Should the primary earner have to take time off for sick children?

[Sunshine231]

I am the “breadwinner” in our household and pay 75% of all our household bills / expenses plus any extras like meals out, family days out and holidays. I have a high pressure job as a senior associate for a consultancy firm. My partner works in a warehouse packing and labelling online orders and earns minimum wage.

We have 2 kids and whenever one of the kids is unwell I am the one who has to take time off work. I was talking to my mum and she said it was always the way when she had young kids, that the mum had to take leave to care for the kids and never the dad but I can’t help but feel this is because traditionally the man was the higher earner therefore their job took priority because that’s the job they relied on to pay most of the bills?

My partner however thinks that because I work from home and he has to go in person, it makes sense that I take the time off. My work has a strict no kids rule regarding working from home and I also have multiple client calls per day.

Today our youngest was sick and I had to tell my boss I needed to take last minute leave. I had to cancel 4 client calls and it went down like a lead balloon. This is the 3rd time I’ve had to do this so far this year alone. I have bad anxiety about losing my job as we rely on it to pay the bills. I’m just trying to get perspective on whether my partner is right about the wfh thing or should my job be more priority as I’m the higher earner and contributing most financially?

@Sunshine231 Yes, it's not the same as having older children who are more independent.

It needs to be shared- you can't keep letting down your employer but he shouldn't be expected to cover every sickness either.

I am a far lower earner than my husband and have way less flexibility than he does. If I don't turn up for work, patients surgery could get cancelled (if staffing levels were already at a minimum).

We have to share it although he works away a lot so if he's abroad then I obviously have to call in and take unpaid leave.

Everyone can take up to 5 days per year unpaid parental leave. Our rule is that we take it in turns. Now the kids are older (10 and 6) husband usually manages them at home but thankfully they are rarely ill. We usually have a quick chat about who has what on and manage it from there. I'm a teacher so absence causes all manner of issues with getting cover. He works in IT at a uni and is very busy at certain times of the year so we play it by ear.
My work definitely expect us to take turns and it not all be on the mums though (female dominated workforce).

It's your husband's turn now. It ain't only your duty to take care of the child.

My husband earns more but is more flexible (he would let work know he had the baby but could still do a few bits on his phone to tick over his job) I’m a teacher and it’s very stressful being off. He takes more days off, but I’m part time so would always be able to do half the week.

We sometimes share a day. He will do the morning and I’ll go in, then I’ll go home at lunch and swap over. It works for us and might work for you. He goes in and ‘shows willing’, you’re more flexible so can push things to later in the day.

You should both take equal amount of parental leave when DC are sick.

Should be shared, or the person with the more flexible job/more understanding boss/paid leave for looking after sick children. I remember at my last job I told my manager I needed to leave early because DS had come down ill at school and he asked me was there any reason his dad wasn't looking after him instead, that I should not accept it always falling on me (it actually nearly always falls on OH as he can take days off pretty much whenever so much easier for him to stay home) but should make sure we both share the burden.

Turns out I get paid time off for dependents' leave, up to 4 days a year, so I ought to stay home 4 days anyway.

Ideally it should be him taking the time off as you have a much higher paying job. However, it would depend on how secure his job is and whether he'll lose it if he takes too much time. If it's not so secure, then it's fair to be 50/50.

DH and I used to share it 50/50 but we earned similar.

Surely it depends on the days plans?

dh and I earn similar. We shared- brief discussion on who had the more easily cancelable day. If he had loads of client meetings that would be a pita to rearrange, I took the day off. If I had a shift with no cover available he took the day.

so if you have 4 client meetings and he’s in a job where a day off just means the shelves might not get stacked as quickly, then he should be taking the day.

For those saying you have a right to paid parental leave for sick children. It's not so simple. Both DH and I can take time off for sick children without actually taking leave. I believe some have already mentioned how understanding the boss is. This is key. For example, if the husband has a very undertanding boss and can WFH with a sick child and do not need to use any unpaid leave and the wife is a teacher, then it should be the husband taking the time.

It really gets much easier because I remember from Year 2 or 3, a sick child stops bothering me while WFH home. It became a complete non issue for ones with a WFH job.

