I don’t want to go back to work and miss my babies childhood….

[wandoqebu]

As the heading reads, I’m only going back two days but will eventually have to be five. How do parents manage going to work. My baby is in childcare for one day a week and it’s fine because it’s one day, but I miss the whole day. Basically home-time is bath dinner bed. I can not imagine this being the only time I spend with her five days a week. There has to be another way!!!
I know I’ll kick myself looking back and missing this but I simply can not afford to live without two incomes. What do people do?

I find that working makes me appreciate the time with my daughter much more, and I'm more present with her when I'm not working. We still get a couple of hours in the morning and 3 hours after nursery (she only sleeps 8pm-5.30/6am). me and DH both do compressed hours so we get a day each with her plus weekend, it feels like plenty! I like working, I really struggled with being on maternity leave. I think you have to have a positive mindset around it - you're working out of necessity (and it means you have financially secure, and could manage on your own if you had to-a risk if you are full time parent), and make the most of the time you have with your child

I don’t mean to diminish anyone else but I do highly doubt people will be glad they had to work as much as they do. I did say it isn’t the same for everyone and some will love to work, and that’s great but I’m specifically talking about the ops situation where she feels forced to work, that isn’t having choice. Yes it’s good to work and contribute to society (though there are many ways to contribute to society that aren’t traditional paid labour) but I don’t think the balance is currently right.

OP how long will it be 2 days a week before it goes up to 5 days? Could you do 3 days a week for longer? Is there any way your dh could drop one day a week if you can’t?

But what I would say, it’s very different feeling with a 11/12 month old who might crawl but not much to 18 months old who can run, and then 2 year old who doesn’t nap anymore. Making long term decisions based on short term issues isnt always the best.

How do you feel about fathers potentially feeling this way?

Honestly I didn’t go back after maternity and apply for universal credit. I spend everyday with her and love it. She is two now and I’m trying to get her into a nursery for the free 15 hours. Then as she approaches 3 (the UC cut off age) I will go back part time then increase hours.
They are only young for a short while I don’t care how it comes off. I’m going back to work eventually. I’m putting myself first.

There was a time when women’s career development was restricted so it’s fantastic that women now have more choices within the labour market.

Do they really though? I’d say 9/10 posts on here have SAHM because the male earns considerably more than the female and the cost of childcare is assessed against her wage alone (without consideration for skills fade, career development and progression or pensions). That’s not a coincidence. Societal constructs that women should be the primary carer long past breastfeeding is done with creates bias in hiring decisions and so men ascend faster than women even if they are career-dlfocissed. Every woman that goes part time or becomes a SAHM reinforces that making it harder for those who want to work. (And every man that continues as they did pre-children reinforces that too.)

And with 50% of marriages failing, it’s the women who generally suffer from the time spent as SAHM as it’s fairly easy for men to get away with doing the bare minimum and contributing a fraction of what it costs to raise a child.

Of course they have more choice.
That’s not the same as saying that inequality doesn’t exist. Because clearly it does.

But more women than ever are participating in the labour market and in jobs which were traditionally male dominated. There’s still a work to be done but we have made progress.

I don’t disagree, but it’s painfully slow. It’s 2026…….

If you have children you have a responsibility to provide for them financially. That’s part of being a parent.
It’s as simple as that really - if that means you have to work then that’s what you have to do. It’s an important part of being a parent and I don’t think many people regret that on their deathbed.

Agree. I anticipate being glad of being able to give DD opportunities to experience other cultures and see amazing things and to explore different interests as she grows up. To understand the value of hard work and resilience and a multi-faceted skill set. And to find a career she enjoys which challenges her and allows her to live the life she wants to.

And being able to give her the option to continue her education without the burden of tens of thousands in student loans or to have the security of being able to buy a property in her 20s.

I appreciate how lucky we are to be able to do this (neither of us got this from our parents) and would (did) prioritise that over more time at soft play.

