Blended family concerns – am I being unreasonable ?

[ThisBlueOrca]

My husband and I have been in talks to blend our families this August, and I’m feeling increasingly anxious about whether it’s the right decision.

I have a 7-year-old daughter. My husband has two children from a previous relationship—a 15-year-old son (16 soon) and a 13-year-old daughter whom he has shared custody with his ex. We all get long and have known each other a long while. His daughter is doing well: she’s academic, enjoys school, and has hobbies and friends. My concerns are mainly about his son.

His son:
• Stays in his room all the time and sleeps until past midday on weekends
• Regularly misses school due to “anxiety” or claims of bullying, but there doesn’t seem to be any clear follow-up or evidence
• Doesn’t complete homework and is currently failing his GCSEs
• Has no real structure, routine, or responsibilities

• not encouraged to do anything like exercise and my husband doesn’t actively do anything with him.

What I struggle with most is the parenting approach. Both parents (especially his mum) seem to:
• Allow him to skip school without consequences
• Give him money whenever he asks
• Buy him expensive items and “treat” him even after poor behaviour
• Avoid setting or enforcing boundaries
•cries to his mum whenever he doesn’t get his way and she caves in

A recent example: he was allowed out late at night whilst with his mum on an e-scooter, ended up being robbed and hurt, and the next day was bought new clothes after asking.

There also seem to be ongoing concerns around the people he mixes with and the risks he puts himself in. This worries me from a safety perspective, especially with a younger child involved.

Looking ahead, I’m very concerned about what happens when he turns 16 and then 18. There doesn’t seem to be any clear expectation around education, work, or contribution as he is being enabled to do nothing. My husband has said that at 18 he would be free to come and go as he pleases, which raises concerns for me about boundaries in the home—especially with younger children present, and given the lack of boundaries now, I do wonder if anything will change.

At the same time:
• I currently have a stable home and my daughter and I are happy here
• Moving in would mean giving that up and moving into a home where I don’t have the same security (legal security will be there obviously re mortgage etc)
• My husband and I would like to try for a baby, and I feel pressure due to time

I feel torn between wanting to move forward with my relationship and future plans, and protecting the stability, environment, and safety of my daughter.
Just do to add! The things I have listed above have all come from my husbands mouth, rarely has he ever shared anything “positive “ about his son so I deduced that there is nothing positive for him to share which further adds to the anxiety.
My main concerns are:
• Lack of structure and boundaries
• Safety and the type of situations his son is getting into
• The long-term impact on my daughter
• The risk of giving up my secure home for an uncertain situation

Am I being unreasonable to hesitate moving in until there are clearer boundaries and expectations in place? I am leaning towards being in a living apart together situation . How have others handled similar blended family situations, especially with very different parenting styles?
I’m happy to support wherever I can but if his parents are enabling him, there really is no room for me to have an opinion and honestly, I’d prefer to stay out of being active in helping raise him as he has two functional parents.

To add, I am not financial reliant on my husband and have a fully functional , happy life. I just don’t want to get a divorce and leave my loving husband but at the same time, I need to be responsible for my daughters upbringing since she doesn’t have her dad in the picture fully ( I’m a previous domestic abuse survivor and escaped whilst my daughter was a baby) so I’m more alert to ensuring she isn’t surrounded by danger or bad influences.

If you haven’t already, please write a will leaving everything to your daughter. Marriage nullifies any previous will in favour of the spouse. On your shoes I would not be in a hurry to move in or complicate matters even further with a baby. Your top priority must be your and your daughter’s stability.

If you guys are happy/if it currently works then do not move in. I know someone in a similar situation, her 2 kids go to school and are fairly well behaved, balanced etc. Their sb is in his room till 12 every day, rarely attends school, steals from them, leaves in the middle of the night. She's fairly powerless because the big "how do we deal with this" is a parental decision. Her kids are seeing this "example" day in, day out. They ask why they have to go to school. Meanwhile there have been drug dealers knocking at their door demanding their money.
If what you currently have is ok, just hang on. There is no "one size fits all" and whilst it's normal to all live together, that doesn't mean it's right for you and your family right now. It sounds like your dhs son also needs support and stability as he's clearly struggling- I'd suggest if your dh thought exclusively about what was best for his son, he would also think that bringing a step mother and 2 younger kids into his home might not be the best idea.
Every family I know where families have blended have had massive challenges, meanwhile the mums who divorced but are providing a steady, unchanging home with no new adults to negotiate and no additional step siblings coming and going seem to actually have very happy and balanced children. I'm sure there are some fabulous blended families, I'm not sure there are any where 1 person clearly has such obvious concerns about their soon-to-be step child before they even move in. Let everyone just have some stability and consistency for a while. You can live together another time, maybe when the kids are older or have left home etc (or maybe this set up works forever - do what makes you happy!!)

Absolutely don't even go there. Stay living separate in your own homes. His lack of parenting is going to be the death of any live in relationship.
Loads of people live separately to their partners, don't move in til kids all left home (both homes).

