Blended family concerns – am I being unreasonable ?

[ThisBlueOrca]

My husband and I have been in talks to blend our families this August, and I’m feeling increasingly anxious about whether it’s the right decision.

I have a 7-year-old daughter. My husband has two children from a previous relationship—a 15-year-old son (16 soon) and a 13-year-old daughter whom he has shared custody with his ex. We all get long and have known each other a long while. His daughter is doing well: she’s academic, enjoys school, and has hobbies and friends. My concerns are mainly about his son.

His son:
• Stays in his room all the time and sleeps until past midday on weekends
• Regularly misses school due to “anxiety” or claims of bullying, but there doesn’t seem to be any clear follow-up or evidence
• Doesn’t complete homework and is currently failing his GCSEs
• Has no real structure, routine, or responsibilities

• not encouraged to do anything like exercise and my husband doesn’t actively do anything with him.

What I struggle with most is the parenting approach. Both parents (especially his mum) seem to:
• Allow him to skip school without consequences
• Give him money whenever he asks
• Buy him expensive items and “treat” him even after poor behaviour
• Avoid setting or enforcing boundaries
•cries to his mum whenever he doesn’t get his way and she caves in

A recent example: he was allowed out late at night whilst with his mum on an e-scooter, ended up being robbed and hurt, and the next day was bought new clothes after asking.

There also seem to be ongoing concerns around the people he mixes with and the risks he puts himself in. This worries me from a safety perspective, especially with a younger child involved.

Looking ahead, I’m very concerned about what happens when he turns 16 and then 18. There doesn’t seem to be any clear expectation around education, work, or contribution as he is being enabled to do nothing. My husband has said that at 18 he would be free to come and go as he pleases, which raises concerns for me about boundaries in the home—especially with younger children present, and given the lack of boundaries now, I do wonder if anything will change.

At the same time:
• I currently have a stable home and my daughter and I are happy here
• Moving in would mean giving that up and moving into a home where I don’t have the same security (legal security will be there obviously re mortgage etc)
• My husband and I would like to try for a baby, and I feel pressure due to time

I feel torn between wanting to move forward with my relationship and future plans, and protecting the stability, environment, and safety of my daughter.
Just do to add! The things I have listed above have all come from my husbands mouth, rarely has he ever shared anything “positive “ about his son so I deduced that there is nothing positive for him to share which further adds to the anxiety.
My main concerns are:
• Lack of structure and boundaries
• Safety and the type of situations his son is getting into
• The long-term impact on my daughter
• The risk of giving up my secure home for an uncertain situation

Am I being unreasonable to hesitate moving in until there are clearer boundaries and expectations in place? I am leaning towards being in a living apart together situation . How have others handled similar blended family situations, especially with very different parenting styles?
I’m happy to support wherever I can but if his parents are enabling him, there really is no room for me to have an opinion and honestly, I’d prefer to stay out of being active in helping raise him as he has two functional parents.

To add, I am not financial reliant on my husband and have a fully functional , happy life. I just don’t want to get a divorce and leave my loving husband but at the same time, I need to be responsible for my daughters upbringing since she doesn’t have her dad in the picture fully ( I’m a previous domestic abuse survivor and escaped whilst my daughter was a baby) so I’m more alert to ensuring she isn’t surrounded by danger or bad influences.

Are you sure? I really hope so as otherwise OP has risked her financial security and independence by marrying him.

As pp have said, no to moving in until the son has left home / boundaries are set and the whole thing improves 100%. And no to a baby with him.

I'd just check the financials though as this would worry me, the longer you stay married.

This.

OP - protect your child from this predictable shitshow.

Replace ‘blended’ with ‘mangled’. That’s the family your 7 year old will grow up in.

Well said!

I know being a single parent is hard and loneliness is very hard - I'm not a parent and my partner isn't a man (though I was once married to one who was lovely) - but I never understand women who prioritise being with a bloke over their children, no matter what kind of mess these men bring with them.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Please Do not move in together
Do not have a child together.

Please read all the other blended family threads on here and see how much the bad outweighs the good.

Red flags all over the place

I think blended families need to fit a certain way op and given how you speak about his son, not in a bad way but just you sound very different, a 7yo dd is a world away from a teenage boy and I think you’ll find it tough being thrown in there.

One thing I will tell you is kids have difficulties for a reason and your dh and the child’s mum need to get back to basics with the boy, I found getting ds out of the room, chatting, playing board games, bringing him shopping etc really helped. His dad should also figure out about him missing school, kids don’t refuse school for nothing, if he’s not enjoying it something has to change

Do you like your daughter?
Not to mind love her?

Because honestly, exposing her to that shit show is the very worst thing you could do to her childhood, together with having another child with him.

He is failing his son completely.

Do not entertain this for even one minute, because you will bitterly regret it.

Keep your daughter happy and safe.
Do not blow up her childhood.

Not a chance in hell would I bring this boy and his parent's failures into my home and anywhere near my DD.

Odd that you married him in the first place, but all of your concerns are telling you to protect the homelife of your little girl from this.

@ThisBlueOrca You are right to be hesitant, the problem is, given this current set up, realistically, it's unlikely you'll successfully blend within the next 5-10 years.

Your daughter's happiness and stability really needs to be your priority, even above your own need to live with your husband.

Could you keep your current home and have a trial period of a month or so where you and your daughter move in with them?