I doubt most people on their death bed will say gosh I wish I could’ve spent less time with my children

You may not miss the office on deathbed, but there are many people who wish they were in a better financial situation, there are a ton of women on relationships board who can't leave bad marriages because they can't support themselves and their DC, there are plenty of women worried how they will manage in retrirement. For most people, the reason they work is not so they can spend less time with children. Most of us are simply not independently wealthy enough not to work.

Absolutely. Until food, clothes and shelter start being magically free, supporting your child financially is an absolutely key aspect of parenthood. And it's also been a key element of parenthood, for both mothers and fathers, for most societies, throughout most of recorded history.

I was a SAHM until my children were 4 and 6. Getting back into the workforce after an almost 7-year break was way more difficult than I expected and actually very deflating.

I appreciate my time with my children now so much more than I did when I was at home with them. We would never “do” anything as a family at the weekends because I would try to fill the week with activities so the kids didn’t get bored. Just lead to bored, restless, defiant children at the weekends, which my partner found difficult because he felt like they hated him for not “being around” as much as I was. And I hated it because I felt they were being ungrateful for everything I’d done with them during the week.

I just felt like it was the “right” thing to do because that’s what all my peers had done, and how I was raised also.
I was completely “humaned-out”, by the time my partner came home from work I would barely say two words to him because all I’d done all day was speak to the children. I was horrible to be around because I had completely lost myself and was just “mum”.

My partner and I both work full-time now and family life is much more enjoyable. Yes, it’s undeniably very difficult when you’re tired after a day at work (both have quite physically and mentally demanding jobs) and have to sort dinner, bath time, bedtime, washing, cleaning etc. But it’s also great to have two incomes, the kids actually get a holiday every year now which I always wanted for my children as that’s something I never got once during my childhood.
I also think displaying that you can have work ethic, but still have a great family life is a really important thing to show your children. Again, I didn’t have any of that as a child and had absolutely no “get up and go” about me, I used to tell everyone that when I’m older, I’ll just have a baby or go on the dole. Whereas my brothers were always adamant they’d be builders like my dad.

Every person, every family, is different and it’s about what works for you. There’s no harm in going back to work, realising it’s not working, and switching things back again.

I completely agree there's something wrong with a system where BOTH parents have to work so much but let's be honest, these deathbed posts are only ever aimed at working mums to guilt them for "working for someone else"

There's loads of posts on here about dad's who work all sorts of hours and I've yet to see a death bed post like yours aimed towards him.

I'm assuming if you don't work, your husband works 5 days a week. Have you asked him if he'll regret working 5 days a week, sending emails and not seeing his kids in that time?

My in-laws are lovely and I absolutely adore my MIL. But she didn't work and my husband had a childhood where everything was cut back and they had to go without many things. He is very close to his mum but he has been very vocal about how resentful he is. He can't understand why his mum chose not to work especially when they were at school which resulted them in having a lower standard of living. Having a childhood where you had to watch pennies or you were the only one not going on holiday or as many activities or days out, was not he or me wanted for our family.

On the other hand my mum did work. We didn't cut back and we had a lot more experiences. We're both equally as close to our mums and my mum is my absolute idol and I'm so proud for how hard she worked. She was always there for me.

My mum won't be on her deathbed regretting work and neither will I. I'll look back and be pleased I worked, so I could give my children experiences they wouldn't have otherwise and so they didn't have a childhood where every penny had to be counted and everything was cut back.

I always find it ironic that people come on these thread saying that people will be lying on their deathbed regretting working 5 days a week and missing out on time with their children when the only reason they've been able to be at stay at homes is because they're being facilitied to do this by their husband/partner who is presumably working 5 days to provide an income to let them not work.

Do these stay at home mums wailing about deathbed and missing time with their children have these conversations with their husbands? I'm guessing probably not.

Financially I didn’t need to return to work but wanted to. DT’s went to nursery 5 days a week (normal maternity leave then) from six months old. I’ve never regretted it - DT’s are now in their mid 20’s. I’ve not missed out on any part of their lives.
Has anyone asked your DH whether he feels he’s missing out on their lives?

