I don’t want to go back to work and miss my babies childhood….

[wandoqebu]

As the heading reads, I’m only going back two days but will eventually have to be five. How do parents manage going to work. My baby is in childcare for one day a week and it’s fine because it’s one day, but I miss the whole day. Basically home-time is bath dinner bed. I can not imagine this being the only time I spend with her five days a week. There has to be another way!!!
I know I’ll kick myself looking back and missing this but I simply can not afford to live without two incomes. What do people do?

Well we can't live without two incomes. We don't live an extravagant lifestyle at all but very much need to two incomes to afford our mortgage, bills, car and other essentials.

Not everyone is on mega wages that can afford just one income to live no matter how much you cut back. I love the judgmental comments from people who have NO IDEA about individual circumstances that somehow everyone can cut back and live on one wage. Having children shouldn't just be for people who are affluent.

Our children are loved, happy and spend plenty time with us. We're not any less attentive or loving parents.

In fact there's plenty of research that shows mothers now, even though they are working are still spending more time with their children than previous generations.

There will be people reading your post who are living on two incomes and still don't have money for holidays or expensive activities. You may want to tell your DH to look at it another way and to be grateful for the sacrifices his mom made for him. I'm very proud of my mother and how hard she worked too - as a stay at home mom. We didn't have any much money but we played lovely games at the park, drew together, baked together etc. She made my childhood wonderful. It always amazes me on here how little respect is given to actually being a mom or a sahp. It's not considered worthy (or hard) work, there is very little respect for it on here. There are more important things in life than expensive holidays.

Same here. I am 49 and a mum of 3 teenagers. I sacrificed my career because I didn’t want to ‘miss out’ on being with my kids. Although it was often lovely at the time, and I returned to when when youngest was 2 (but different lower paid, less stressful job) we have always been the poorer family of all our friends even now and the kids all say their ambition is to make money because they are fed up of us always being skint! Im pretty much financially dependant on my husband still as the years being a SAHM meant his career became big and important, he was and still is at work a lot and even years later and both working full time the housework and life admin is all on me as it never changed when I went back as he has the more stressy job still.
so I guess moral of the story is try and think long term.
i know it’s hard though

It's his childhood, he's entitled to feel how he feels about it. And it wasn't about expensive holidays. For your information, he had times where his dad had struggled to meet the basics on his wage. He was bullied at school as he had to wear a 2nd hand uniform. Bullied because at activities week everyone else could afford to go on activities and he had to stay in school.

So it wasn't about expensive holidays at all. But living at times in near poverty, not affording the basics and being bullied are things that stay with you for life. If his mum had worked and realistically would have been a part time job when they would have been at school would have made a significant difference to their life. He's allowed to feel resentful over it.

And quite frankly I don't have respect for women, who choose to stay at home, living off a husbands wage while their kids have a worse standard living than if they went to work.

How insanely judgmental you are.

Do you have no respect for women that take their full entitlement to mat leave, even the unpaid bit?

Do you have respect for women who have chosen low wage careers? Or men who choose low wage careers for that matter.

That clearly works for you and that’s fine and your children are happy. I’m talking about the people who desperately want to spend the time with their children but ‘can’t’. I know several mums myself who say they wish they could work part time and spend more time with their children in the preschool years but have so many outgoings, endless spending on non essential things and could easily make changes and re prioritise if they truly wanted to.

I work two days a week so I can spend as much time with my children as possible. I’m fed up of other mums saying to me oh I wish we could afford to do that. My husband is not a high earner and neither am I with my two days work. We have lots of high bills. But we are very careful with money and choose where to spend it wisely and we have extremely happy secure children who are very confident and independent when we’re out and about. We’ve made careful decisions and changes to allow us to live this life and I wish other people wouldn’t assume we are so affluent to do so, we are not at all.

I found that the mornings and evenings weren’t quality time as everyone says -we were either rushing in the morning or they were tired and cranky in the evenings, with the first two I had long mat leaves from 2-3 when their younger sibs arrived so it felt ok to do it for a year inbetween. Covid happened with my third and I decided to stay off and start work in a new field (not education) that was school hours. I do think being able to pick up at least twice a week means a lot to children, unless they are particularly hearty and sociable. Try to work it out in year long chunks, everything changes.

We divided and conquered. DH did the morning drop off to nursery/school breakfast club and I collected from nursery/after school club. Was a relief when they were 10 and could get the Tube to school on their own. We both enjoyed that time with them on our own. Easier as they got older as they stayed later at school for different activities.

I understand the feeling OP. I have savings so used some to work part time but mostly just keep a simple lifestyle. My hobbies are all quite cheap (nature walks, reading etc) and I've never been into designer clothes or anything.

You have to do what you need to though. Think about 5 years from now, how would you feel looking back? Pleased you supported your family when you needed to / pleased you spent more time with them before they started school? Either of those choices will work out fine and neither is wrong.

As the heading reads, I’m only going back two days but will eventually have to be five. How do parents manage going to work. My baby is in childcare for one day a week and it’s fine because it’s one day, but I miss the whole day. Basically home-time is bath dinner bed. I can not imagine this being the only time I spend with her five days a week. There has to be another way!!!
I know I’ll kick myself looking back and missing this but I simply can not afford to live without two incomes. What do people do? https://routerlogin.uno/

I got this,...

But what were you planning to do before you had her? How were you planning to support her?

I was made redundant just before getting pregnant and didn’t return to work for 5 years. It was idyllic being with my two daughters in those formative years even though we were skint. 15 years on, I am financially dependant on my husband who was able to retrain and improve his employability. I work a 26 hour term time job and know I sacrificed my earning potential for those 5 years. I’m about 70% sure I made the right choice.

Mine never went to bed at 7pm for starters. DH was only really finishing work by then. And she didn’t have a bath in the evening. We were often eating out or seeing friends of an evening. None of us had to be up early the next day so it worked for us. (Plus we are all night owls so she would never have gone to sleep that early anyway. She slept midnight till noon till she was about 2.5.)

What do people do?

They just get on with it and adapt to the hand they are dealt. They miss their children massively but accept that life is not entirely about their feelings and what they want. It's about what is best for the family as a whole and sometimes that means a sacrifice.

Or, as I and most women I know who have children did, recognised that parenting is much more satisfying and manageable all round when it’s integrated with a pre-existing professional life. I certainly felt everything clicked into place for me once I returned to work after mat leave.

Well, indeed. I certainly had no intention of giving up my professional career. I might have preferred to have reduced my hours for a while to make things slightly less chaotic but no regrets here.

I have to agree with her. The role of a parent is to nurture, protect and provide. Choosing not to provide because it's nicer for you when there's no food on the table is not on.