Mum of teenage boys and girls here. Some of the things that’s been mentioned about step sons behaviour can be explained by his age…..they can be very antisocial little creatures who rarely see daylight and even rarely leave their bedrooms without an incentive or a threat of losing their PlayStation/xbox 🙈🤣. Personally, I would be setting very clear boundaries of house rules and expectations for hubby as in what is acceptable behaviour for all the children including the son. Agreed consequences etc only then you will be able to make a decision depending on his reaction and commitment. Sadly if the child hasn’t had many boundaries you won’t be able to go in all guns blazing but you could start small and build on it. Seems it’s not a blending the families together so to speak that’s the problem it’s a husband problem not setting boundaries and parenting. Step son is a child who is being allowed to do what he wants when he wants with few consequences why would he rebel against the freedom he has to be well behaved and choose to have an earlier more reasonable curfew, leave his bedroom at a reasonable hour, go to school etc he is having the time of his life doing what he wants when he wants. Teenagers can be lazy especially boys most go through some of the things you have mentioned and most come out of it the other end lovely human beings, my eldest did he is 19 tomorrow and he was a proper t%*t at 13, 14 & 15 around 16 things sort of clicked. My younger son is 14 now and I could pack his bags most days due to his attitude, laziness and defiance if you can get your husband on board to improve their relationship and be able to move forward to blend families in time your step sons will come back to you all xx

Is your step son autistic? Anxiety around school, sleeping in, confined to his room, but also trusting the wrong people all seems to fit. Some autistic people struggle with 'reading' people and identify when others don't have good intentions. Look up autistic burn out.

Why isn't his Mum and your husband working with school to address this? If he can't attend, then school need to put measures in place to help him.
Speaking as part of a blended family...having doubts about his eldest after you're married is a bit late. What have you done as his step mum to forge a relationship with him? No wonder he is despondent....his Dad has a low opinion of him, doesn't engage with him and now his step mum doesn't want to live with him. Does your husband do things with the daughter who conforms and does well at school? If so, that's further going to erode this lad's confidence. He could be feeling negative about himself and your husband is unintentionally making him feel rubbish, and you are enabling your husband's bad parenting by not encouraging him to do better and trying to have a relationship with your step son.

Personally I think you're asking the wrong question - do you want to be with your husband and do you want a baby with him? If the answer is yes to the latter then I can't see how you can justify NOT living together - it's the fairest situation for both parents. I can't imagine your husband saying 'sure, let's have a baby but I'll just see them when we can sort the diaries out'.

If it's yes to the first, then I think marriage is about supporting one another so if you have views / see issues then talk openly about them and outline what you want to have in place if you move in. E.g. what will your role be with discipline for his kids? What boundaries should your husband enforce with his children? I know you're not the parent of them but I think when you're living as a blended family you need to agree these things and your husband needs to lead the conversations with the kids to say 'XXX is moving in and we're going to be a more blended family so to make sure everyone is happy and comfortable we're going to ..'

16 is old enough to have a conversation (I think...but I've never had a teenage boy!) so your husband could also surely just to talk to his son about the fact you have a young daughter and she's going to be living there and you want his help to model good behaviours etc. And also to ask their view so they can also set boundaries so when you all come together, it's a balanced new set of rules for the home together.

Please don’t have a baby it just wouldn’t be fair on the other kids. This is not a good blended family set up

id be running a mile instead of moving in with him, blending our existing families and thinking of having a baby with him! As you say, both parents are allowing this and both parents seem frankly quite detached …. Which begs the question why you married him and certainly why you’d want children with this man?!

So you are married to him but you don't live together?

Sweetie, you have a lovely life by the sounds of it. Why do you want to change it? Is it an expectation that you should 'move forwards' with the relationship? He's got two children, you've got one - there's no guarantee any additional baby you have is going to be a] physically able b] not learning disabled or neurodivergent c] easy to manage in general. (Bear in mind the suggestion that stepson may be on the autistic spectrum and that is genetic). You've done a really good job protecting your daughter from domestic abuse and rebuilding your life. There comes a point when you should just pat yourself on the back and enjoy life as it is. And I echo the advice given above: make out a new will protecting your daughter's interests.

Get yourself a new will written now.
Once you marry, he is your next of kin, he now will get to inherit everything in place of your child. You are leaving your child in a very precarious position.
Don't move in and disturb her happy life for the chance that it will be a more chaotic household. She should be your priority.

It seems very odd to me to marry but not live together. I don't think you should blend you families or have a baby together. This sounds like a recipe for disaster. I hope your housing situation is rock solid if you should ever divorce?

Don't move in together.

What made me so sad is the fact your husband has nothing nice to say about his own son who by the sounds of things has been failed by both of his parents.

Do not move in together. Do not have a baby.

why on earth you married is beyond me.

He's a bad parent to his son, don't have any children with him.

No I absolutely would not try to blend families in this situation. Put your DD first.

This sounds like a really tough situation. What I think I'd do in your circumstances is wait until his son has turned 18 before you actually buy a house and blend families.

In that time, save, make sure you can get a house that fits everyone's needs e.g. every child with their own room.

As it will be a new home, the rules and boundaries will be fresh. As son will be 18 you can establish from the start: as an adult in this house we are expected to contribute in the following ways e.g. help around the house, are either in training/education or work etc.

If he doesn't like the rules, he won't come. However, by that point he might have found his path and matured a bit anyway and you and husband can discuss your boundaries and what living together will look like...agreed in advance.

1. Don't move in.
2. Get a divorce.