I don’t want to go back to work and miss my babies childhood….

[wandoqebu]

As the heading reads, I’m only going back two days but will eventually have to be five. How do parents manage going to work. My baby is in childcare for one day a week and it’s fine because it’s one day, but I miss the whole day. Basically home-time is bath dinner bed. I can not imagine this being the only time I spend with her five days a week. There has to be another way!!!
I know I’ll kick myself looking back and missing this but I simply can not afford to live without two incomes. What do people do?

I know I’ll kick myself looking back and missing this but I simply can not afford to live without two incomes. What do people do?

What did I do? I went to work and dropped the guilt. I had to work and my children need a roof over their head and food in their belly. They are well looked after and cared for when I'm at work, I feel absolutely no guilt.

This idea that mums must be around 24/7 in the early years to make memories and then the absolute guilt when they have to work is a relatively new concept has only been exacerbated by social media.

My mum grew up in the 50s/60s and while her mum was at home during they day, she certainly wasn't ferrying my mum or her siblings about to activities or nurturing their development at home or feeling guilt whatsoever. Like most working class kids of that era, they were booted outside to play as soon as they could walk so that the mums could get on with the housework. My mum frequently describes herself as a latch key kid yet was very close to her mum.

I did this. My dc are adults now and I don’t regret it a bit.

We had no car, bought everything was secondhand, no gym membership, nail appointments etc
I cooked from scratch and holidays were cheap too, camping or haven type chalet breaks.
They didn’t go abroad until they were older teens and I did worry about this as all their friends had 2 working parents and very different lifestyles.

We have spoken about my choice and while I realise they wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings, they both loved having me around and say they can’t even remember us being ‘poor’

I've had similar discussions with my DC (teens) - would they have preferred I stayed home with them when they were small, but this would mean we could not have our current lifestyle. They said they both loved going to the childminder - and I do think they are not saying it just to spare my feelings, they are still best friends with childminder's kids. They certainlt appreciate the lifestyle.
And I don't feel I missed out on anything really. Other parents may of course feel otherwise, but as several posters have said, all choices come with their own pros and cons.

I think most (and not all before anyone comes at me) children when asked are going to say they they had happy childhoods whether their parents worked or not because a) they don't know the alternative and also b) because it's moments of deep connection that are important for children and what give them a sense of security, love and happy core memories. They don't need someone present all the time to do this, working parents can equally achieve this. Of course if staying at home works for you then great! This isn't me bashing them.

I also wonder if some parents going back to work feel guilty because we're peddled this message that we somehow SHOULD feel guilty. I think it's worth remembering that child rearing especially in the younger days has always been traditionally a group activity and not just fallen to one person. Historically we would have lived in tribes, or had extended families and communities to help out. Even in the 50/60s, kids would have been entertained playing with each other in the street while the mums got on with housework.

Times have changed now. I'm not going to say for worse as I wouldn't fancy living in a prehistoric mud hut or being a housewife in the 50s. And I use a nursery and paid childcare to help fill the gaps and play a role others would have done so. And feel no guilt whatsoever in doing so.ŵ

Calm down with the melodrama. I worked FT from the moment I went back from maternity leave and didn’t ‘miss’ DS’s childhood. You are supporting your child financially. That’s also a key aspect of parenting.

I stayed at home when my kids were small. I’m now 58 and looking at working as long as possible because my pension outlook is so poor.

I wouldn’t advise anyone to do what I’d did I’m afraid.

I took a career break. We really didn't have much money and it was hard in that sense but I did have family who helped me out a bit financially. I'm working p/t now but it's easier as they're in school so between me & DH we can manage drop offs & pick ups.

It's so hard going back to work. I'd just advise you to do as little hours as you can financially manage and you can always increase when they're a bit older.

I once read that bats put their babies in 'nursery', stick them all together in a massive hole in a cave, one or two mums stay with them and the others work and then take turns

I remember feeling like this when preparing to go back after my first.

What I did was save up all my holiday I had accrued over mat leave and used 1 day per week to only work 4 days a week (but paid for 5) for over 6 months.

I also got pregnant again very quickly so I could have another mat leave. I was back off within a year.

By the time I had had 2 mat leaves, and I took 14 months off for my second mat leave, I was ready to go back to work full time.

It is terribly hard, I cried a lot, but you do adjust.

Exactly this. I had the same doubts about returning after DC2, even now I still struggle (FT 5 days a week). But this is what I keep telling myself.

What I would also say is that there is a lot to be said for really leaning into your career and progressing it as much as you can whilst your children are very small.

Little children don’t necessarily need their mother looking after them. They just need their needs met and you can pay someone to do that.

I have found over the years that as they get older, it’s you they really need and there is no substitute.

They want you at the sports day, they want you helping out on the school trip, they need your support if they are having teenage friendship issues or having school anxiety, they need you during exam stress.

