I don’t want to go back to work and miss my babies childhood….

[wandoqebu]

As the heading reads, I’m only going back two days but will eventually have to be five. How do parents manage going to work. My baby is in childcare for one day a week and it’s fine because it’s one day, but I miss the whole day. Basically home-time is bath dinner bed. I can not imagine this being the only time I spend with her five days a week. There has to be another way!!!
I know I’ll kick myself looking back and missing this but I simply can not afford to live without two incomes. What do people do?

I went back full time when mine were 6 months old. I co-slept for longer than I might have done - till they were 2 and stopped waking at night. This was a conscious choice so that we could have more cuddle/bonding time. I also organised my work hours/flexitime so that I could leave for work early in the morning and finish early enough to pick them up from creche at 4pm, which gave me a nice chunk of time with them before bed. I don't feel like I missed out on anything, and have a lovely relationship now that they are teenagers.

I also was able to ensure my own financial security which meant I was able to afford the divorce that happened a few years down the line.

You don’t miss their childhood. You’ll have evenings and weekends with them.

I realise I've made it sound very rosy. I was also permanently exhausted, for about 5 years!

You aren't going to miss her childhood just because you work full time. You will learn that it is about quality time, not quantity of time and it will be extra special.

You either do not work, work part time or your daughter is in childcare for full hours. And I can see why you say you would miss her.
The younger years are often important ones. I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t think society has one. Some women go crazy if they don’t go back to work. Some don’t want to go to work but need to financially. Some want financial independence. Rich people have a choice. Ordinary people less so.
Working part time seems to be a compromise.

I compromised by working 3 days when they were little, 2 days in nursery and 1 with grandparents.
I wouldn’t have wanted to do 5 full days either because you do miss a lot.
Can you compromise with staying at 2 or 3 days until your child starts school?

I worked evenings and weekends until mine were both at senior school.

I think it's incredibly hard for mums ( and dads) these days. I had to go back to work albeit part time when mine were less than six months because we lived abroad in a country where there was no mat pay. It was so hard especially given that ds2 was born prematurely. It does get easier though. I think it's just such a shame that house prices/ rent etc are such that it usually takes both parents working full time to manage financially.

What industry is this? I think it’s important to be clear so we can advise the next generation on pros and cons

Parents? Well, the majority of men don’t give it a second thought. Women are expected to be chained to their children and mourning lost moments but in reality, it’s the quality of the time you spend with children that matters, not the quantity.

How old is your baby, OP? I think the first 18 months are the hardest, emotionally speaking, on mums. They're still so little, but developing so quickly.

My first went to nursery when he was 13 months old and I was devastated. By 16/18 months I was glad he was letting off some steam elsewhere! He was getting bored at home and I was too tired to provide him with the stimulation he needed. He's 3 now, loves nursery and has friends.

I have been using annual leave to work 4 days per week, and my DP has compressed his hours to also work 4 days per week. This means our DC are only in nursery 3 days per week and get time with each parent in the week, and family time all together at the weekend.

OP, I don't think your feelings are 'dramatic' and I think many women feel this way, and your feelings should in no way be interpreted by others as a judgement of different situations. There are infinite different ways that parenting can work and as long as you feel your way works for you, all is good. There is no perfect way to juggle parenting/work balance but many different ways that work for different people according to preferences and circumstances.

Lots of women feel this way and lots go back to work as they have no choice. You just adapt and it will become normal. I managed to get work to agree to 4 days a week but tbh I felt like the work was spilling over into Fridays too much so I switched to 5 so I was at least getting paid for it!

You will not miss out on their childhood and socialisation is great for them too. My DC both loved our childminder. We became friends and the other same aged children she looked after became like extended family! They both had way more fun there going to playgroups, petting farms, parks etc than if they had been stuck with me at home emptying the dishwasher and cleaning the house. If your DC is happy then that’s the most important thing.

As others have said too - keep your eye on the longer term and think about your own and your families financial stability.

You could also apply for parental leave in the future if you don’t have enough holidays so you spend longer during holidays with them.

4 days a week (if that were workable once you return) is a great compromise.

We both have jobs with flexi time and I work a sort of split shift to maximise time with DC - a short work day when they are at school, early finish to school pick up, and then make up the hours in the evening when they are in bed. It is hard work but they are children for such a short time, and we share this between us so it's not all on one parent/career. Before school, they did 3 short days in nursery and we flexi-timed around it. Similarly, we didn't want to sacrifice income and building up our savings when we could do the flexi-time approach but the price we paid was working in the evenings!

