Should the primary earner have to take time off for sick children?

[Sunshine231]

I am the “breadwinner” in our household and pay 75% of all our household bills / expenses plus any extras like meals out, family days out and holidays. I have a high pressure job as a senior associate for a consultancy firm. My partner works in a warehouse packing and labelling online orders and earns minimum wage.

We have 2 kids and whenever one of the kids is unwell I am the one who has to take time off work. I was talking to my mum and she said it was always the way when she had young kids, that the mum had to take leave to care for the kids and never the dad but I can’t help but feel this is because traditionally the man was the higher earner therefore their job took priority because that’s the job they relied on to pay most of the bills?

My partner however thinks that because I work from home and he has to go in person, it makes sense that I take the time off. My work has a strict no kids rule regarding working from home and I also have multiple client calls per day.

Today our youngest was sick and I had to tell my boss I needed to take last minute leave. I had to cancel 4 client calls and it went down like a lead balloon. This is the 3rd time I’ve had to do this so far this year alone. I have bad anxiety about losing my job as we rely on it to pay the bills. I’m just trying to get perspective on whether my partner is right about the wfh thing or should my job be more priority as I’m the higher earner and contributing most financially?

https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Everyone needs to weigh up the consequences and then decide for their scenario. It may differ day to day. Some bosses are stuck in the 1950s though and expect women to take the time off (except when the woman is their employee). My then DH was once told that he should be getting his wife to look after the kids not messing his workplace around with unplanned childcare issues. He was threatened with a disciplinary. I was speaking at a conference that day that DS was ill and just couldn't miss it for a routine bug when there were other options. I'm a single mum now so no choice but my career development has died because of it.

To take leave for a sick child we would both have to take annual leave. I don’t get paid if I take time off for a child being unwell. So I have to use annual leave. My partner is in the same position. I can’t just “make up” 8 hours of work, mainly because I can’t hold client calls at 1 or 2am. But also after a full day looking after a sick child and doing 30 loads of laundry because there is vomit on everything, I don’t really feel like clocking in for an 8 hour shift.

How old are your children, @Sunshine231 Personally, I think there's a big difference between a 10-year-old with a cold resting upstairs while you work, for example, and a toddler. An older child doesn't need constant supervision so you can feasibly work.

Regardless, your partner does need to cover some sick days, because you really can't take so many that your job is in jeopardy - your family needs your income.

Perhaps sit down with him over the weekend and talk it through. Don't get irritated, just explain what happened this week (that taking a day off last-minute didn't go down well) and that you need to share it going forward.

@Sunshine231re law firm. Once you reach partner level there is a lot of flexibility

You should share it 50/50 because:
a) your job is 'more important' to the overall family finances
b) but he is more easily sacked and replaced by his employer
c) and by sharing 50/50 the amount each of you has to take is halved.

I don’t think it’s about how much you earn, it’s about the fact that you have a career and he doesn’t. What this actually means is that you are far more likely to have flexibility, paid leave, and better policies than your partner who is likely to have few perks. Therefore I expect it would be a lot easier for you to take time off.

if I lost my job we’d be royally screwed. We physically could not survive on my partners salary alone, we would likely lose the house

it’s in my contract that kids cannot be in my care while I am working. Therefore if I was caught I’d be in breach of my contract.

Does he fully understand the points above? This needs spelling out repeatedly until it sinks in. Your job is not flexible just because you are WFH. And your home is at risk if you lose it.

He needs to do the lion's share of it.

I got offered tickets to see Federer at centre court with a champagne reception when my youngest in Primary school was feeling a little poorly. My partner wouldn’t take time off from working in a shoe shop so I couldn’t go. Still pissed about it after all these years 😂

What kind of childcare worker wants to look after a child with a vomiting bug though? In a pinch family might help if the child had a cold or something but I can’t really expect our parents who are in their late 60s to look after a child with a stomach bug

You can't make up missed client meetings by working evenings.

He can get another NMW job and, if he can't immediately, the family can absorb the loss of his income more easily than the loss of hers.

I think basically my partner doesn’t understand this because we have friends who do sometimes wfh with the kids there.

Is he thick? Why doesn't he believe that you can't work with children around?

It’s not a lot easier though. It’s really unprofessional to have to cancel multiple stakeholder meetings at the last minute. And the company policy is that annual leave has to be booked 1 month in advance. Not on the day. I don’t know anything about this dependant leave thing but I assume it’s unpaid. In which case we would lose far less financially if my partner took the day off unpaid compared to if I took the day off unpaid

OP, the answer is obvious. You need to share the load. Why aren't you addressing this with your partner?

Well when I say a senior role I’m not talking anywhere near partner level. It’s a management role. I am several levels below what would be the equivalent to partner in a law firm

Yes, it is unpaid. But it is something you are BOTH entitled to do.

My husband too has had many comments of "well youve got a wife for that" in relation to picking up the entire responsibility of the children. I've always worked in some capacity self employed part time,two jobs the entire time we have had children. The school will always phone me first if they can't get me they phone my husband but still ask him "can mum come collect, drop off xyz"

It is infuriating that still in 2026 so many think children are all the women's responsibility still.

Good point @selffellatingouroborosofhate.

Your job is crucial to the family's finances @Sunshine231, his is topping up the pot. As you said above, point out that you literally could lose the house if you lose your job.

Childcare professionals will not care for a sick child because of the risk of the other children in their care being infected and the risk of the illness escalating into an A&E visit or fatality.

We have a toddler and a 6 year old. I wouldn’t really feel comfortable leaving either of them unsupervised while they are unwell. I also wouldn’t be able to focus properly on my job knowing my unwell child was alone in another room. If I make mistakes because I wasn’t 100% focussed I could cost the company thousands. I’m working on projects that cost hundreds of thousands to the client. I would almost certainly lose my job if I started getting things wrong because I was trying to juggle a poorly child while working.

Ideally it should be even. Even if someone has the more flexible job it’s not ok to take the piss and take advantage when the child has two parents,

Realistically it’s somehow always the woman’s job that suffers. sexist bollocks. Make him share op he just doesn’t want the awkward convo with his manager. Tough shit.

I think basically my partner doesn’t understand this because we have friends who do sometimes wfh with the kids there.
@Sunshine231

He understands, he just doesn't want to do it.
Stop giving him excuses!

Have you told him you could lose your job and his wages wouldn't be enough to support the family? What does he say to this?

I am in a very similar position money and work wise and I also take the brunt of child care during illnesses as like you I can work from home , but we are actually allowed so it makes a difference . Husband also take the occasional day off due to the kids . I’m out case it’s easier for me to do it but if I was loosing a day off money wise or I had to cancel meetings then I would expect him to do it .

I actually agree with you OP, though these threads on MN always go one way (it being a MN absolute principle that children’s sickness should be equally covered between parents).

I think it depends. My DH was a teacher so always more difficult for him to be off although I never had the luxury of working from home, I was the one who took time off. That said as he was on holiday for about 4 months of the year and our DC weren't sickly, I can't remember it ever being an issue.

I can see why your DH thinks it's easier for you, but he needs to step up and parent 50% of the sick days.