Did you leave or scale back a demanding career after children?

[Cheeseonacrumpet]

Did any of you Mumsnetters have a “Big Job” prior to having children, then either quit or scale back or change direction entirely after becoming a parent?

I have a career I’ve worked hard for. It’s not flexible and doesn’t combine well with young children. I currently resent it and am growing to hate it. I want to reduce my hours as much as possible just to keep my hand in whilst the children are young, but I don’t want to look back and regret this. I don’t want to regret not doing it either. Husband is supportive of whatever I decide to do - is also wary that I may regret either decision, I think.

Looking to hear the wisdom of parents of older children please.

Your children have one childhood. Think about when you're 60 and children grown up. Will you regret having spent time with them or regret not having worked a lot?

I cut back and stepped down. When the children went to high school, I stepped back on to the career ladder and am now, 5-6 years later, back where I was.

I've regretted it at times, but looking back now, it was the right path for me. My children are very close in years and I would have really struggled if I'd stayed where I was. And those years were precious. I'm glad I got to spend so much of it with them.

Or do it the other way round. Have the big job early on. I'm 62 and my ds is 17.

My career (in IT) was between 22 and 45, then eased back to a lower work level to raise ds and have time for him.

Worked full time until I returned to work for about 6 months after maternity leave with my youngest and then I quit altogether!
It wasn’t a job I could scale back, there wasn’t a tonne of flexibility so it just became harder and less worth it.

Yes. DD was incredibly unhappy at nursery so I became a SAHM. At the time I was in the better paid job.

I then worked in school hours jobs for a few years before going full time when DD was late juniors.

My old job spec changed massively over the years so I could not have gone back had I wanted to.

I am now happy in a stress free low grade job.

I was forced to cut back, leave my job and take another which I hated due to childcare costs.

I simply couldn’t afford it but actually after years of infertility and loss I didn’t want to put my wee fella into childcare Monday to Friday 7am til 6pm every day. I wanted him all to myself.

So I took a job that was evenings and weekends and a considerable downgrade in status ( same pay as my big job).

I had worked extremely hard over many years to get to the level I was in my big job. It was a wrench.
Anyway, I went back to it, same place, when the time was right for me, very similar job role, was welcomed back with open arms actually.

It’s fine, I’ve migrated through several jobs and now, it’s better than I could ever have imagined.

I managed fine with 1 DC but didn’t see him very much, he got on well at nursery and being my first I didn’t really knwo what I was missing.

Things really changed after I had my second, whilst I was on my maternity leave I spent much more time with my first as I dropped his nursery days, when we increased them back to full time when I went back the difference in his behaviour was huge and I didn’t like that. My 2nd also didn’t take well to nursery at all. She would barely eat, wouldn’t engage, wouldn’t cling onto me from as soon as I got home to as soon as I left again. This wasn’t a bad nursery it was a great one she just would very much have preferred to be with me all the time.

I tried going very part time, 2.5 days a week. I was amazed that my work agreed. My daughter slowly began to settle in nursery and I got to spend lots of time with my son before he started school. But my role changed and that wasn’t what I trained for or was capable of doing so I left.

Now I run my own business from home doing my professional job. I do roughly 3 days a week. The income is very variable (sometimes I earn significantly more than I did in practice, sometimes less) I get to carry on growing and using my skills and my brain in a way that fits around the needs of the family and touch wood I’ve had some lovely clients. Overall it works really well. It just comes with more financial risk.

No absolutely not, we both had big jobs, we worked together as a team to make it work, and of course children are young for only a short period, you’re a parent for a lifetime hopefully, so the role model and financial benefits of working are a huge part of the bigger picture in terms of lifestyle and privileges for your child as they grow up,

Can I ask what sector or job this is?

I did. My job was completely incompatible with children (think no time off in March, April, August, end of the month).
I was really sad, it was a huge part of my identity. It was without a doubt the best thing for my children. Worst thing for me, mentally, financially and career wise.

would I do it again, yes but I’d plan it better (first was a suprise!) with a decent back up plan.

I haven’t scaled back. I condensed my hours so I do mon, tues, thurs and fri 7-5 and have a Wednesday off. I stopped working shifts and took a more family friendly role in the organisation. If I’m honest though all though I am on same money I have lost the drive to go higher so in that sense my ambition has gone. I would have liked to have gone part time but we couldn’t afford the wage drop. In fairness my husband has also changed his hours and has said he has no intention of side moves or promotion while our daughter is little as we have a good work life balance. So the effects on our careers have been similar.

