Parents just ‘using’ the grandparents

[Twilighthour]

So when I was a child we would go
and see our grandparents or they would come and see us rather in the same
way you may go and see a family friend and as grandchildren this was fine and we looked forward to the visits whether they be once a year or more frequently depending on what was going on with everyone’s lives.
Why is it that parents these days seem to expect so much of the grandparents, sounds like a really onerous task to be a grandparent these days with such expectations, whereas I always thought being a grandparent was meant to be the grandchildren popping around with posies chocolates and cuddles after years spent slogging it out as a parent and you both just enjoying spending a bit of time together

It is a sentiment I hear quite a bit among younger parents in real life though, the underlying resentment that their parents or particularly in laws don’t do enough or they see another grandchild slightly more etc, they’re seeing some grandparents who are quite intense in their involvement or maybe had intensely involved grandparents themselves and and have built up this sense of entitlement based on that. I’m not talking about family helping each other out even when absolutely needed or ‘washing their hands of’ as some people put it. What I’m referring to is parents not acknowledging the freedom their own parents should have once they themselves have become adults. I’m raising young children myself and know it’s hard work, I’m still up countless times with my toddler every single night then am getting up for work in a few minutes. I’m so grateful for workplace family friendly policies, maternity leave, carers leave, my partner’s support when he isn’t working ( he does more than full time) for baby changing rooms in public places etc, all these things I’d fully campaign for and are so important to be to survive parenthood but some parents do just seem to moan about everything and anything and don’t even seem to see their parents as individuals who deserve to be valued and have their own lives to lead and perhaps were looking forward to a time without childcare responsibilities

That was your experience.

My experience growing up? My grandparents picked me up from.school daily and gave me dinner. I also spent every Saturday night and all summer holidays at theirs.

DH and his THREE siblings all spent all day Saturday and Sunday (not overnight but they lived round the corner) at his grandparents. They obviously had clubs and hobbies etc but basically the grandparents ferried them around and fed them etc. Parents had every weekend to themselves.

My parents unfortunately are very ill and cannot help with my 2 year old. But they would have loved to help raise him.

I would never ask or expect my parents or in laws to look after the kids regularly. We had kids knowing it wasn’t fair on them to do so. My SIL had them at one point look after her kids one day a week and it left them absolutely shattered. They worked hard their whole lives and deserve a rest. Yeah the loved having the kids but I would never do it to them (extremely healthy people in their early 70’s).

My gran looked after me and my brother and sister full time until we started school, and for weeks at a time during school holidays.

My mother has looked after my kids 4 times since my first was born 8 years ago, for 2-3 hours each time. One of those times was when I was in labour with my second.

My in laws have never looked after my kids, not for so much as10 min while I had a shower.

@Twilighthour your generalisations don't apply to me. Very much the other way round for my family.

Depends on what the GPs are happy to do. We as GPs offered childcare one day a week from when our GDs were babies. We weren’t asked but we offered as I know that time spent with children when little helps build a relationship. Now they are older we maybe see them two or three times a week just for a few hours either at ours or theirs but we live nearby. I don’t think it should be one way and it is parents duty to bring children over to see GPs with gifts. That sounds a bit transactional. We help out our DDs and DGDs but similarly they would help us if needed.

Your experience of your grandparents is far different to my experience of both sets of mine in the 80s. We saw ours every day. They were as much a part of our upbringing as our parents were. The same as my husband. And the same relationship my son enjoys with his grandparents.

This certainly wasn’t the case for me! My mum is dead and my dad showed zero interest in my kids despite me offering and suggesting to meet up/ go out/ do activities together as a family.

He literally wasn’t interested at all. So you saying people are using grandparents is a bit nonsense to me considering the complete lack of any care or support I had!

Oh and ironically I spent 3 days a week and all summer holidays at my grandparents when I was a kid so my parents most certainly benefitted from that when I was young.

We don't need child care but my parents love the grandkids and will call for them to go down for the day or night or pop in to take them for walks etc. I never want or need to ask for help..They go because they love grandad and grandma and are very much loved back. 4 of them stayed at weekend other times they go one on one but all done from love

If it’s genuinely the case that the grandparents are more than happy to do that then that’s fine, I’m just saying there is nothing wrong if a grandparent doesn’t want to have such an intense level of involvement, it’s not their duty and shouldn’t be expected

I can understand in a minority of cases like yours being upset about a complete lack of involvement or interest from the grandparents, especially when all you want to do is spend some time with them while you maintain the responsibility for your children

The point I’ve been making exactly … that today’s parents seem to resent it if the grandparents aren’t falling over themselves to babysit. I don’t mind looking after my own children but caring for someone else’s children is totally different

I don’t really agree either, I think you get good and bad as with anything BUT these reasons are all very valid for the ‘bad’ of the group!
FWIW I don’t ask anything of either my mum or my husbands parents, never have. Well, I’ve asked for a handful of nights babysitting from both sides so DH and I can go to a few weddings (tend to take the kids for the day then bring them home, sometimes I go back and so need a babysitter then… but sometimes I just stay home and let DH make his own way back!) a single proper date night… and one night away in four years 😂
I take my children to see their grandparents or they come to visit at least once a week, DH and I each have one grandparent left so I take the kids to see them every few weeks, they often have drawings or flowers or some other little presents for them and it’s a lovely time all round. It’s very similar to the relationship I had with my grandmother when I was a child, once a week she’d visit and it wasn’t for any other purpose than for us to all spend some time together, she’s so precious to us all, then and now.
I just think all families are different in their own ways. If a family relies more on a grandparent for childcare etc it can’t be a surprise given how family life has changed over the years.

