Is family life with children really one constant rush?

[LivelaughLibby]

Me and DH are TTC and for context, in our mid-thirties. We get plenty of unsolicited advice/ opinion on babies and children generally and I cannot work out if I’m being too sensitive (I probably am).

Most of the comments are “just you wait” type comments but the recurring theme or maybe the topic that has me most worried is the constant rush everyone talks about. The rush to get up, get changed, breakfast sorted and off to nursery/ school then the rush to work, repeat and rinse for collecting after nursery/ school etc.

Is it really that bad? Is life just one big rush? We have such intense jobs that we have made sure our life is as calm and peaceful as we can make it! I’m not sure if that would just continue and filter down to a child/ children or if we are being naive and we need to brace for chaos.

It’s not necessarily a rush but there’s a lot of situations that are time limited, multiple times a day, every day of the week. It does grind you down. I wouldn’t change it but it is constant sacrifice and not living on your terms and timings.

Yes it’s a rush because we are all time poor. My mornings are awful with the kids because i start work at 8am and trying to get them and myself sorted before then is chaos.

Tbh though, parenthood has been full of things we would have never anticipated, in a bad way. It has also wrecked my physical and mental health.

So yes, when people tell you this stuff, believe them.

Let’s just say, if reincarnation exists, I plan on staying child-free next time round.

Every family is different - what is a rush for one is not got another. What one can cope with, another can't. I don't think it is entirely down to how you parent or what you are like at home, sometimes children's personalities change everything, sometimes they slot into your life the way it is.

Is there a rush to get places? Sometimes. Some days we are rushing to get out, some days we are well ahead of time. Nothing has changed in the routine, its just how it is.
Life is all about what you make it. We are a busy family by choice. We put our children into a lot of activities and do a lot in the summer months. But that is how we like it. Some people comment they couldn't cope with how we are but that is just us.

It is sometimes a rush, and it is definitely chaos, but it’s worth it (you need to be prepared to lose the ‘calm and peaceful’ life though)

I think it all depends.

I expected someone to say this, but I am actually finding our lives more chaotic as they get older. Ours were reasonably chill as babies and toddlers, but it is the routine imposed by school, preps, music practice, exams, sports fixtures, parent evenings, weekend parties etc that seem to see us rushing about - especially on the weekends.

Different people will struggle with different things.

Yes there is a lot of rushing I was always on the go before children so it's never been a bother. What I find difficult is the constant demands and them never being able to wait for anything.

Arrgghhhhh!

😆

Yes, some people prefer to have their children very scheduled.

We hate it - not least because I actually worry it really isn't that good for them to live like that through developing years.

So there are a lot of decisions.

Depends really. I have 4 DDs, life was a constant blur for about 10 years because one was a gymnast competing internationally and training a million hours a week an hour from home and we were both working full time. If you have one baby and you don't work, life would look much different. It's all circumstantial.

The pressure of juggling kids is completely impossible to understand until you've had them. But people are ridiculous for saying things like "you just wait" because all parents have made the transition and survived, as will all future parents!

I'll probably get shit for this but I think this sort of stress is almost inevitable for families where both parents work full time. Unless you have the money to outsource and get a nanny or housekeeper or extended family that take kids to school. You get the odd person that needs a lot less sleep or downtime than average but most people in this situation seem burnt out.

yeah, I agree. For a while, due to a long-term project for me and DH taking on a part time job, we had a period where the mornings were just much calmer. And it was because we had a very consistent routine. On set days, I got up and left the house early, DH got up at 7am and sorted kids and left to go to work, and on the other days, he got up early and left the house and I got up at 7 am to sort kids and be at my computer by 9am. It was actually lovely. Now that we're back into a more erratic schedule, the mornings definitely feel a little more manic. Not crazy, but a bit! DH also had a tendency not to give himself/the kids enough time when he was in charge. and I think that set period of a routine actually really made him realise he had to get up a bit earlier if he wanted to get everything done calmly. Vs when he was doing it spontaneously and would go to bed thinking a 7:30 wake up would be fine.

Yes, you lose all of your time-the second you take a breath you hear mammy can I, mammy I’ve lost, mammy I dropped … etc etc.

At night when you’re ready to fall on the floor you get a ten minute conversation on what happened that day even though you actually got no answer when you had a chance earlier to sit down and talk!!

They also wake you up to get rid of spiders/ because they had a nightmare when you’re on the floor and ready to cry!!

