Is family life with children really one constant rush?

[LivelaughLibby]

Me and DH are TTC and for context, in our mid-thirties. We get plenty of unsolicited advice/ opinion on babies and children generally and I cannot work out if I’m being too sensitive (I probably am).

Most of the comments are “just you wait” type comments but the recurring theme or maybe the topic that has me most worried is the constant rush everyone talks about. The rush to get up, get changed, breakfast sorted and off to nursery/ school then the rush to work, repeat and rinse for collecting after nursery/ school etc.

Is it really that bad? Is life just one big rush? We have such intense jobs that we have made sure our life is as calm and peaceful as we can make it! I’m not sure if that would just continue and filter down to a child/ children or if we are being naive and we need to brace for chaos.

It is a constant rush if you're aspirational middle class, unless your dc are boarders.

I think it is if you have your DC signed up for lots of extra curricular activities, when I first had DD I signed up for loads of parent and baby classes, swimming club etc and it was so much stress trying to be on time for everything, now I just do drop ins and see if we feel like it on the day. The weeks are a rush in the morning, trying to get everyone ready and out the door on time, so I like our weekends to feel a bit chiller.

It's what you make it. If you take charge, don't let the kids run the gauntlet, you're fine! The 1st year up to 3 is definitely hectic especially if you're doing on demand feeding and they don't understand the world. Your job is to train them to behave well and not be a pain in the arse.

Life with young children is rarely calm.
I'm afraid you are being very naïve if you think that your calm and peaceful life will filter down to the children.
You can't plan for a necessary nappy change just as you are about to leave the house or sudden projectile vomiting requiring a change of clothes or tantrums because the socks are uncomfortable etc etc.
I wouldn't change a thing but children and a peaceful life don't really coexist!

Thank you to everyone who has offered their view/ experience. We don’t doubt that we want children, I think our caution comes from the fear of the unknown.

Just to answer a few of the questions I picked up whilst reading. I work from home fairly regularly and DH is out of the house 5 days a week (currently). We have discussed DH working 3 longer days in the week and potentially a Saturday if that would suit us better. We shall see!

In terms of support, we think grandparents will be involved but again, what they say and what they do may be different. My parents have retired early and always talk about grandchildren fondly - so again, we shall see.

We have an equal relationship so I don’t worry about that.

I have to be honest, I don’t see me being a parent that always puts my children first (I know this sounds bad) in the sense that their every desire is above ours. When I was younger, I was allowed one hobby and allowed to play one instrument. I think I’d put similar boundaries in place for any child(ten) we have.

We have a lovely life. We are outdoorsy, we love to cook and travel. Hopefully, we can make adding children to the mix work without it being too chaotic/ stressful!

I've got two - both in primary school, I work part time, DH works more than full time and travels frequently. It's fairly relentless.

Morning drop offs, especially if you need to be somewhere at a set time can but hectic but I actually found the nursery years reasonably easy because it doesn't really matter! School is a whole different thing - last week we had two awards assemblies on different days, a dress up day, forest school for DC2 and the kitchen was closed on Friday so extra packed lunch for DC1. Plus extra curriculars and sometimes I feel like all I do is whizz round our town dropping kids at different locations.

The worst bit though is getting everyone home, being knackered and then having to make dinner. I've been at work all day, it's still 28 degrees, I'm happy to eat crisps and hummus but no, here I am doing fish fingers and beans.

I think you sound like someone who really values organisation and boundaries and that’s great. Just please remember that you can’t order a specific child - you need to be flexible and not place too many expectations around what you or they will need or want. I waited until my 30s for children and did it on purpose, and it was still a shock to find out how little control I had. I couldn’t make them
sleep, I couldn’t make them like the things I thought they would, and I couldn’t make my daughter be neurotypical. Supporting her is overwhelming and I drown in it often and that wasn’t part of any planning. I think one of the things that made that so hard years ago is that I was sure I’d be a much more boundary led parent and maintain my interests and friendships and fitness and relationship - and it turned out I can only do some of that some of the time as she is all encompassing.