Everything then will be revealed.

What a nightmare though @ThisBlueOrca!

You're a brave woman to even contemplate blending, just not at the expense of your daughter.

Good luck 🌼

I think it all sounds OK.

1. You have a nice relationship.

2. You have provided a secure home for your DD.

3. The children get on well.

However:

As @Purplecatshopaholic has said, your DH sounds as if he is not a good father to his DS. Fair enough. Not your problem.

BUT it will become your problem if

1. You move in together. No getting away from that bad influence then.

And 2) If you have a child with him, a boy or a child who is not the ideal, well-behaved, academic child like his DD. You will be left trying to single-parent that difficult child because you have the evidence of your DH's negligence towards one of his existing children already.

Because let's be clear. Not all difficult children are made that way. For all you seem to think that his DS is this way because his parents have allowed it, that is not always the case. My DS was HARD, HARD work for the first 25 years of his life. Refused to engage properly with education, was hostile towards me in the home, refused to accept proper boundaries, was volatile and unproductive at uni and in his first few jobs. He's mostly OK now, as an almost 40 year old men. But it was a long slog, bringing him up and fighting against the tide of his personality.

You have a good relationship now, and you did brilliantly, getting your DD away from a DV environment. Don't throw it all away now for the sake of sleeping in the same place 7 days a week OR for the yen for child number 4 in your already extremely complicated lives.

stay apart. If you want a child he can still parent, but aparrt. Then, after the son is an adult and your daughter has settled in secondary, OR after she does exams, think about blending. You will be able to see how the land lies with the son once you can see how the future goes.

You can still have a child if you wish, or is housing and space an issue?

If space then you can have the baby in with you for a year or so.

My partner and I are not married but have never lived together. We all are ND and know that, especially while children are young, would not have worked. Kids older now/ young adults so who knows what the future may bring. But ultimately he was on hand for what I needed when our shared child was young, but because he wasnt here all the time, I drove the parenting narrative. If you dont like his parenting style then it is likely that he would parent a shared child the same, and if that is an issue for you then living apart could mitigate it to a certain extent.

There are many ways to being a family, but I would not be putting the chiold who already exists into a space where she is likely to be disrupted, and I would not be surrendering my secure home to part parent two children where you will have no say as to how they are parented.

Yeah, no. Give your daughter a decade of safety and stability, then you have the rest of your life with this man and his children (if you so choose).

Bear in mind as you're married he will have a claim if you divorce.

Think really, really hard about having a baby with him.

Marry in haste, and all that.

The priority is your daughter's childhood.

Regardless of your DH behaviour how loving he is.

His parentinf has resulted in his tunring out as he has.

If you want your future kids to turn out the same then go ahead with the move.

Also don't let yourself be pressured due to the time pressure of trying for another baby.

It doesn't sound like you families are compatible.

I can't see any benefit to anyone other than your husband financially.

In regards to his son- you say that you all get along, yet this is all based on what your DH is saying. This makes it sound like you married each other without really being involved with his children as a family unit.

One thing that is strange: A recent example: he was allowed out late at night whilst with his mum on an e-scooter, ended up being robbed and hurt, and the next day was bought new clothes after asking.

It admit that everything else is not great of they don't encourage him to go to school, but I fail to see how this is poor behaviour. He got robbed & hurt when he was with his mum, but you have an issue that he had new clothes. Its no different to treated someone to something to cheer them up.

He doesnt sound great but it doesnt sound like he is causing trouble, just spoilt and possibly his parents not making an effort to get to the bottom of whats causing him to not want to go to school/do anything.

Why do you both want another baby when you both have children already? Is it the baby you want or is it a way of making you feel like it would connect the families?

If it works now, keep it like it is. You know full well that moving in together would horrific for you and especially your daughter. Plus, as everyone says, you can't have a child with someone you know is a crappy parent.

No way. The lad will be a bad influence on your kids. And you're right he could get up to all sorts and bring tons of insalubrious people into the house as he gets more 'freedom'.

It's pretty dreadful that his parents seem to have already given up on him and trying to get him a decent education and career.

You don’t live with your husband? How weird. Who even does that?

My neighbour and his wife. They've been together forever (35+ years).

It works for them, obviously.

My uncle and his wife. Works for them. No kids though. Been together decades.

Don't move in with that dreaded teenage boy.
Be honest and give your reason for not living together.

Your reasoning might sway your DH to step up and parent with proper boundaries which will be a positive for his son.

Don't consider moving in until your DSS is off to uni or has his own home and job..
.

I would personally remain living apart, for lots of reasons.

Your husband and his ex are allowed to raise their child as they choose, as long as they aren't abusing him which they aren't. Buying him clothes after he was robbed and hurt doesn't seem strange to me, but you have different views and that's fine.

Enjoy the time you spend together, there is no need to ruin it by forcing a situation that won't work well for anyone.

I have some pretty strong opinions on blended families and I commend you for thinking carefully about this with your daughter's interests at heart. Listen to your instinctive doubts and do not push them down. You might have to give up on the idea of another baby.

Goodness, PLEASE dont move in with him or have another baby. Prioritise your daughter

I feel torn between wanting to move forward with my relationship and future plans, and protecting the stability, environment, and safety of my daughter.

I would hope this would be an easy decision.

How long is your step son spending with dad, is it just a few days or 50/50 ?