Is family life with children really one constant rush?

[LivelaughLibby]

Me and DH are TTC and for context, in our mid-thirties. We get plenty of unsolicited advice/ opinion on babies and children generally and I cannot work out if I’m being too sensitive (I probably am).

Most of the comments are “just you wait” type comments but the recurring theme or maybe the topic that has me most worried is the constant rush everyone talks about. The rush to get up, get changed, breakfast sorted and off to nursery/ school then the rush to work, repeat and rinse for collecting after nursery/ school etc.

Is it really that bad? Is life just one big rush? We have such intense jobs that we have made sure our life is as calm and peaceful as we can make it! I’m not sure if that would just continue and filter down to a child/ children or if we are being naive and we need to brace for chaos.

It’s not a constant rush.

but I don’t think anyone would describe life with a baby or small children as calm and peaceful

There isn't a one size fits all answer to this. There are so many variables to why it can be like that for some families and why it's not for others.

What I will say is no stage is forever, some stages are harder than others, and everyone finds adjustment to parenthood a big change (because it is).

There are a lot of good parts too, it's just people don't share them as much as people aren't interested.

It’s definitely not calm and peaceful having young children, you do need to brace for chaos, but that doesn’t mean it’s horrendous.

I have 2 very young children and yes it’s chaos, yes it’s a lot of rushing and remembering things and it taking 50 years to get out of the house sometimes between packing bags, has everyone got shoes on, who’s had a poo, now where is your sock etc- but our children have brought so so much happiness and love to our lives, I wouldn’t trade them for the calm peace we had when we were child free.

Totally depends tbh on your lifestyle, expectations and the children you have. I find the mornings a rush as we drop at childcare 730; I get up an hour before. If I got up earlier it’d be less of a rush but I’d be more tired, and I like having a little time in the evening before bed.

I hadn’t realised how used I’d got to quiet though!!

Depends on many things I suppose but there is alot of truth in "you just wait". The fact is until you're a parent you really cannot understand the stresses and pressures it brings. I think the biggest factor in how busy it is is how much support you have. Will you have lots of family support? Will your partner pull his weight (as in equally)? Do you have the finances to pay for help (cleaner/nanny/afterschool clubs etc)? I have three children and absolutely zero support except that of my husband. I can honestly say I am constantly busy. I am currently on the sofa completely exhausted and burnt out. I know other mums though with three children who have a cleaner, gardener, nanny and lots of family support. They aren't as tired, have time for themselves and cope better, obviously.

You have to be realistic, it’s (I hope) not forever, but having a baby or a toddler is hectic. Before baby, I used to get up at 8am, have coffee, then start work from home at 9 and evenings and weekends were mine to do what I want. Bliss. Now I get up at 5.30/6 after broken sleep, entertain my toddler and get him ready (not really time to get myself ready while he’s around as he’s quite high needs in the morning), drop him to nursery at 8, grab a take away coffee on my way back, quickly make myself presentable and start working. I work until it’s time to pick him up from nursery, and evenings and weekends are dictated by his needs.

It’s not necessarily rush all the time, but it’s not going to be calm and peaceful. Children will have their own wants and needs which usually come first. Apart from the obvious essential needs, they’re going to want to be entertained, days out, play dates, their own activities, help with homework, fun things to do in the school holidays. Your house won’t be quiet and they will want to do things at the weekend not be in the house all the time. Holidays won’t be relaxing for a number of year whilst their small. Have you thought about what you’ll both do with your jobs, will one go part time?

Can't you imagine your life with DC?

Will you keep working, if so what are your childcare options - then think about the timing of your day.

Do you want more than one - think about getting one to school, one to nursery, and collecting both.

Do you want your DC to do activities outside school - how do those timings work?

Do you still want a social life - how will you manage the time?

What you really need is a dh who does equal parenting, and if you're lucky local relatives who are willing to pick up a bit of childcare.

My life was a bit rushed before DC and didn't become easier afterwards.

Yes but it gets easier as they get older and become more independent. You may be sleep deprived so find it harder to get up in the morning, need to add in nursery or school drop offs to your working week, get DC from school to extra curricular etc. You have to be more creative in carving out time to rest or for hobbies. Getting home from work to my chilled evening routing is probably the thing I miss most but my DC are well worth it.

