Is family life with children really one constant rush?

[LivelaughLibby]

Me and DH are TTC and for context, in our mid-thirties. We get plenty of unsolicited advice/ opinion on babies and children generally and I cannot work out if I’m being too sensitive (I probably am).

Most of the comments are “just you wait” type comments but the recurring theme or maybe the topic that has me most worried is the constant rush everyone talks about. The rush to get up, get changed, breakfast sorted and off to nursery/ school then the rush to work, repeat and rinse for collecting after nursery/ school etc.

Is it really that bad? Is life just one big rush? We have such intense jobs that we have made sure our life is as calm and peaceful as we can make it! I’m not sure if that would just continue and filter down to a child/ children or if we are being naive and we need to brace for chaos.

Yeah agree with this.

Life for us as HENRYs prekids was a solid 7....

we had 2 under 2 and both still work FT.... i'd say now we regularly hover at 6 a lot and have a few days that are a 2s but we also hit 10s alot.

And the 10s are 🥰😍🤩🫠🫠🫠 and make it all worth it.

We both work full time, two kids. Yes, I’d say we’re often in a rush. Never enough time for anything.

It’s a big change, but you’ll do fine.

There’s a lot of rushing around (or trying to rush, with a dawdling child) when you both work, just because of rush hour timings / nursery illnesses / toddlers with strong opinions who don’t share your priorities.

You get used to it, though. And apart from nursery / school runs a lot of the rushing is optional.

And not everyone finds it tough. Some people (not me 😞) have the good fortune to be extremely organised and tidy and punctual by nature, and often those people reproduce with similar people, and have children who are innately organised and agreeable. These parents (along with the very wealthy, or well supported parents) seem to find it all a breeze, and never know what anyone’s talking about when they say family life is stressful. You and your partner may be calm and organised people who have calm and organised babies - it’s not uncommon!

But people who find parenting a doddle tend not to talk too much about it because (a) it doesn’t make for very interesting conversation (b) nobody wants to hear it when they’re struggling with PPD or a non-sleeping colicky baby or a demon toddler or unexpected triplets or whatever.

People manage one way or the other.

It would be lovely if you do decide and are fortunate enough to conceive! I think we all have our own 'hypothetical child' and perfect plans in our heads before we start, so it’s really interesting to see yours mapped out.
Please do come back to this thread in a couple of years to update us on how the reality of your little one compares to the plans you’ve made! I’d love to see how things actually played out for you, and it would be nice to see and might be good for others who are maybe asking similar questions in the future. Good luck x

😂 You are the Queen of passive aggression and I absolutely love it

You honestly just can't predict how it will be. I remember reading loads on MN about how once you've had one baby, having another is straightforward as second babies just 'slot into family life'.

I wish someone had explained that to DC2, a tiny tornado who pretty much levelled our fairly chilled life with DC1 and made us build a new (but also lovely) normal!

T honestly depends on how you set up your life, and on your priorities.

If you have fomo and want to schedule literally every moment with memorable occasions, extra curricular classes and choose schools/jobs far from home then yes. But we specifically chose to take a big financial hit to live more quietly, with DH cutting down to 4 days per week and me working from home. We didn’t do extra dance classes etc, DH worked near home to begin with, and hobbies got dropped.

Now I’m a sahm but that’s due to neurodivergent kids who can’t do school. But still, very little rushing around.

It’s chaotic in a wonderful way, but no I don’t feel like it’s a constant rush with no stopping all day everyday. I’ve got two and yes things have to be done at a certain time and there’s structure and routine but in my situation for example my partner and I have evenings together from 7pm when the children are in bed and we unwind and relax which helps recharge us for the next day. Ignore the “just wait” brigade, having children is awesome

Are you me? 😂 this is exactly my experience, my first was the most happy, chilled and easy going little kid alive and we expected the same with our second. We were wrong, she’s a menace in every sense of the word but she’s fucking awesome and makes the new normal even more fun!

You have really made me miss being pregnant. That first pregnancy with your first is so incredibly magical. You're so excited and optimistic and have all these wonderful ideas about what a great, organized, patient parent you will be, and your career will go on as before, and your DH will be an equal parent, and babies will just slot into your life etc etc. They future looks so bright and you are so naive. I'd pay anything for that feeling again.

😂😂😂

To be fair, I have two DC and still get the same optimism sometimes. 'Baby three will be the easy one, baby three would slot in'. NO IT WOULDN'T, STOP IT HORMONES! 🤣

Me too 😂 it’s all about babygros and which pram.

It’s a constant rush if you have a baby but don’t leave enough time to allow for last minute poos etc

and if you have a toddler that is defiant.

otherwise I’ve found I’m often early as I allow for things to go wrong. When they’re in the buggy age it’s fine.