Getting as senior as you can for when they are older so you have complete flexibility over your work diary is worth its weight in gold.

You have to consider what you'd be willing to sacrifice to be with your child full time.

Maybe a smaller home in a cheaper area, cheaper holidays, fewer meals out, and buy some things second hand. And a smaller pension and maybe long term career progression.

You will also save money by being home, which balances things out. No childcare fees, perhaps only one car needed, the ability to cook cheaper meals and repair clothes and so on.

If we only had one child, we'd have more money if I worked. We have three, and I don't think I could out-earn the childcare costs by enough to make up for the savings anyway!

But to us, that's not the point. If I could earn a million pounds a year by having other people look after my children most days, I still wouldn't consider it.

Can you work a 4 day week? If you take time off as 2 half days, you've only 3 full days.

If your partner can do the same, it's only one full day in nursery, and you'll probably feel happier that the baby is with him, and hopefully you come home to dinner being ready.

I did a 4 day week when DS was little, and due to tax etc, my drop in salary wasn't 20% but more like 12%, which luckily we could absorb, by cutting outgoings and stopping paying into savings.

I agree with this too. Money is important. It would be great if it wasn’t, but it is.

Me staying in my career has enabled my children to see the world, go through private education, they will leave university with zero debt and be given deposits for their first flat.

They can’t even remember the years when they were 1-5 years old, being left with a nanny whilst I cried on my way to the office. It was super hard for me but has made no lasting impression on them. But my career (well also DH’s) is setting them up for the rest of their lives.

I remember feeling the same way op; it’s hard at first. However, you do what you have to do and you adjust. Going back 2 days initially is a good compromise and will ease you in. All I can say is you will find your way.

This 100%

YANBU. I would have absolutely hated it too! See if you can make some financial cutbacks so you don’t miss out on so much, being time rich is way better!

Ahhh I feel for you OP, it’s such a personal choice and it depends on your financial situation. I couldn’t bare to leave mine and hand them over to complete strangers to care for them. We ended up cutting down our outgoings as much as possible and forfeited luxuries so I could stay at home with them. That was 12 years ago and I don’t ever regret a second of it. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I hope you come to a decision that makes you happy ❤️

I agree op it’s not right that we have to have both parents working so much to cover a household in most cases. I just don’t think I’ll ever look back at my life and be like gosh thank goodness I dedicated 5 days of every 7 days to working for someone else. What a good use of my time that was.
I know people have businesses and passions and I’m not saying that’s the case for everyone, but I doubt most people on their death bed will say gosh I wish I could’ve spent less time with my children and more time stacking shelves or sending emails.
I left my very good career, I’ll never get it back now, but I’ll get a new one eventually, after my dc are out of those early years, I’ll still have 20 years left of working to worry about it, for now we’ve cut back on everything and we just make it work. I’m obviously very fortunate to be able to do that thanks to a previous career and lots of savings though.

Most parents in most of human history have always worked. The idea that a SAHM was the norm was a brief blip in himself history in specific cultures.

Drop your hours if you can. It is hard but you get used to it and so do the kids. You’ve still got evenings and weekends

I’m not basing my opinion on ‘the good old days’ and the idea that there used to be sahms
I just genuinely think it’s not a good balance of work and life when both parents (or anyone really) have to work so much.

I went back when dd was 4mths as self employed and basically needed the money

Ive always worked and means I can support her and even more so as now a single parent

but slightly diff as I work nights. So I’m about All day. Did all the baby classes Can take her to school etc - I put her to bed. And she’s waking as I come home in the morning

but it’s a juggle and even more so now on my own

yes the baby /toddler years harder as would grab a nap when she slept but def easier now at school and I can be be an I bed 845am if tired

you are a new mum so emotions will run Higher but for most people they work so have a roof over their heads - pays their bills - if lucky can have a holiday

I felt the same as you, so I worked evenings. Therefore I am home all day with them, sometimes do bedtimes but sometimes my husband will if we’re running late. It’s tiring and leaves you without that time in the evening to just be alone and relax, or catch up on housework etc! But ultimately I prefer to have the time with them in the day. My job is wfh which is a bonus too, but I had spoken with a care agency and was planning to pick up evening care work if I didn’t find a suitable evening wfh job.

Providing financially for yourself and your family is definitely a good use of time. Contributing to society whether that’s through stacking shelves or doing a job which includes sending emails is also a good use of time.

I’m a huge advocate of choice. If you want to be a SAHP - wonderful. It’s great that choice is available to you. If you choose to work , again great! There was a time when women’s career development was restricted so it’s fantastic that women now have more choices within the labour market.

We shouldn’t be trying to diminish others women’s choices and experiences. Which is exactly what these ‘deathbed’ type posts do.