Is family life with children really one constant rush?

[LivelaughLibby]

Me and DH are TTC and for context, in our mid-thirties. We get plenty of unsolicited advice/ opinion on babies and children generally and I cannot work out if I’m being too sensitive (I probably am).

Most of the comments are “just you wait” type comments but the recurring theme or maybe the topic that has me most worried is the constant rush everyone talks about. The rush to get up, get changed, breakfast sorted and off to nursery/ school then the rush to work, repeat and rinse for collecting after nursery/ school etc.

Is it really that bad? Is life just one big rush? We have such intense jobs that we have made sure our life is as calm and peaceful as we can make it! I’m not sure if that would just continue and filter down to a child/ children or if we are being naive and we need to brace for chaos.

Having just one makes a big difference I think. We have one (who is now nearly 7) and our lives aren’t particularly rushed or stressed. We often have a panic in the last few minutes leaving the house but, frankly, DH and I are both professional procrastinators so that happened before we had a child! We also both work full time in pretty intense roles but because we waited until we were relatively senior before having children, we have a lot of flexibility over our own schedules. We have made a lot of choices over the years to make our lives easy too, like where we live or where DS goes to school.

No, it’s never been a constant rush for us. It’s often been busy but we have always been organised so it’s been fine. We both changed our working hours to fit better around our children when they were young. We both did the parenting, neither of us was the default parent. It makes a big difference to have 2 parents actually parenting rather than mum doing everything and dad ‘helping’ occasionally. We also said no to things with other people if it meant we would end up rushing around. I loved it when our kids were young, they were some of the happiest times, and for us, there is no love and happiness that compares to after we had our children.

Think of your 24 hour day just now. Then think about an additional person who relies totally on you and partner for absolutely everything, with their needs trumping yours every single time. Think about broken sleep, early starts, demands and tantrums, fussy eaters, illnesses, clothing, nursery, school projects and mufti days, homework, exams, mental health and friendship dramas, child admin like dentists and vaccines, clubs, taxiing service, playdates, entertainment, kid's parties etc etc. And that's before you think of yourself, your work, hobbies, relationship, housework. Then think of your original 24 hours and you can see how fitting it all in to the same time could be a rush. It's lovely, most of the time, but it's the very opposite of calm.

Depends on your child and your personality - lots of variables. I personally HAVE found it a constant rush and I am very organised.

Our son has ADHD tho and I am being assessed for ASD so those extra neurodivergences do not help.

This. And the day to day stuff you don’t think of.

My kids are currently 5 and 2. One of the most stressful parts of the day is when looking after them by myself while also trying to get dinner ready. They are often annoying eachother, or moaning they can’t play in the garden because i can’t supervise them while in the kitchen, or my 2 year old does 2 poos and i have to change her nappy twice while cooking.

I guess in that case I’d probably alternate you and DH going. I know I sound really nitpicky but can’t you do those things around the party?

Yes and it gets worse as they get older

We can and we do and I'm happy with my life. I just mean as an introverted person this likes calm and chill like the OP I am saying this has been one of the more negative aspects of parenting for me.

Fair enough. I’m only asking because there is no way I’d get calm or chill regardless so I appreciate party invites because it gives me a break for a couple of hours!

I was surprised that life with a baby wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, having had all the same comments as you, OP. I'm lucky I had fairly easy children. It not so much that you're in a permanent rush. It's the fact you cannot switch off. You're driving back after a weekend away, thinking about relaxing with a drink but instead you've got to unpack the baby's stuff, wash up and sterilise bottles, bath them, put them to bed and that's before you do anything for yourself, like starting to make a meal. Obviously it's easier with 2 parents but still, not like life pre- DC.
Then fast forward to when they're on the move - you have to permanently watch them. When they're older it's fitting in the school run, football training, ballet, play dates around everything you actually want to do. Then they get to teenage and you're driving them around to their part time job and picking them up from clubs at 1am. Finding time for yourself, as a couple, one on one time with each child. Yes you get downtime but it IS a busier life than without DC.

I would say the rushing begins when they go to school, esp if multiple school runs and work etc. It is more highly demanding and relentless wh
en they're toddlers and into everything.

It is a huge lifestyle change, and this wqs something that I hugely struggled with when I had my first. Leaving a full time job to being at home with a high needs baby was not the way I had envisioned things! Nothing can prepare you for the progressive sleep deprivation, regressions and being constantly touched, watched on the toilet, and the not being able to just leave the house without a military operation scenarios. I remember missing an appointment, as just as I was leaving dc had a huge blow out.

