Blended family concerns – am I being unreasonable ?

[ThisBlueOrca]

My husband and I have been in talks to blend our families this August, and I’m feeling increasingly anxious about whether it’s the right decision.

I have a 7-year-old daughter. My husband has two children from a previous relationship—a 15-year-old son (16 soon) and a 13-year-old daughter whom he has shared custody with his ex. We all get long and have known each other a long while. His daughter is doing well: she’s academic, enjoys school, and has hobbies and friends. My concerns are mainly about his son.

His son:
• Stays in his room all the time and sleeps until past midday on weekends
• Regularly misses school due to “anxiety” or claims of bullying, but there doesn’t seem to be any clear follow-up or evidence
• Doesn’t complete homework and is currently failing his GCSEs
• Has no real structure, routine, or responsibilities

• not encouraged to do anything like exercise and my husband doesn’t actively do anything with him.

What I struggle with most is the parenting approach. Both parents (especially his mum) seem to:
• Allow him to skip school without consequences
• Give him money whenever he asks
• Buy him expensive items and “treat” him even after poor behaviour
• Avoid setting or enforcing boundaries
•cries to his mum whenever he doesn’t get his way and she caves in

A recent example: he was allowed out late at night whilst with his mum on an e-scooter, ended up being robbed and hurt, and the next day was bought new clothes after asking.

There also seem to be ongoing concerns around the people he mixes with and the risks he puts himself in. This worries me from a safety perspective, especially with a younger child involved.

Looking ahead, I’m very concerned about what happens when he turns 16 and then 18. There doesn’t seem to be any clear expectation around education, work, or contribution as he is being enabled to do nothing. My husband has said that at 18 he would be free to come and go as he pleases, which raises concerns for me about boundaries in the home—especially with younger children present, and given the lack of boundaries now, I do wonder if anything will change.

At the same time:
• I currently have a stable home and my daughter and I are happy here
• Moving in would mean giving that up and moving into a home where I don’t have the same security (legal security will be there obviously re mortgage etc)
• My husband and I would like to try for a baby, and I feel pressure due to time

I feel torn between wanting to move forward with my relationship and future plans, and protecting the stability, environment, and safety of my daughter.
Just do to add! The things I have listed above have all come from my husbands mouth, rarely has he ever shared anything “positive “ about his son so I deduced that there is nothing positive for him to share which further adds to the anxiety.
My main concerns are:
• Lack of structure and boundaries
• Safety and the type of situations his son is getting into
• The long-term impact on my daughter
• The risk of giving up my secure home for an uncertain situation

Am I being unreasonable to hesitate moving in until there are clearer boundaries and expectations in place? I am leaning towards being in a living apart together situation . How have others handled similar blended family situations, especially with very different parenting styles?
I’m happy to support wherever I can but if his parents are enabling him, there really is no room for me to have an opinion and honestly, I’d prefer to stay out of being active in helping raise him as he has two functional parents.

To add, I am not financial reliant on my husband and have a fully functional , happy life. I just don’t want to get a divorce and leave my loving husband but at the same time, I need to be responsible for my daughters upbringing since she doesn’t have her dad in the picture fully ( I’m a previous domestic abuse survivor and escaped whilst my daughter was a baby) so I’m more alert to ensuring she isn’t surrounded by danger or bad influences.

This OP. Do not move in with this man and definitely do not have a baby with him. I’ve been there and it was a complete shitshow.

I do however have every sympathy for the son and his parents, having and EBSA child is a living hell. There is so little support out there . I hope the boy can through the last few weeks before the end of secondary and see a way of making a fresh start when he’s out of the compulsory school system.

KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER SAFE @ThisBlueOrca . And do NOT get pregnant.

It won’t include her home if he’s never lived in it.

What’s your housing situation
are you in social housing / council or do you own

is he going to move in with you or you in with him

if you are moving in with him
you be absolutely mad to give up a secure lifetime tennancy to move into his house with a mortgage and bring a baby into the mix

and if he is moving in with you your nuts as his son probably won’t get any better for a good few years

you have seen he has no real interest in parenting his son and can’t be bothered

so if you move in - or he moves in with you it will be down to you to dry any rules
and his son won’t like it and his dad will tell you to but out as your not his mum

blended families are generally pretty shit for everyone

100% agree with this.

it sounds like a recipe for disaster. The teenage boy appears to have no caring parental boundaries and is rewarded for doing stuff like going out late on an ebike while simultaneously failing educationally and seemingly not engaging positively with life.

why you would even think in your wildest dreams of introducing another child to the mix is astonishing. It would be bad enough for your existing daughter.

Of course you shouldn’t move in together.

Your husband sounds crap. His son was fine until a year ago, so something has gone very wrong for him, yet your husband isn’t really addressing it. Thats is terrible parenting. His poor son is crying out for help and his parents aren’t helping. I couldn’t be with a man who doesn’t look after his children properly. Protect your own child and stay away. A responsible parent wouldn’t even consider bringing a baby into this.

