AIBU - Need perspective: Beavers requiring parental attendance after camp upset

[Pinkballoons55]

My DS is 7 and has attended Scouts from age 4 (Squirrels and now Beavers). He has always attended independently and has been on numerous off-site trips and activities without any issues.

Recently he attended an overnight camp for the first time. It started at 10am and the plan was for him to stay until midday the following day. By the evening he became extremely upset and distressed. In hindsight, I think he was completely overtired and overwhelmed after a full day of activities. He got upset and the leaders ended up calling us to collect him at around 8pm.

Nobody was hurt and there was no aggression, but he was very upset and apparently tried to run off when distressed, so the leaders had to stop him and send him home.

We've now received an email saying that for all upcoming off-site Beaver activities (three events over the next couple of months), one of his parents must attend alongside him. If neither parent can attend, he won't be allowed to take part.

The thing I'm struggling with is that these aren't overnight camps or all day events. They're normal Beaver activities within the local area (e.g. a park trip) of around an hour in length, which is what he's been doing successfully for years. This feels like quite a big restriction based on what I see as a one-off incident in unusual circumstances.

To add some context, we have just started looking into SEND assessments, so I'm very aware there may be things we're still learning about his needs. Part of me wonders if I'm being too emotional because I hate the idea of him being treated differently from the other children or excluded if we can't attend. I also worry that having a parent there when no other child does will make him feel singled out.

At the same time, I appreciate that the leaders have safeguarding responsibilities and may be looking at things from that perspective.

Has anyone had anything similar happen with Scouts, Guides etc? How did you handle it?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing other peoples thoughts because right now I'm too close to the situation to know whether my upset is clouding my judgement on whether this request from them is reasonable.

(But please be gentle!!!)

Just do as they ask. This is a voluntary organisation with volunteers not professional staff. All of our kids have been in scouting. I was a leader for years for our older children and now DH is because our son has autism. We both work full time but we felt that scouts was a great opportunity for our children and we wanted to capitalise on that.

Just go along it could be a really good opportunity to see how he is getting on and getting ahead of any issues he might be having. What you described could be a meltdown as much as it is just general overwhelm and you would get an opportunity to see this in action.

I missed this response. Great response @Pinkballoons55 I think this will be incredibly beneficial for your son. Our son’s troop is very inclusive but that is because the parents with differently able children do the work to make that happen. I have been at sports camps/summer camps with DS over the years until he can manage to make sure he is involved and can manage. That is just what you need to do.

This is purely from a safeguarding perspective. It doesn't matter if the activity is for an hour, all day or overnight, the leaders have a duty of care towards your son. Your son ran off because he was upset, and that now makes him unpredictable, even though it was one incident. It means that it could happen again. Of course it might not, but they, you and your son have absolutely no way of knowing that.

It's nothing at all against your son. It's not being done to make him appear different, it's to keep him safe. If they allowed him to go off-site, and he disappeared whilst in their care, who would you blame? The leaders, because it's their job to keep your son safe. They can't have eyes everywhere, it's impossible, and for his safety and to make sure they are following safeguarding guidance, they are asking a parent to attend with him.

I’m very aware that leaders are volunteers - I’ve been a cub leader for the last 15 years. And I can’t just do what I want without consequence - we have a set of policies that I must follow. If a parent is unhappy they can talk to the leaders, and take the mater further up the chain if not satisfied with the answer. Being inclusive where we possibly (and reasonably) can is very high on the list of priorities.

Of course parents can be asked to volunteer to help their own child - it’s a sensible approach if a child needs one-to-one help, in my opinion. Some groups may have a policy that you help in another section, but that’s up to them, and wouldn’t solve the problem that the OPs leaders have. In my opinion, it’s a barrier to parents volunteering if they have to attend on a different session to their child, and many parents would be against this. There are rules as to how often a parent can help without needing a DBS, but for the occasional trip out with a child who is a flight risk, asking the parent along to watch their child would be fine.

I havr a child in mainstrean primaty with mild SEN. I have to go on every school trip and he is also not allowed on their residential trips at all.
If they think your child needs extra adult support then obviously you have to go and be that person, they don't have enough staff to provide one to one support. And they are beavers, not school so don't have training or funding or ability to provide additional support.

It’s mostly run by parents volunteering so he’s not going to stand out. They can’t risk his or other children’s safety, be happy they have been proactive about it rather than allowing a mishap.

The blunt reality is your son has proven he can not be trusted to behave. SEN or not the risk this presents is the same. They don't want to take the risk that he does similar again, it doesn't matter if it's overnight or not he could do the same. Other children are compliant whether tired or not.

The people looking after him are volunteers, would it really harm you to help them with your own son? It won't ruin his experience and maybe he will understand this is a consequence of not behaving on the sleep over.

Just to say, I have ASD and ADHD, late diagnosed. If I were a child now then I would have been diagnosed as a child. I had no support growing up, at activities, home or school, and therefore was treated exactly the same as every other child and had the same experiences. I would have had a much better childhood, teenage years and likely adulthood as well if I had had extra support, you may see it as your DS being treated differently but try to see it as him getting the support he needs to be able to participate in and enjoy activities and be able to have a really good childhood that meets his needs.

I’ve been that parent. I had to go to a foreign country to accompany DD on her year 6 school trip or she wouldn’t have gone, due to her ADHD and anxiety. I’ve had to lean in more closely on things, talk to teachers and cubs leaders and parents and she has been treated differently and I’ve had to be much more physically present for various things. But, everyone was kind, they all knew DD’s issues as the children told their parents and everyone was supportive and sympathetic, and, depending on where she was at, I was either fully involved or just in the vicinity. I’ve just been up front about it, lots of wry smiles exchanged, and cracked on. She’s much better now, so it wasn’t a permanent state, just needed to be there at certain points.

Goodness this is such an unhelpful comment! I'm not sure any response I give would be suitable given the assumptions you've chosen to make so I'll just say that I'm sorry you felt offended and felt the need to post this. Hope you have a wonderful day!

He's very disruptive in the class, wanting to make people laugh so acts up, shouts out etc. He gets very defensive and emotional when questioned on anything or if something doesn't go his way. He can't sit still. He doesn't deal with change well.
At home this is the same, he is so sensitive - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. When he has full undivided attention and he isn't hungry or tired... he can be absolutely amazing to be around. But those moments are rare

Is he still like this @Pinkballoons55 ?

Thanks everyone for the comments - especially those sharing similar experiences! Really helpful stuff in here (in-between a few not-so-helpful posts but I guess that is the nature of mumsnet isnt it!!)

Turning off notifications now. Hope you all have a nice day!

Your child has proven he’s a flight risk. It’s completely understandable they require you to be with him going forward. Parents complaining about things like this makes people want to stop VOLUNTEERING to run Scouts etc.