I don’t want to go back to work and miss my babies childhood….

[wandoqebu]

As the heading reads, I’m only going back two days but will eventually have to be five. How do parents manage going to work. My baby is in childcare for one day a week and it’s fine because it’s one day, but I miss the whole day. Basically home-time is bath dinner bed. I can not imagine this being the only time I spend with her five days a week. There has to be another way!!!
I know I’ll kick myself looking back and missing this but I simply can not afford to live without two incomes. What do people do?

It just depends what you can afford as a family really. I work 3 days a week now with 2 babies, currently on my second mat leave, because we can afford for me to do that. One of my friends couldn’t afford to drop income so does 5 days condensed into 4 so 4 longer days but then an extra day off every week with no loss of pay, she’d rather have that one extra full day than have the small chunks of time every day which works for her. Lots of parents have to go back full time and it just is what it is.

I dropped my hours to part time (80%). I work 5 days but finish earlier so i can do school and nursery pick up.

But tbh i also need my space from them and enjoy working.

Is there an option for 4 days? I did want to work 5 days as would have hardly any time with my DCs, but 4 days is a good compromise as gives enough time to be able to do my job and progress, but also I get one weekday with my toddler and flexibility for school runs and activities a couple of days a week for my eldest.

You have no choice you say

i only had 2 months mat leave with my second

totally loving bonded relationship

you are very attached how are your other relationships? Keep them strong too don't neglect

I did (and still do) compressed hours - 5 days work in 4.

Otherwise you just get on with it and make the most of the time you do have. It's quality of time, not quantity.

I do 5 in 4 and so does DH we also try and work it so one goes in early and the other finishes late so there's one of us at home to pick up, cook dinner etc on the middle 3 days. I also enjoy my job, it's good for me from an intellectual perspective and I think it's good for DC to see both parents working, in addition to the financial benefits it brings

3 days compressed?. I work 0.75FTE.

But in answer to your question of how do parents manage. If there is no other choice then they do what is best for their family and if that means working 5 days a week, that's what they have to do.

You do what you think is best.

For me my role doesnt exist PT. If you asked to go pt it would be declined and you'd just be managed out (but is highly paid).

If I resigned and took 3 years out I would never get back in to the industry again.

I spend high quality time with my children in the morning and evening and weekends and put them in a high quality childcare environment. They are with an excellent Childminder who does tonnes with them.

I accept its a juggle and know that my plan / strategy will allow me to present from 9/10 as they transition to secondary and teen years.
That's the right strategy for me.

If you want to quit or go part time because it works better do it.
Its hard all round tbh and most women are making compromises.

Providing financially for your child is part of being a parent.
You aren't missing their childhood. As they get older you'll have more time in the evenings and you have weekends.

You focus on the long term - ten, twenty years ahead, and consider what is best for your DCs over that entire period. Don’t focus on the here and now.

Think do I want my kids to be supported to go to uni/play an expensive sport/experience the world. Or do I want to do messy play on a Thursday afternoon.

Going back to work when your DC are small is a choice. You balance that choice with the lifestyle you'd be able to lead on reduced income.

I do know a mother who took this seriously, moved to a smaller home in a less good area, never went on holiday, bought everything secondhand and loved every minute of time with her DC. Then she gradually returned to work as they got older.

Most people prefer maintaining their lifestyle and missing their DC - that is fine too. I think it's helpful to own your decisions and recognise the tradeoffs.

You’re not missing her childhood - you live with her! Most parents have to work, it’s just the way it is. Take one day at a time and see how you feel.

Four kids here and always worked full time. They hardly even remember the years spent in childcare, but it meant that we were able to give them a nice house, have a holiday abroad every year, food on the table and never wanted for anything. It's a choice. I missed them terribly when I was at work but they played and made mess and got outside and had the best time at their daycare. When it came to school time they were so well adjusted as were used to a childcare setting!

As a poster said above OP, it’s all about the trade off.

When I had my children I reduced my hours to 25 a week for the same reasons you have said and we just had to cut back on our spending.

It meant we didn’t have as many holidays, we didn’t have as many expensive days out, we had take-outs less often, our social lives bore the brunt, we didn’t spend money on the frivolous stuff as we usually would have done (books, massages, perfumes, clothes, hair cuts, make-up, nights out at the pub, Costa etc), we didn’t travel about as much so as to spend less money on on petrol, we didn’t put as much money into our savings each month etc etc but it was totally worth it. It was 5 years of small sacrifices before building up hours again when the children started school.

