12 year olds in a relationship

[Afrokimmy]

I check my 12-year-old's phone every so often, and I just found out they are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a classmate. They're both 12 & in Y7. The messages include lots of "I love you", "baby", "forever", etc.

Needless to say, we're having a long conversation tonight, and there will be consequences around phone use and social media.

I'm genuinely interested in how other parents have handled this. Is this something I should discuss with school as well?

1. Yes keep checking her phone, she is a CHILD.
2. Don’t tell her off for having a boyfriend
3. Quietly open up conversation about school, friends and ask about boyfriends. You want her to see you as someone she can talk to who can provide advice.
4. explain she is too young for serious, sexual relationships and that these have consequences of both emotions she can’t handle and babies. (I’m not an expert, do some reading!)
5. Some people are SO sheltered- there is every chance they’re snogging by 12?! 😂 I was a slow bloomer and had my first kiss at 15 and no “physical” boyfriend until 18, but I was the very last of my friends! I remember several girls kissing boyfriends with tongue in the middle of the playground in year 7 (who were also in year 7!) and it continuing all through year 8 in different/new couples. A friend of mine lost her virginity at 13 to a 17 year old! It’s important to have the talks but trust but verify. Of course we should trust our children, but how can we acknowledge they’re too young to make good decisions, then allow them into situations they can’t handle? All my experiences were in the early 00s, before smart phones, but social media and picture phones were a “thing” by the time I was say 15/16? I can only imagine it’s worse and more covert now. I think those in the thread with experience of “cute 12 year old relationships” either (1) are oblivious to them snogging at school and need to watch closely or (2) are genuinely close to their kids, keep watch and monitor things.

We have a niece who is almost 10, she got a smart phone for her 9 th birthday, unsupervised WhatsApp (we know as we get selfies from her at 10pm and when her mum found out it was all meaningless excuses) She regularly cancels coming to family things with her mum and her younger siblings to hang out with her “boyfriend” just the two of them, perhaps with other kids but not intentional. She is off out on her bike just the two of them back in their home town hanging around other kids and the park - when her siblings and mum are at ours 30 mins away. At NINE. I have said to my husband, I think his sister oblivious to what our niece could be getting up to (or god forbid, pressured into) and that’s if her and her boyfriend don’t end up being cornered by odd adults/older kids…

You sound like you are doing an awesome job here Bestfootforward11. I think I will follow this approach if and when my DC dips a toe in a relationship.

Thanks for all the responses and opinions.

We do have a no-dating until 16 rule. I personally feel 12 is too young for dating and we discussed this last year when my child was leaving primary school and agreed that dating would be something for around age 16.

My concern is not just that my child likes someone. Both children seem to be deeply affectionate and romantic with each other, and I can already see certain influences which is what worried me.

We have now had a long conversation, and it seems there was also peer pressure involved: the feeling that “everyone has a relationship”, so my child felt they had to have one too and then keep it secret from us.

To clarify, when I mentioned “consequences”, I was thinking about a phone ban or restrictions, mainly because of the secrecy and the online side of things, not because I wanted to punish my child for having feelings. There is so much going on with children and the internet, so I do think it is reasonable for parents to be cautious about phones, messaging, pressure and what children are exposed to.

Regarding speaking to the school, my line of thought was really to seek guidance as I was obviously in a state of confusion and trying to work out the best way to handle it.

Having spoken to my child, we have agreed that they focus on friendships for now.

Just to add a bit more context.

Back in Year 6, my darling child had a "prom date" and was completely open about it with me. We talked about it, established it was simply a friendship. My child's date's mum and I even arranged for them to arrive at the prom in a Bentley, which they absolutely loved.

So I'm not anti-dating or against my child growing up. I'm genuinely excited for that stage of their life when they're older.

Poor kids, I would have absolutely hated a dating ban till 16. You can't help how you feel!

Guaranteed they will creep around behind your back.

FGS they are just being kids. Its quite sweet. Use opportunity to have a sensible conversation about relationahips. Dont punish them or you will regret it.

Sorry OP, but I really think this “agreement” is just your child humouring you. If they have been talking about being in love, they’re not just going to shut that down because you say so. They’ll go into school and say “my mum found our messages and says we can’t be more than friends, so we can’t text openly about our undying love for each other anymore”.

Go and read Romeo and Juliet and stop being so controlling.

What are they actually doing that is so wrong? I mean unless kissing or nakedness is involved, what are they doing other than hanging out together as best mates. If you aren't sexually attracted to each other, then whether you call it boyfriend and girlfriend or just best friends, it's the same.

We do have a no-dating until 16 rule.

Yeah, that'll go well. They'll just end up hiding it from you, which is likely to end up with them putting themselves in riskier situations than if you know and accept it.

I'd really rethink this if I were you @Afrokimmy

My 6 year old has a school girlfriend. Who he wants to "marry" one day.

Though I remember a boy proposing to me with a ring made of daisies when I was at that age... So let kids be kids.

My Christian grandma did the same to my mother!!! No dating, anybody. Funny. My mum had me at 16! Says lack of support, conversation and having to hide was the main factor. Can't believe in 2026 there are still medival parents like this. You're controlling!!

My own mother allowed me to date from around 13/14 from what I remember and asked me to just talk to her.

I got married at 24 with a child at 26.

I mentioned my kid was only in this relationship because "everyone was in a relationship".

Glad it worked for you 😍
In my opinion, a 16-year-old can get pregnant whether they were allowed to date or not. Our goal is to build healthy friendships/relationships and to enjoy being children in these friendships/relationships without a need for secrecy.