Ooh I left a “big job” entirely 7 years sahm. Set up own business when dd2 started school which was entirely flexible round kids.

Little business doing pretty well now earn more than and I did at the Big Job. And more than dh now actually!

Yes, I think that perhaps flexibility is the key. Like you, I also completed my PhD post children - that bit was easier in a practical sense as I had a lot of autonomy. Plus, like you say, it is easier before they start school.

Unfortunately, my career doesn’t really offer any flexibility, and my husband is in a similar role. I have always been passionate about the actual job. What I’m hating is the fact that it takes me away from family time more than I feel comfortable with. I’m struggling with that, and have been for quite a while, but need to look longer term as well.

When I'm 60 I'll be glad I am retiring with an excellent pension and able to financially support myself.

Is it the kind of job you be self employed for OP?

Yes. Was earning £100k at age 30. Had my first child at 32 and never went back. Why? Because I wanted to leave on a high. I wanted to keep my reputation intact. I wanted to know it would always be there if I ever did want to return.

As it happens I had an extended mat leave (until they started school) and then got a min wage job with a great location, fantastic hours and still fairly challenging. No regrets here. I don’t work weekends, I don’t travel away from home and I have don’t feel constantly stressed or failing at everything.

If you manage to have a demanding career and be a good (present) mother at the same time then great. Noone is forced to have kids. If my career had been important to me yo the point that I wasn't willing to take some years off/go pt in order to be present for my children I wouldn't have had children. Many don't and I command their decision as it's not selfish to not have kids- it's selfish (and cruel) to have kids and not be willing to make any sacrifices jobwise- and that goes for both parents.

This is a good question. My big job is flexible, as I can work from home 2 days a week, but three are commuting. I can work around the kids to a degree, such as I start at 9.30am and finish at 5pm core hours, and then log back in after bedtime. I’ve managed to make a lot of the nursery shows, little sports days, Mother’s Day teas etc. However I’m just finding it so stressful, there’s little down time as sometimes I’m working til 11pm and some travel. I fantasise about quitting, but the salary is good, and I don’t want to regret stepping out and never getting back. Also no clue if I’d be crazy to trade this flexibility but long hours for shorter hours but less pay and possibly less flexibility

Also is anyone focusing on the long game a bit? Mine are very little now, pre school. If I can keep this up, I just think I can be around a lot more later on, afford opportunities for them like house deposits, any hobbies they want to do, private school, long holidays etc.

I've kept mine going while having kids (eldest almost 10). Has been reasonably high stress, but is well paid and I'm at a level I can be quite flexible.

As my pension can basically look after itself now, I am looking to pay down the mortgage over the next few years and potentially scale back to be around more in the high school years.

I had a “big job” with lots of money and responsibility, stress and long hours. Had planned to return p/t after mat leave and was quite sure I could handle it all thank you very much.

Then I found I was having twins, had a horrific pregnancy, and we all nearly died in childbirth. I recovered but both babies had problems, and my employer refused my request to work p/t. F/t was impossible so I gave up my career intending to return when they started school.

I never went back for various reasons related to their SEN. I have over the years done some small bits of consultancy here and there which reminded me what I gave up.

I now find myself trapped in an unhappy marriage with no independence, no freedom, no money, no career prospects, no pension, and intensely sad when I think about what I gave up.

OTOH I had no choice and it was the best decision for the children.

@LycheeFizz1972 so sorry to hear that. I think SEN takes a lot of the choice off the table, as they need more support. I don’t think I could sustain a career with children with SEN. The childcare options aren’t there also. Hope you manage to work it out

Do you ask this of men with careers and children, or do you think it’s only relevant to mothers with demanding jobs, not those silly, deluded career daddies?

I was a teacher before I had children but newly qualified and only actually worked for a year. I left to have my son and don’t plan to ever go back. I found it incredibly stressful and it took over my whole life. I was already thinking it probably wasn’t for me long term and now after having children I can’t imagine how I would ever cope with teaching and being a mum. I know people do and good for them but I know my own limitations and I couldn’t. I do plan to go back to work when my children are older but it will be something different.

I think school age with the logistics of activities and school holidays becomes much harder to manage. That combined with them being exhausted from school, trying to learn to read and navigate friendships etc. Unless they’re at a private school where the day is longer and they can do everything there but even that doesn’t work so well with a 4yo.

It depends so much on the child!