My ds doesn’t seem to understand consequences

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Maybe this is normal, I don’t know.

DS(5) attacked someone at school quite badly. We were meant to be going for ice cream as a treat; obviously not going now. Ds doesn’t seem to understand that he did something wrong so isn’t getting a treat. Doesn’t seem bothered about what he do just just the ice cream. Is this normal? Quite upset about it.

That’s it? No ice-cream is your idea of consequences for physically attacking another child?
His day by day life must endure hardship, so something more lasting than a treat. Think no screens until he shows some empathy, none of the usual snacks he gets, just apples and pears, things like this.

I think you need to demonstrate in speech and facial expressions how sad and upset you are for the child he attacked.

How does he think that made them feel? How does he think their mummy and daddy felt when they heard that Archie had hurt them and made them cry? What does he think the teacher might consider what kind of boy he is? A nice lovely boy? Or one that attacks other children?

Missing an ice cream is not enough. You need to deliberately teach and model empathy to him.

He attacked someone at school badly - and you said no ice cream

wtf

think you need a very serious sit down chat with him

Do you know why? What explanation has your DS given? Are there any concerns over his general development?

I was upset when I posted and probably explained badly. We had planed to take his new bike out to the park and buy an ice cream, obviously after having a meeting with the teacher after the incident I wasn’t going to do that. What concerned me was ds didn’t seem to be able to understand why going for a treat wouldn’t be appropriate, why I wasn’t going to be rewarding his behaviour . I would appreciate any advice; I don’t really understand the ‘wtf’ unless you think I should have taken him for ice cream.

Did you explain why no ice cream and get him to acknowledge it? How long was it after the event? What has school done to discipline him and resolve the situation with other pupil?

Why did he attack the other child?

Not going for ice cream is too remote a punishment. You're taking away something that he didn't have anyway, a five year old won't really understand this. You need to take away something that he already has.

I would suggest that he spend some time making a card and writing a note of apology as a first step.

I’ve got to the bottom of it a bit more now and I think it was a build up of things. Of course it was completely unacceptable and I’ve tried to make that clear to ds. No concerns as far as I know but he’s had a tendency to lash out in the past; I thought this had been resolved but today this happened which is a worry.

It feels disconnected as a punishment unless you give him context.

So I think the point with the ice cream is that I don’t think it would be appropriate at all following me picking ds up to have the meeting with the teacher to then go to the park and have a bike ride and ice cream as originally planned. If people think I made the wrong call that’s up to them I guess but I really feel that wouldn’t have sent the right message. Plus I was upset myself and wanted to just go home to be honest.

There is no direct correlation between attacking someone and ice cream, unless the person being attacked was holding an ice cream perhaps?

Anyhow the consequence needs to relate directly to the event.

Going to the park with a bike and getting an ice cream was part of your planned day, not a reward in the first place?

Obviously I handled it badly and should have taken him to the park, let him have a lovely time and bought him an ice cream then punished him when he got home. I do feel however that would have been confusing and sent some strange messages.

I’m unsure as to how to make any consequence correlate with the incident. For me, going and having a treat after that would have sent the wrong message and tbh I wasn’t in the mood myself. I would be interested to know what I should have done, exactly.

This 100% and also be very clear that Mummy and Daddy are not proud of him when he behaves that way and do not want him to hit people. If you hear again from the teacher that he hit someone you’ll be very cross indeed and there will be no sweets or treats for a long time.

It was not the wrong call to miss the treat , but he needs to know it is a direct link to fighting. If he did not remember or was not bothered about his bike ride and ice cream today, it was not really much of a punishment and he probably just thinks it might happen another day.

Punishment. Which era is this?

I would engage with the school. They'll have handled it according to their behaviours policy and issued a consequence at the time. Part of that consequence was telling you, calling you in to discuss it.

You want to set another, further consequence?

People are not suggesting you should have taken him for an ice cream, but that if you wanted to punish him in a way he could understand it needed to be something else.

You can't possibly think this is what was being suggested?!

It looks like that to me, given everyone is telling me that what I did was wrong. Perhaps you’d like to tell me what I should have done

I want to ensure that I’m not minimising poor behaviour and that I am not seen to be rewarding it with a treat, which I feel is reasonable. What was worrying to me was that ds didn’t seem to understand that it wasn’t just a normal day and that life should go on as always. I’ve spoken to ds about it; I have drawn a line now and perhaps it might be better if the thread did as well, as some replies aren’t very supportive and it’s been upsetting enough, tbh.

They're telling you that the punishment was too remote for him to understand/not severe enough. Not that you should have taken him for ice cream. But I believe that you know that full well.

Have you asked you son to make a card/write a letter of apology for this child?

You were right not to take him for the bike ride and ice cream. What did you do when you got home? Have you talked to him about what he did and why it was bad and how the other child felt and that he must not do it again? Maybe he could write a note "I'm sorry" to the other child and then go to bed early with no screen time?

Your reaction, expression, tone of voice to him and while talking to teacher and your disappointment would be a natural consequence. Did he understand how it made you feel? The other child feel? How did it make him feel, to know he'd made you feel the way you did/do? That's where the understanding of consequences lies.

Have a look up of 'social stories' to help him understand thr situation if you really think he doesn't get it. More effective closer to the moment that after lapsed time.

That is a nice idea but it is something he would enjoy so is not a ‘consequence.’ I am happy to let the school deal with it and to reinforce the message he had at school at home but equally I wasn’t going to take him for a treat.

So it would seem that despite the rather unpleasant replies I didn’t do anything differently to what others would. Sigh.

No one is being unpleasant.