I mean, that's what they told their parent who thinks they shouldn't have relationships before 16.

Well there you go then. Harmless fun and nothing to get yourself het up about.

With all due respect- get a grip!
You provided the phone, you should have provided the education around social media before giving it.
Checking the phone - you absolutely should do this more often
12 year old relationships - have you not had relationship conversations before now? Newsflash, the likelihood is they're just calling one another boyfriend/girlfriend. My DS is 12 and has had a gf since February, they're not even holding hands yet! We've had conversations about respect, relationships and age appropriate stuff and he know he can come ask for advice, and has done
Consequences - really?? For what, normal development? Having a close friend? Being normal??
Maybe do some reflecting. Based on your postline, why do you think your dc didn't tell you they had a gf/bf? Do you think your reaction is appropriate? What can you do to support your dc to develop good, high quality relationships? How can ypu encourage amd support openness and honestly (clue it isn't my shaming or giving consequences for normal behaviour!) Good luck to you and your dc but you will be better navigating this path together not trying to control them

So she is apparently in a relationship due to peer pressure….i mean peer pressure is thing. But do you not see that your ‘no dating till 16 rule’ is also pressure and you say she’s in agreement…..I’m sorry but you are encouraging secrecy in your relationship with your child which will only get worse the older they get if they feel that they can not be open and talk to you because you have this rule. You are stopping them developing and growing up. The best way would be to encourage open communication let her have a boyfriend should she wish but just keep an eye, chat openly about relationships they may have so you can advise when required. Peers who were not allowed boyfriends still had boyfriends but parents didn’t know, it was those who were never where they were supposed (where their parents were told they were) to be to be and it were those who were having morning sickness when sitting their GCSE exams. And yes I have 5 teenagers mixture of boys and girls x

Thank you. It's all thanks to my mum who went through hell from her own parents and decided to be different.

If I'm honest with you, you cannot encourage honesty and healthy relationships while "wanting to contact school about their relationship or forbidding dating before 16". Those are contradictory and even shaming for a teenager, not mentioning not realistic. I can't see a hormonal teenager not wanting something everybody else can have, while she can't. Hell she will seek it out more out of curiosity.

If you were my mum, I would agree to whatever you wanted (to make you happy) and did what I want behind your back. It's easier to apologise after, than fight for own rights and feelings.

As we know the forbidden apple tastes the sweetest.

@JerryGiraffe

To clarify, yes, we have had lots of conversations about phones, social media, friendships, boundaries and age-appropriate behaviour before now.

I think we can acknowledge that different families have different parenting styles.

My child has never kept secrets from me, so yes, I did panic! That is exactly why I came on here asking for advice rather than pretending I had all the answers.

I don't feel guilty for helping my child understand that they don't have to follow the crowd. Whenever they do choose to have a relationship, I want it to be because it feels right for them, not because of pressure from others.

My child now understands they don't need to be in a relationship because everyone else is or pretend they have feelings they don't genuinely have just to fit in.

Right now, my child is happy just being a child again.

We may all parent differently, but I think we're all trying to raise children who feel safe, confident and able to make good choices.

My child admitted they felt they needed to be in a relationship because everyone else seemed to be. To me, that's very different from choosing to be in a relationship because you like someone and genuinely want to be with them.

My child has never kept anything like this from me before, so my original post was done in panic. Since then, we've had a calm conversation and my child knows they never have to follow the crowd to fit in and that, whenever they do decide they're ready for a relationship, it's because it feels right for them, not because of peer pressure. For us, that's a positive outcome.

I appreciate not everyone agrees with our family's boundaries, and that's absolutely fine. Every family parents differently ❤️

That's great, as long as she's not just saying what you she thinks you want to hear because, as someone else mentioned, pressure from you is no different to peer pressure. You are doing exactly what you think her friends have done. I agreed to all my mother's rules to her face because I knew I didn't have a choice. Then I went behind her back, as many others have said they also did on this thread, which is exactly what your daughter did too. I hope you've got it right here but I think you need to look more carefully at the evidence because to me it points to a child who will outwardly comply with your rules because it's easier than resisting, then do what she feels she needs to in secret. It is quite literally what she just did.

They = non-binary?

Is it an LGBT relationship?

I'm sorry but if she knows you don't want her to have a relationship until she's 16, then it would make sense for her to tell you it's just because of peer pressure.

I don't mean to say 'your child is a liar'. But at this age I think it would be fairly normal to stretch the truth to try to please a parent.

Is there something more to this, as I am failing to understand why there needs to be consequences, and how does it relate to social media?

the only way a 12 year old can access social media is if you have given permission to have social media apps and set up accounts? We have set up my sons account so that he has to ask permission to download anything, and have an account.

Absolutely this. A really close friend of mine was never interested in boys, until her parents sent her to an all girls school to keep her away from boys.

The way to take the power out of this stuff is to make it mundane and boring. Not a big forbidden, got to keep it secret, exciting game 🤦‍♀️

@Afrokimmy you don’t seem to be able to entertain the idea that your child is telling you what they know you want to hear. They know you don’t want them having a relationship so admitting it’s something they want is going to cause an argument. But telling you it’s just because everyone else does is a way of them saying “why can’t I have what everyone else has?” In a less confrontational way.

What is the problem with letting your child make these decisions themself?

As others have pointed out, all you’re doing is making sure they won’t talk to you about it because you’re so closed to any other opinion than your own. It’s not your life.