Depends so much on how many children you have, what jobs you both have (wfh/ commute/ flexibility) and whether you both share the load.

ive one dd and our house was never chaos. There was probably some rushing at times, but generally we’ve always had a calm household. Lived close to nursery and dh would walk her there then walk on to work. I’d start work early and finish early, home for 4ish then lots of time in the evening. I did reduce my hours to 3.5 days with at least 1.5 wfh.

Also you can control the chaos element by being super organised. It depends on your personality types to an extent, but we ran things like a military campaign which suited us and kept the lid on mayhem

Things like getting everybody out of the door on a weekday when both parents work can be stressful but you can put routines in place to make it run smoother.

There is an element of choice in how much of a constant rush your life becomes. Work is work and only you know what hours you need/want to do and what childcare you will need. But weekends, you can decide how much you fill those up. I have colleagues that complain they are constantly tired but they book big days out or trips away pretty every single weekend.

It depends on personality as well. SIL and her family seem to all climb the walls after about half an hour in the house. They are always out at activities/clubs/trips. For us, as long as DC get a decent chunk of fresh air every day they are happy having unstructured time at home.

I've had a baby in my mid thirties, she's now 1. It's a massive shock to the system, you basically have a new boss, who is on your back all the time, has no patience and will set deadlines for NOW with no warning and SCREAM at you if you don't hit the deadline. And you still have a work boss when you go back!

Three meals a day with a baby who smears food over their face, hair and into their eyes (it turns out that bibs don't prevent this) plus dropping food and water on the floor/at the walls!!

Poo nappies which at best are smelly, at worst explode up their back even with the most expensive nappies, and mean you have shit on a baby, baby clothes and potentially furniture, flooring, pushchair or car seat.

If I want to have a shower and my husband is at work, I have to bring her in the shower room with me. She cries and shakes in terror if she's in the bath with me as doesn't like the water coming out the shower head to get on her, but if she's let loose in the bathroom it has to be clean and baby proofed. I sellotape the cupboards and toilet seat down!! She also whinges and cries if I do more than a quick wash, which means I rush through it and am less groomed these days. This also translates to drying and styling hair and putting makeup on.

Your nice outfit you've put on gets covered in snot/food/random crap they've found despite your best efforts. See also furniture and walls.

The nursery can call at any moment to say the baby is unwell and needs picking up within the hour. You have no idea how long the illness will last.

It's TOUGH. But then things will get better when they can understand more and talk and learn how to use cutlery (I haven't got to that bit yet!).

The other thing is sleep. You might get lucky, or you might not (like me 🫠) and there is basically nothing you can do about it.

You have the child you have, and they are who they are. Some babies are easier than others but it's just luck what you get!

I've focussed on the baby stuff because that's all I know so far. It's been about three times as hard going as I imagined it would be.

Full time job + 2 young kids = a lot of rushing around and chaos. Having only 1 and/or working part time and things will be much easier and calmer.

Your life absolutely changes. It is never the same again. You lose the ability to be selfish. You can’t just go out and take your keys and phone.
It is very expensive, childcare is absolutely ridiculously expensive and even more if you have 2 children within 4 years so both not at school.
If one of your children has a more difficult temperament, you will have a much harder time than if one of them doesn’t.
Having said that, you will have moments of magic sprinkled in there. It is a wonderful experience in so many ways. You can parent in a way you wished you were parented. If you want a baby, have one, if you don’t, don’t have one. But for me personally, I could never imagine not having children and I knew it would be full on.

I think the temperament of child makes a huge difference too. I have one that is like a sloth in a morning, difficult to wake in a morning, slow to eat, slow to dress and always needs the toilet once we're halfway out of the door and one that is up prepped independently and ready for the day by 7.30.

👋 yes it’s a rush! Two full time professional careers here; first baby age 33.

Getting babies and toddlers to nursery in time to get to work; then leaving work to battle traffic or trains to pick up on time; doing this all when you’re struggling with the 5th cold you’ve caught off the baby this season, trying to keep up friendships with your friends who don’t have kids yet; finding time for new mum friends; making sure the grandparents get regular visits.

Colic, RSV, teething, potty training, vomiting bugs at nursery, chicken pox.

Oh and your child doesn’t sleep through the night until at least age 2 so the entire time is a torture of sleep deprivation.

It’s hard work!

No. It does depend on your life and the particular children, but generally I don’t think it has to be. I think it often turns out to be rushed if you’re a single parent or if one parent isn’t doing their proper share. Also-and I’m going to duck behind the parapet after I’ve said this-I do think there are parents who like to present it as harder than it needs to be. I’m always a little sceptical of people who talk about “running round after children all day” Are you? Are you really?