You might hit it lucky op, and have a relaxed happy baby! We had a silent reflux screaming miserable baby , and demanding toddler with speech delays, so i didn't get a second to myself! Now we know he has AuADHD so it all makes sense.

Younger child was a happy settled baby once we took care of the reflux he also had, slept well and wasn't any bother. He however turned into a little monkey of a toddler, and pulled our Christmas tree over one year despite a barrier 🫣. Dc1 didn't dp any of that as was dragging me around and using me as a climbing frame instead.

It gets easier in some ways as they get older, when you can have a cup of tea in peace and time to yourself, but then this brings other challenges. I now understand why my parents said you never stop worrying about your children.

It honestly depends on your child, circumstances, and how much /if any support you have, but undoubtedly your life changes, and your priorities.

At the moment, you go to work and your evenings and weekends are how you choose to spend them. Adding a child to that may not be "chaos" exactly, but it will be busier than it is now, because after work (after mat leave is over) you'll have to pick up the child from childcare and do bathtime and bedtime before you can relax on the sofa. (Unless you plan to have a nanny who does that?) And at weekends you'll have to get up at whatever time they wake and look after them.

It's inevitable that your life will become busier, because you are adding a whole new aspect that you don't currently have to fit in. For most of us it's worth it, but if you think it will be too stressful then one of you may need to step back a bit in your career / stop at one child / pay for more childcare than most of us do etc.

I want and need quiet, calm and peace and I chose a childfree life. Absolute bliss, no money on earth could get me to have a kid.

If you also prioritise calm and peace, why do you want a child?

I definitely agree with this! You do get peace back "eventually", but the worry never stops. They bring a lot of joy, and when their personalities come out it is beautiful. They make us laugh and enrich our lives so much, and are just lovely to be around. We had our children at the right stage of life for us, and love having these cool little people in our house, on days out/little holidays etc with us.
I would be lying if I said I didn't sit and cry when my first was a baby thinking, "What have I done?!" Now I wouldn't go back for anything, I love being a Mum.
I realise it isn't for everyone though, and it is definately a huge gamble, as nothing is guaranteed.

It depends. I wouldn’t say our lives are rushed or chaotic, but also it’s definitely more intense and stressful than not having children was.

I know my limits and we chose to only have one child to keep our life as simple as possible (among other reasons). It means we only have one set of school/life/hobby admin to deal with and two parents to cover any driving around, clubs, parties etc. Looking at friends with more children, my life is definitely easier to manage. Even things like meeting up for play dates or nights out, there’s far less juggling on my end to organise things.

This will depend on so many things. I found it hard, really hard I'm not going to lie. But the highs are the biggest natural highs of my life and my heart is always full. I wouldn't change anything. I'm also a nicer person since having my daughter which is a bonu, it changed me as a person a lot.

Life is what you make it, OP. Having 3 children under 5 is going to be more hectic than having 1, and they don't start school until they are 4 at the earliest so don't worry about school runs yet. I didn't work until my DD was 18 months as I really wanted to be home with her although I did do lots of baby groups for my sanity rather than any benefit to the baby, but I didn't feel really rushed and I still work part time now.

I got into some routines and habits that helped me, but I do remember my days with a baby as being pretty slow paced, and even when I returned to work, it didn't feel like an insurmountable rush. I think the much longed for two year gap between children can be hectic but this is a choice. If you think you would like to have a baby, have one and don't rush around trying to do a million other things as well. See how you get on before you have more babies.

I don't like rushing so I avoid things that will make me rush even if it means saying no to things sometimes. I would never make a pack lunch/pack a school bag in the morning so all that was done the night before and the kids got involved in organising themselves pretty early on.

DD did do lots of extra curricular stuff but I kept it manageable for us and dropped things with glee the instant her interest waned. Also my DH is fab and pretty chilled out so it never felt like we were on a treadmill even with two older DSC who were with us 50/50. We also made sure to fit in lots of social and hobby stuff for us both as I think this helped us not feel like life was just chores.

We're not big spenders and didn't have lots of spare cash for fancy holidays/house with enough bedrooms/new things when DD was little and still haven't upgraded to a big house now, although we did build an extension so DD had her own room before she went to school and whilst lots of our friends have made different choices, I'm glad we chose time over money rather than trying to impress people with a big house/new car etc. I doubt I would have hoovered a bigger house any more often!