I totally feel your pain and I’m one of the lucky ones who was able to take substantial mat leave. Was off for 13 months with my first and then five months after returning my second was born, I’m still on mat leave with her and I’ll be back in January after 18 months off. I’m so lucky to have been able to spend all this time with my children but god I’ll miss them so much when I get back. I’m the higher earner by a considerable amount so my salary is needed. Without it we’d be looking at a smaller house and none of the luxuries, holidays etc that we can afford now.

If it’s any help, I reassure myself that I’m doing good by thinking that I’m allowing my children to see mom going off to an important job and setting an example. I saw a study from Harvard recently that said daughters of working moms are more likely to earn more and reach senior leadership faster, and sons are more likely to see equality in relationships. I’ll just be making sure our weekends are filled with as much fun as possible!

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Although I wouldnt necessarily caution against it. Like everything theres pros and cons

Tbh its not ideal but pay is in the 100-250k ball park so... you know.
It also has other benefits beyond just pay
eg.
1.my new role has no mandatory in office requirements.

1. Today my dh and I are wfh looking after my ds who is a bit unwell. It's no big deal and I will get a full days pay.
2. When my dd starts school I will be able to do settle sessions no sweat.
3. We have stellar healthcare which i claimed in excess of 100k on last year due to v unexpected health issues...
4. I get 6 weeks paid annual leave.
5. I had 2 under 2 and we were comfortably able for me to take 13m mat leave for each baby. I also took maternal related sick leave on full pay so no stress there either.

I would have really liked a 3 day week for a few years but job sharing doesnt exist really and i do understand why. These roles are always on and demanding - they pay a lot for a reason.

We dont live profligate lives and I expect to be able to go part time / retrain in 5-8 years when I'm late 40s with a good pension behind me.

I am very okay with the trade off.

At 2 and 4 my children are well adjusted / happy / thriving and i will be present when they are older and need me specifically vs needing "a grown up".
I can also afford high quality childcare due to salary / job

Well DH and I both worked compressed hours so kids were in childcare only 3 days a week, As they grow older they also stay up later so you get more evening time with them.

Well, if you have to work you don’t have much option do you?! Sorry but it seems like a daft question and not overly helpful for those who don’t have any choice in the matter. Aside from finding a job which is as convenient as possible to minimise time lost to a commute and maximise flexibility, you just have to get on with it to be honest.

I work part time and live frugally and use savings, I also miss every other weekend with my son as he’s at his dads so I love my midweek days with him.

Sint do it I didnt, could bare too so didnt

You live with your child. You spend weekends with your child. You have holidays with your child.
You are hardly going to the other side of the world for the next decade.
Just get on with it!

I have worked 2 days per week since having my dcs. I felt the same as you OP so stuck to working part time.

This has meant that we haven't been able to have big holidays, new cars and move house etc. We adapted and I don't regret it at all. Now my dcs are older I will probably increase to 3 days per week.

Everyone's feelings are valid and you feel how you feel. For me, I worked 5 days with my eldest and four days with my youngest and I certainly don't feel I've missed out on their childhood. I never understand this concept that it's only the early years that matter and are somehow the only years that have any importance to some parents. Childhood doesn't stop when they go to school and they have still many years of growing, developing and making memories.

You don't need to spend 24/7 365 days a year with your child to remember their childhood. Quality is better than quantity and it's moments of connection children remember and important to them, not having one mother with them all the time. Children are wired to to be round a range of caregivers. Despite people wailing on here that sending your child to nursery means they'll have attachment problems (which is not true), children having attachments to other caregivers is healthy for them. Plus by the time they are older toddlers and children, I feel they really benefit from a different setting, activities and being round other children. Certainly I'm not the other one that finds entertaining a small child every day is a drag, I'm happy to let others do this!

When mine were little, I was really fortunate to be able to take three years off entirely and then go back part time. I know not everyone has that option these days.

Can you take a career break @wandoqebu ? I did until mine went to school and it was brilliant ,there was only 16 months between ours and it meant they went to primary on consecutive years . We weren't that much worse off but we didn't have any spare money, no holidays, no things done with the house . It was a struggle but it was worth it . Good luck with whatever you choose.