Parents just ‘using’ the grandparents

[Twilighthour]

So when I was a child we would go
and see our grandparents or they would come and see us rather in the same
way you may go and see a family friend and as grandchildren this was fine and we looked forward to the visits whether they be once a year or more frequently depending on what was going on with everyone’s lives.
Why is it that parents these days seem to expect so much of the grandparents, sounds like a really onerous task to be a grandparent these days with such expectations, whereas I always thought being a grandparent was meant to be the grandchildren popping around with posies chocolates and cuddles after years spent slogging it out as a parent and you both just enjoying spending a bit of time together

I agree, I wasn’t “looked after” by either set of my grandparents and my children haven’t ever been either. We see each set of grandparents weekly but it’s a visit together. I think it all depends on what you’ve been used to growing up, my partner for example was looked after a lot by his grandmother as a child so he thinks it’s bizarre that I don’t want them babysitting all the time so we can go out!

I’ve found that with your younger children, our parents much less involved than with the older grandchildren but then that has tallied with them getting older and more infirm themselves. Although you do naturally wonder whether it’s also the novelty having worn off a bit 🤣

I think you’re right, it depends on what has seemed normal in your own family and when that’s been visiting your grandparents for Sunday lunch each week and having a lovely time all together but the grandparents not taking in a major parenting role, these parents who complain do seem incredibly entitled

Your OP started with reference to your own grandparents. Your OP invited the comparison other posters are making, by setting up exactly that comparison.

My grandmother had me everyday so that my mum could return to work when I was 4 months old. My grandmother was still working herself as a school cleaner and used to take me along in the pram, or my uncle and his girlfriend looked after me.

When my brother was born when I was 2.5 my mum stopped work, so then my grandmother didn't do childcare any more, but I still stayed with her for a week or so about 3 times a year. (Just me, not my brother).

My mum had my youngest for one day a week between the ages of 1 - 4, and then did school pick-up and tea once a week until my children were all out of primary school.

My in-laws have never been interested in my kids, but looked after their cousin everyday after school throughout primary school, including doing two school runs a day, a 40-minute round trip from their house.

DM flatly refused to babysit her two DGC aged 10 when they were asleep upstairs in her own house. (I, aunty, jumped in an uber).

In their time DM sent us, their DC, on many hols with our DGPs while she & DF holidayed alone.

Some take from the generation above and take from the generation below.

Not many, luckily.

Neither, my parents are great and would give support if I asked but then they also know I wouldn’t ask unless I really needed it/ an emergency.
Most of my parent friends are quite reasonable people but I do come across many on here that are extremely entitled and some in real life too, there’s not much they don’t complain about.
You do sound a very naturally angry person tbh, no less a bit of a martyr with the whole giving birth thing, having had a wonderful experience having home births for all of mine, the thought of medical intervention is a lot scarier to me than being mainly left alone to be quite honest (other than someone being around to let me know if baby was getting distressed/had the skills to resuscitate if necessary etc) was very thankful didn’t end up needing any assistance

I sound like a martyr for giving birth alone? Is that what you mean? Wow. It wasn't intended. I was absolutely terrified, I was in a lot of pain, I had always said I wanted an epidural. I wouldn't wish that aloneness on anyone.

My first post described my own experience, as evidence that you were making mistaken generalisations. Being called resentful, when I feel so much joy that I've built such a good life for myself, did bother me a bit. I've been told here that I'm a bad mother for not cutting my own mother off, for being too tolerant and accommodating of her, because she is so abusive, so I'm told. So it takes me aback to hear I also resent her not caring for my kids.

Do you think, maybe, your OP made some silly generalisations? And then, maybe, you misread my experience as something I resent, because of other stuff you've read on here? And then maybe misread me giving birth alone as me choosing to give birth alone? And then said something pretty horrible (martyr) about me getting through one of the scariest moments of my life?

Fwiw, I'm genuinely glad you have people you can call on in an emergency, and that the parents you know in real life aren't the entitled and resentful parents you dislike.

I don't see what I've posted that earned me being called resentful, a martyr, and a naturally angry person. But, hey, I've been called worse.

I agree OP. I love my grandchildren and love spending time with them. But i also know I am expected to provide childcare which I do but it means I have a different relationship with my grandchildren than my parents and in laws had with my child.
My parents and in laws never looked after my children. Also there were very few grandparents at school pick up when my children were young now half the adults at pick up time are grandparents.

I think I’ve made it quite clear I don’t have a problem with arrangements families have happily made among themselves, I have colleagues who have genuinely been happy to provide childcare. What I do have a problem with is those parents who talk disparagingly of their parents for simply not offering or agreeing to the same or who they don’t consider enthusiastic enough grandparents. There are plenty of threads on here from such parents, I’m not going to screenshot them all to send you, you can just do basic search and you’ll find them

Yes, there’s been a lot in the news recently as well about it, I think ageism plays a large part of younger parents expectations. There was much more respect for older people when I was younger but now the attitude almost seems to be ‘it’s the least boomers can do’ obviously not every young parent has that view and I know many who don’t but there are a surprising number who do. It will be interesting if this generation end up as keen once they become grandparents

What you are thinking of is a small blip in time.

For most of human history the elderly generation have been very involved in raising children (obviously mostly grandmothers) - they have taken an incredibly active role helping new mothers and taking part of the childcare/household burden in multi-generational homes.