Work, money, relationships, everything is very very different to how it was decades or generations ago. It’s incomparable. The past is a different country! And so people are different.

But that wasn't my point at all?

One of my nanas looked after me as a baby so my mum could go back to work. This was in the 70s. I'd spend a month there every summer throughout my childhood
My other nana also looked after me. I used to go to hers for lunch every day because she lived close to my school. She also looked after some of my cousins.

I think that grandparents now are not usually as involved

@Twilighthour oh wait, do you think I resent that my kids grandparents aren't falling over themselves to babysit?

If so, not at all. I would be very wary of leaving my kids with my mother, especially when they were very young. There's a reason my gran looked after us so much when we were kids. Have a wee think to yourself about that.

And my in laws live so far away it just hasn't been possible for them to babysit.

I have no resentment at all on that front. I do resent being classed as entitled and resentful just because I'm one of "today's parents". I've given birth alone - completely alone, no midwife, no husband, no pain relief - and am fine even with that. I'm actually happy about it, because fuck me aren't I amazing. I've had no help, I need no help, I want no help. I have a fair bit of contempt for the parents, of any generation, who needs vast amounts of help from others.

But you're very much mistaken if you think I'm resentful when I point out that not all of "today's parents" get or expect anything from their kids grandparents.

Families all vary.

When I was a child my GP never looked after me at all. In fact I can’t recall ever being with them on my own without my parents also being there. I never really felt as if so knew them well at all.

Now that I’m a parent I guess history is repeating itself a bit. We were older parents so 2/4 GP were already dead before DS was born. The 2 surviving ones were late 70’s when he was born and are early 80’s now as DS is 5. They’ve never offered any assistance at all despite living locally however due to their age I didn't really expect them to.

They aren’t at all active in DS’s life in large part because they have other adult GC and feel they’ve done their GP duties and don’t want to go through it all again.

The end result is that DS doesn’t really know them.

I think all families are different, I spent a lot of time with both sets of grandparents as a child as both my parents worked full time, my mum said my grandparents always offered? My nana lived 5 hours away and would take a week or two off in the summer holidays to have me and we’d have so much fun doing all sorts.

They also see my children a lot and also offer to have them, take then for days out, my siblings also always take them on days out also.

I saw my nana multiple times a week, she babysat us so much mum could work, do driving lessons, go out. When my nana died my auntie stepped into that role and I think I actually lived with her for a period.
My grandma had my cousin live with her and had all her grandkids over all the time for sleepovers or providing childcare.

So no, my experience of grandparents is that they provided a high level of care and support to their grandchildren.

My in-laws haven't seen my kids since before Christmas, but they have fallen out with us. My dad hasn't seen my kids since Christmas, didn't even send a card for either of their birthdays. My mum does see us a lot maybe every other week. But only for fun stuff. She doesn't provide any amount of care or babysitting. We haven't had a single child free moment since youngest was born 2 years ago.

I wouldn't trust any of them with my kids anyway though so I guess it's fortunate they haven't offered. Ours are the youngest by far on DHs side so his parents are done being grandparents to children as far as they're concerned I think .

I am one of today’s parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ you very clearly do have an ambivalence about your mother as a person anyway, possibly justified from your childhood from what you imply. There are lots of reasons why a woman may give birth alone, by choice or otherwise. You do sound very resentful about life in general

I’m not sure what you hope from this thread as you seem to be searching for a scenario that isn’t really there. Yes you get the odd parent who’s struggling and needs wants to rant about seeing other GPs helping. But generally it’s not really the case

my GPs looked after a me a bit when my mum and dad worked. But we also had visits to see them without any expectations and they would come to see us for dinner or something. This happens now too. We don’t rely on them for childcare but they do offer so sometimes Tod a day or two in the holidays or if we have booked a night out. But it’s not that often. We also do days out with them, them to us and us to them for dinner and walks and normal family things.

some families around us do have more GPs doing school pick ups etc but it’s not loads and as far as I know everyone seems happy.

you sound a bit jealous yourself OP and comparing yourself to people with different lifestyles and holidays. So what if people have holidays?! They’re GPs may love helping and having the kids and if that means the parents can save a bit more to give the kids a holiday or for parents to have a break then everyone’s happy.

there are some comments in your posts that remind me of some GP threads. The ones that say “it’s as if the men don’t exist” on repeat. And goading and moan in about “entitlement”.

it sounds like the majority of people on the thread enjoy helping or have opposing experiences.

I don’t think many parents are that resentful though. Some maybe but I don’t think it’s a thing?

I think the point more recent posters are missing is that my post was about current parents resentment of grandparents who are not as involved and ‘helpful’ as they would like. It is very clear in these posts that resentment is burning strong because they feel like their grandparents were more involved. However my point was nothing about their grandparents at all, who lived in a totally different time, life, often locality etc. When I was a child or speak to my mother there wasn’t that expectation among her generation, some grandparents were very involved but no one would of dreamed of complaining about their parents the way today’s young parents seem to and certainly not going non contact etc

All the anger in my tone is directed at you for your generalisations and assumptions. I feel amazed and overjoyed at the life I have now, considering the childhood I had.

Yeah, there are lots of reasons women give birth alone, my point is just that I didn't even expect support then, never mind at less vulnerable moments.

Why do you have so much contempt for your own generation of parents? Do you feel embarrassed by how much you rely on your parents? Or are you the only parent you know who doesn't rely on grandparents?

I think we just live too far from the grandparents. Can’t afford London, so moved out of it… but that means childcare is difficult and needing a lot of clubs/babysitters instead. (MIL&FIL don’t drive so can’t come down often)
back in the day, I remember I was 5mins from my grandparents and was around all the time. My mum worked part time, but now I’m full time. So hard!