I work Tt and husbands work is a lot more understanding at having time off with kids. But he is the higher earner. However we do share. If he’s got a slow day he will offer rather than me.

One thing I will say though is dh, in the beginning, had quite a tough time with the “time off for sick kids” at work.

lots of “can’t your wife do it” and similar. Because our society is still set up for the man to have the job, and the woman looks after the kids, maybe earns pin money.

he had to push back every single time. No. My wife cannot have the day off/leave early, she’s in the hospital on shift. I have a day with nothing urgent, I need the day off.

i do think it’s often easier for women to have days off/rearrange schedules for kids as employers see that as something women do. They’re more resistant to men working flexibly because they should have a little woman in the background supporting them.

basically my partner doesn’t understand this

how? 'DH, I CANNOT work from home when I'm taking care of our sick children. I MUST cancel all my meetings and take a day off. I may lose my job as my boss is getting very annoyed and we cannot manage without my salary'

Your 6yo could understand this, why can't DH`?

Depends on the impact. DH earns 3 times as much as I do but if he has a day wfh or just internal phone calls he can cover the kids. I am a teacher so it's a big knock on affect on other people if I'm off. We are lucky with grandparents usually though.

You each do 50% of the days. His job is lower paid, but it doesn't mean his a less important cog in his machine than you are in yours. It doesn't mean his employer should or will expect less commitment to the role than yours. He has a much need to be seen to be pulling his weight and respected in his role as you do in yours.

Maybe when the kids are much older, if they are full of cold or a bit hot and headachy, they will be able to amuse themselves quietly in a little nest on the sofa while you work from home and you can do more sick days, but for now it needs to be even.

He certainly should be picking up the bulk of the days the children are ill. You shouldn’t get a free pass and should take some of the burden but he should take the majority. If you can’t afford to live on his income you should not be risking your job. If he looses his minimum wage job there are hundreds of others he could do. If you loose your (I assume) well paid job that you have trained to do there are a limited number of other jobs that you could do and that pay the same. Common sense says the ‘risk’ should be in his (much easier to replace) job

I assume you have explained these reasons to your husband so why does he still "believe you should be able to work while at the same time look after a sick child"?

Does he think you're lying or does he just not listen to you?

Your DH needs to pull his weight! My DH has ADHD and is the higher earner in a high pressure job, he still does at least a third of the sick days.

I agree it should be shared. There's also a point around likelihood of losing job (as I imagine although he's minimum wage you need that income too) if you have better terms/ flexibility (ie better parental leave/ options to use holiday for children's sickness) then you should do your part too. I can't imagine a warehouse worker has the same benefits your work provides, and I do WFH and understand kids can't be there which is why you take it off - holiday/ parental leave/ own sick leave depending on what works for you x

Dh is the higher earner in our family. We would alternate. I would take the first day, he would take the second day, and so on.

Actually having now read the full thread and seen the startling number of people who also didn't take your (clear and conclusive) explanation on board, I guess I can kind of see how that might have happened.

It's not a great sign that your husband takes your word about as seriously as a bunch of dim strangers on the internet.

Your employer is unreasonable to have a strict no kids rule if you WFH.

You are continually doing this. If I were your employer, I'd be putting you on a PIP

OP, in case it isn't clear, no, you should NOT be covering all the kids' sick days. Yes it was the way when your mum was working, but it was wrong then and it's wrong now.
You need to sit down with your DH and ask him why he is gambling with your job?
You can't afford to lose it. So, he takes the next one. And the one after that. No arguments.
And then, when things feel more secure at work, you can start having the conversations about whether you can cover it, or if it would cause too much disruption at work. You never want to be in the position of cancelling four clients again. Your DH needs to have that fact well and truly drummed in.
Have you ever got to the bottom of WHY he thinks as he does? Is he just reluctant to do the "wife work"? Because he needs to know how ridiculous that is.
I'm outraged for you. And so frustrated that you aren't even sure if you are in the right. You are!

We try do 50:50 split but in reality it’s me as mum who takes the ‘hit’ for sick days with DD so it’s really 80:20 usually when I have something work related that cannot be shifted.