why do tantrums seem so much more common today?

[juliano]

i was reading through a few parenting discussions recently and one thing kept coming up over and over again: tantrums.
it seems like almost every parent has a story about a meltdown that came out of nowhere, whether at home, in a store, or right before bedtime.
what i'm curious about is whether tantrums are actually becoming more common, or if parents today are simply more aware of them and talk about them more openly than previous generations did.
for those who have children who go through tantrums regularly, what do you think is the biggest reason behind them? fatigue, frustration, screens, personality, something else, or a combination of everything?

Some of it can be temperament based i think.
Calm kids tend to act calmly and get a fair amount of leeway, but hot headed kids tend to both be more frustrated but also encounter more frustrating things.
I have two a son and a nephee, one can be trusted to make good choices a bit more so is able to run ahead etc but the other is more tricky so ends up needing fairly constant "dont do that", "dont touch that" you cant have that" which you can see is anger inducing. My son is able to get what he wants much more and has less rules, because its more reasonable so naturally has less tantrums.

I remember my cousins throwing massive tantrums as a kid, and actively figuring out that being well behaved made it easier to get stuff. I was well behaved to be slightly manipulative 😂 I sometimes wonder if my son has figured that out.

I'm being totally honest and not trying to brag but none of my 4 had a tantrum . 70s and 80s . I was a very calm mother so maybe they were too . If they had I'd have walked away for a bit ! We're all very close still .

Sure. I'm both superior and fucking stupid

I had awful tantrums as a toddler. My mum always says it was always if I got even the tiniest bit hungry.

DD (4) has had hardly any tantrums. The ones she has had have been when she is overtired. The rest of the time she’s very chill.

When I go out o don’t see many kids having tantrums, unless it’s around 3/4pm when there’s loads. Definitely think tiredness is a big culprit

To me, as we were recovering from a display of really entitled and spoilt behaviour at a birthday party. The children were about 7/8 so way too old for 'terrible two's'. But their parents whom we have known since b4 their children were born never reinforced boundaires.

I realise that it makes my son sound like angel! He isnt. My nephew is much more athletic than him, and to be honest is much more able to think of mischief where as my son sort of plods on to the rules

We recently went on a day out. My son wandered about ahead of us a little, looked at some ducks, we got some duck food, he fed them, and we sneaked in a quick play park visit where I could sit on the bench ocassionally shouting "well done" as he goes about his day .

My nephew needed to be told to come back a fair amount, not to get too close to the water so then had to hold a hand. Feeding the ducks had lots of instructions. There was a debate about if we could go to the park (the limited time meant that he was likely to kick off) so I think normally he would have missed out on that. In the park he needed some direction of "gently", "dont do that backwards"

You can see why that level of needed interference ends up in him far more tantrums. He gets far less freedom etc

I sometimes think that maybe he is so rebellious because he has so many rules to rebell again and dsis should back off and let him have that freedom. However he genuinely needs guidance a fair amount
Its a bit chicken and egg

To be clear, both my children have a cows milk protein allergy, and still carry epi pens. A steep learning curve for all of us, involving an enormous amount of cryi g and distress on their part as babies and toddlers. It contributed to my postpartum psychosis.
To me those things are very different from tantrums which often stem from children being unable to self regulate. Part of that issue is parental over indulgence. I said I'd get ripped apart. I'm fine with that. I'd much rather get ripped apart by strangers on mumsnet than embarrassed by my own kids behaviour in Sainsburys.

But as you've just described lactose intolerance could cause kids to struggle to regulate

A kid in pain, discomfort, sick etc is far more likely to be overly emotional. Crying and distress in babies that cant tantrum tends to lead to crying and distress in small kids that is effectively a tantrum or meltdown.

Your own post said there should be no allowance for that, then has described how your kids themselves were distressed

Classic. It’s okay for your children to lash out and react with unregulated emotion, but the reasons for other children doing it (of which you don’t truly know) are unacceptable. 👍

I think it’s like reading mn and getting the impression every man is going to have an affair. It’s just what’s posted about (and I say that as someone whose ex did have an affair!). People will post about parenting issues rather than to say “I have DC who never have tantrums!”. I wonder also if in the past people felt so judged about tantrums that they’d stay at home or it was doable to leave kids at home alone more (my mum was locked in a bedroom with siblings from a young age so her mum could shop 🥴). Now we just take them out regardless. Mine haven’t really been too tantrummy but there has been the odd occasion!

Tantrums aren't new. I worked in childcare over 20 years ago and it was well known that almost every child would have tantrums.

Your posts make no sense? Your husband “brilliantly” said he doesn’t care about how their medical conditions affect their behaviour, they simply don’t get to behave that way… but… their medical conditions did indeed affect their behaviour and they did behave that way 🤔

My son has never tantrummed in his life and I am very firm with him. I’m all for firm parenting. But at age 1-3 that wasn’t truly in my control and I’m not arrogant enough to think it was. I have a friend who parents just like I do and her first child is just like mine. Then number two child came along and brought the tantrums into their life. She parents exactly the same way with both of them but they just have to ride out the tantrums until she grows out of them.

I would say
Tantrums age 1-3 = normal
Tantrums age 4 = not to be tolerated
Tantrums age 5 and up = unacceptable unless there are additional needs involved

Me and my sisters got smacked if we tantrums/answered back etc. Great method for teaching you to surpress your feelings 👌

7 year olds don't have tantrums. That's just a child misbehaving.

Tantrums is behaviour described in relation to toddlers i.e. ages 3 and under.

If your child never tantrummed THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BETTER PARENT FFS. It's just sheer luck your child never tantrummed. So much of this comes down to a child's natural personality. Ds2 was a highly sensitive child and took life very emotionally, and very seriously, tantrummed over the slightest thing and took a huge amount of skill to calm him down. No, ignoring it did not help him regulate his emotions. Can we all just admit that children are different and need to be parented accordingly?

People didn’t have Mumsnet with which to compare notes.

My mum swears none of her 3 children ever had a tantrum but I think that's just selective memory! One of my five was a bugger as a toddler but the other four were generally amenable, might have had a little strop when tired or hungry but nothing to write home about! I think tantrums are pretty common between 2 and 3, it's probably more that parents talk about it more now and seek advice whereas when my children were young, parents just got on with it and hoped they'd grow out of it. They usually do!