Blended family concerns – am I being unreasonable ?

[ThisBlueOrca]

My husband and I have been in talks to blend our families this August, and I’m feeling increasingly anxious about whether it’s the right decision.

I have a 7-year-old daughter. My husband has two children from a previous relationship—a 15-year-old son (16 soon) and a 13-year-old daughter whom he has shared custody with his ex. We all get long and have known each other a long while. His daughter is doing well: she’s academic, enjoys school, and has hobbies and friends. My concerns are mainly about his son.

His son:
• Stays in his room all the time and sleeps until past midday on weekends
• Regularly misses school due to “anxiety” or claims of bullying, but there doesn’t seem to be any clear follow-up or evidence
• Doesn’t complete homework and is currently failing his GCSEs
• Has no real structure, routine, or responsibilities

• not encouraged to do anything like exercise and my husband doesn’t actively do anything with him.

What I struggle with most is the parenting approach. Both parents (especially his mum) seem to:
• Allow him to skip school without consequences
• Give him money whenever he asks
• Buy him expensive items and “treat” him even after poor behaviour
• Avoid setting or enforcing boundaries
•cries to his mum whenever he doesn’t get his way and she caves in

A recent example: he was allowed out late at night whilst with his mum on an e-scooter, ended up being robbed and hurt, and the next day was bought new clothes after asking.

There also seem to be ongoing concerns around the people he mixes with and the risks he puts himself in. This worries me from a safety perspective, especially with a younger child involved.

Looking ahead, I’m very concerned about what happens when he turns 16 and then 18. There doesn’t seem to be any clear expectation around education, work, or contribution as he is being enabled to do nothing. My husband has said that at 18 he would be free to come and go as he pleases, which raises concerns for me about boundaries in the home—especially with younger children present, and given the lack of boundaries now, I do wonder if anything will change.

At the same time:
• I currently have a stable home and my daughter and I are happy here
• Moving in would mean giving that up and moving into a home where I don’t have the same security (legal security will be there obviously re mortgage etc)
• My husband and I would like to try for a baby, and I feel pressure due to time

I feel torn between wanting to move forward with my relationship and future plans, and protecting the stability, environment, and safety of my daughter.
Just do to add! The things I have listed above have all come from my husbands mouth, rarely has he ever shared anything “positive “ about his son so I deduced that there is nothing positive for him to share which further adds to the anxiety.
My main concerns are:
• Lack of structure and boundaries
• Safety and the type of situations his son is getting into
• The long-term impact on my daughter
• The risk of giving up my secure home for an uncertain situation

Am I being unreasonable to hesitate moving in until there are clearer boundaries and expectations in place? I am leaning towards being in a living apart together situation . How have others handled similar blended family situations, especially with very different parenting styles?
I’m happy to support wherever I can but if his parents are enabling him, there really is no room for me to have an opinion and honestly, I’d prefer to stay out of being active in helping raise him as he has two functional parents.

To add, I am not financial reliant on my husband and have a fully functional , happy life. I just don’t want to get a divorce and leave my loving husband but at the same time, I need to be responsible for my daughters upbringing since she doesn’t have her dad in the picture fully ( I’m a previous domestic abuse survivor and escaped whilst my daughter was a baby) so I’m more alert to ensuring she isn’t surrounded by danger or bad influences.

Bear in mind that my partner’s stepson moved out at the age of 32! His mum had left six years before, also leaving their 15-year-old, who moved out before the eldest.

When children are involved, you have to take the rough with the smooth, irrespective of biological /step children.
Unfair for posters to label your husband as a bad parent

Have you taken proper legal advice? You are in a very different situation now you are married. If you haven’t made a will he would get a large chunk if not all of your estate if you died 🙈. Can’t believe you got married in this scenario. Bonkers.

The well-being of your child has to come before ‘blending’ families with a 16 year old who is clearly struggling. I’d also suggest that it’s in the 16 year old’s best interests for you to NOT move in, because he clearly needs stability rather than a new parent and sibling in his home.

Don’t move in and definitely don’t have a baby to add into this mix.