I think it’s hard for mornings not to be a rush a lot of the time and there’s only so much you can control, you’ll get to the door and someone will need a poo or a bag has been forgotten so you have to rush home or someone just doesn’t fancy getting dressed or someone spills milk all over the place. No matter how early we are awake, those last few steps of leaving the house have a tendency to go wrong.

I think you can control some of the rushing otherwise by being sensible about extra-curricular stuff, not over-committing to activities, etc. We don’t usually have rushed evenings but DD1(7) only does one after-school activity currently (she does another but it’s straight from school without going home so no rushing required there)

I have to be honest, I don’t see me being a parent that always puts my children first (I know this sounds bad) in the sense that their every desire is above ours.

I know this is patronising, been there got the t-shirt, but wait and see how you feel once those powerful mum hormones kick in, it will be largely about them.

It’s true that nothing prepares you for it, and I also cringed reading this from the OP. Definitely a “just you wait” moment 😁 They become your entire being.

That being said, I know what the OP means and I hope she does achieve it. I was raised the same way in that my parents very much had lives of their own and, even though I had a wonderful childhood, they did not put my every want or whim above living their own adult lives. I think that was typical in the 80s and 90s and a lot of parents now have swung too far the other way. I know so many people who have been entirely consumed by parenthood. I didn’t want that. I wanted to raise a child the way I was raised, with more balance. We have been very successful in doing so and our lives are not at all hectic or rushed, and I do think it’s just as important for children to be raised this way as it is for the adults and their sanity and sense of self.

It’s definitely something to strive for in my opinion OP, but do brace yourself for feelings you’re probably not prepared for!

It’s partly that they do take over but it’s also that selfishly if my children are happy and entertained that’s less work for me, to put it very baldly. That’s why I like it when we get party invitations because otherwise I’d be wondering what to do with our Saturday, what soft play or park or farm or whatever to go to, but if there’s a party that box is ticked, someone else has paid and they get fed too.

Having kids is 10x harder than you can imagine but 10000x more rewarding, special and all consumingly wonderful than I could have ever imagined. After years of infertility life does feel busy and stressful but I also feel incredibly happy every day. Don’t let people scare you.

Sorry, I just wanted to add.... I have 4 kids and absolutely not. But I know I'll miss it when they've all gone.

I must be an even worse parent than I thought I was!

@LivelaughLibby It gets easier as the kids get older. Mine are 4 and 7 and I freelance from home. I get up about 8am, get them ready for school and I'm back home by 9.30. Have the day to work or relax depending on my schedule, pick them up at 3.15 and then have a pretty leisurely afternoon /evening until bedtime at around 8pm. I'm aware I'm very lucky to have a supportive husband and a flexible career, and it was more stressful when the kids were younger, but now the oldest can make breakfast for them both, they can dress themselves, entertain each other for long stretches of time, I'd say that life is pretty peaceful.

It depends on your temperament, work situation, partner, and kids temperaments, but no my life definitely isn't one big rush. Since becoming a freelancer, my life with two kids is absolutely less rushed and stressful than pre-kids when I was working full time. Also regarding not always putting your kids needs first, I agree. There's no need for parents to be martyrs as long as their kids are fed, warm, safe and loved. You need to fill your own cup as well as everyone else's, and I do feel a big part of some mum's constant stress is the need to be perfect saints at the detriment to their own and their kids mental wellbeing.

I have to be honest, I don’t see me being a parent that always puts my children first (I know this sounds bad) in the sense that their every desire is above ours.

It doesn’t sound bad. The problem is, though, they have their ways :) Maybe other children are less high maintenance, but if I decided to sit down for half an hour to relax, read a book and have a glass of wine while I let DS play by himself, DS would literally scream down the place for this half an hour. On balance, half an hour playing with him and no screams is more relaxing than half an hour reading with a screaming child next to me. So unfortunately, even if I would like to sometimes put my own needs first, it just doesn’t work for me.

