My husband and I have been in talks to blend our families this August, and I’m feeling increasingly anxious about whether it’s the right decision.
I have a 7-year-old daughter. My husband has two children from a previous relationship—a 15-year-old son (16 soon) and a 13-year-old daughter whom he has shared custody with his ex. We all get long and have known each other a long while. His daughter is doing well: she’s academic, enjoys school, and has hobbies and friends. My concerns are mainly about his son.
His son:
• Stays in his room all the time and sleeps until past midday on weekends
• Regularly misses school due to “anxiety” or claims of bullying, but there doesn’t seem to be any clear follow-up or evidence
• Doesn’t complete homework and is currently failing his GCSEs
• Has no real structure, routine, or responsibilities
- not encouraged to do anything like exercise and my husband doesn’t actively do anything with him.
What I struggle with most is the parenting approach. Both parents (especially his mum) seem to:
• Allow him to skip school without consequences
• Give him money whenever he asks
• Buy him expensive items and “treat” him even after poor behaviour
• Avoid setting or enforcing boundaries
•cries to his mum whenever he doesn’t get his way and she caves in
A recent example: he was allowed out late at night whilst with his mum on an e-scooter, ended up being robbed and hurt, and the next day was bought new clothes after asking.
There also seem to be ongoing concerns around the people he mixes with and the risks he puts himself in. This worries me from a safety perspective, especially with a younger child involved.
Looking ahead, I’m very concerned about what happens when he turns 16 and then 18. There doesn’t seem to be any clear expectation around education, work, or contribution as he is being enabled to do nothing. My husband has said that at 18 he would be free to come and go as he pleases, which raises concerns for me about boundaries in the home—especially with younger children present, and given the lack of boundaries now, I do wonder if anything will change.
At the same time:
• I currently have a stable home and my daughter and I are happy here
• Moving in would mean giving that up and moving into a home where I don’t have the same security (legal security will be there obviously re mortgage etc)
• My husband and I would like to try for a baby, and I feel pressure due to time
I feel torn between wanting to move forward with my relationship and future plans, and protecting the stability, environment, and safety of my daughter.
Just do to add! The things I have listed above have all come from my husbands mouth, rarely has he ever shared anything “positive “ about his son so I deduced that there is nothing positive for him to share which further adds to the anxiety.
My main concerns are:
• Lack of structure and boundaries
• Safety and the type of situations his son is getting into
• The long-term impact on my daughter
• The risk of giving up my secure home for an uncertain situation
Am I being unreasonable to hesitate moving in until there are clearer boundaries and expectations in place? I am leaning towards being in a living apart together situation . How have others handled similar blended family situations, especially with very different parenting styles?
I’m happy to support wherever I can but if his parents are enabling him, there really is no room for me to have an opinion and honestly, I’d prefer to stay out of being active in helping raise him as he has two functional parents.
To add, I am not financial reliant on my husband and have a fully functional , happy life. I just don’t want to get a divorce and leave my loving husband but at the same time, I need to be responsible for my daughters upbringing since she doesn’t have her dad in the picture fully ( I’m a previous domestic abuse survivor and escaped whilst my daughter was a baby) so I’m more alert to ensuring she isn’t surrounded by danger or bad influences.