You are being very dramatic. I work 35 hours, I am the sole earner, and I haven´t missed my daughter´s childhood, fgs. So I make most of the mornings and afternoons/evenings. I am the one who takes her to school and picks her up. You just get on with it and so do they. I am very close to my daughter.

I did this too. Worked really well. I’m in a senior role and I was lucky to be able to do this.

I worked 3 days a week when they were pre school, and my mum had them one day so they were only in childcare 2 days. This also cut down the cost of nursery and have twins so it was £££ all at once.

I also took a lot of parental leave unpaid. Look this up if you don’t know about it.

I had my 3 quite close and reduced hours after each. When I had 3 preschoolers I was SAHP and then gradually started to work again as they started school but did not work FT until they were secondary school. For me, my career was not affected( in NHS) and I became a higher grade eventually than I ever planned to be. Originally I think being there as much as you can when they are little gives them a very secure grounding. They will not remember it but I still wanted to be there.

After DS I went back full time 5 days a week to save for our next child. After DD, I went back 30 hours a week - 6 hours for 5 days a week to work around DS school times. I'm currently in this phase - with the plan to drop a few more hours when DD attends school (although not sure that is likely right now)

Some people say its a choice to go back but in reality, if I hadn't have gone back we would have been living a dull life, one of which I hadn't imagined for my children. Only just covering the mortgage and food. No access to a car or even enough money for a bus pass for me to go out and do even free activity. No holidays and for us which would be a big deal as DH family live in Australia and South Africa. No further children (if I didn't go back after DS).
Part time would have put us in the negative but full time allowed saving for further children and afford some small holidays and now my 30 hours still allows that with not needing to use loads of wrap around care for school.

As much as I love my children and would have loved to be at home with them, I also love my job so having to return to work wasn't too hard.
Was it hard and exhausting in the early years - yes it was. I felt I missed so much in reality I didn't. We learnt to make the most of time we did have together rather than focus on what we didn't. It helped my children thrived at nursery (after a rough start dropping off and refusal to eat) and so far school.
I am also very aware DH has been able to be more involved with the DC as he isn't having to work ridiculous hours to just make us break even for a simple life.

I think you need to look long term. What does your plan look like for your children? Do you envisage holidays or are you happy to lose those? Do you need access to a car which you couldn't have if you stopped work? Could you take a short term hit in your career, do you like you job and want to return for that reason? Would your DH be around or working all the time if you didn't work? Is that what he wants?
We looked long and hard at all variations of what to do, what each situation mean and how we (me and DH) felt about it. It helped to work out a budget for each scenario, what would/could go and what needed to stay? Looking at expenses against income etc.

People who have to work to eat and pay the basic bills work because they have no choice.

Everyone else cuts their cloth according to their priorities/preferences.

You’re completely valid in how you feel OP. Your instincts are pulling you to be with your baby, because that’s the way it should be. Our capitalist society really does a number on mothers and children. It does help to talk about how hard it is, (as long as it’s someone who is happy to listen and hear you rather than just shut you down and tell you to get over it like many PPs! Yes, there’s nothing that can be done, AND it is still helpful to talk about how shit it is to people who get it and support each other??) I hope you can get a good a balance as possible, between being with your baby and being able to afford to live. It’s not easy or fair but you can do it, your time together will still be precious and lovely x

You focus on the long term - ten, twenty years ahead, and consider what is best for your DCs over that entire period

That. I can't even count how often I have been thankful I have a good career (with flexibility that in my line of work is not given and comes with seniority) and high income, so I am able to actually be there more when they are older (and in my opinion, need me more) and offer DC all kinds of wonderful opportunities.

Agree with both of you.

I regret going back to work so early and leaving my child in nursery OP.

I feel the same, I will be going back 24 hours a week plus 1 in 6 Saturdays but my plan is to get pregnant with no.2 ASAP (DC1 is 11.5 months) and then hopefully have a third and then reassess and hopefully drop more hours to work maybe 15 hours a week

When they are little and they first go back if feels like you never see them. But as they get older and you get used to it you value the time you have with them. With my first I went back 4 days a week, with my second son DH works compressed hours so he is off 1 day a week. I start at 9:15 and DH does all the pick ups.