Agree! I think that might be where the “just you wait” type comments are coming from. We probably all said nothing would change when we became parents!

I was a real career person before having children and was not prepared for how my priorities totally shifted once my eldest was born. Not saying it will happen to you, but it might. I don’t think you can fully know how you will parent until you’re in it. I’m grateful to still really like my job, but it’s been shunted down my priority list now that I have three children.

But that’s not to say that life has to become a chaotic mess where you lose yourself. I am lucky to genuinely love parenting and I think we do a pretty good job of making sure we do things that we all enjoy as a family. Most moments are better because of the children - though life is totally different to how I thought it would look when I was first TTC! I think you can make it work as long as you’re open minded and adapt to whatever happens.

Not going to lie. It’s absolute fucking chaos. And we have pretty chill children.

And when you did finally sit down and think ahh this is nice. One of the kids will inevitably trip over and smash their face on something 😭

I exaggerate slightly but I also do not. That was yesterday for me 😂

But it’s the best thing you will ever do. It really is. 100% worth it.

Yep, this is totally my life. It isn’t that I don’t want to put myself first; I’m given no choice in the matter!

You might be surprised by how much your priorities change when your child arrives

No rush here. Mine are up at 5am I've lived three lives before school time. We don't pack in 1000 clubs or commitments so weekdays and weekends are chill. I have additional needs in the mix and nowhere seems to provide any childcare at all for them other than a one to one specialised nanny so no need to rush to childcare either. Working is pretty hard and needs to be flexible so other struggles definitely but never really any rushing. Pretty organised and on the ball though so thay definitely helps. To a certain degree your life can be as calm as you make it.

Yes I knew all about parenting before I had a baby!

Yes, it's a constant rush/stress/being pulled in different directions.

I'm late 30s with a 4 yo. I WFH 2 days and in the office 2 days in a stressful and high pressure job. Often work on my 'non-working day' due to client demands.

In my experience:
Under 1 - poor sleep, weaning is awful, brain dead during mat leave with a baby who had such bad reflux we all needed 3 spare outfits if leaving the house for any substantial length of time.

1 - 2 years - return to work guilt, constantly sick baby (and we caught everything too) when they start nursery. Vitamin deficiencies for me and generally feeling like crap.

2 - 3 years - feels a bit easier with sleep and food, but you're firmly into tantrums which slow down the morning/evening rush pre and post-nursery.

3 - 4 years - food and sleep generally good, illnesses improved but the "I want to do it" kicks in and tantrums/emotional dysregulation still high.

I couldn't do my job without my husband having a very good amount of flexibility - and now not working. Now DC is at preschool he does almost all drop off and pick ups and most after school and holiday care. I spend my life feeling guilty either because I'm not with DC enough or because I am dropping one of many balls at work. It's stressful.

Having said all of that, if you can come to terms with no more lie ins, very little free time (because you're either working, parenting or if you're lucky, sleeping) then you'll be rewarded with an awesome little bestie who makes you laugh so much and beam with pride- for me right now that's DC counting to 50 and starting to read and spell, as well as developing lovely little friendships. I do miss my old life of fancy restaurants, lie ins, boozy weekends and general ability to do whatever the hell I liked - but I wouldn't change it. Having said that, we're sticking at one!

Yes, no, and it depends 😁

I found that once the baby was born, every ounce of my "free time" evaporated.

No time for dithering or stopping by the shops after work - need to rush to pick up the kids then straight to making dinner because they'll be starving and exhausted and need to be in bed by 7.30pm or they'll get overtired and won't fall asleep, so if you miss that window you'll lose out on time to take care of yourself etc

Things like that!

And it all depends on the child you have.

I am less child-centric than my husband (which is funny because we were both raised in very much non-child centric households). But my DC is strong willed, independent, knows what they want and it's really hard to not make it all about them. I get very jealous of parents of chilled kids - it's not something I'll ever experience!