't had sex education at school, it might be an idea to sit her down and have an adult conversation about how the doodle dangle goes into the flaleelala but not without one of those rubber things... what are they called again? Johnnys?

or see if you can re-ignite her interest in My Little Pony.

I still have mine.

Chill.

I didn't allow dating until 16, I found it took the pressure off.
Dd is now 17 with a boyfriend.
Whats your plan op?

When you say consequences are you actually planning on punishing your child for having a bf/gf?! My all means have a conversation but they’ve not done anything wrong. Realistically how you react in the moment will have a huge impact on your future relationship with your DC. Think carefully about what kind of relationship you actually want.

😂 I love your confidence that you would have had any say in it if she’d met someone she wanted to date.

Or indeed that she didn't. 😄

What do you expect school to do about it?!

I drop my eldest off at school and often see ‘couples’ walking together to and from school. It’s quite common in the high schools around here. Some are friendships but they call them relationships. Likes other posters have said, they may not interact much face to face at school. A few I love you text messages sounds very innocent, hardly indecent images being shared!! I think you are over reacting a bit.

yes have a chat about healthy relationships, boundaries etc… but I would tread carefully, they haven’t actually done anything wrong.

Well she's autistic so takes things pretty literally. She also likes clear boundaries so we decided it together 🤷‍♀️

I met my first boyfriend when I was 12. Lots of people at school started to have partners in year 8/9. Was basically just a mate at that point. Often one of your friends asked them out for you and you might not even speak!

In my case we would go to town, cinema, lazer quest, bowling, that sort of thing, held hands sometimes 😂 I don't think we properly kissed till more like 14, and nothing else till much later. We were together till I was 25! Most of those early secondary school relationships fizzled out naturally, some lasted a good while, one couple who started dating in year 7 are married with kids now.

Would neither write it off or go in all guns blazing tbh. Doesn't feel like an out there age to be starting to explore this side of life. Communication, boundaries, education and openness feels like the way to go.

Would you not be doing those activities with your 12-year-old anyway?