Should the primary earner have to take time off for sick children?

[Sunshine231]

I am the “breadwinner” in our household and pay 75% of all our household bills / expenses plus any extras like meals out, family days out and holidays. I have a high pressure job as a senior associate for a consultancy firm. My partner works in a warehouse packing and labelling online orders and earns minimum wage.

We have 2 kids and whenever one of the kids is unwell I am the one who has to take time off work. I was talking to my mum and she said it was always the way when she had young kids, that the mum had to take leave to care for the kids and never the dad but I can’t help but feel this is because traditionally the man was the higher earner therefore their job took priority because that’s the job they relied on to pay most of the bills?

My partner however thinks that because I work from home and he has to go in person, it makes sense that I take the time off. My work has a strict no kids rule regarding working from home and I also have multiple client calls per day.

Today our youngest was sick and I had to tell my boss I needed to take last minute leave. I had to cancel 4 client calls and it went down like a lead balloon. This is the 3rd time I’ve had to do this so far this year alone. I have bad anxiety about losing my job as we rely on it to pay the bills. I’m just trying to get perspective on whether my partner is right about the wfh thing or should my job be more priority as I’m the higher earner and contributing most financially?

"it doesn't matter what you think my boss should do, the reality is, she won't, and I'll get the sack. I'm already on a PIP and the next time I have to take time off for the kids, or their voice is heard and I'm on a call, that's the end of the big salary that keeps us in every way. Is that that you want? Losing the house?"

But on the other hand he seems to believe he would be instantly sacked if he did the same thing because he works in person and they only bring in the exact amount of staff needed for the number of orders they have each day so if one person is off they are immediately short staffed

Maybe he would. It's important to recognise that it's not easy for him to be in trouble at work, either. And it can't be easy to know that your spouse sees your job as a nothing, and dispensable. So despite my suggested conversation above, I still think you need to empathise and understand how he could really feel pretty worthless. He needs to feel that he and his work are valued, but that the risk to the family main income is too great to risk.

We tend to share it, particularly as neither parent wants to use up their employers patience, who will take leave often depends on how much inconvenience it would be to the employer that day

But when you explain this to him, and say it’s on your contract, his argument is invalid?

Why on earth are YOU then calling in sick instead of him? Does he struggle with basic comprehension?

He doesn't value or respect your work and thinks this is your problem to deal with alone. He's also one of those idiots who thinks desk work is easy and not really working, especially if done at home. People who have never had to be constantly talking about complex matter on calls, keep up with a deluge of emails, manage competing demands and actually carve out time to do 'project' work just don't get it. You will probably get emails day and night and some senders will expect an immediate response. No-one is going to call him while he's sitting at home and demand that he gets a load of stuff down off the shelves at the far end of the warehouse and pack it up ready for shipping within the next hour are they?

Plus as well as the much bigger impact on the family finances if you lost your job, it would likely be harder to find another one.

Whereas he can probably get similar work more or less straight away by signing up to a few employment agencies.

Having read the wider points about the PIP, it does sound like you need a new job. Lack of flexibility is one thing, but you’re possibly on your way out of that role one way or another…. So better to jump than be pushed. There are many more flexible roles out there

Op we have a similar-ish set up in that im in a senior (non-partner) role in a law firm, and the breadwinner. DH is in teaching so earns a lot less but his job can’t be done remotely. I do tend to pick up more of the emergency childcare but that’s because my employer doesn’t prohibit this and I can wfh.

Obviously it is and was different when they were babies (see below), but now my kids are 5 and 8 and if they are ill they are ok to stay in bed or on the sofa watching tv with me checking on them between calls - it’s only equivalent to casual chats that happen in the office in terms of time away from my desk.

However, when they were preschool age it was different. We had a nanny so that we could ensure they’d be looked after when ill. Appreciate this might not be an option for you, but there are emergency nanny services that supply nannies for the day - intended to cover for normal nanny sick leave. My work actually offers this as an employer benefit through Bright Horizons but there are lots of agencies that you can contact directly. I wouldn’t have been happy leaving a sick child with a stranger so any time we had an emerhency nanny I would wfh and then be able to keep an eye on them, which I think would be allowed under your company policy? You could try to get the same person each time/use them for babysitting etc and build up a relationship with them. I think it’s worth exploring this as an alternative. As the kids get older they are sick a lot less as well!

Your partner is wilfully not understanding the situation (as I feel a lot of people on this thread are). You don’t have flexibility. Some senior roles may have but you don’t. Doesn’t matter anyone’s opinion on this. You have to tell him straight you can’t take any more time off. His disrespect for you and your contribution to the household would be relationship ending for me.

I've been brought up to believe childcare is the mum's job, and it's how it works in our relationship. I am the higher earner because I had the opportunity to go to university but that's just luck isn't it? I choose to go part time , I still out earn DH on a part time salary but at least not by too much. I do all the childcare and home stuff and all the sick child collection, school holidays etc. He's in a much more precarious job and would struggle to find a new one as he doesn't have qualifications. Unqualified min wage jobs tend to be much less flexible and more in demand.

I think this is a sensible suggestion.

Sometimes you have to speculate to accumulate.

Id think it should be shared equally unless one person has a life or death really inflexible job like a brain surgeon or something... But it definitely makes sense that as you can survive on your wage alone you need to make sure to keep your job.

I've been brought up to believe childcare is the mum's job

yes, OPs husband has clearly been brought up the same way. It makes no sense for the family to lose the job that actually keeps them afloat beause they prioritise the minimum wage earning husband.

If you're on a performance improvement plan at work and would lose the house if you lost your job I'd be absolutely insisting he took "emergency dependents leave" next time your child is sick. It doesn't need to be annual leave I don't think, though you or your work may prefer that.