I get to skip a lot of the drudgery and I never have to clean the house, so I can focus 100% on them when I am with them. I don't feel I missed anything. Also my salary is significantly higher, so if someone would have been at home, it wouldn't have been me.

The same. I think that was clear in what I’ve said. I’ve mentioned parents not mother and I also mentioned non parents. I don’t think anyone should be forced to spend close to 5 of their 7 days a week on a job

Just to be clear I said I don’t think anyone will say ‘I wish I spent more time at work.’
I never said they will say ‘I regret working’
my comment was aimed at the op because she is talking about it, I’d never say anything to another woman or a man if we weren’t discussing it.
my husband doesn’t work 5 days either for the same reason, and like I said I’m able to not work full time due to other income which I appreciate is a privileged position. I think it’s a shame that it has to be a privileged position though and isn’t available to other people.

but also isn’t that the point, aren’t we saying the same thing? You’ll be glad you worked so you didn’t have to cut back and watch every penny and you could give your dc a good life. I agree with you, that’s a great thing to do. But isn’t it a shame some people have to work 5 days a week to do this. Wouldn’t it be nicer if we could work 3 or 4 days a week and provide a childhood that maybe isn’t filled with luxuries but is still nice. And then spend time volunteering, caring for other family members, spending time with our children etc. if we want to (or work more if we want to, but out of choice not necessity)
im not criticising anyone for how they cope, I’m criticising the system and saying it’s a shame op is in this position of a difficult choice

I did and DH rather shyly said he would rather work full time. He had two DC already so had an idea of what that meant. He wanted me to do whatever worked for me. He was very involved but he, personally, also quite liked going to work. He hated WFH during Covid.

Surely OP is saying how she feels about work/life balance now, not projecting ahead to her death bed. My understanding of feminism is for women to have equal rights to do what they want, not be told that working less and doing more childcare is now the only option. All ways of working this out are equally valid: you just need to work out what works for you as a family.

I work 5 days a week, DH does 4 days a week. For us it's our jobs we have very flexible working so still able to do school drop off and pick ups (youngest is at nursery). We alternate do one starts early and finishes early on different days.

We sit down every dinner time together (around 5.30) as a family. Weekends is family time at least one of the days.
Evenings before bed are playtime no TV always together etc.

I honestly think it's quality time which is more important. It helps that both of mine loved nursery!

There are plenty of roles where you don’t need to work 5 days a week to be full time. There are also considerable benefits to having full time staff to ensure their competence which is more challenging if they only work a day or 2 a week.

If you base everything on needing to be at a desk 9-5 after an hour’s commute Mon-Fri then you’re not really seeing all the opportunities.

This comes up often.

The fundamental principle of feminism is equality between the sexes. To me that means men being expected to consider changing their names on marriage, to be equal and engaged parents and to consider how their working life supports or impacts their children/family. These are all standard expectations of women. In turn then, this gives women the freedom to make choices around their career and parenting which doesn’t have to be “dedicated to domestics”. Children seeing a more equal spread of working mothers and fathers that don’t call parenting their own children “babysitting” and can clean a bathroom without having to be asked. It’s really not asking much.

By making feminism about women’s choices without any demand for men to do different, we will always face societal limitation.

I can guarantee that nobody has ever asked DH (since DD was tiny) how I cope with him working away, but plenty of people have asked DH now that I do. People are amazed that I don’t leave instructions or fill the fridge before I go, and that the adult male member of the household is capable of school meetings, cooking and knowing who needs to be where and when without me needing to coach him to. These may feel like small examples, but they are symptomatic of a bigger problem.

Nobody in this house is allowed to use the words “I don’t know” or “where is” if they haven’t tried to find out for themselves. No job is male or female unless it requires specific genitalia (hint, the vast majority don’t).

In think it is very easy for women to become trapped by the societal demands and expectations around child rearing. But other ways are absolutely possible. Even when you have big jobs and no family within hundreds of miles.