Also when you have a newborn the nights are a bit screamy but daytimes can be hours of lying in bed with cuddles and the tv on while eating cake it’s great

Oh now I believed this when I had ds. I thought I’d get to lie around with a sleeping baby just reading and watching TV for hours. Absolutely not. DD was a snoozy baby, but I had a toddler then so no lazing around watching TV.

It just goes to show, all babies are different.

This sounds horrific. What happens if you literally cannot come get the child within an hour? DH and I both work 1.5 hours from home.

I wouldn’t ever say it was calm, peaceful or relaxing no.

My eldest had colic and would scream for hours at a time the first few months of his life. I’d be desperately rocking and pacing with him, trying to feed him and he’d just scream without stopping. The sound really gets to you, just this wall of noise.

As a toddler he got seriously ill and spent a lot of time in hospital, in and out for various tests. Then discovering he has Sen needs… I had a second baby, she’s lovely and sometimes they play well but other times I have to pull them off each other before someone gets hurt.

Everyone’s experience is different though. You might get one of the more chilled out ones!

No if you get a unpredictable buggy refuser who planks it isn't!

That is a rule at all childcare providers. Sometimes it’s 30 mins. You have to make sure someone is available or provide an emergency contact.

Good parents put their children first. That doesn't mean giving them everything they ask for but it does mean putting their needs above your own. If you don't think you can do that I'm not sure parenthood is for you.
I also think in reality restricting the child to one hobby is unrealistic. What if they like football and art would you make them choose only one? Or if they like dance, singing and acting all are related but separate and necessary if they decide they want to become a performer. What if they don't want to learn an instrument but want to do several different sports ? Children have to try lots of different things to decide what they like and take forward.

I don’t have any regrets about becoming a Mum but I do find weekdays a constant rush. Being on maternity leave with my 2nd has made me see how bad it was and how stressful it is trying to manage work and everything else during the week. I work 0.8 FTE but wish I could drop more hours and am dreading going back to work with 2 separate drop offs. We gave no family help with the children but do have a cleaner once a week. We don’t schedule too much at the weekends and usually do simple outings like the playground rather than full day outs so we do get some downtime.

I think the major difference for me is that my home is no longer somewhere I am relaxed and can ‘chill.’ I’m hoping that this will change one day but at the moment it isn’t.

I don’t get to watch a show I want to watch or read or just sit / lie somewhere undisturbed or uninterrupted for a period of time.

I don’t regret them but I don’t know why the above didn’t occur to me.

If you look at parents with their kids, none of those moments will look really inherently stressful in the way (for example) a medical
emergency is.

It’s the relentlessness of it. If you saw me walking down the road, I would seem fine. If it told you I had already walked 50 miles and had another 20 to go, that would seem less fine, and you would understand why I appeared exhausted.

Parenthood is 1 massive long plod. There’s always something coming up, and choosing how you spend long swathes of time just isn’t an option any more. Every single day I have to provide breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can’t just choose to lie in, or skip a meal, or ‘I’ll have something later’. Same with bathtime, bedtime. These daily rituals happen at the same time every single day, unless something unusual is going on. Every morning for around 2,000 mornings I have got up at the latest by 7am.

So while I’m ok in the moment, overall I am very very tired in a way a good night’s sleep (or Mumsnet favourite, a night away alone in a hotel) can’t fix. I can’t afford to ‘switch off’ for the weekend, or to disengage my brain for long.

It’s constant. And for a very long time. Longer than you think.

Yes!!!! My home is where my other set of duties outside paid work happens, and it set up for that purpose now.

We have a lovely life. We are outdoorsy, we love to cook and travel. Hopefully, we can make adding children to the mix work without it being too chaotic/ stressful!

The travel will be a thing of the past. Yes you’ll get somebody sprinting in to say they travelled with DC but the vast majority of even the keenest and most experimental travellers I know, have not really travelled since having children.

Mealtimes change shape completely and are no longer a relaxing experience for me. I have to supervise my 2 kids washing their hands, get them sat up, put bibs on, weather the usual tantrums of ‘she has my favourite cup’, before assisting the youngest in eating his food and negotiating with my oldest about how many more mouthfuls she has to eat before she can have ‘pudding’ (yoghurt/fruit).

Every single person thinks they’ll do it differently - that somehow their quiet determination to have a wonderful relaxing family life will somehow manifest in the kids. I cannot stress how inaccurate this is. I know highly organised ambitious very clever women who have been reduced to sobbing wrecks within a year or two. Many have had long periods of PND and frankly just depression from their ‘new life’. One of them snapped, ran away and had to be located by the police. She’s otherwise a highly qualified and capable woman.