I wouldn't have married anyone that I wasn't prepared to live with - unless it was for logistical reasons, especially when there children involved. You could have stayed in the relationship without marriage. You can't 'parent' his children, because you are not a parent in any sense. You know them but don't live with them and never had - for you to start telling them what they can and can't do, will not end well. Trying for a baby is madness. That will force you to blend your families, unless this baby will not be allowed to live with both parents. I would not want my 7 year old daughter living in the same house as his son, sorry. Your daughter should be your priority not your man, how can you feel torn about protecting her security and peace?

Why do you need a baby? That just sounds like a recipe for disaster and would make an already difficult set up even worse! Stay as you are, in your home with just your DD. Do not attempt to blend!

I still don't get what nice single women units are looking from such men....like literally why? What he already brought to your life apart from few dating night and a bit of gym exercise?

You were unreasonable marry a man, who from your description, is not an effective parent. It was unreasonable to marry before considering blending families. You'd be very unreasonable to bring a child into this situation.

I’m sorry about the DA and glad you got out.

Don’t have a baby with a man who is failing to parent his existing children.

It could if there is a financial need to. Ie. if the H in this case can’t afford to house himself and his kids appropriately, OPs house can be used to make things ”fairer” financially post divorce. It’s a risk, even if it’s not a big one.

In which world circumstances are right to get married unless I live in a totally different world. Groom and bride marry IN ORDER to live together, to share the same roof, the same challenges in life, the same kids

where did you get your marriage ideas from? Is it based on a new sociological trend which I missed?

Sorry, this all sounds a bit silly. The marriage before living together and now trying to blend families when you don't approve of how he parents and you (understandably) don't want a 16yo lying round all day at home while he misses school, (and you're out at work?). If you did have another baby, would he be there while you were at home post partum, establishing feeding etc? It doesn't sound great.

I am sure your dh is loving and affectionate etc but it doesn't make him marriage material! I think you need to prioritise your existing dc over your relationship and any, (currently just hypothetical), future dcs. I know that's a difficult thing to do, but really, this just sounds like a not great idea. None of it.

Ime irl, many blended families work to a point, but many do not. You would think your dh having a 16yo boy might mean the ds would be getting ready to fly the nest soon, but this 16yo seems to need a lot from his parents and may do for some time. Unless you're prepared to be involved in step-parenting him for a while, potentially with a baby as well as your dd to deal with too, I would run like hell tbh!

I waited 17 years to pick a husband exactly because did not want anything of any sort like that ever.

Your gut is screaming at you and probably has for some time. You need to prioritise your own child.

Maybe your DH was hoping you'd be the one to parent his son?

Do not under any circumstances add a new baby into this.

Fuck NO. A hard no. No fucking way. In fact, I would divorce. That husband of yours will always, always I say, put his son first.

You chose to have your child. By giving birth to her, you promised her you would care for her and protect her every day and every night. Making her share a house with an unrelated shit of a young bloke is placing her in a situation she would never ask for, did not ask for and you shouldn’t be asking for,

In fact, I would be divorcing that husband to put my child first in my life, making her know she is first in my life and not play “pick me” with him over his son. In a game of “pick me” you will lose.

Please wake up to the reality of what he is demanding.

Why would you even consider having a child with someone whose parenting you already don't respect. So many women (including me) end up having kids with someone who they thought would be a good parent and turned out not to be, and we have to cope with that, but to KNOW he's shot, and still have a child with him is not sensible. And please don't think he'll be different with you - people rarely change that much

For goodness sake do not bring another child into the mix!

Never mind moving in, which sounds a very bad idea for your DD (and probably for you), why on earth do you want to have a child with a man who can’t be bothered to parent one of his existing DC?

He’s literally showing you what kind of father he is. Is that what you want for your potential DC2?

You are half way through building a prison for yourself and a Hell for your daughter.

It would be madness to move in.

Your h is not a good father. He might be a good partner but if you have a child with him then you will be bad cop and he will be good cop. It’s a terrible idea to have a baby with a man like this.

I think that all of the kids would suffer if you moved in. How on earth would you raise 2 kids with 2 separate sets of rules and expectations? Are you really expecting your dd to suck it up and see how bad behaviour rewarded? That’s the opposite of the protection that you have been offering until now.

If your stepson is on track to fail is GCSEs and not expected to be in education, it’s unlikely that he’d be able to move out (unless he convinces a woman to let him cocklodge) never mind get a job. You are financially independent - do you want to subsidise stepson when he’s well into adulthood?

Don't move in with them.
The reason your husband is so kind and lovely is that he needs to keep you sweet so that you will agree to move in with him.
The reason he wants to live with you is that he knows that it will benefit him, he'll be able to keep up constant subtle pressure on you and work everything to his advantage.
Once you are committed, once you are in a position where it's hard for you to leave then the need for him to keep you sweet will be gone and you will see the real him.

You are outgunned here, a woman and her seven-year-old daughter versus a man and his two unruly teenage children. They will take over, you and your daughter will suffer.

You didn’t feel the need to live with him when you got married (very odd to me), so why consider it now?
It will be an absolute shit show.