MIL unwanted comments towards my toddler

[MWJC88]

My MIL made a comment to my 2 year old daughter and it’s really upset me. I don’t know how to handle the situation.

my daughter is on the leaner side like most toddlers are as she is always on the move - this morning my MIL made a comment to my daughter and said “you need to eat more food I can see your ribs” my response was calm as I didn’t want to make a bigger thing of it in front of my daughter and I said “don’t say that nanny it isn’t nice”. However on reflection I’m livid. I promote body confidence and believe in women/girls coming in all shapes and sizes and I want my daughter to feel good in her own skin. This has made me so sad and I don’t know how to broach it with MiL but I want to tell her that I don’t want my daughter’s appearance being commented on.

advice appreciated

i explained it to him when he got home and he’s not ok with it. He is going to have a chat with her and set some boundaries

But it will carry on. My MIL did it and now does it to her grandchildren and Great Grandchildren. But it’s they’re all too fat. Not one of them is fat or even slightly overweight but she is and always has been obsessed. Once a toddler, then an older child with body issues caused by such stupid rude comments. It’s very damaging and shouldn’t be tolerated. We all call her out every single time.

Nothing to add but I loooove your username 😂

I agree that the toddler caring or not caring isn't the point - the older child will remember what MIL said and it can have a drip, drip effect. My mother is always commenting (lots of very judgy 'is DD eating again?') and now she's 9 my daughter is very well aware her granny is the sort of person who notices what people eat and how thing they are, and she actively finds it uncomfortable.

@MWJC88 Yes, if it’s on repeat! But the odd comment isn’t that harmful. It’s also your job to get dc to be resilient! I have a skinny dd and as an adult she looks amazing. Plenty of people think she’s a model. She’s not but being slim is an attribute in her mind. Surely what matters is your toddler eating well. I don’t think things said at 2 have much bearing on later life but good eating habits do. I’d be wary of your mil pulling back on any babysitting if she does it.

Op nip it in the bud politely.If it carries on be less polite.
My daughters have had this all their 18 and 19 years from their grandmother and aunt - literally putting their hands round DD19s waist to see if they can touch, commenting on DD18s bust size, running commentary throughout DD18s dance show about how overweight the dancers are when she was 14.Yesterday talking about naughty food she was eating with DD18 (scrambled egg on toast with a sausage...DD18 is underweight!).I've constantly asked them not to.When I call them up on it they apologise loads but then do it again.
You are right to notice this early and say something.

Massive over reaction. No wonder so many MILs are walking on eggshells around their DILs. They can’t say anything!

My Mum would say this to my daughter - it’s because it’s true. She’s a tiny little thing and she does need to eat more and you can see her.

Nip that shit in the bud now - I let shitty comments like that fly from my MIL because the kids were tiny and I was always made to feel like I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Now the kids are older and she thinks that she has a right to say whatever pops into your head. She’s commented on their appearance when they lost teeth (their ugly phase apparently), got glasses, too skinny, too much puppy fat, got braces (oh such a shame but at least you won’t look like this forever).

It’s disgusting. Now they are all teens, and her other grandkids, the children have barely any respect for her - rightly so, but a cost of her chipping away their self-esteem.

It was a silly comment and you were right to call her out on it, but being 'so sad' about it, and 'livid' is a total over reaction.

YANBU - but you handled it well. 'Dont say that Nanny. It isn't nice' is a perfect response to be modelling for your child. You don't need to teach her to be livid and respond more forcefully yet. Give her responses that she can use to Nanny and other people over the years . . .

It’s not now, it’s in years to come that it will affect them, it’s simple- just don’t comment on appearance end of story. No need for opinion no need for comment. My MIL and I have a good relationship with no eggshells I’m lucky, I’m purely protecting my daughter’s self esteem and will continue to do so in order for her to see herself in a positive light when she’s more aware of her body and how the world can be mean. To each their own but having read some of these stories I’m satisfied with how I’m handling it and reassured I’m doing the right thing with my partners backing.

Gosh I’m so sorry that’s awful. Just highlights the importance of what we say to our little ones. Thanks for sharing

It wasn’t one silly comment, it’s a thread of attitude and approach to feeling the need to comment on others bodies that is not necessary and having read this thread “one silly comment” said many times over time can be damaging so I’m happy to nip it in the bud

I still think you are over reacting

I think you need to get a grip OP. If you get so het up about the little things you’ll be exhausted dealing with issues that do matter . You might promote body confidence but your MIL doesn’t . I don’t like to see ribs either on a toddler and she should be allowed to think about her own body in years to come when older , if she chooses .

When? I would say forever. I would think it's the opposite. It's only recently people are intolerant of a comment on kids bodies. I don't think she should have said it and I agree best to nip it in the bud but honestly I don't think its worth getting upset about. She is slim, that's a good thing. I wish sometimes my GP or extended family had pointed out that DSis and I were gaining weight so we might have addressed the issue because we were being overfed at home and have had a lifetime of weight struggles. My parents seemed blind to it

The comment was aimed at you, she is saying that you aren’t adequately feeding your child.

God... your head would explode if you brought up a child in the country I live in.

Over here grandparents worrying that their grandchild is too skinny, and saying they should eat more is just a standard way of showing love/care.

Here, it isn't really a comment about their looks at all - but goes back to the idea that in the old days skinny/malnourished kids = at risk, so feed them up ,get a bit of meat on their bones etc.

Nothing about appearance at all.

I'm willing to bet that your MIL intended it similarly, and it wasn't about how she looks at all, but about just making a nurturing comment on keeping her healthy (and one that shouldn't be read as a criticism of the mother at all, but just a caring thing to say about the child)

incorrect I’m afraid. she sees she eats plenty and has even said so.

Ah that’s a shame you don’t “like” to see a toddlers ribs as they quite often do when they’re active, We all have different body make up and types and I know a lot of toddlers on the more lean side. My health visitor said she’s a perfect weight and had no concerns so that’s all the evidence I need that’s she’s perfect just as she is and she’s one of the lucky ones that can eat as much as she does and stay so slim.

Yet another reason to be happy I decided not to have children - I will never be a MIL and have to put up with this sort of nonsense.

You are being ridiculous.

@SquirrelGG Good job you didn’t if that’s your attitude.

Would it be acceptable for someone to comment on your appearance? You’re too fat, you’re too thin, what on earth are you eating, why do you look like that? You wouldn’t accept it. And if we are going to break the endless cycle of misogyny and not have another generation of kids with eating issues or body dysmorphia then shit like this needs to be called out and boundaries set.

@MWJC88 I don’t think most 2 year olds remember anything. It’s a modern day reaction and if you have MH issues, DD might learn from you, not mil.

incorrect. One of my friends has eating disorders because of comments made by her grandma growing up so there is proof it does affect them.

Eating disorders can be triggered by a number of factors including biological, psychological, social and cultural pressures, and life experiences. Eating disorders are far more common than many people think. Anything you can do to remove a potential trigger is worthwhile. It might not affect her in the future. But if it does, she will remember all those comments.