If both of you are working full time I think it can be more difficult and I was lucky that this wasn't necessary for us. My pension is rubbish mind you, but I have zero regrets about having more time and less money. Having a baby was also the very best thing I ever did. I wasn't a massive baby enthusiast but mine was the absolute best and I loved every season of it. I'm still smiling now (mostly) even though she's a teenager.

This.
Outside support can make it less hectic but, for those first fully dependant years (without outside help eg hands on grandparents etc), your life/time/energy is theirs 24-7.
i wouldn’t trade it back and have no regrets but that is the reality of parenting in my household.

I can only speak for the situation I personally am I, the children I have, and the ages of said children to date(1 & 4) but no, it certainly isn’t all rushing and chaos. In fact, it’s very rarely rushing and chaos. I’m a stay at home mum (for the most part, bit complicated bur for ease, SAHM!) and it’s a lovely little life. 4yo goes to preschool a couple of days a week but otherwise we potter in the garden, go down to the river and paddle or throw sticks, go to the beach, do some baking, crafts, puzzles or reading, go to the library… all those sorts of things. I don’t over schedule the kids, or myself, and I’m quite strict with their routines and bedtime etc. I’m reasonably strict generally, I don’t shout or anything like that if I can help it but I have quite clear expectations for their behaviour (as wanky as that sounds I can’t think how else to describe it!) but I’m aware that it’s also partly down to their temperaments. Same with sleep, they’re good sleepers too.
I guess some of it is your own personal temperament and circumstances too, well, no ‘I guess’, it really is.

Not a constant rush in my household (children 7, 5 and 3). Sometimes something goes wrong and we run late and are in a rush - more often than before children, but not that often.

We allow plenty of time for going out though - so if there's a last minute spillage (or nappy blowout in times past), it didn't make things late. We get things ready the night before for the morning, or in the morning for the afternoon.

The main reason, though, is that I'm a home-educating SAHM. We go out just as often as most families, possibly more often, but the timings are often informal, and I have enough time and flexibility to make things easier.

I really admire how you’ve structured your day to minimise that last-minute stress! It makes total sense that having that extra flexibility makes things smoother, I have bags packed, clothes out as far as socks in shoes, coffee machine prepped and table set for the next day (some may see it as a little over prepped, my adhd I think!) At the same time, I think it’s worth noting that not everyone has that same level of control over their schedule. For a lot of people, the chaos isn't for lack of trying to be organised, but rather the reality of juggling external demands alongside parenting and varying child needs.

Oh god, not for us, no. I hate rushing about. We like our quiet, calm, slow life. But we have set our lives up in such a way to achieve what we want. Husband works from home and I earn enough that only need to work 2 days a week.

We live by the sea with our 4 year old and spend time pottering and doing what we like. My husband works hard but he’s always around and has lots of flexibility to drop everything and spend days with us when we please. It’s particularly gorgeous at the moment in the sun. We have dinners together in the evening on the beach, or in our garden while our cat lounges around in the sun. Because I only work 2 days a week my son doesn’t need to be in nursery every day. Some days he goes in and I spend the day to myself doing as I please, some days he stays off and we do what we like together. It’s lovely.

The ability to life a slow and calm life is quite dependent on your circumstances but I think everyone is able to achieve a bit more slow in their lives in different ways. Living minimally helps. Too much stuff in your home creates too much work. Too many extra curricular/clubs/commitments creates tension.

It’s horrible don’t do it! If you and your partner have a lovely life now just enjoy it together and make it the best you can. I don’t enjoy any aspect of being a mother. My kids would never know that though as I refuse to let them suffer any trauma because of me. But it is horrible they’re are very few nice moments.

and yes all we do is rush around and get stressed and blame each other. Even though be both know it’s neither of our fault’s.

I have an intense/stressfull job. Having a child has made me realise how much masking I was doing to try to keep on top of it. I don’t have that “luxury” now as my time is totally dictated by my daughter’s needs/schedule. I can’t start early or late because I have to do the school run. I can’t log in in the evening because daughter thinks going to sleep is “boring”! I’m part time now but if anything it makes the job harder to manage because I’m just not there enough.

I do feel like I’m constantly rushing. I honestly don’t know how people do it with more than one child!

I constantly have a hundred tabs open in my brain trying to stay on top of work, home and parenting.

I love my daughter to the moon and back and I wouldn’t change her for the world, but my life is significantly harder now that I’m a parent.