Should the primary earner have to take time off for sick children?

[Sunshine231]

I am the “breadwinner” in our household and pay 75% of all our household bills / expenses plus any extras like meals out, family days out and holidays. I have a high pressure job as a senior associate for a consultancy firm. My partner works in a warehouse packing and labelling online orders and earns minimum wage.

We have 2 kids and whenever one of the kids is unwell I am the one who has to take time off work. I was talking to my mum and she said it was always the way when she had young kids, that the mum had to take leave to care for the kids and never the dad but I can’t help but feel this is because traditionally the man was the higher earner therefore their job took priority because that’s the job they relied on to pay most of the bills?

My partner however thinks that because I work from home and he has to go in person, it makes sense that I take the time off. My work has a strict no kids rule regarding working from home and I also have multiple client calls per day.

Today our youngest was sick and I had to tell my boss I needed to take last minute leave. I had to cancel 4 client calls and it went down like a lead balloon. This is the 3rd time I’ve had to do this so far this year alone. I have bad anxiety about losing my job as we rely on it to pay the bills. I’m just trying to get perspective on whether my partner is right about the wfh thing or should my job be more priority as I’m the higher earner and contributing most financially?

It should be shared and it sounds like it's your partner's turn the next 3 times!

Leave for children’s sickness should ideally be split. Take it in turns, provided the children are both of yours, then you’re both equally responsible.

aah, thi sis what I refer to as the "Tesco worker" demonstration of gendered roles.

Basically, my theory is that if you have a couple who both work for tesco but one in the store on a shift basis as a teller earning less, and the other one in head office earning the main family income. This is the argument depending on which one is which:

Man in HQ, woman as teller: She must take the time off because she is less well paid and her job is not a 'career' so even if things go badly, her job being lost has less impact on the family.

Woman in HQ and man as teller: She must take time off becuase she is in the office and work is more flexible whereas as a shift worker he is a) letting the whole team down if he is out and b) he has a higher chance of losing his job and that would be bad for him and for the family, even if she earns more.

Do your best to nip this one in the bud now. My DH was a SAHD so I think you can understand that he is NOT the kind of man who thinks that childcare is "women's work" and yet.... the above trap is one we 100% fell into when he started picking up more work. And I have resented it a great deal.

It may well be that as a couple you decide that yes, you CAN be a bit more flexible, but that doesn't mean entirely flexible. Nex ttime DC are sick - I believe you have that very important presentation to senior management? If you were to miss that, it would absolutely jeopardise how you are viewed in your organisation wouldn't it? Potentially bonus impacting?

It should be shared. Why is it
relevant that you can work from
home if you have to take the day off anyway?

I agree in principle with the equal split of having to take time off for sick kids but equally I can’t help but feel that if I lost my job we’d be royally screwed. We physically could not survive on my partners salary alone, we would likely lose the house. We could survive on my salary although it would be tight. But we wouldn’t lose our home. My partner got made redundant a few years ago and we managed on my salary alone for at least 6 months. I suppose that’s why I am questioning whether my job should not be slightly higher priority

First response nails it. He should be doing at least 50% of the sick days and probably more like 80% would be reasonable. If he ends up losing his job or needing to reduce hours to allow more flexibility your household income won't suffer as much.

He believes I should be able to work while at the same time look after a sick child. I’m aware that some wfh jobs allow this. It would be impossible in my job and it’s in my contract that kids cannot be in my care while I am working. Therefore if I was caught I’d be in breach of my contract. It would also be absolutely inappropriate to have a child here while I try to conduct client calls. Firstly because the child would have to be left unsupervised and secondly because if they cried or otherwise made a lot of noise I could lose my job. I think basically my partner doesn’t understand this because we have friends who do sometimes wfh with the kids there.

At the minute you’re doing 100% so I would get rid of that scenario before you start debating if 50/50 is fair.

I think, to be fair, there is a risk and impact factor that does need to be considered. So in our case, I was self employed (mostly) and there was no doubt that my job was more flexible. It still annoyed me and I had to work hard to change it but I nonetheless do still do the majority of it. So I don't think the salary is the ONLY factor, but it shoudl be one factor and the lens you apply should be one you feel is 100% impacted only by objective factors and not by this deep seated belief that men's jobs are more important, no matter what it is that they do.

ETA: also, in our case, I realised it wasn't just that I was doign when he was working, he was making NO effort. eg he'd finish work, go to the FREAKING GYM and I'd be at home managing a sick kid and a job. And when I realised what we'd slipped into, I was furious. To be fair to him, he was mortified too. And now if the DC are sick, he rushes straight home from work to take over while I get on with other things.

I'm sure he understands it, OP. He just doesn't want to do it, so he won't.

He left school without qualifications and struggles academically so it would be difficult for him to do anything else at the moment but I suppose he hopes to work his way up in his current job. I don’t know what that would entail, maybe to become warehouse manager eventually

He should be doing at least half, if not more.

How old are the DC- who does the school/nursery pick ups?

If you read the entire thread you’d know he was starting medication for adhd which affected his mood (temporarily) he is a lot less snappy on an evening now he is settled on the right dose of medication. I wouldn’t be with him if I believed he couldn’t be trusted alone with our children 🙄

Well tell him he can pay for childcare from his 'fun money' for the next 3 times. Then instigate an equal split.

Yes, in a senior role especially working from home, you have more flexibility. I was similar to you though I was in a senior academic role. My employer just wanted me working. They didn’t care if I had to do it with a sick kid in the background as long as the deadlines were met.

Dh works largely from home now, but he didn’t used to so had less flexibility (and while he’s a company director, it’s in a trade, so not really safe to have a vomiting child toddling around behind forklifts). It’s flipped for us and dh happens to be the higher earner by 3-4x my salary.

We have always shared sick days and school holidays. I carried a bit more of them in the early days when a day off for dh meant no money. Now we have employees and dh only needs to be on site 1 day a week. He’s still working the other days but admin and shipping orders. I also have a chronic illness and can’t physically do days out with dc like I used to. I’d say, as the higher earner, Dh now probably does 75% of days off.

how understanding would his boss be with him taking time off? Usually seniority comes with flexibility so I can understand why he thinks you should take the time off. However, in your case it seems you can’t and you should tell him what you have said here - if you lose your job, you as a family would be screwed. You should both cover sickness but perhaps not equally

If you both work full time it should be shared, he should do at least half

You’re both equal parents. Salary level is irrelevant. You should take it in turn to be off when your DC are ill.

6 weeks is quite a long time in terms of titration for adhd medication. It’s not related to my question anyway. I’m not asking whether he specifically should be allowed to be alone with the kids because he has a temper. I’m asking about the principle of the person (any person, not necessarily myself or my partner) working from home who is the primary earner, always having to take leave for the kids