My son once arrived down at four o clock in the morning to tell me he had a project due that day he hadn’t started and the teacher had told him he was in huge trouble if he didn’t have it in as he hadn’t handed in the last one (something I knew nothing about), so we had to do the most random project in three and a half hours before I had to get everyone up, make lunches and my other son couldn’t find his pe gear as it was in the wash so we had to go to Tesco before school. When I arrived into work there were people saying you poor thing to a girl who had woken up at half six and couldn’t get back to sleep before work. I didn’t even tell anyone 😅

They will be sick when you have to be in work and need something as soon as you’re going to be late.

Worth it though. Totally worth it, my kids are everything and some of my best moments have been because of them!

There is always a comment that it isn't good for children to be busy but ours thrive on it. We don't 'schedule' them, its more that we don't limit what our children chose to do. Whatever sport and activity they want to do or try, we try to make work within reason with money obviously. We make the most of holidays but seeing friends with children, letting our children chose what they would like to do of the days we have off work. Their current favourite thing is camping so we do as much as we can when we can in the summer, as between Sept and May I feel its too cold to camp for children.

One child is enjoyable. Two isn’t IME. Two brings chaos with it and some people don’t mind that and thrive off it even. I don’t!

I love mine but I am fairly certain if I could have not met them I’d have stayed at one.

Yes there are two schools of thought on this, you are right.

I do believe children need lots of what I would call "blank time." It's the time when I played imaginary games by myself, or made up poems, or examined bugs and flowers in the garden or even just thought about the world. But maybe because I had lots of that is why I am wired to think it is healthy. However I do think previous generations had much more of it.

The main thing is not that it is hectic per se, but that it is relentless and you need to make sure you both have downtime, in whatever form that takes.

The main things I missed were lie ins and both being able to go out together after work for impromptu drinks or dinner or exhibitions/shows/museums etc in London. The first one we sorted by taking it in turns to have a lie in and the second we had to wait until DDs were older to enjoy again.

How about we reframe it and ask you op what you picture parenthood being like?

When you imagine having kids, what kinds of things do you picture?

Absolutely not, my kids would just come with us as a unit. They're the best thing I ever did. You're as rushed as you want to be with kids.

However if you genuinely don't have time for them then possibly reconsider as they do need a lot of attention but we enjoyed that.

Very true! Whole class parties have been the killer for weekends for me. My fault entirely for accepting so many but my DD loves them and I feel mean saying no when we have nothing else booked in!

I think this is where I kind of realise my life must be vastly different to others’ as (genuinely) what would you be doing with small children that a party would prevent? I’ve phrased that badly but I mean, whatever it was would be a ‘child’ thing, or would it?

My life in like that with or without kids, cos I'm me. So I'm pretty sure you'll have a different experience. Routine, getting enough sleep, looking after your health, it all impacts. It is worth thinking about where the space in your life will come though. There is extra stuff to do with kdis and if you can't fit that in, you end up in chaos.

It depends a lot on your lifestyle and decisions around family life, and the temperament and personality of your family. We have 2 dcs and life is busy but not chaotic. Factors that help include having a decent gap between dcs (4 years), me working pt with flexible hours, DH's work is flexible and can wfh sometimes, short walking distance to work, school and hobbies, neither of us work away or work evenings or weekends, both of us are hands-on with dcs all weekend and on holidays rather than taking turns to go off and do our own thing. We don't have a nanny or family around to help out, but we use holiday camps and after school care when it's convenient and to keep the dcs entertained, without stressing too much over the costs and regardless of working hours.

We do have quite a lot of scheduled and booked activities as we believe it's neecessary to maximise opportunities. It's a mix of classes to widen their breadth and keep them active, and cultural experiences that we do as a family. We'd miss out on so much if we just did unscheduled things.

What ive seen in real life and what ive read online, being a parent is not a job i would want.

Theres the good the bad and the ugly.

This is why I accept them, as they are good for my DD socially. But often they take up the middle of our only free day in the week, so I would likely be letting DC do their own thing at home whilst I do chores (which makes the rest of my week more relaxing) or doing things I enjoy. Or doing things that include my DC but are just as much for me as they are for them ie gardening or a walk somewhere. Days out with my DC do full my cup so to speak but making small talk with Mums whilst my DD is on a bouncy castle in a community centre feels more like a chore. And taking our time to get there rather than needing to be at some play centre for 11am.

Depends on the ship you run?

If you're organised and orderly, then the house/kids/routine will fall suite ( roughly)