Please please don’t move in together until after the son is an independent young man who does not have access to his or your dad’s home apart from as a visitor. This may be in his 20s or it may be in his 30s. Bringing a baby into this scenario right now would also be a disaster. Peace is so precious, it’s very hard to get it back once lost.

He's a terrible father. Your DD will not gain anything positive from moving in, neither will you. All you will get is stress. Leave it until the son is out of the house.

The fact you married a man you don't want to live with tells me you make some terrible decisions regarding men. You must be very lonely to need some kind of validation from a wedding. At least you trusted your instinct not to move in with him.

The son isn't the real problem. Why would you want this man as father/father figure to your kids when he neglects and doesn't like his own child?

I can’t believe you married him! Don’t move in with his kids and don’t bring another baby into the mix.

Whatever is going on with his son is not going to fixed by moving in together, it’ll likely get worse, I wouldn’t move myself and my child into the middle of the situation, stay put.

I would never move my daughters into a home with an older teenage boy and another man - it’s asking for trouble and I’m amazed that people are not more vocal
about the clear risk of abuse in this situation.

When your daughter is 12 or 14 or 16 and beautiful and wandering round in her knickers and pj top as teenage girls do there’s a reasonable likelihood the unrelated males in the house will find her attractive. Is that a situation you’d feel responsible putting her in?

No, I wouldn’t move in. ( but then I have never wanted to marry either).

My experience of having a partner with adult children would put me off. If I could go back I would have avoided.

We didn’t ever live together with our six children (god help us that would have been impossible for everyone), his were young adults when we met (or I would have avoided him anyway).

Overtime (12 years) I have realised that our parenting and expectations of our now all adult children are very different.
We communicate well about it, but he will fudge his views and expectations to his children. I think he ends up in the middle.

They say he has changed and blame me!

For example, something as simple as asking your parent for money. My children would never ask, unless it was an emergency. I was brought up the same.
His children expect that if they are short at the end of the month, they ask and he will send them money and bail them out.
A couple of hundred a time, mounts up to thousands. (Over £14,000 for one of his when added up).

I was quite clear that we needed to either agree to differ and carry on with our expectation of our own children and keep our finances separate or agree to treat all of the children the same and share our finances.
He wants the best of all worlds, shared finances and to be able to give to his children.
I want mine to be independent and stand on their own two feet.

It is also expensive to be giving six children money at the end of every month, keeping them all the same.

Neither of us are wrong, just different, but this, and other similar expectations cause so many issues.
I hadn’t realised how ingrained expectations are difficult to change. His children think I am in the wrong, because dad helping them out, is how it has been.

It isn’t easy.

Blended families can work if you all share the similar parenting values and all parents are more or less shared wavelength. Clearly your husband has a very laissez faire disinterested parenting style, which fortunately his daughter seems overcoming, but and he and the boy's mother are bringing the son up in a way which could easily result in a lazy underachieving entitled needy adult. Is that what you want ? Maybe they don't realise the potential damage they are doing.

I'm surprised you've left it until after marriage to find out about his children. You need to get to the bottom of his values and why he is not supporting and taking more of an interest in his son before you have a baby with this man.

i wouldn’t move in personally and would stay put. however, that might be a dealbreaker for your husband. If so what then?

Is your place rented, or do you own? You need to think about that, because it might be relevant if you end up divorcing - you’d need advice.

I agree it was crazy to marry a man, that you hadn't lived with and blended the family. Personally, I'd be very concerned about the son, who isn't being parented by either his Mum or Dad. Leaving a 15 year old to his own devices, with little to no boundaries is a recipe for disaster. If his parents have no influence over him now, then it's not going to suddenly improve once he hits 18!!

In my opinion blended families only work, if all the adults are on the same page. Your husband and you, need to be in agreement on how the son is handled. If your husband is happy to go along with his ex, and her style of parenting, and you're stuck on the outside with different views....it will never work.

Don't have a baby with a man, who doesn't want or can't be bothered to parent his child.

“A recent example: he was allowed out late at night whilst with his mum on an e-scooter, ended up being robbed and hurt, and the next day was bought new clothes after asking”

am I missing something? What did he do wrong here? If my son got robbed and hurt I’d probably buy him new clothes too