Should the primary earner have to take time off for sick children?

[Sunshine231]

I am the “breadwinner” in our household and pay 75% of all our household bills / expenses plus any extras like meals out, family days out and holidays. I have a high pressure job as a senior associate for a consultancy firm. My partner works in a warehouse packing and labelling online orders and earns minimum wage.

We have 2 kids and whenever one of the kids is unwell I am the one who has to take time off work. I was talking to my mum and she said it was always the way when she had young kids, that the mum had to take leave to care for the kids and never the dad but I can’t help but feel this is because traditionally the man was the higher earner therefore their job took priority because that’s the job they relied on to pay most of the bills?

My partner however thinks that because I work from home and he has to go in person, it makes sense that I take the time off. My work has a strict no kids rule regarding working from home and I also have multiple client calls per day.

Today our youngest was sick and I had to tell my boss I needed to take last minute leave. I had to cancel 4 client calls and it went down like a lead balloon. This is the 3rd time I’ve had to do this so far this year alone. I have bad anxiety about losing my job as we rely on it to pay the bills. I’m just trying to get perspective on whether my partner is right about the wfh thing or should my job be more priority as I’m the higher earner and contributing most financially?

Shared to reduce the impact on both jobs.

I was part time when my kids were little but dh who was a much higher earner still took days off because he understood that my teaching career was still important and it wasn't always great for me to take the time off.

We split it. I can’t wfh so I have to take a day off. DH does wfh as our kids are older so will survive if left in front of the tv while he works.

It may depend on two things. Whether the child is wanting ‘mum’. And how the respective employers are when it comes to leave for child related issues. One may be far more accommodating than the other.

What if neither employer is accommodating though?

Shared. If your partner doesn’t get family leave he should take holiday.

Totally agree with you op
He should be taking time of
You are keeping the family afloat

It should be shared. All parents need time off work sometimes for their children, we all do it.

You should both be splitting it.

why are you worried about losing your job? Surely you’re entitled to parental leave like everyone?

sounds like you need someone on call for childcare even if you wfh.
ideally if a child is sick while your working you could call this theoretical child care worker to pick up and stay with your child while you both continue working.

do you have family that could fill this void?

It's should be fair 50 50 but as we know life doesn't roll that way. As the lower earner(set shifts no flexibility easily replaceable) whilst I was trying to establish myself in a job my dh did all the sick days and school pick ups I couldn't do. Untill his boss had to take time off for surgery so he was needed on site, couldn't be so flexible. As the higher earner we had to prioritise his job. Unfortunately my child has ebsa/audhd so me working too really just didn't work. The company were not flexible at all. So I had to give up my job. Obviously you don't want that so it just means both of you taking it in turns and keeping on the right side of keeping both your jobs. Ultimately if yours pays the bills then it gets prioritised but your dh working is still important.

Agree with it being split evenly between you. You are both parents you should both cover it. Earnings and seniority have no impact on this in my mind.

Sit him down and explain you are close to losing your job due to the amount of last minute time you have had to take off this year, that your boss was visibly annoyed and the situation is not good. That it cannot happen again without serious consequences.

The job market is shocking right now, employers know it, and they know they have all the power. Ask him does he want to step up and do his fair share or take the risk you lose your job and he becomes the sole breadwinner. Explain to him with whats happening in AI the job market in consulting is very bad and likely you would be unemployed for a long time, and may have to retrain. Ask him what scenario he prefers. Be very serious. It is serious.

In my experience, minimum wage jobs are a lot less flexible and less understanding of caring responsibilities. I'm guessing in a role like yours, you will still get the same salary if you pick the kids up as you can make up the hours? If he is on a zero hour contract, or picked up extra shifts on top of his contracted hours, taking time off for sick children will put him at the bottom of the list for hours.
It's really not as simple as the highest earner has priority. You need to both understand how it impacts each of you to take time off and come to a joint decision. If it is really stressful taking time off for the children, maybe consider him being a SAHP and you paying his living expenses and into a pension for him.

As an employer if I felt that you were taking an unreasonable amount of emergency dependents leave then it would trigger a disciplinary. Reasonable isn’t a set amount of time but is dependent on the circumstances. A single parent with no family support would be treated more sympathetically than a two parent household as we would expect both parents to take turns.

make sure that this time off is logged as emergency dependents leave as this can’t be held against you if the time off is reasonable & is only to deal with the initial emergency so a day or two rather than a whole week off.

Does he contribute anything positive to the relationship?

In my house it is DH, even though he earns significantly more. I teach, so it is difficult to have a day off. It is much easier for DH to arrange to work from home, or catch up in evenings or weekends. I think it should be the parent with the most flexibility regardless of pay.

More senior jobs usually come with more flexibility so it depends on both your workplaces attitudes. If he was going to get sacked for being off too much then I can see why you do more.

This is a brilliant post and expresses it so well!!

My DH and I share taking time off when the kids are ill, based on who has what in their diary for the day (not who earns more). If one of us had 4 calls with external stakeholders like clients, that would be the person who absolutely would NOT be taking time off that day!

We split it.

Decision is made made based on work diaries.

I'm the higher earner but he is an equal parent.

It should be shared and the fact he refuses is even worse BECAUSE he is the lower earner. My exh earns next to nothing yet has taken maybe 2 sick days off with our kids. Since we split he hasn’t done any. Kids are now 11 and 8. I hope you have a good relationship in general otherwise the resentment will kill your relationship.

What is parental leave? I have to take it as annual leave. The company has a policy that annual leave requests have to be put in 1 month in advance. So asking for leave on the day is technically against company policy. Plus the fact I have to cancel important meetings every time. It reflects badly on me and my performance in the role. Other people on the team do not do this. I’m the only one.

This is the only sensible way of doing it

I don’t know if it’s because it’s a consultancy firm but there is no additional flexibility from being in a more senior role. Each consultant is their own “manager” if that makes sense. So being a manager does not necessarily mean people management, it means managing projects, budgeting, client management etc. I believe this is similar to how it would be in a law firm.

Parental leave is different. It’s planned & your employer can defer it to another time.

What you are taking is Emergency Dependents leave. It is a legal right & is for someone to deal with an emergency involving a dependent (not only children could be a parent or spouse).

Man’s Big Job takes priority over woman’s job. Man’s Little Job takes priority over woman’s job. Man’s Hobby takes priority. Man’s holidays, football on tv, pub crawl, …

This is the natural order of the world, should you choose to accept it.