Obviously if you add health issues or additional needs into the mix all bets are off.

Mid 30s with a 16m old here. Yes everything changes but you find your own rhythm and it depends on so many variables. We had a fairly difficult start but have a lot of support around us to bring food etc and now with childcare etc on top of nursery. DH and I both wfh, I go to the office one day a week and that's the only day that feels rushed for me.

However! Weekends are a whole different ballgame as toddler-life is FULL ON and I now genuinely understand why people say they go back to work for a 'rest', haha!

This.

One is not so bad, but two can be chaotic. But the joy they bring is worth it.

I'm a single mum to one dc, and no family help. Full time working, child minder and then primary school/ASC for ds. Yes it was non-stop rush.

I'm enjoying myself this week. Ds is now 17 and on half term.

I had a 3 day weekend. All the washing is done and I had time to give myself a pedicure for the first time this year. I spoke to a friend and a sister on the phone and went for a run. 😁

It sounds like people are enjoying scaring you, which isn't kind. But, it is correct that your life will change and you'll be a lot busier if you have a child/children. The biggest change will be that you will have a LOT less control and life will be a lot less predictable. You spend a lot of time reacting to situations once you have children. And it is physically intense and a lot of work especially in the beginning. It is sensible for you to be aware of that. How rushed you'll feel partly depends on your individual circumstances: the personality of the child you have (how easily they sleep and eat, how much they like following instructions, how energetic they are etc etc), whether you have more than one child, whether you reduce your work hours, how well you both adjust, how well you work together as parents, how much your family helps, whether your home is well set up for children and so on and so on.
Most parents I know have a least two or three months years in the journey where every day feels impossible and you find yourself sobbing out of sheer overwhelm in the toilet with the door locked trying to avoid the kids thinking FFS how does anyone survive this??
But those stages don't usually last too long. If you and partner both like calm there's a good chance your child will enjoy calm too.

So many people create unnecessary rush and busyness. They have 3 children, each of whom plays 4 different sports and has 2 other hobbies so they spend most of their their free time ferrying the children from one place to another against the clock. When they do have nothing scheduled they trek round shopping centres and supermarkets en famille and have a long list of ‘must do’ things like picking a pumpkin and a Christmas tree and a Christmas light trail and having breakfast with Santa and decorating the house for Easter, Halloween. At all costs they must be ‘making memories’. Oh and of course they have a dog as well 😅

At the other end of the spectrum you have parents who do next to nothing with their children and they spend a lot of time on screens etc. I don’t think those people are rushing around much.

There is a fair amount of inherent busyness and rush with children, especially when they are small. But there is also a fair amount of choice in how to live your life as a family.

I’m not sure what you mean entirely - how is your life calm
and serene with two high pressure jobs? Basically the massive shock is how little you will control of your life, particularly in the early years but my kids are 9 and 13 and my entire world is still a reflection of theirs. Right now I’m sat at the GP as my son is unwell. I should be at work but I can’t be so now whenever I get to work I’ll have double to catch up on - or more depending on what this is. Tonight I’ll need to bundle him in the car and drive my daughter to ballet class. Tomorrow I have a meeting for my daughter dance team and my son (maybe) has football - they’re at the same time so I’ll be rushing round in circles late or early to everything. Of course maybe not because who knows if my son will be better. So as much as we plan and organise and systemise, it’s not really in our control.

I never understand why people feel the need to make these sorts of statements. Yes, smetimes, having children can involve a lot of rushing around. But it depend son the family and the children and how much needs to be done and how chaotic lives are. My sister has plenty of money to throw at problems, and lots of space - they are still often busy, but there's usually less mad rushing around because, for example, she has cleaners twice a week, a large hallway where all kids stuff has its own speific storage space, and a nanny who helps with lots of the logistics and admin and driving around. Her and her DH also have very regular and reliable schedules so while they both work hard and long hours, it's at set times and places.

For us, there was sometimes more rushing around because things could be a bit more chaotic. We're both self employed for a start, with more erratic schedules, so a consistent routine was harder. We don't have as much help at home so are often working around mess, other chores etc.

But I'd say we did less rushing around and manic stressing that other people because we also were quite strict about what we committed to.

So it's really different for everyone basically.