Then you get a small window from the mid 20th century to the start or the 21st century where our ideas of "retirement" come from. During this time the burden on middle-class families was much easier, often with one parent at home, or one parent part time. Life had fewer requirements and was "simpler" than now, so parents simply didn't require grandparents as much. Combine that with the end of multi-generational living thanks to pensions and care services growing, as well as the increased amount of disposable income that elderly people were amassing, and you get the idea that retirement = care-free and relaxing.

Now though things are slightly (slowly) shifting backwards. Grandparents (middle class+) still have plenty of money and time, but parents (in general) have more demanding work schedules, less disposable money, and are struggling more. As a result they are looking around and seeing their grandparents as a solution to managing the demands of life, work and child raising.

This isn't a new thing though, its the exact opposite, its going backwards. Back to the norm of the middle generation needing help from the elderly generation.

I just posted on another thread about intergenerational living + dependency... but in general be prepared, because it is coming back. As the population ages, and unless something amazing happens with the economy, we are going to see more parents needing more help, and (not yet) soon we see the government demand more from children in terms of caring for their elderly parents, as care services become increasingly unaffordable. So the depressing perspective is that the 20th century idea of a relaxed free retirement where everyone is independent and no one needs each other (in either direction) may end up just being the exception, rather than the new societal rule.

Interestingly in my experience it’s been the other way round, grandparents not wanting to do anything at all to help because ‘they’ve done their time’. (Not a problem, we’re fine muddling along ourselves).

Everything required to build a relationship has been on us, one set live 2 miles away and the other 7 miles away, they will not see the grandchildren unless we visit them (all perfectly well and capable of abroad holidays, being out and about). We even had a car accident on the way to visit them and we were just sent a text saying to let them know when we’ve got new car seats / hire car so we can go again!

My experience is a bit different too. I think part of the reason some grandparents are less involved today is simply that people become grandparents later in life. My grandmother became a grandmother in her 50s, whereas my mum became one in her late 60s. Energy levels make a difference.

I also think we've lost something important that previous generations had: community. When I was growing up, going to my grandma's house was a treat. I'd get snacks, watch TV, play games, and get thoroughly spoiled. Grandparents weren't expected to provide regular childcare.

At the same time, there were far more people involved in raising children. I remember my grandmother giving advice (and sometimes criticism) to a mother dealing with a tantrum at a bus stop. That would be unthinkable today. Whether you agreed with it or not, there was a sense that children were everyone's concern.

Now you're largely on your own. Family members are busy, neighbours keep to themselves, and nobody wants to interfere. The government acts as though it's doing families a huge favour with free childcare hours, but that's mostly so parents can go to work. It isn't the same as having a real support network around you.

I think that's the bigger change. We've gone from a society where children were raised within a community to one where parents are expected to manage everything themselves. That's not normal, and it's no surprise that people are struggling with it.

Child of the 70s here. This generation of GP is different. My parents have passed, sadly, but my MIL retired at 50 (big civil service and teacher pensions) and FIL retired at 62 on another amazing defined benefit pension. They are in full health, relatively wealthy for pensioners, have nothing to do except take luxury holidays and get their entire house and garden professionally renovated every few years. I absolutely love them, and we try not to take advantage of them but they do love looking after our dc in the holidays and taking them for day trips and whatnot.

Contrast my own GP. They didn’t retire on big pensions in full health. Remember that few people in the past would have enjoyed a long and happy retirement.

My Grandad had been badly injured by gas and battle in WW2 and needed permanent care by my poor old gran who had had to run the family shop to keep them afloat in the post-war years. He died when I was small and anyway men of that era didn’t do childcare, so of course no question of him helping out.

By the time grandad died, myGran was knackered out and whilst she adored me and my db, it was very much a case of my mum going to look after her in her 60s onwards, no question of my gran ever babysitting.

Even if my gran had been energetic enough, Gran couldn’t drive, that’s one problem common to the working class women of her generation. She lived in the next town over so it would’ve been a bus ride to come and help in an emergency.

So - yes, my relationship with my gran did consist of gathering wildflowers for my grandad’s grave, making jam, baking cakes and making crafty things from leftover wool and Christmas wrapping paper. But I don't romanticise that like you do. My gran couldn’t and wouldn’t do more - she was a stubborn old battle axe who had lived an astonishingly hard life. Her reward was her unfaltering faith in God and a hope that I would grow up and get a good education and live in peace, which thankfully I have.

I don’t judge GP for wanting to forego the dubious pleasures of being very involved in the lives of the GC, I also don’t compare them to irrelevant circumstances of 40 years ago.

I wonder how that will play out with people having children at older ages, working later etc. Some people do definitely need help due to illness etc but much of the stress parents are under today is self inflicted due to lifestyle aspiration, intensive parenting, anxiety etc. The expectation that grandparents will play a major role without there being an exceptional reason is already causing friction in some family relationships and the ones who will lose out will be the children (and grandparents) as for the children they don’t care who does the nitty gritty as long as its being done but its the Sunday lunches, weekend walks, trips to museums/parks with grandparents, the odd holiday sleepover when we were older, birthdays, christmases etc and that time spent together all as a family that many of us have the most special memories of our grandparents. Some parents are up for not letting there children have that because they don’t consider it ‘enough’ so they would rather their children have nothing at all

We’re really lucky we live in quite a vibrant community with lots of young parents so there is quite a lot going on and mutual support, lots of people volunteer to run scouts, brownies, school clubs etc and the local nursery and childminders are really good. Children go out to play and adults will look out for the kids in the village. I do agree it’s sad families are much more dispersed now as we would like nothing more
than to just invite my mum over for Sunday lunch/pop over to hers, I would happily do the school run 1-2 days a week for niece's/nephews and my children would love that too